Homer's Haven

New Location - Sometimes

2012-01-17T19:42:00.000-08:00

So, I am making the leap to a more mature, less flippant blog... You can find it here: http://gonnasayno.blogspot.com/. Stupid name, I know. Maybe I'll change it later.

I'm still going to post here occasionally, if only to vent in a more private kinda way, but the other place will be more active... So with that, adios for now...

Shit That I Dig (November 19)

2011-11-19T08:14:00.001-08:00

Nah, I'm not going to sit here and sing the praises of Kennedy today, but rather I'm going to sit here and sing the praises of Stephen King's latest book. I was more than a little skeptical about the premise of King's latest novel 11/22/63. It is a time travel book, which sounded pretty stupid to me when I initially read about the book. King's last book, Under the Dome was a crapfest of the highest order, so I was hesitant.I shouldn't have been. 11/22/63 is King's best book since Bag of Bones and quite frankly deserves to be held up with his better works. He is not dealing in horror here, although there are some nods to the genre, but rather the book seems to be a blend of his other period pieces (Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption, The Body, and The Green Mile come to mind) and his less grotesque Dark Tower books (think the underrated Hearts in Atlantis). King gets a bad rap. As a writer he is often ridiculed as the literary equivalent of junk food. Is he a literary artist that weaves his tales in prose that scrapes the sky with its abition? No, but his mantra has always been to serve the story. If he tortured over each word like Joyce, he'd only have put out about a third of his current output and probably not be appreciably better as a writer. Nah, I'll take King as he is because King's best works are Americana for the late 20th-early 21st centuries. 11/22/63 is an homage to a simpler time, a world that has gone by, but King doesn't whitewash the past. He shoves the reader's nose in the shortcomings and problems of the past while still longing for a simpler, purer life. And he does it all while trying to stop Lee Harvey Oswald, among others, from making the world a darker place. It's a great read. I highly recommend it.

Makin' it Rain!

2011-11-12T08:12:00.001-08:00

So apparently some dude in North Dakota was having some personal problems. To help nurse him through the tough times, he decided to visit the local gentleman's club for some stripper therapy. Since he was having problems, he was forgetful and just wrote a check, which the club took. Before we get any further in the story, who still writes checks? I can never find my checkbook, because I only use it for occasional bills. Talk about a dying concept. Anyway, this guy wrote just over $8,000 in checks that of course bounced. He's now being prosecuted for theft and planning to vigorously defend his name and honor. Is it just me, or did he lose the opportunity to defend his honor and name when he wrote checks for lap dances? I mean c'mon dude, throw a few twenties around and go home. Eight grand at a strip club? Who did he think he was, an NBA player? This world is filled with morons...

Shit That I Dig (November 5)

2011-11-08T18:36:00.000-08:00

All hail the 'foot! It goes without saying that I would dig Chickenfoot. I mean it contains the most fully functioning half of Van Halen: Michael Anthony and Sammy Hagar and guitarist Joe Satriani. Somehow they convinced Will Farrell to play drums for them... The first Chickenfoot album was a bit of a glorious mess. It exists primarily as a really polished demo, the songs were rough, but they reflected the influences of these musicians. It sounded like a group of guys from the mid-70's just trying to rock out.

What I'm digging today is their newest album titled III. It is full of fully developed rock songs, and it seems to exist just for the pure enjoyment that these guys have for playing together. As far as some sort of cultural impact goes? These guys are too old and their reputations are such that it will be considered some sort of throwaway, but this is an ambitious recording, dealing with some pretty mature thematic ideas (well, except for the song Bigfoot, but somehow it works in the context of the album). My favorite song on the album is difficult to identify as this album is fairly diverse. Hagar is singing a little differently, something that Satriani wanted and Hagar pushed Satriani into playing differently as well. Which is kinda the point of this album, these guys who could just crap out 10 jam sessions and release them, pushed each other to do something different. It is pretty cool. One last thing, you'll listen to this album and realize that Eddie Van Halen must have been out of his mind to let Michael Anthony get away.

Not what I expected and more than I was hoping for, Chickenfoot III is the goods. Check it out if you are in the mood for some solid rock.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

2011-11-01T16:01:00.000-07:00

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Whew, that was tough. I just had to get that out of my system. The idea that Kim Kardashian was being somehow critical of her 'husband' for chasing fame just doesn't get any funnier. I still think Kim is pretty hot, but just because she got famous because she let Ray-J pee on (in) her doesn't mean that she should get all judgy.... you know? Besides, just think about how much money there is in televising divorce procedings.... And you know there's another video coming out right?

It Seemed Like a Fairy Tale

2011-10-29T09:28:00.001-07:00

There was a time once, it feels so long ago now, when Lindsay Lohan was slowly devolving from a bright-eyed young actress into a major multimedia meltdown. She had just released her sonic assault on the American auditory nerve and rather than focus on the acting that made her famous in the first place, Lindsay decided that she needed to hang out with some hotel heiress and her bitchy group of friends. It was also about this time that the potential for gossipy snark on the internet was just being discovered. It was a match made in heaven.

Now, I may have some of the specifics wrong, but it was about the time that Lindsay started acting like a sweaty coke-whore that her parents' special brand of crazy started to come out, introducing us to Dina and Michael's scary Day of the Dead/Zombie apocalypse visages; their love of attention only narrowly outpacing their love for drugs and booze. It begged the question, what kind of chance at any sort of normalcy did young Lindsay and her siblings have?

Fast forward a couple of years. Lindsay is on the verge of the double whammy known as bankruptcy and jail and as a last ditch attempt to cash in on her rapidly vanishing looks and name, agrees to get naked for Playboy for a shit-pot full of money. The same week this is announced, her father is arrested not once, but twice. The first time for allegedly getting pissed that his 'girlfriend' (a piece of shit in her own right) won't suck his dick, the second time for getting out of jail, getting high and trying to make nice with the same lady. Now, I know that I cannot make this claim with any sort of scientific certainty, but do you think that these two news items might be related?

All I know is that it is even money in Vegas that Lindsay is going to be in some sort of gonzo-porn with Taylor Armstrong and Michael Sorrentino right before their 2013 triple suicide overdose.

Ben Affleck? Really?

2011-10-22T13:14:00.000-07:00

No, this isn't a case of the curious hairline of a hack actor, which I guess could be a running theme had I the time and inclination to write about such trivialities. This is my protest post against Ben Affleck the auteur who 'stretched' into a director, adapting Dennis Lehane's Gone Baby Gone and Chuck Hogan's The Town into movies.

Affleck has done yeoman's work evoking credible acting performances from himself and his brother, in small stories set in the wicked mean streets of Boston. His ability to take on larger projects is still to be determined, but that hasn't stopped anyone from telling Ben that he should take on a modern classic like Stephen King's The Stand. The Stand is a huge book, a daunting narrative that has thus far defied decent adaptation. I just hope that Ben's ready for the heat as I would hate to see another Gigli moment...

Shit That I Dig (October 22)

2011-10-22T10:51:00.000-07:00

Now, you are asking yourself if I really needed to emphasize that I think Salma Hayek has a great rack? The answer is no, I think my thoughts on that are well known. No, the subject of today's post is actually the writing of a gentleman named Don Winslow. If you've ever seen pictures of Don Winslow, you will understand why I didn't lead with a picture of him. The picture of Salma will become clear later...

I have read two books written by Winslow in the past month. They are two of the most visceral books I've read in several years. Winslow's writing focuses on crime and criminals, but unlike many authors, Winslow is not afraid to provide an unflinching look into the world where these criminals exist. It is often horrifying to read, but the storylines are compelling, if a bit familiar.

The biggest problem with reading genre literature is that after a while the conventions of the particular genre become stale and annoying. I know that with few exceptions, my ability to read fantasy has been gone for years. I sometimes fear that the same thing his happening with crime/mystery/thriller novels. Winslow's books have acted like a kind of buffer for that process. His writing in the novel Savages, which is being adapted into a movie (with Salma Hayek playing a drug kingpin), borders on the brink of ridiculousness, but he manages to maintain the tone of an almost fever-dream, as if the writer, along with most of the main characters, was viewing the events of the novel in some sort of marijuana haze.

I usually love to go out and get more of an author's work as soon as I finish something that I've liked and I did that with Winslow, reading the novel The Power of the Dog. It was more conventional than Savages, but it was still a great read. I'm holding off on buying more Winslow, at least until I clear out the reading queue, but I'm already plotting out which of his books is next. The very definition of shit that I dig.

Is It Time?

2011-10-11T19:00:00.000-07:00

For an intervention? Or at least someone to tell this young lady to get her shit together? It may come as a surprise to many that I am a Christina fan. She's got great pipes and she was the one genuinely talented girl to come out of that Britney/Christina/Jessica/etc... school. She is great, but she has lost her way. I feel bad for all of these young pop stars who have to grow up in the public eye because their parents have shitty lives and want to live through their kids, but as sad and predictible as Britney's meltdown was, I find this somehow more sad. When the pictures from Michael Jackson's tribute show came out, my first reaction was that they had hired Roseanne Barr to put a wig on. I was stunned when I read the name on the caption. It is too bad. Here's to hoping she recognizes the opportunity she has before she loses it all.

Shit That I Dig (October 11)

2011-10-11T18:25:00.000-07:00

So apparently, I am a person that hops on trends and kickass television shows four or five years late. I heard the buzz on Lost, checked out an episode and dismissed it. Four years later, I'm in...and a huge Lost nerd.

Similarly, I heard the buzz on Mad Men when it debuted. I checked out an episode. Didn't work for me. Fast forward four years, I'm browsing my Netflix queue, and what do you know, AMC has streamed Mad Men for the masses. I check out episode one and the next thing I know I'm spending my weekend just killing episodes like a gamer goes through Mountain Dew. I cannot explain it, but damn if this isn't one of the most amazing television series I've ever seen. The writing, acting, hell everthing about this show is just quality and compelling. Just watching it made me want to drink scotch and cheat on my wife (I have abstained from both, but, you know...). So that's why Don Draper is on my blog and heaven help us, I just ordered up HBO again, specifically to utilize HBO Go, to get The Wire and Game of Thrones. So watch out...

