Please God....

Make it fucking stop.  Seriously, just make her go away.  I'll go to church more diligently; I'll stop swearing and burning Paris Hilton in effigy.  Whatever it takes.  

Outside of a bunch of homosexual males with mommy issues, who cares about Madonna anymore? And no one, not even her husband wants to see that snatch again.  There was a time, what about 25 years ago now, where she was considered controversial, relevant and kinda sexy (in a dirty $5 whore kinda way).  Ever since she's been chasing publicity like Brittney Spears rooting around her car for stray Cheetos.  

It is bad enough that this haggard skank infects the world with her musical product, we need our vision polluted with the album art as well?  If you look closely, you can see the reinforcement needed to keep her junk under control.  As disgusting as this picture is, just imagine it without the magic of the Photoshop wizards.  Just imagining it makes my genitals angry with me. 

Ugh, I've got to find some sites with Kate Beckinsale pictures or something; purge the optic nerves.

Mmmmm boobalicious! Wait, maybe not.

Now, you're probably wondering why there is no graphic here.  Well, it's because this post is about subtlety and knowing when to say when.  I love guitars and, as my wife will tell you, I love boobs.  You would think that they would go together like chocolate and peanut butter right?  Wrong, dead freaking wrong.  Click here to see what I'm talking about (Warning, link might well be NSFW).  What kind of moron pays 3 grand for that guitar?  Where could you play it?  What a stupid idea.  

I guess what you're saying if you play that guitar is that it's all about the parts.  Forget sensuality or sexuality, it's about tits.  I'd love to track this guitar, to see who eventually buys it (because someone will), just so I can mercilessly mock them for the troglodyte-like moron they obviously are.

This Week's 5

I know, you're thinking to yourself "That bastard, he promised more content and failed to follow through again!"  Well, if you think that, you're wrong.  Dead wrong, so with that said, here's this week's top 5 Homer-interest stories:

1.  I love Dr. Pepper - and not just because they used to use Bugs Bunny in their commercials.  This week Dr. Pepper used Axl W. Rose to get some free publicity, promising a free can of Dr. Pepper to everyone in the United States if Guns and Roses The Chinese Democracy is released this year.  I guess I'll have to keep paying for my soda this year.  Fun fact, Geffen Records has paid over $10 million to Axl Rose for this record.  And record companies blame the internet for their business troubles.

2.  Baseball season/wabbit season - Well I'm not nearly as clever as Chuck Jones, so I'll let that joke pass, but another season of baseball is on the horizon.  I have high hopes for the Diamondbacks, but with this whole Doug Davis cancer thing, it could get dicey.  Doesn't he know it's awful selfish to get cancer during the season?  

3.  Rock of Love - as a follow up to a previous posting, they ramped up the crazy and the final few episodes look good.  Mumbly Jo is gone and they brought Heather back to pump up the insanity.  Looks good, unlike Brett's ferret, which looks like it needs a tick-bath.

4.  Moving sucks - putting all of your shit into boxes is one of the stupidest ideas ever.  'Nuff said.

5.  Justice - I saw this week that the family of the guy that was injured in Hulk Hogan's son's car (a lot of possessives there huh?) is suing the wrestler.  It's a sad story, but can someone please explain why Nick Bollea, or whatever the hell his name is, isn't in jail at the moment?  You want to curtail pseudo-celebrity entitlement, put one of these assholes in jail for a year so they can have their turn in the Saturday Night Glory Hole and you won't see anymore celebrity DUI's, I promise.

We're going to get bloody on this Rog

Homer's Great Movies - Lethal Weapon

Greatness is a subjective concept when you are dealing with art.  What makes a great movie? Good actors? A good director? A good script? All of the above, or none?  There are so many movies out there that achieve greatness in so many different ways that it is problematic to dictate what a great film is, there are only people who like particular films.  Since my opinion is at least as valid as Michael Medved, whose moralistic screeds read like Calvinist rants wasted on the decadent American society of today, I figured I'd discuss a variety of movies that I think are great.  Up first is a groundbreaking action film of the late 80's, Lethal Weapon.

The mid to late 80's were a sort of golden era for action films.  Stallone and Schwartzenegger ruled the box office with their bloated, over-wrought cinematic abortions, heavy on the killing and one liners, short on character, plot, and authenticity.  Despite their popularity, these films were usually not very good.  Released in 1987, Lethal Weapon was different.  It showed a seedy side of L.A. that wasn't quite noir, but rather reflected the dirty underbelly of the L.A. drug culture that still retains some of the glitz of Hollywood.

The film was ostensibly action based, but for long stretches of time nothing happens.  We get actual character development, something rare in the genre.  We see Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson) struggling against the desire to kill himself, we see Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover) struggling to come to grips with his age and the fact that his children are growing up, and we see how these two men reluctantly accept the other into their lives.  The relationship between the two drives the film, elevating it from a 48 Hours imitation to something more.  The relationship between these two men off screen seems to have developed as well, but the two characters work organically towards some middle ground and it is fascinating to watch it happen.  

The cast sets this movie apart.  Yes, Glover and Gibson are fantastic in this film, but the rest of the cast with Gary Busey in his second tolerable role, Darlene Love as the glue of the Murtaugh family, and Mitch Ryan as General McCallister all give solid, effective performances.  Busey in particular should get a lot of credit, he could have gone way over the top as Mr. Joshua, but did not and the film is better for it.  Another interesting note is that this was one of the few films from the late 80's to deal with Vietnam veterans as people rather than symbols of a political agenda.  Most vets in action films were maladjusted losers and loners, that is not the case here, you simply have good guys and bad guys.