Why I Still Hate Al Davis

2011-10-11T08:36:00.000-07:00

I recently made a comment on Facebook about how I have never forgiven Al Davis and that I hope he rots in some sort of state of eternal punishment. I just wanted to take some space to explain myself. I grew up in northern California as an Oakland Raider fan. I LOVED the Raiders. My parents raised me right: I was taught to love the Raiders, like the 49ers, and to hate the Steelers, Cowboys, and all things Los Angeles. It was a simpler time. The Raiders in the 70's were colorful, goofy, and more than slightly dangerous. They wore the silver and black and were proud of their outlaw image. To a child growing up during this time there was the Raiders and there was Darth Vader... both were badass (and don't get me started about how Darth Vader was going to be redemptive or save the force or whatever... Darth Vader was a badass who snapped necks and could choke your ass out just by wanting it to happen. That was some cool shit). My parents like to tell the story about how I used to cry when the Raiders lost. Like that shit was funny... Losing sucks.

In 1981 Al Davis decided to tell the Bay Area to fuck itself and moved to Los Angeles. This was in spite of the fact that the Raiders had (and still have) a rabid following that had an unprecedented sell-out streak and the love of the entire area. All of those 49ers fans in the 80's? Most of them were fans by default, because Al Davis was an asshole. L.A. of all places? By the time of the Raiders move I was old enough to understand what was going on (and before you ask, no I didn't cry), so I decided at that moment that the Raiders and Al Davis were dead to me.

He never made a pretense of anything other than what his move to L.A. was, a cash grab. And since he was so unapologetic about his being a jerk, I have been and will continue to be unapologetic about my hatred of Al Davis and his stupid pompadour and sweat suit. So I'll say it one more time: I hate you Al, I hope you rot away in some special level of hell.

I feel better now...

Post-Season Baseball

2011-10-08T09:06:00.001-07:00

Is there anything more exciting? I'd argue that there isn't. I know that baseball gets a bad rap for being boring and slow, but you know what? There were three game five elimination games this week, all of them decided by 1 run. I'm still pissed about the stupid Brewers beating my Diamondbacks yesterday, but I'll get over it eventually.

I'm torn about who to root for out of the four teams remaining. Normally I'd root for the Brewers due to the fact that they've never won a World Series and they have Craig Counsell on their team, but their behavior in the NLDS was too much. Screw them, but I also cannot root for the Cardinals either because I want Tony LaRussa to go the hell away. So I guess I'll be rooting for the AL this year, which is painful. But at least the Tigers and Rangers are good stories... and the NFL is just killing it right now.

Dammit!

2011-10-08T08:56:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe how we've missed on so many... Al Davis was a visionary, back in the late sixties and early seventies he was the perfect owner: he knew the game inside and out and was willing to take chances on people who didn't fit in elsewhere. His Raiders were a band of thugs before it became colorful. They were dangerous, but that was 40 plus years ago, the Raiders haven't been relevant in years (although they are finally making strides) and Al had become a national joke. Too bad he was such an asshole, or you'd see some kind of Steinbrenner-esque outpouring of fake love and respect this week. As it is, people will express surprise, because deals with the devil usually pay off better than looking like the Cryptkeeper.

iCoffin

2011-10-05T17:22:00.000-07:00

I can only guess at what hi-tech gadgets Steve created to keep him entertained during the long dirt nap. He was a visionary, a legendary asshole, and one of the most influential people of the last 40 years. It was a hell of a run, I hope he finds peace. I cannot believe that no one took him in the pool...

Posted from my iPhone

I never knew...

2011-10-04T19:42:00.000-07:00

that sitting around doing smack made you look like this.... Maybe Axl should mix in a little Skinny Bitch margarita in with the Night Train. Drop some lbs...

Celebrity Shut Up Fool!

2011-10-04T18:23:00.000-07:00

Two in one day? How 'bout three?

Amanda Seyfried or whatever the hell her name is apparently told some Euro rag that she is in therapy to calm her panic attacks brought on by the pressures of fame. Shut the hell up you alien-eyed freak. Here is the simple solution to your problem: quit making movies and television. If acting is your calling, go do Broadway or some other stage work, you can make your living in any number of ways. Once your fame is gone, you'll be fine. Trust me, with as fickle as our culture is, it won't be more than a month or two before you're a footnote in Lindsay Lohan's obituary. I did like your work on Mean Girls though, I'm intrigued by the idea of your weather prognosticating breasts....

Finally, Johnny Depp is on record as equating photo shoots with rape. Really Mr. Sparrow? All reports are that you are a great guy and I'm sure getting your picture taken while a team of assistants caters to your every whim is tiring, but rape? How 'bout you take that civic conciousness that you're famous for and go work with rape victims for a couple of days, it might give you just a bit of perspective. Dick.

I Don't Get It

2011-10-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

I generally don't feel sorry for celebrities. They are afforded a lifestyle that anyone on the planet merely dreams of having. As far as I am concerned, they can take the slings and arrows in exchange for their opulent lifestyle. That said, I don't understand the viciousness of the internet when it comes to Jennifer Love Hewitt. I look around and they are on her shit any time she goes out in public.

So what is her sin this week (and damn near anytime her name comes up)? She's not anorexic, she's not 19, and she's not married? I think this is her problem, anyway, I can't see it. Is this the most flattering outfit she could wear? Of course not, but I'd guess that most women would have some issues trying to pull that dress off. Oh well, I'm sure she's drying her tears with towels made of old hundred dollar bills that she didn't feel like spending...

Shut Up Fool! (October 4)

2011-10-04T16:52:00.000-07:00

See, I told you I had one coming, I just wasn't sure who I'd be writing about. Today I was going to grouse about Hank Williams and his fuzzy Obama = Hitler analogy, but I found something that irritated me even more than that scar-faced hack. No, today I am going to use former Chicago Bear Dan Hampton as a launching pad for my political diatribe.

Before we get started, let's talk about how fortunate Hampton is to have played for a team that has somehow hoodwinked a generally lazy media into believing that they were one of the greatest teams in NFL history. That shit is just not true in any way shape or form. They had a great running back, great defense, average quarterbacking (I'm being kind here...) and wide receivers that they picked up off of the local community college. Actually, they are exactly like the current day New York Jets, but these guys managed to actually win. Anyway, Hampton's legacy is one of gravy training Buddy Ryan's system, saying stupid shit in the press, and generally acting like a little bitch when people start to question the 85 Bears' greatness. He was a solid d-lineman, but he was never in the class of the greats like Reggie White or even Charles Haley. Honestly, he is Mike Golic if Golic played for the Bears instead of the Eagles.

Anyway, apparently the 85 Bears never actually got to go the the White House due to the fact that the week they were scheduled to go was the same week the space shuttle exploded in 1986. Rather than reschedule, the appearance just kinda faded away. Which is what Dan Hampton should have done. Instead, President Obama has extended an invitation to the 1985 Chicago Bears team to come visit the white house and celebrate the 25th Anniversary of their Super Bowl victory. It should be a pretty cool event. The president is from Chicago and is a big sports fan and the Bears can bask one more time in their collective greatness (the Super Bowl Shuffle notwithstanding). But this isn't going to work for Hampton. According to ESPN, Hampton is gonna pass. Wanna know why?

"It's my own personal choice," Hampton said. "I don't choose to go. No family, no kids. Honey's going to the White House, and you tell your kids and your wife, 'Oh, I'm sorry. You're not invited.'

"Secondly, I'm not a fan of the guy in the White House. And third, it was 25 years ago. Let it go."

Look, I get it if you are bummed that it is a players only invitation, but then we get to the crux of the situation. He's just not a fan of the president. Ahhhh, too bad. I'm glad he's such a principled clear-thinking fellow, this "Danimal." The man is damn lucky to be alive and out of prison with multiple DWI convictions, but he is taking a moral stand against the invite.

I get that it must be a bummer that you cannot take your wife to the White House, it would be an amazing experience, but what really gets me going when dealing with idiots like Hampton or Bocephus is the lack of intelligent conversation regarding the politics of our country. We all just jump on our convenient labels and call each other names instead of actually looking at what the hell is going on. It is just mental laziness. It might actually be enlightening to study up on the issues and when the president goes to shake your hand, try to engage him for a moment, who knows you might even learn something. At the least you go, meet the president, take in the historic sights and sounds, experience what 375,000,000 people could only dream about, and try and be gracious.

I could go on and on (I already have I know...) but Hampton's teammate Steve McMichael gets it right:

"They said, 'Are you going?' Because there are a couple of my teammates that aren't going to make the trip," McMichael told ESPNChicago.com's Jeff Dickerson. "But let me tell you something, I don't care who the president is. I don't care what's going on in the government, if I'm against a war or what. If you are somebody that the White House wants to honor, and you're a citizen of this country, it behooves you to show up and look at it like an honor and a privilege.

"I told them I'm going to have bells on."

In other words, shut up fool!

Sad Props to Sheri Beri....

2011-10-01T12:06:00.001-07:00

It's better late than never.... I suppose, but due to our morbid, horrible game Sheri picks up 61 points. She easily vaults into the lead, but K-Rock has some old geezers still holding on, so it could get crazy down the stretch...

Shit That I Dig (October 1)

2011-10-01T09:47:00.000-07:00

I know that this place is a malestrom of whining, cynicism, and breasts, but I feel like mixing it up a bit. Starting today will be a regular feature I'm calling Shit That I Dig. It's classy and elegant, just like Snookie and you may never see it again, but I promise I have another Shut Up Fool! post coming soon...

So what do I dig today? Ron Fucking Swanson, that's what. I despised the first several episodes of Parks and Recreation when they aired. It was like the creators took all of the shitty parts of the American version of The Office and made their own show of these disparate parts. I did not like, but then a funny thing happened. The showrunners discovered that they had other people in the cast other than Amy Pohler... And once the focus came off of Leslie and her pit, the show became amazing.

My favorite part of the show has to be Ron Swanson, the woodworking Libertarian who actually runs the Parks Department of Pawnee. There is nothing about Ron that isn't awesome, from his mustache to his desk full of ground chuck. The best part is that each little discover about Ron gets parceled out in a fantastic ensemble cast of characters allows the writers the freedom to keep Swanson as a powerful presence without overwhelming the show, there's never the feel that he's going to become Kramer, if you know what I mean.

I love what this show has become and the idea that a man can deliver lines like "you had me at meat tornado." I just hope their ratings improve so that those crazy kids at Entertainment 720 can figure out their business plan... Speaking of which check out their website at http://entertainment720.com/

Where Is My Stake...

2011-10-01T09:32:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not asking because I'm hungry. I really just want to know what needs to be done to finish off the production of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Or should I have phrased that as a question... I'm not sure and I cannot think because of my rage at what has become of this once mighty comedy juggernaut. Actually, what I am enraged at is not the show, which has devolved into a pale, humorless facsimile of itself, but rather with the fact that this show now bores the hell out of me.

It is almost exactly what has happened to The Simpsons now that they have run out of ideas (actually the Simpsons have been out of ideas longer than they had them at this point, but I digress). The show was founded on the idea that these four idiots lead horrible delusional lives and do depraved and selfish things. The best episodes came out of the abyss that was their lives. Episodes about finding a dumpster baby, using their shitty bar to relive their high school experiences, or just clinging to the belief that their dreams of fame or success were still possible for them despite all of the mounting evidence against it ever happening. These were what made the show great, not the current crop of 'hey, let's put the gang in some whacky situation, like the Jersey shore!'

I know I'm flailing against the machine, that they have two more years of production left in them, but I'd rather see the gang go out with a dignity and grace that they have never allowed Dennis, Dee, Charlie, or Mac to ever have.

K-Rock

2011-03-23T06:12:00.000-07:00

Jumps into the lead.... I know this place is a wasteland, tumbleweeds are threatening to take over, but while I sort that all out, K-Rock needs some props. She went with the old and infirm in this years pool, and things are breaking her way with the passing of Elizabeth Taylor. Liz was pretty hot back in the day, but her perfume has always reminded me of two skunks raping each other.... Thanks Liz, hopefully someone doused in white diamonds follows you around for the eternities.

It's Awards Time!

2011-02-01T19:06:00.000-08:00

So it is again time for the annual Hollywood circle jerk known as the awards season. Notice I didn’t capitalize that crap.....

The big winner in Hollywood seems to be Hollywood itself, because few, if any, people outside of that little cavalcade of freaks seems to care about who one that award for being the most shallow and duplicitous human being in a pool of shallow and duplicitous people. I do like the idea of gathering all of the Hollywood glitterati into an auditorium at one time, if only we could get the Russian special forces in there to work on the air-conditioning system...

And then there is the whole controversy about Jay Cutler’s tampon falling out on national television. Gee, a guy whose entire career has encompassed a self-centered, it’s not my fault attitude failed to exhibit toughness when his team was down and only one game from the Super Bowl? Color me shocked. Two years ago, Phillip Rivers played the AFC championship game with a torn ACL. Maybe Cutler’s girlfriend should go out and buy that strap-on since she’s got the only pair in that couple...

So Jack LeLane has died.... No one picked him because I don’t know that anyone knew he was still alive, but regardless, there is still no leader of the 2011 Dead Pool, which has been compiled below. Apparently the defending champion has not deigned to compile a list for this year, ensuring that there will be a new winner, or at least a different name at the top of this years pool.

Finally, the Egyptians are trying to reassert their long denied legacy of political craziness.... Just remember, it wasn’t that long ago that Anwar Sadat was gunned down. Between all of this political unrest and the shootings in Tucson, I am coming to believe that political violence is caused by the heat. Or by the thought that America is celebrating Sofia Vergara and they aren't....

Plastic Surgery is a Bitch

2011-01-17T09:45:00.000-08:00

What the hell did she do to her face? How old is this girl? Why is her face lumpy like Meg Ryan's? It shouldn't look like this until at least 2020....I knew she was nuts and all, but damn. It may be time for the 2011 version of Homer's Hot 10, just to get her the hell off of the list.

Bring Out Your Dead

2011-01-16T17:22:00.000-08:00

I'm still waiting on some people who are allegedly putting their pools together, but in the meantime I just wanted to write a bit about two people who I never met, but nonetheless deserve some recognition as they have passed in the short time 2011 has been here.

The first is bass player/songwriter Phil Kennemore from Y&T. I've written in the past of my love for this band. Growing up in the Bay Area in the 80's and listening to hard rock/heavy metal, you could not escape Y&T. The band never got the recognition they deserved back in the day, but have enjoyed a bit of a resurgence in the past couple of years. The band was on tour in the midwest last year when Phil's back started to hurt. It turned out to be cancer and six months later he's gone. Music is an intensely personal thing, so I just thought I'd pay homage to a man whose music I've enjoyed since I was a freshman in high school (which was a long damn time ago).

The other is a man who needs no tribute from me, but will get it anyway, is Major Richard Winters whose military career was documented in the book and mini-series Band of Brothers. The man was simply what all men aspire to be, but know somehow that we'd fall short. Without the sacrifices of men like Major Winters, the world would be a much worse place.

Warning.... Offensive Language Inside

2011-01-06T21:19:00.000-08:00

Huckleberry Finn – The NewSouth Edition

I was at lunch the other day when the topic of the NewSouth Edition of Twain’s The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn came up. Being surrounded by people who share my love of books and literature, we all shared the same bit of outrage over the idea of an editor and publisher coming along and sanitizing a work of art that has stood as the quintessential American novel for over a century. Huckleberry Finn is part of the fabric of our culture, for better or worse.

The heart of the controversy is, of course, the use of the word nigger in the text as it refers to the character of Jim. The NewSouth edition removes this word and replaces it with a word that the editor, Dr. Alan Gribben, feels conveys the same meaning, without the negative connotations. It also cleans up the word Injun so that "both novels can be enjoyed deeply and authentically without those continual encounters with the hundreds of now-indefensible racial slurs."

My immediate reaction was disgust. Then I took a step back and reflected on what this all means, which to be honest isn’t that much.... No one reads Huck in classes anymore, and the language has changed so much over time that it has become a difficult read for younger kids, so the only thing this really affects is a college student. So upon reflection, how do I feel about the whole thing?

I have two words for Dr. Gribben and his ilk: fuck you. I know that Dr. Gribben will never read these words and that using a profanity is likely to have my opinion discounted, but the sentiment is real. Words matter, that the intent of an author, especially one like Twain, is reflected in the words they choose to use. Twain used nigger (critics like to cite the fact that it is used 219 times in the novel, when you count the table of contents) for a reason. If you don’t like it, then don’t read it. It is very simple. If the book is assigned as part of a college curriculum, then guess what buttercup? You need to man up and read the book. What you will learn is that you should be offended by what you learn in college; you should be challenged to question your beliefs, whether they are religious, social, or historical.

The general perception of this new edition is mixed, but two writers from the Washington Post seemed to sum it up best for me. Alexandra Petri wrote:

The word is terrible. But it's a linchpin of this book. What makes The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn so radical is the fact that in a time when the horror of slavery was still fresh and the specter of inequality hung over the whole country, Mark Twain was still able to use satire to show how wrong it was.

Huckleberry Finn is uniquely marvelous because it is of its time yet manages to transcend it. In spite of the limitations of vocabulary, cultural expectations, and racial stereotypes, it lays bare the inhumanity of slavery through the power of satire. To remove it from this context is to strip it of its power -- and to needlessly whitewash a period that deserves no whitewashing.

There is nothing quite parallel to this sort of change. It's not about avoiding an awkward classroom moment, or they would have removed the word "ejaculate" from Victorian novels, where everybody is always ejaculating about everything.

Jonathon Capeheart picks up from there with this:

It's that awkward classroom moment that I want to zero in on. As the only black kid in class, I know all about those awkward moments. Reading aloud and hearing passages in history books about slavery or in literature about the disparaging views and treatment of blacks the awkwardness for me would range from embarrassing to painful. Each utterance of the N-word or some other derogatory term (say, coon or darkie or Sambo), even in context, was like a kick to the groin that hurt worse than that time in the fifth grade when I got a little too cute on the balance beam after school.

But I wouldn't trade that pain for a cleaned-up version of history in order to make me or anyone else feel better. Maybe it's the journalist in me, but I prefer the unvarnished truth to one sanitized for my protection.

Great art does not exist to make us feel better.... it exists to teach us something about ourselves, so when we go around putting fig leaves on statues or editing out words we don’t like out of books, we aren’t hurting the works so much as we are hurting our chances of learning from our past, both positively and negatively, and for that I sincerely hope Dr. Gibben and company apologize.

The Walk of Shame 2011 Edition

2011-01-06T17:44:00.000-08:00

1. Jamie Pressly was arrested for DUI this morning.... I couldn’t bring myself to put the mug shot up as I have a weak constitution this evening. Suffice it to say that she looks like she mistook her character from My Name is Earl for a template for life.... Funny enough, People magazine is saying that she looks ‘dismayed’ but otherwise well put together in her mug shot. I suppose, if you are into the Meth-Chic movement. Now if we could just get Catalina to jump around for a little while...
2. Khloe and Lamarr are going to get their own reality show, allegedly. What the hell did we do to deserve this? Oh yeah, her smaller sisters are hot. How does that reflect onto this monster though?
3. Apparently John Mellencamp and Meg Ryan are getting their farmer freak on. Good for them, although it would have been a lot more interesting and relevant twenty years ago.... Too bad he’s obviously gone blind, Meg is more than a little frightening anymore. Since I’ve never seen the movie, can someone confirm or deny that Meg starred in that new Piranha movie? Although Meg Ryan in 3-D sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Dead Pool 2011 – The Abraham J. Simpson Division

2011-01-06T17:40:00.000-08:00

I know, you would think this would be the C. Montgomery Burns Division, but I’m convinced that between Smithers’ sycophancy and medical science, Mr. Burns will end up immortal.... Not a lot of points available with these guys, but they are a surer bet than the Coleman division. Anyway, these are the old bastards that have hung on against all odds, but are going to take the dirt nap this year (finally!):

Abe Vigoda - Really? This guy is still alive and processing oxygen? He was old as hell on Barney Miller and that was a loooonnnnnggggg time ago. He still does voice work, which is good because it allows him to continue making payments to the Devil (who has facilitated his longeivty), but it is past time for Abe to shuffle off this mortal coil....

Clint Eastwood – has been making movies for, what seems like, an eternity. His turn on Birth of a Nation signaled a new era in art, and he was a badass mutha in the Dirty Harry movies. When you see him now though, you see a man who has traded places with the Crypt Keeper.... He has a Hollywood-esque “surprised” look about him, one that isn’t a result of surgery, but rather the look of a man who is mildly surprised he was able to get out of bed in the morning.

Betty White – It’s been a nice story. Really it has, but you can only cheat death with human sacrifice (Rue Mcclanahan) for so long. In other words, it’s going to get mighty cold in Cleveland real soon.

BB King – The last of the men laying claim to the title “King of the Blues” is also the least talented of the three (Freddy and Albert were so much better.... but BB is good on television). Too bad he’ll be meeting with the real Lucille before 2011 ends.

Wayne Newton – How old is this miracle of modern medicine? Only 68? The man’s face has looked like a futuristic robot mask since the mid-70’s.... I’m voting him only because he’s far enough removed from his ill-fated attempt at purchasing the Aladdin that he’s finally going to get his gangland-style execution.

2011 Dead Pool Part 1: The Gary Coleman Division

2011-01-05T16:14:00.000-08:00

I was inspired by Bill Simmons today as I was pondering my Dead Pool. He usually breaks up his NFL picks into divisions, usually named after notorious players or coaches.... So I am going to break my picks into two parts, the first is what I am calling the Gary Coleman (Under 50) Division. Here are my five under 50 year-old selections to expire sometime during 2011:

Todd Bridges: The last man standing as it were. He's been sober for a few years now and living the good life. Well, as good a life as one can live with a crippling crack addiction in ones past.... couple that with his memoir and his lovingly told tales of drugs and depravity (he really liked telling about the time him and his drug dealer buddies found crack-whores that they could violate with the handle of a Louisville Slugger.... He's a prince), that it just feels like the ghosts of Conrad Bain and Charlotte Rae will just haunt him into the grave this year.

What? Conrad and Charlotte are still alive? Who knew?

New Jersey Shore girl(Deena Nicole Cortese): Calling my shot here. If they are bringing this woman in to ramp up the crazy, then the only thing I can assume is that after her and the situation bang, is that Snookie and Angelina are going to butcher her like a hog while J-Wow and Ronnie line up some fat rails on her corpse.

Kevin Smith: What is a dead pool without a big fat guy? I'm not saying that Kevin has let himself go, but I heard that when they were thinking about planning the Star Wars sequels (movies 7-9) they asked Kevin if he wanted to play Jumbo the Hutt, you know Jabba's brother who is out for revenge. Kevin would have taken the part but Lucas didn't know how to work the Jumbo and a donkey footage into the green screen.

Megan Hauserman: I know, another reality whore, but c'mon. She was only saved from a brutal murder last year because of some dude's animation fetish, I figure between her spiral to strip-club irrelevance and the fact that she's looking for one last ride on the fame express that we'll read about her deep love of Bret Michaels in her suicide letter.

Vince Young: He's rich, entitled, and enabled.... and he just got fired. It is only going to be a matter of time before Vince gets in another strip-club confrontation ends in an OK Corral-style shoot out.

Congratulations

2010-12-22T11:05:00.000-08:00

to the Vanilla Gorilla for winning this year's Dead Pool (barring a rash of celebrity deaths in the next 9 days). When little Arnold Jackson was murdered by his wife, I mean fell off of that ladder, VG picked up 58 Dead Pool points and the victory. His prize? A picture of Marisa Miller and a 12 pack of the Coke product of his choice. To all of the participants in this years pool, or any who want to participate, get those lists in in the next week and a half...

The Rumors Must Be True

2010-12-22T09:36:00.000-08:00

No, not that I'm the worst blogger on the internet, there are plenty worse than me, no that Hef is running out of money and the bunny is about to go under. The evidence you ask? Well, they cleaned off version 7 (or is it 8?) of Pamela Anderson, put their best photoshop wizards to work and put it on display on this month's issue. Combine that with some lame 'golden ticket' promotion they had last month and you can stick a fork in Playboy. They're done.

And really, is it a bad thing? I'd argue that it is not. Whatever panache Playboy once had has been long gone, it is little more than a relic of a simpler, more innocent world. The things that gave Playboy any substance don't sell anymore and for the prurient, there are other outlets that cater to a wide array of perverts out there.

When the inevitable happens and Hef turns in his keys to the mansion and his 3 granddau...., I mean girlfriends, I think that it will be time for the sociologists and others to take a hard look at the impact that the sexual revolution had on American society and culture. Maybe I'm just being a curmudgeon, but I doubt it has been a benefit.

I wonder if the 23 year old girl in the photo above could see where her life was going to take her, would she have still taken this particular journey?

Wait....

2010-12-21T20:44:00.000-08:00

so putting a bunch of addicts and degenerates in a house together might be a bad idea? I'm stunned that Lindsay and her room-mates would make a bad decision like having a party in a half-way house. What's next, the sun is going to rise in the east? At least we can all find comfort in the idea that in 2011, many things may change, but Lindsay's hunt for booze and blow will continue unchecked.

So....

2010-12-20T18:48:00.000-08:00

This is a promo for a new USA Network television show about a legal mediator, I think. I'm still not sure. All I know is if this woman was supposed to make a decision for me, I'd just nod my head and agree. Whatever this woman wants or needs.... I agree to. Maybe it's just me...

Eric Whitacre

2010-10-15T19:35:00.000-07:00

So apparently, one of the guys I knew in high school has become an internationally known choir conductor and composer.... This is not surprising to me, as he was a very talented musician in high school, but it is always interesting to see what people do with their talents.... His latest project is what he is calling the Virtual Choir, where people are loading up a video of them singing a part in one of his compositions and then they compile them into the final piece. It's pretty interesting, check it out.

Random Silliness

2010-10-13T07:09:00.000-07:00

1. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a serious, life-threatening addiction to Diet Coke. I usually buy it in either 44 ounce or 52 ounce cups from the QT (which is the best convenience store on this little blue rock we live on, but that's another story). I only bring it up because I sometimes stop at this one gas station on the way home and they don't have the 52 ounce cup. They jump straight from the 44 to a half-gallon. This is the final step into a medical condition, I'm convinced of it. I refuse to make that jump.... for now. Looking at that 64 ounce soda cup is like Lindsay Lohan looking at big fat line of cocaine on her second day in rehab... she knows she shouldn't but you just know its gonna happen sooner or later. I'm very afraid.

2. Monica Gellar's husband is out in public discussing how, the day after his separation from his wife is pubic, he hadn't had sex with her for four months and he needed to go out and get some. I don't know if there is a joke here, other than getting into a relationship with any of the Arquettes is a horrible idea (Nicolas Cage has never recovered), but I'm guessing that going on Howard Stern's show and confessing your infidelities is not the best way to get that Friends money in perpetuity David....

3. I was listening to an old Dokken CD the other day and I became legitimately curious as to why the drummer was always listed as 'Wild' Mick Brown? Really, he was a fairly generic hard rock drummer, with all of the subtlety of a hammer, so what was he doing that made him so wild? Or was this Don Dokken's attempt to venture into Led Zeppelin's Hammer of the Gods territory? Either way, calling Mick Brown 'Wild' was just silly and smacks of desperation.... It probably drove George Lynch to steroids.... I loved this album in high school, so here's a cut, just know that Don Dokken is the least charismatic front man in the history of rock and roll:

4. Shauna Sand is out in public again.... Can we take her and Coco out and drop them off in a desert somewhere? Then I saw this picture a few days back....

This poor young lady is not related to Shauna, she's Lorenzo Lamas's daughter, but it is obvious that there are some serious body image issues going on in that household....

5. Kim Kardashian is naked in this month's W magazine.... Didn't she just complain about Playboy releasing unpublished pictures of her? I guess any publicity is better than none....

6. Finally, this girl is the one who Brett Favre was so smitten with he had to send her pictures of his wiener.... Does that move really work? I mean, unless you're Tommy Lee, why would you want to do that? Is this some hidden advantage to wearing Wranglers? I guess they raise them differently in Mississippi....

AAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

2010-10-04T16:37:00.001-07:00

MAKE IT STOP.... PLEASE ICE-T, MAKE IT STOP. HALLOWEEN ISN'T FOR ANOTHER MONTH!

Seriously, make use of the pimp-hand and keep this shit out of my interwebz. I don't know which one I need worse at the moment: a HAZMAT-strength eye-washing station or a cycle or two of antibiotics...

I'm All In...

2010-10-03T18:23:00.000-07:00

I really hate poker metaphors, but with the new fall television season in full swing it felt appropriate. I suggested my love of all things Alison Brie last year and the new season of Community has done nothing to blunt that. She's funny and hot, which is always a good combination. Here are some other random thoughts:

1. Black Swan is coming out soon and if you recall, the movie features the male fantasy of Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman making out. Apparently it took the duo the better part of a bottle of tequila to get the ladies in the mood. My question is what kind of tequila were they using and is it generally available? Can you imagine what that information would be worth to a PR firm? It would make for a much better commercial that that Sopranos douche sitting at a table.

2. Kanye West was on SNL this past week... being just as stupid as he always is. It was a laughable performance. Why is he famous again? Oh yeah, he stole some award from the similarly talent-deprived Taylor Swift.

3. They are making another Three Musketeers movie. What the hell did the French do to deserve to have Orlando Bloom desecrate their national heroes?

4. Kate Beckinsale has officially given up. She fell for the paycheck and is going to star in the fourth Underworld movie. All this means is that she'll be doing direct to dvd sequels to this and her other shitty movies until her looks fade. That's too bad, as she is not a bad actress, but she's married to an abominable director. At least she's still working though....

5. The League is back, which is my new favorite television show. It is a crazy, semi-improvised show about a group of friends who are in a fantasy football league. There is no place they won't go, which to me is the essence of good comedy. I love it, you should watch it too....

So what is the feature set?

2010-09-15T19:01:00.000-07:00

So apparently you can order a Coco edition of a Cadillac. I have several thoughts running through my mind when I stop and try and wrap my head around that idea.

First, does it come with passive seatbelts like they used to have in the 80's so Ice-T doesn't get a ticket for not wearing a belt? How about does the seat have an extra large girth to handle Coco's junk? And is the seat made of some space age polymers that repel both STDs and the spunk of your current john you happen to be servicing? I mean really Cadillac, was Pamela Anderson unavailable?

I know when I think upscale, luxury cars, I always ask myself what Ice-T's whore driving? And now that I know the answer to that question, I know my next car purchase will most likely be a Lexus... or something....

Sexual Harassment

2010-09-13T16:20:00.000-07:00

So apparently the New York Jets sexually harassed this woman:

Her name is Ines Sainz and she was at Jets practice to interview Mark Sanchez for a Spanish language television network. Look, I get that women can do any job men can and they have made significant strides in the field of sports reporting, but you know what? If you want to be taken seriously in your job, don't show up to interview an athlete in a locker room filled with testosterone fueled naked guys looking like this:

Or this:

I know this isn't a phrase people like to hear, but she kinda deserved it....

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you want to be considered a professional, dress like one.

Recharging My Batteries...

2010-09-11T23:19:00.000-07:00

Always sounds like a good idea, until you get so lazy that all you can say when you are asked when you're going to get back to work is "I can't be bothered." Which isn't to imply that anyone asked if I was going to post on here again.... I'm not going to go crazy like that. Anyway, here's 5 stories that made me laugh:

1. The headline? Zac Efron's Beard. How am I not supposed to laugh? Apparently I'm supposed to give a shit that Zac finally hit puberty and can grow facial hair, kinda... But I'm not supposed to infer that Zac is taking it in the ass from some random waiter at the Beverly Hills P.F. Changs? Next thing you know Charlie St. Cloud is going to play the Rev. Willie G in the ZZTop story...

2. Paris Hilton used to stash blow in her vag. At least it's good for something other than spreading industrial strength STDs. You know how they used to try to dissuade young people from doing coke by telling you all of the nasty shit that it is made from? What does this say about Paris' junk? Oh, and did they have to use one of those bank drive thru containers to keep it from falling out at an inopportune time?

3. Kanye is writing a song for Taylor Swift.... Is he going to use his superpowers to turn back time to not be an asshole? If not, he needs to just STFU.

4. Speaking of superpowers, so this guy is the new Spiderman? What was Toby to masculine for the role? I know that it is old news and the Spiderman character is supposed to be a normal guy, but is he supposed to have tiny vestigal wings and use Downy on his delicates?

5. Apparently Kim Kardashian is not happy that Playboy is releasing more photographs from her session she did with the magazine last year. Really? There are more pictures? Hmmmmm.... Anyway, what did she think that Playboy was? Some company that releases pictures of naked women or something? I suppose she regrets letting Ray-J pee on her too.... Of course without that we wouldn't know who the hell she is, so probably not. Although Lamarr Odom probably does...

Photoshop? Please?

2010-08-23T18:56:00.000-07:00

The first time I saw this I was sure that her crown was photoshopped.... but I really found myself wishing that those wizards would have spent more time making her face less horrific.....

I am all about putting boobs to the forefront, but this look even offended me.

"I'm Too Pretty To Be In Jail..."

2010-08-11T05:54:00.000-07:00

Sure you are Snookie.... sure you are. Will someone please punch her in the face? Someone did? Maybe they need to hit her harder. Maybe if one of those other orange idiots hits her hard enough she'll stop looking like the monster that should be guarding a pile of gold in middle earth.

Raping My Childhood Part 4573

2010-08-07T16:40:00.000-07:00

It is not enough that Hollywood has tried to ruin everyone in their 40's childhood memories, now scientists are trying to get into the act as well....

Apparently, the dinosaur that was known as triceratops did not exist.... so all of those artists depictions of triceratops valiantly fighting off a t-rex were not real.... damnit! First brontosaurus, now triceratops? What's next? What is going to be left when they finally open Jurassic Park? I'm not taking this well...

**Goes off to punch a wall**

Where's the Magic?

2010-07-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

Apparently the photoshop wizards that Maxim usually employs to edit out nipples and unsightly blemishes were on vacation when the editorial staff (that's a joke folks, if you've ever read Maxim, you know that there is no such thing as editing or ideas there) decided to put the least ugly female member of the Jersey Shore in their publication. I prefer that thought to the one that tells me that this is the best they can do for this poor girl. That boob job makes Heidi Montag's look natural in comparison.

Seriously, I could go anywhere in the metropolitan Phoenix area where more than ten people have gathered, throw a rock and hit a prettier girl. This skank needs to keep her special guidoized brand of herpes contained to that festering cesspool known as New Jersey. At some point the CDC needs to intervene...

OG

2010-07-20T14:46:00.000-07:00

Ice-T got put upon by the man again today, being arrested for driving on a suspended license and not wearing a seatbelt. Muthafucka is HARD....

Happy Jail Day!

2010-07-20T07:48:00.001-07:00

So Lindsay's supposed to go to jail today..... She's like comedy manna from heaven. So anyway, here are some random observations from the past week:

1. Literally? I went and saw the movie Inception over the weekend. I really enjoyed the spectacle and the story that Christopher Nolan had created. It was really good, but there are a significant number of movie critics who really do not like Nolan's style. Which is perfectly alright, but they criticize his movies as being too literal, not metaphoric enough. Which is kind of silly. These are the same people who are using David Lynch as an example of great filmmaking. The man hasn't told a coherent story in decades, but that is what Nolan should aspire too.... idiots. One buffoon actually said they liked the Transformers sequel better than Inception. That's just stupid. Watching that movie was like raping your own eyes.

2. Lil Kim did this to herself? Why? Haven't these losers seen each other? They NEVER look better afterwards.....

3. Paris Hilton has been cited twice in the past month for possession of marijuana in foreign lands. Aren't they supposed to lock her in some sort of prehistoric hell for that stuff? I saw Midnight Express. I'd like to see her use her ass herpes to get out of a Turkish prison.....

4. The cast of the Jersey Shore is getting a raise.... Why exactly? The only raise these losers should get is when they are swinging from the shower curtain rod during their auto-erotic asphyxiation games. And people wonder why the world hates America.

5. I missed the Jennifer Love Hewitt prostitution movie on Lifetime this weekend. I don't know if I can forgive myself, as I'm sure there was some hot seedy motel action. I'll try to forgive myself....

6. Angelina Jolie has a new movie that is coming out this weekend. It looks good for a movie about a woman who is clearly starving and looking for a sandwich....

7. The Old Spice guy just signed a deal to star in a yet to be developed television show. About a guy who runs around without a shirt I'm guessing. I hope he saves his money.... Go Devils!

Morning News.....

2010-07-12T21:27:00.001-07:00

Apparently that little leprechaun Spencer Pratt is homeless. That's just too bad. I got nothing else about that little bastard. In more important news (important only because it deals with someone who actually did something with their life) New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner died this morning. No one had him in the pool, which was an oversight I'm sure for many, which means someone lost out on twenty points. In the big picture this wasn't unexpected as he's been reportedly been sick for many years, but it is good to reflect on how George changed the culture of baseball..... wait, it isn't good because he helped put baseball in the position it is currently in, which is a place where only a handful of teams can compete on a regular basis and whenever a team falls out of contention they sell of all of their good players because they cannot afford to keep them. He was a bully, a narcissistic asshole, and a megalomaniac. Gee, why do the good die so young?

On second thought, let's talk about Spencer's future.....

More Mel....

2010-07-12T12:12:00.000-07:00

So I'm heading out the door to look for those bums I was talking about due to the fact that even more Mel Gibson crazy is coming out of the wood work.... I just wanted to hit a couple of points.

The first is that Mel Gibson is crazy and full of hate. It shouldn't be shocking, due to the fact that his father is EXACTLY the same way and he has been living as an entitled celebrity for the past thirty years or more. It would be more shocking if he ended up normal and well-adjusted. The calls for apologies and rehab are old news and quite frankly would be little more than window dressing for the fact that Mel Gibson is crazy and full of hate.

The second is the fact that no one in the media is actually quoting Mel from his rants. Wait, they are, they just blank out some of the letters.... it just reminds me of what Louis CK said in this clip, it's timely and funny:

Finally, I really do hope that Mel Gibson does take a step back and recognizes that he's teetering close to the edge. I was really depressed when I found out that OJ Simpson was a murdering son of a bitch, I don't want to have to add Mel to that list as well.

Finally, the World Cup is Over....

2010-07-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

So the World Cup ended this weekend. Mercifully. Anyway, the nation of South Africa, which brought us such wonderful things as Krugerrands and Morgan Freeman as president can go ahead and set their vuvuzelas on fire. If you watched any of the Cup you realized what it would be like to live in an active wasp hive. Fun. But that isn't the point of this post.

No, apparently the lady pictured above is a Dutch porn star who promised all of her twitter followers a free hummer should the Netherlands have won the cup. It was an interesting proposal, which sparked several questions:

1. How would she do it? She currently has over 100,000 followers, the logistics of servicing so many people would have been Herculean. No, really.... Heracles supposedly serviced all fifty daughters of Thespius in a single night, impregnating them all. Even Heracles would have been interested in how Ms. Eden was going to fulfill her promise.

2. What kind of desperate loner would have tried to claim their "prize"? Maybe it was going to go down like that sting on the Simpsons where they were giving away free motorboats, but really it was a parking ticket sting... Maybe they were going to sterilize the losers when they showed up for their reward.

3. Why am I not following more interesting people on twitter? I've got a bunch of writers and critics in my twitter feed, which is nice I suppose, but kinda boring.... In the comments, maybe you all could suggest some fun people to follow in the twitter world.

Again, mercifully, the cup is over and Spain won, saving us all from some sordid news story about how 100,000 losers from around the world contracted a virulent strain of porn-herpes....

Bored on a Monday Morning....

2010-07-11T23:40:00.000-07:00

So I have been sitting around the house for the past three weeks, trying to find something to do. I have read the interwebz far too much.... I am on Lindsay Lohan overload and if I read another story about Mel Gibson, I just might have to find a two bums and pay them to fight. So I have a few random thoughts I figured I'd share:

1. Lebron James is going to Miami. I don't understand why I'm supposed to care so much, but ESPN devoted a full hour to his decision.... Nothing Lebron is going to say will keep me interested for 60 minutes, unless he has my family held hostage. To think that he needed an hour of airtime for that atrocity, well, let's just say that someone's mommy instilled a little too much "you're special" into their head.... And then Jesse Jackson starts defending Lebron? Amazing....

2. They are going to make an Ozzy Osborne movie? Jesus, please no. Just no. First of all when I say 'they,' I am referring to the dolts who are trying to tell me that the 5th Harry Potter movie, which has sold over $900 million worth of tickets lost money, so I am not talking about people who are sane and normal. But really? who is going to see this shit? Anyone with any sense and interest has seen the Osbornes and realizes that they are all nuts.... Why would I want to pay ten bucks to see his fantasy version of his life on the screen? And he wants to play his mother? Oh man.... they talked about this stuff in my psychology classes....

3. San Francisco is thinking about banning pet sales.... I'm intrigued. I won't even discuss gerbil sales....

4. Bon Jovi is in the clip above. He tweaks his leg in the video, which is a bad song, apparently tells the audience that getting old sucks and goes into the next song, Livin' on a Prayer. After that the show is over and everyone goes home happy, except for Jon Bon Jovi who finds out that he tore his calf muscle. I've never been a big Bon Jovi fan, but damn, the dude's a pro...

5. Finally, some brilliant photographer asked themselves, what would one of Homer's favorite models look like if she were having her pictures taken in the mid-80's? The results are at the top of the post.... That photographer is my new hero....

Keepin' the Pimp Hand Strong....

2010-07-08T16:19:00.000-07:00

A new legal post....

1. Urkel decided that Mel Gibson shouldn't have the news all to himself and went out and punched his baby mama in the tit. That's right, he punched her breast (which was an implant, as the story goes.... does this make a difference?) while they were driving in the car. Why does anyone care?

2. Mel Gibson keeps making news... Wetbacks are the latest 'victim' of his racist wrath. Does this come as a shock? I'd be surprised if there was a race he liked at this point. It's apparent that he's going to have to just go away now, which is too bad as Edge of Darkness was a pretty good movie. Watching the public disgrace unfold has been sad.

3. Speaking of sad, Lindsay is going to jail. That isn't really sad, but the fact that she is only going away for 90-ish days is. Her contempt for everything and everyone not named Pablo Escobar is astonishing. Hopefully she doesn't have anal herpes to give her an excuse to get out of jail early like Paris did.

How Will She Make It?

2010-07-03T12:12:00.000-07:00

Apparently the figure of $750 million that has been making the rounds is not what the soon to be ex-Mrs. Tiger Woods is going to get in her divorce settlement. She is going to have to make do with only $100 million. Well, I know Tiger liked Perkins, hopefully Elin likes the Grand Slam special at Denny's, because I don't know how she'll make it on that little cash. I know she's gonna love Wal-Mart....

What's New Sugar Tits?

2010-07-02T19:41:00.000-07:00

Remember when he was just a drunken anti-dentite? I do.... Let's face it, Mel has gotten away with a whole bunch of stuff over the years, from nailing sorority sisters at Stanford while shooting a movie, to railing against the Jews who run banks and studios. He was able to overcome because he could make money at the box office, but is that still the case? I don't think so. I liked Edge of Darkness, but he's getting to the age where he's going to have to start taking character/supporting parts, and no one goes to the theater just for those. Overall, he's just killing his career prematurely. Too bad....

And yes, I am going to eschew the traditional Russian whore joke here....

I Hate Michael Scott....

2010-07-01T06:53:00.000-07:00

Trying to get back into the swing of things....

1. Steve Carell has decided to leave The Office after this upcoming season. I have never liked his character on that show. It always felt like he was trying too hard. In the beginning it was awkward and uncomfortable, but as the show 'progressed' he became unwatchable. At least Dwight was funny.... until a couple of years ago. The show has been decidedly bad for years now, but it is the only show on NBC that gets ratings, so you know the network is going to keep its corpse on display for at least two or three more years. Good for Steve to get out before the network engages in a creative Weekend at Bernie's with his show and character like they have done for Jay Leno.

2. Speaking of unwatchable... Jay Leno's ratings have been lower than Conan's were. HA! The least talented, least funny host in late night is getting what he deserves. Not really, if there were any justice in the world, Jay's garage would explode, his wife would leave him and reveal his fish fetish to the world, and he would be reduced to scouring the newspapers of the world for joke headlines for shut-ins who don't know any better.

3. The Bachelor and his television girlfriend broke up.... does anyone really give a fuck? Now she's trying to guilt Playboy into taking pictures of her naked. Really? I'll tell you what Hef, if you promise to keep her fugly ass out of your magazine, I'll actually subscribe. On a side note, if you go on a television dating show, you automatically lose any ability to call the other person an attention whore. Them's just the rules. Venereal or whatever your name is, take your gay ex-boyfriend and go the hell away.

4. So did Gary Coleman's ex-wife really kill the little bastard?

5. So many people are prefacing the news of Megan Fox's wedding with some sort of mocking 'she's off of the market' crack. Was she ever on the market? I know that Brian Austin Greene is a douche bag, but hey, he locked that shit down early, good for him. You just know that Ian Ziering is out there combing the Greyhound stations like that old Poison video....

6. If I hear another 'expert' or 'insider' report on LeBron James, I might just up and stab someone... Seriously, does anyone really give a shit about where an entitled, spoiled millionaire is going to go and quit during another playoff run?

7. I love Ice-T... but can I paypal him some money to keep his wife's junk off of my internet? At least for a few days? It would totally be worth it.

8. Apparently Al Gore likes the happy ending.... which might be a bit inconvenient for any future political causes he'd like to champion.... but, what the hell, I'm intrigued by his ideas, in fact I might just want his newsletter....

9. Tiger's soon to be ex-wife is going to get upwards of $750 million. Good for her. I know one thing though, I've been into a lot of crappy diners in my life and I've never seen one waitress in any Perkins, Denny's, or iHop that is worth $750 million. That's just me though, I have taste and class....

10. The picture used above was done to commemorate the anniversary of Michael Jackson's death... I'm waiting for the one where Satan is sodomizing his drugged ass while he is burning in a pit of fire. About this one though, who knew dying made you black? Food for thought....

Only Two Ways This Can Go....

2010-06-30T22:55:00.000-07:00

This will either blind the audience with its awesomeness.... or be so mesmerizingly shitty that it will make Showgirls look like an Academy Award winning character study. There will be no middle ground. Either way, I'm there...

Line for the iPhone....

2010-06-29T16:52:00.000-07:00

I'll admit it: I don't understand the allure of standing in line for a phone, computer, or gadget that is sure to be riddled with problems. But there are plenty of dorks out there that do, so whatever. All I know is that there is some controversy over Jason Bateman being pulled out of line and ushered into the store to purchase his new iPhone away from the unwashed masses. Whatever. Apparently he was in line for over 5 hours, minding his own business and an employee recognized him and brought him in. Why the hell not? If Bateman had pulled the "Don't you know who I am?" routine people would be killing him. Instead, he sat in line and waited. Like any of these other dorks wouldn't have gone in if they were invited.... Losers. I think that they're mostly pissed that they bought a shitty phone on the worst cellular service in America...

Love the Picture....

2010-06-28T22:48:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure why, but I love this picture.... It makes me giggle.

Where's She/He Taping It?

2010-06-28T14:54:00.000-07:00

Everyone's favorite Pre-Operative Transsexual went to the BET Awards this weekend. Good for it. My big question is what exactly is she wearing and how long afterwards did it take her to fire the person responsible?

Howyoudoin'?

2010-06-28T00:10:00.000-07:00

Hey Joey, loaded much? Knowing Joey though, he isn't drunk, he's coming off of a big sandwich bender.... Drowning his professional sorrows in prosciutto and cheese. I don't know what's sadder, that Joey Tribiani looks that damn old, or that he's that loaded, and old. I don't feel sorry for him though. It's not like he's going to run out of money anytime soon, he'll just bloat up and get gigs as Santa Clause at the local mall.

And Aloha Means Goodbye....

2010-06-27T11:04:00.000-07:00

So I just got back from vacation..... so sad. We spent a week in Hawaii and now I just want to go back. Too bad for me, but possibly good for you, the reader. I will pick up the posting pace. I took this picture the first night we were in Hawaii.... I just love to look at it.

I Hope This isn't the Arrested Development Movie

2010-06-12T17:19:00.000-07:00

At least Jason Bateman isn't kissing dudes here... Funny moments, but I'm kinda meh on this.

I'm not one to pile on, but....

2010-06-12T00:44:00.000-07:00

Damn.... The important thing to remember here is that Lindsay is not yet 24 years old. And she has the puffy, liver-failure face of Jimmy Page. I think that the Lohan pick is going to win the pool for someone this year.... I've just got a feeling.

Who is January Jones?

2010-06-11T14:35:00.000-07:00

And why did those three cars get in her way last night? Obviously they missed the memo that she was going to be driving..... Luckily Bobby Flay was there to save the day. I wonder what his wife had to say about that?

Interesting...

Reason #15745 Why the Rest of the Civilized World Hates Us...

2010-06-05T13:21:00.000-07:00

Here is a brief description of a new show being produced by MTV:

Shot in documentary format, the show follows the Electric Barbarellas as they shop their demo tape around in the hopes of landing a record deal. The group is led by a singer-songwriter named Claudia, who is described by a source as a "female Diddy" that tried out roughly 700 girls before deciding on the five in addition to herself that make up the band. Sources said to think of the group as a cross between the Pussycat Dolls and Spice Girls, except raunchier and not as musically gifted, if that's possible.

Oh, it is possible to be raunchier and less talented than the Pussycat Dolls and the Spice Girls, but why the hell would anyone want to watch it? Executives like to complain about the erosion of the television audience, but when they put this shit out there, can anyone blame the public for not watching it?

And the Universe Thanks Her

2010-06-05T13:14:00.001-07:00

Kim Cattral has gone on record that now that she is over 50 she will no longer be photographed/filmed in the nude. I'll just say thanks Kim, we don't need to see that dusty old cooter again. Now if she could just talk to Sharon Stone....

And hell no, there was never going to be a photograph to go with this post...

Screw You....

2010-06-03T23:27:00.000-07:00

I think that this is Brooke Shields' new approach to life. I'll be the first to admit that I've never been a big fan of Brooke's. She always struck me as pretty blah, just another empty skin that needs words and ideas from others to function, a perception that reading Andre Agassi's book didn't help.

This has slowly started to change for me though.... Brooke recently decided that she was going to buck the traditional Hollywood mindset and become an advocate for wearing fur. She even went to Denmark and designed her own fur coat. Good for her,I'm about sick of PETA and their propaganda machine. I don't know if I'd ever wear a fur coat, not being a female, nor being, you know..... European, but I love the fact that she just doesn't give a damn.

I'll show my support by going out and eating an animal tomorrow....

Oh, the Humanity....

2010-06-03T22:15:00.000-07:00

Browsing the web, trying to dull the pain of the curse of the Golden Girls and I find that it is apparently open season on celebrity marriages. Well, actually I guess we would have to work on our definition of celebrity, but you get the idea. First I read that Al and Tipper Gore were splitting up, and then I heard the news that Zack from Saved by the Bell and his wife were divorcing. The capper to this rash of celebrity separation is of course the idea that Heidi McPlasticbitch left that lunatic Spencer. He is pictured above from the past couple of days coming to grips with his ample gayness....

I guess there is really no point to this post other than to wonder, if the shallow and vacuous cannot keep their marriages together, what hope do the rest of us have?

The Care Bear Picked the Wrong Golden Girl

2010-06-03T21:43:00.000-07:00

I knew one of them was outta here this year, I just didn't think it would be the "sexy" one. That is the most disgusting sentence I've ever written. I think I should stop writing in English just for that offense. The idea that Rue whateverthefuckhernameis was somehow a sexpot was ludicrous at the time and is vomit inducing now. I am not joking in the least that in even in her prime, she'd take a back seat to Betty White today, if Betty could leave her facebook contingent at home. Well, Ms. Regretful is no longer with us and CB is just biding his time....

Homer's Hot 10 - #1 Sofia Vergara

2010-05-31T18:43:00.001-07:00

I posted up Sofia before, in relation to her new television show, Modern Family. She was originally a model whose nickname was Sofia Viagra, which I cannot really dispute. There was a scene in one of the later episodes of Modern Family that really sums up Ms. Vergara, it was when Sofia's character was getting out of the water and Phil asks his wife if she is moving in slow motion or if his brain is just doing that to him... I could relate.

So there you go, is the list perfect? Of course not, but isn't that what makes the world go 'round?

Happy Memorial Day

2010-05-31T15:19:00.001-07:00

My brother-in-law and I just spent 10 weeks watching The Pacific on HBO. It was horrifying.... The horrors that the show inflicted on its viewers can only suggest how brutal it must have been for those men enduring it. I can only tip my cap and thank those who have served in the armed forces and have allowed me to sit here on my couch watching television on a beautiful Monday afternoon.

Books

2010-05-29T22:02:00.000-07:00

So I haven't read much lately, which is unusual for me. I have read a few books recently that I wanted to comment about though, so here goes:

1. The Chicago Way - was a book written by Michael Harvey, who was the creator and executive producer of A&E's Cold Case Files. After eight or nine years of non-stop production of that show he decided to change gears. He had started a novel years before and decided to try to finish it. And finish it he did. It is a classic PI/noir novel, with dirty cops, dirty politicians, and a protagonist who is both flawed and noble. Despite the genre trappings, The Chicago Way turned out to be one of the best first novels that I have ever read. The story is tight, with no filler anywhere. The characters are archetypes, but they aren't one-dimensional, they talk and behave like real people. It was a great read.

2/3. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo/The Girl Who Played with Fire - were the first of a planned 10 books by Swedish writer Stieg Larsson. The books were to tell the story of a journalist named Mikael Blomkvist and a social misfit/computer hacker (what a stretch, although this one is female) Lisbeth Salander. Larsson died after he had completed the third book, leaving notes and summaries for what would come. The first book was fairly interesting. The characters were a bit cardboard, but the story elements were actually pretty interesting. After reading the first book, I was intrigued enough to dial up the second. What a piece of crap. There were actually three pages of text detailing what pieces of furniture from IKEA that Lisbeth purchased to furnish her flat. I don't usually quit reading a book prior to finishing it, but in this case I made an exception. Avoid these books if at all possible.

I do have a new book to read, it is called The Tourist, I have high hopes for it, I'll write more about it later.

What's playing on iTunes...

2010-05-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

I love people with a sense of humor about themselves and what they do. Here is Paul Gilbert, probably the scariest guitarist alive, who went through a pop music phase for a while. His albums were fun and filled with quirky songs and little gems. This song, which is not a video btw, is a good example of how Paul's sense of humor and music come together. The song comes from the subtly titled album Burning Organ. I just wanted to share.

Homer's Hot 10 - #2 Jennifer Connelly

2010-05-29T19:20:00.000-07:00

I was digging through the dvd collection the other day and ran across Dark City, a strange sci-fi movie that came out a year or two before The Matrix, but dealt with some of the questions of the nature of reality. It is a very cool movie, very odd, but good. Anyway, Jennifer Connelly played Rufus Sewell's wife, and she looks great. The nice thing about Connelly is that on top of being a pretty decent actress and a beautiful woman, she also seems to have her shit together. Yeah, between her and Salma, they are going to keep those eyebrow sculpters in business, but no one is perfect...

Homer's Hot 10 - #3 Alessandra Ambrosio

2010-05-29T16:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know, another lingerie model... I am predictable if nothing else. She is also an important reason why Casino Royale with Daniel Craig was so successful, so I'm supporting the Bond franchise as well.

Homer's Hot 10 - #4 Salma Hayek

2010-05-29T15:51:00.000-07:00

Desperado was on the other night.... It reminded me why I love Salma, it also reminded me that Melanie Griffin must either have a magic vagina or some sort of dark powers that we should be grateful she uses only to snag Antonio Banderas. Salma's guest spot on 30 Rock last year only reinforced her awesomeness.

Homer's Hot 10 - #5 Heidi Klum

2010-05-29T15:26:00.000-07:00

I love Heidi. She's hot and she is no bullshit. Based on her catch-phrase delivery "You're out," I can only imagine that her and Seal have efficient German sex... Either way, she looks as good today as she ever has.

Homer's Hot 10 - #6 Diora Baird

2010-05-29T15:19:00.000-07:00

I know, you're asking, "Who?" I agree. I was flipping channels one night and there was a movie on Syfy (or whatever the hell they call that channel now) and a bad movie was on, but there was this really pretty actress in it. She's no Meryl Streep, but guess what Meryl doesn't look like Diora either... and she can line up a putt like no one's business.

Poor Dead Dennis Hopper...

2010-05-29T15:04:00.000-07:00

Got no love in the pool. Well, actually I'm sure that he was probably invited to a Playboy party at some point in his career, so I can't reasonably say that. Anyway, no points for anyone.... I'd say something about Hopper, but that was one strange dude. I know it was lingering, so I hope he is at peace. Just like the man to mess with the Gary Coleman's last bit of fame...

Homer's Hot 10 - #7 Kim Kardashian

2010-05-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

I know, I know... she's a vapid fame-whore. I get it, but you know, it isn't like I have to sit down and talk to her. Curiously, her candid photographs always look better than when she's done up for a photo shoot. Why is that?

Homer's Hot 10 - #8 Marisa Miller

2010-05-28T19:06:00.000-07:00

I am keeping it on course, but I decided to put Marisa here at #8 in honor of the Vanilla Gorilla and his 58 point lead in the pool. My wife asked me the other day why Victoria's Secret had let Marisa go.... It was a sad few minutes until a VS ad came on my television and she was there. All was right in the world again...

And The Vanilla Gorilla Leaps Into The Lead....

2010-05-28T16:12:00.000-07:00

So it is official.... VG (the original, not the racist asshole... wait) now has 58 points in the 2010 Dead Pool. A strong opening salvo, but not insurmountable. Anyway, congrats on the points VG and RIP Arnold.

Homer's Hot 10 - #9 Kate Beckinsale

2010-05-27T05:30:00.000-07:00

This was another obvious pick.... my feelings on Kate are well known, keeping my commentary here to a minimum.

Proof that we are going to hell...

2010-05-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

The Disney princesses are more than marketing, they represent the good, innocent, and pure things in the world. Well, actually they don't, but they are there for all of those little girls, setting unrealistic expectations and prepping them for their eating disorders and body issues. So what happens when you add comic book dorks to a Disney princess? I guess you get this:

It is more than a little disturbing, but I guess there's a market out there for this which is why we live in the world we do.

Homer's Hot 10 - #10 Megan Fox

2010-05-25T21:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't forgotten my promise to create a better list than Maxim. I could put in some sexy chihuahuas in spots 2-9 as long as Megan is in the top 10 somewhere. I am just going to post them as I can, by all means argue with me about who I pick. Oh yeah, I'm totally going to ignore the few rules that I wrote down earlier. I find these ladies hot/sexy/just plain attractive. I don't really care what order they're in or how they became famous. Right now I'm loving Megan because unlike a lot of Hollywood types, she has the stones to walk away from a movie franchise for no other reason than she's not going to work with an asshole like Bay. Yeah, her tats are ridiculous, but whatever...

It's Okay, You Can Let Go Now...

2010-05-25T21:15:00.000-07:00

I had planned on writing up something about my favorite episodes of Lost, but as usual, life got in the way. That's okay, it is still going to happen, but I did want to jot down some ideas about the finale of the show and my reaction to it and since this is my blog, I will.

"The End" was an episode that I dreaded seeing, primarily because I was afraid that the creative team behind Lost would drop the ball. I feared this because I believed that they were going to pander to their fans and give us answers. Nobody really wants answers, not really. We want understanding, and quite frankly those are two completely separate things. I found the end of Lost to be an emotional, bordering on poignant experience. No, this is not going to be a Doc Jensen explication, because while I appreciate what Doc does and it can be very entertaining, I think that Doc Jensen and all of the other Lost freaks who have been searching for answers and meaning are barking up the wrong tree.... I get to that in a bit. No, I found the end of the series to be great because I was able to find closure for a group of characters that I had come to care about. I wanted to see them resolve, but I didn't need to know the minutia of their after-island existence. It was enough for me to know that there is a crazy-assed island out there somewhere where the world that we know may or may not exist in, and that this sad group of lonely people were able to fight their way off and that in the end they were important to each other.

The reason that I believe that Doc Jensen and the genre fans that are upset about the end of the show get it wrong is that their approach was wrong. To the science fiction geeks: this piece of fiction played the genre straight and true. Everyone forgets that science fiction is never about the science, it is about us, it is about searching for meaning in our lives and using the fantastic to try and find the truths that are out there. The search for answers is never straight, never linear. Doc and his ilk get it wrong because searching for meaning while the story is ongoing is nothing more than an academic trick to show how much you know, not what the story wants us to take from it. Only upon reflection and with time can you determine what a piece of art means to you and what it could and should mean to others.

I'm not sure I'm there yet.... I don't quite know what it all means, but I do know that I enjoyed the ride, enjoyed the ambition and the effort put forth.... I do know that I loved the little moments in the finale, the reunions, the fun little call backs, but there was a moment that really hit me, that I found to be the essence of what this last episode is, and maybe the show (I'll have to sort that out later). It was when Jack was going back into the source, he was telling Hurley that he believed in him and that it had to be him that protected the island, there was a cut-away to Ben, where you knew how hard it was for him to hear that.... for all of the sacrifices he had made for the island, from his own humanity to the lives of those who he loved, that he would never be the one. It was a quick but beautiful moment. You can't get that from a sit-com, or from a procedural or any other network prime-time drama, because they don't aim for that kind of height. They entertain, but to reach the level of art takes more than that.... and over 120 hours of television Lost made it.

Homer's Hot 100

2010-05-16T18:56:00.000-07:00

Well, actually it is only going to be 10. My list will be as arbitrary as Maxim's was, but I'd like to think that I have better taste than those fools. I would like to stress that these will be the 10 sexiest celebrities that are working today 'in my opinion.' One key is that they have to be relatively active... I think Dagmara Dominczyk is crazy hot, but no one knows her, nor has she done anything lately. I also vow to not just post up 10 pictures of Kate Beckinsale either...

Number 10 will be up tomorrow. In the mean-time, here's a picture of Rebecca Mader who was on Lost for a season. She never seemed all that attractive to me until she came back on season 6 and wow. Anyway, your opinion will be different, but it will be wrong. When putting this together, I went through a thorough process that was complex and time-consuming.

What I go through for you guys.

Ronnie James Dio

2010-05-16T18:20:00.000-07:00

My earlier post was a bit off-handed... but I did love Dio. I didn't actually listen to Dio until the mid-80's. The Last in Line was out and I was on a skiing trip with some friends. I was out of tapes to listen to in my knock-off Walkman (Sony was expensive back then...) and a friend had Holy Diver and The Last in Line. I spent the rest of the weekend listening to Dio, even borrowing some Dio-era Sabbath. There was just something about the way he sang. His lyrics were stupid and over-wrought, but he was belting it out about the eyes of the witch or rainbows in the dark, you knew he believed it, even if it was ridiculous.

I loved listening to the man, and his is the only totally random encounter with a celebrity that I have ever had. He was exceedingly generous to an obnoxious 21 year old me. No one had Dio in the pool, which was an oversight... but you'll have to forgive me.... I'm going to go off and listen to some Sabbath.

Shoulda had Dio in the Pool....

2010-05-16T14:30:00.000-07:00

RIP you little elfin barbarian. Get the horns up!

Thanks for Nothing ABC...

2010-05-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

In the midst of a Lost Lovefest, trust ABC to be killjoys for people who enjoy good comedy. Despite the fact that there are two major holes in their Wednesday night comedy block - c'mon, do we really need a repeat of The Middle kicking off the night? And Cougar Town? A stupid idea executed with all of the subtlety of Gob Bluth after six or seven forget me nows - ABC officially killed off Better Off Ted this week. It was only one of the best comedies on television, the writing, acting, and casting were all top notch. And it doesn't even get to air all of their episodes. Dumb....

And a big screw you to Fox as well, their studio actually makes the show.... but they would rather air shit like Sons of Tucson. Makes no sense to me. Oh well, I guess I just have to wait for Portia to make another hilarious show that no one else watches.

Just for Kicks

2010-05-15T23:32:00.000-07:00

See what I did there? When former guitar god Edward Van Halen came out with a line of shoes recently, I was disgusted. These shoes are ugly and really, who is his audience anymore? A bunch of 40 year-old men? A 40 year old man wearing these things should get punched in the face. Anyway, why bring this piece of old news up? Because I saw these for the first time today:

Now, I know what you are thinking, these are the second ugliest shoes ever to appear on this blog. And I would have to agree with you, but damnit if I just don't love them anyway. I would never own them, but I am jealous of those who would throw on their Dharma jumpsuit and lace these babies up.

No, they wouldn't be able to wear them to work, fry grease would mess them up, but they would provide killer traction for climbing those basement steps...

Don't Give a Damn

2010-05-15T20:51:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to watch Sports Center tonight and instead of highlights and analysis of baseball games or the upcoming NBA semi-finals I get some loser talking about how much heart his horse has followed by a preview of this summer's World Cup. Look, soccer fills an important niche, allowing little kids who cannot afford a ball an opportunity to kick a bundle of rags in the street as well as allowing kids who get cut from basketball to earn a varsity letter. I really just wish the US would not even field a team in this and leave the populace in peace. Instead we'll get all kinds of media coverage and an embarrassing early exit. And then we'll hear about how soccer is the sport of the future in the US, just like they told us when Pele came here and he died of old age before anyone cared.

Soccer just makes me yawn.

"I've already seen Castaway and Gilligan's Island..."

2010-05-15T14:55:00.000-07:00

I believe that those were my exact words when the premier of Lost aired oh those many years ago. My sister-in-law was hooked immediately, as were others whom I both knew and respected. I tried watching an episode somewhere in season 2 that seemed to involve a lot of wandering around an island... not exactly hooking me in the process. But really, when Lost first started airing, I was still ridiculously busy coaching several sports at a local high school. Not conducive to catching a television show on a regular basis.

So I missed out on the first season or two of the show, and after that, I couldn't be bothered to try and catch up. At least that is what I thought until last year. The wife and I were talked into giving the show a shot after listening to family and friends rant, rave, and generally act like lunatics about a television show that seemingly only came on for a few months a year. We watched over 100 hours of Lost in about two months, and I'll tell you it was time well spent. So now that the show is coming to a close next Sunday, I thought I'd spend the week posting about my favorite characters, episodes, and explain why I'm not as insane as people like Jeff Jensen.

I am excited to see the end of the show, but I really feel bad for those fans like my sister-in-law. She and her friends have invested so much time and energy into this show that I hope they have enjoyed a ride unlike any of us have ever seen on network television.

Until later...

The One Where Maxim Begins the Death Rattle....

2010-05-15T09:48:00.000-07:00

So Maxim magazine put out their latest sexiest woman in the world issue with singer Katy Perry as their Sexiest Woman Alive... Really? I mean, she's not a freak or anything and compared to past winners like Lindsay Lohan and Brittany Spears she really is a goddess... but this is the sexiest woman in the world? She looks great in this picture because her eyes are closed and you cannot see her horrible eye make up style, but no, I don't think so....

This week will be a busy one for the blog as there will be heavy Lost activity, but I will make time for Homer's Haven Sexiest Woman issue to correct the situation... at least in my mind.

14:58

2010-05-14T22:05:00.000-07:00

Thank god this freak's time is just about up... I mean c'mon, a bedazzled umpire's mask? That's the best you've got? Just go the hell away. I hope she saved her money.... And before anyone starts talking about her musical acumen, just stop. She's not writing a fugue here, she's just a freakshow who has managed to dupe people into her schtick. Being the uglier, less-talented 2010 version of Madonna is not a good thing.

A Good Moon Rising...

2010-05-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

So my wife all of a sudden lost her damn mind and started reading those Twilight books.... I wish I could explain it, but there it is. Anyway, that isn't the point... the point is I've sat through New Moon (the movie) twice in a week. The only thing that makes it even remotely bearable is the fact that Ashley Green is pretty hot. I'm not a big fan of the body painting stuff, but hey, it's my blog and I'll post them if I must to make a point. What's that point? That hot brunettes make everything better.... if they are semi-naked, it is all good.

Don't Taze Me Bro...

2010-05-06T19:48:00.000-07:00

Alright bitches, here we go. On Monday a Philadelphia Phillies fan ran onto the field and eluded the police and security for about thirty seconds before an off-duty police officer working the game whipped out his taser and lit him up. Apparently this is controversial. I must admit that I don't understand why.... Is it illegal to run onto the field at a baseball game? Yes. Have people come out of the stands and attacked players before? Yes. Would it make sense to use non-lethal force to stop an self-centered attention whore before he gets hurt or hurts someone else? Yes. All of this makes perfect sense to utilize a taser.

I'm not sure what those who are upset would prefer, a baton-beating? A player going Rick Monday on someone's ass? Or perhaps another Monica Seles? The best part is this kid supposedly texted/called his dad to see what he thought of the idea before he did it. What a good kid, asking dad if he should break the law...

Let's not get crazy and suggest that these people should be shot, but there is nothing wrong with tazing someone up if they get liquored up and stupid. Either way, when it happens again, I just want to see the video.

Get the Rapist Off of the Top...

2010-04-18T17:32:00.000-07:00

A continuation of the idea that Kim is embracing her rear...

My wife found her outfit ridiculous, and it is, but quite frankly I can't bring myself to say anything negative about it. The greatest part of all? It gets a rapist off of the top of my blog.

Rothlisraper...

2010-04-18T10:55:00.000-07:00

Not a ton of funny in this post, but I had to say something about the recent troubles of Ben Rothlisberger. For those who don't know, Ben is the starting quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers. He has recently been accused of rape, but was not charged due to evidence issues, namely Georgia's rape laws requiring evidence of 'forcible penetration.' So despite bruising and lacerations on the victims genitals, there was not enough to charge Ben. Which is too bad, because the police report is damning. Adding to it, this is not the first time that someone has accused Ben of being a predator and a creep, but this is beginning to show a pattern of behavior.

Why bring this up? Well, where is the outrage in the general public? The NFL outlets are mixed, but I expect that. Society was quick to try and lynch Michael Vick for his actions with the dogs, but Ben rapes women. Without remorse... he should rot in hell, or at least a prison cell somewhere. He'll eventually get to prison, but the sad thing is that he will ruin more lives until that day.

The picture above should have been a mug shot.

Winner?

2010-04-17T13:29:00.000-07:00

Isn't this the whore who was on Bret Michaels' show talking about her money and how her amazing looks were going to keep her rich? Didn't she also spend her time denigrating those girls in the house who were strippers, just trying to make ends meet? She is the same whore who got pulled over for a DUI on her way to a strip club where she was working? We have a leader in the clubhouse for biggest loser to be on television wanting to get nasty with a washed up, balding lead vocalist. I thought Daisy was a lock, but I was wrong. Hey Megan, maybe you should have paid attention in Charm School.

A Beautiful Saturday Morning...

2010-04-17T09:07:00.000-07:00

1. I'm glad that Kim Kardashian has finally come to grips with her ass. To be a role model for the young girls out there don't you know...

2. I started playing fantasy baseball... Not only am I a massive dork who apparently likes to spend his time obsessed with football, I have now found that I can channel my life-long love of baseball into that nerdyness.

3. Tiger Woods is apparently pissed about his wife wanting to move back to Sweden with his kids. Really? So we are supposed to believe that the love of his kids and family are stronger than his love of skanky whores, money, and golf?

4. Recent tweets by Lindsay Lohan's dad where he's all shirtless and sweaty just reaffirm my belief that when she goes off and kills herself with cocaine and cock that he and his ex-wife should be arrested for murder.

5. I did not know that Robocop was supposed to be symbolic of Christ... I did not know that Christ used an elevator to chop somebody's arms off.

6. Finally, I love the book It and wish that I could hire this guy. It would allow me to terrorize my children and laugh. Maybe I should book him a flight for Eli's birthday. What do you say?