The plot is deceptively simple.  A group of ex-Vietnam veteran/mercenaries is importing heroin from Asia.  Riggs and Murtaugh stumble onto this fact in the course of another investigation.  The two detectives are pursuing these mercenaries when the mercenaries strike directly at the officers and Murtaugh's family.  As I said, the plot is simple, but the way in which the connections are made from the beginning of the film to the end are subtle.

This isn't to suggest that this movie is perfect however.  There are three things about this film that drive me crazy, the first of which is the fact that Eric Clapton and David Sanborn need to be killed, well maybe not killed,  but certainly maimed for what they subject the audience to with the music in this film.  The final two things that hurt this movie relate to the final climactic scene between Mr. Joshua and Riggs.  First of all the thought that the LAPD would let a cop killer and general psychopath duke it out with a fellow officer while everyone watches is patently stupid, but to really kill the scene Richard Donner directs the scene with all the skill of a six year old with his parents Super 8 recorder.  

Either way, the bad score and horrific ending are not enough to keep this movie from being one of the greatest action films ever made.  Not the best, but right up there.  It revitalized the action genre as a place where characters count.  Unfortunately, as the series went on, the film-makers lost track of what made the movies so popular and so good.

Reassurance

I'm browsing my own blog and I'm a little disturbed at all of the half-naked women pictured here.  Not that I'm a prude mind you, but I would hate to be pigeon-holed by all of the one or two people who read this.  Just be assured that I have other writing ideas in the pipeline that have no tangible connection to anything sexual, like my burgeoning interest in French art for example.  Anyway, I can't guarantee there won't be weekly pictures of Kate Beckinsale or her ilk, but they won't be the focus of this blog.  

If Your Sushi Smells Like 'Gina - There's Something Wrong with It

Not much could dissuade my infatuation with Kate Beckinsale - just read this blog - but she's way off base with this sushi thing.  She was recently quoted as saying she'd rather eat vagina than sushi.  Now, the thought of Kate in some sort of lesbian tryst is pretty bitchin', but it saddens me to hear her slander sushi this way.  I love sushi.  Maybe not as much as Kate likes pussy, but close.

5 Things...

This week's 5 stories were easy.  Anytime I can work Kate into casual conversation, let alone talking about her underwear, it is a good week.

1. Kate Beckinsale – Apparently Kate went on the Craig Ferguson show and declared she wasn’t wearing underwear. I’m not sure if she meant currently or continually. Either way, I’m not sure there shouldn’t be a law barring her from wearing underwear nearly every day. Maybe Obama can get on that.

2. March Madness – Still not happy about the Sun Devils being shunned, but I am enjoying the tournament this year. No upsets so far, but there is some good basketball being played. And the Sun Devils are playing well in the NIT.  By the way, it is a good thing that UA got in, their strength of schedule really helped them.

3. Lindsay Lohan Sex Tape – Talk about hype. There was a grainy shot of a girl with long hair working a blow-job. Really it wouldn't have shocked anyone if it was Lindsay, but apparently this was fake. If someone is going to go through the trouble of faking a sex tape, wouldn’t you at least find an attractive celebrity to slander? Just a thought.

4. Slash’s Book – I read Slash’s autobiography this week. It was really interesting, if nothing else it really shows what a seedy business the entertainment world is. The drugs, the manipulation, the delusions of grandeur; it is no wonder that Guns and Roses hasn’t put an album out in 10 years. It’s a good read if you have the time.

5. Easter – Look I get the fact that this day has morphed into a secular holiday, and by no stretch am I sitting at home memorizing my bible right now, but we need to back this shit down. I was in Wal-Mart the other day (again, Wal-Mart steals a bit of my soul every time I go in there) and they had a display set up for their upcoming ‘Take your picture with the Easter Bunny’ promotion. You just know that Sam Walton is in hell right now.

Mumbly Joe - The Rock of Love II

The original Rock of Love starring Brett Michaels was a little slice of comedy heaven.  I have never been a fan of the reality dating shows.  They all seemed to take themselves so seriously that it was actually a breath of fresh air when Flava Flave debuted Flava of Love on VH1.  The extreme trashiness and willingness of the "ladies" to degrade themselves made for some compelling, entertaining drama.  Flava was so successful that VH1 thought to themselves, "well, this is fantastic, is there another demographic we can exploit?  What's that? White trash?  Sounds fantastic, all we need is a desperate, old rock guy who's starting to fade.  Sebastian Bach?  Nah, he's already married; Steven Tyler? No, no one is going to line up to date their grandma.  Axl Rose?  He still thinks the latest Guns album is going to come out next month.  Brett Michaels? He's still alive?  Yeah, get him."  And Rock of Love was born. 

The first season of Rock of Love was classic reality television.  There were villains, psychos, whores (literally and figuratively), and one plucky young gal who won Brett's heart.  Jess was easily the least psychotic figure on the show that season (unless you count the ferret that lives on Brett's head; he's kick ass), or so we thought until we found out that their romance didn't last past the taping of the season.  She went back home to hang with her real boyfriend and Brett was lost, still looking for his rock goddess to share his life with, or so he'd like us to think.

Which of course brings us to season two, which is curiously un-compelling.  I am still enjoying the show; it is full of brainless fun and psychotic bimbos (one of which you can rent by the hour and act, look around you can figure out who she is), but there is a serious lack of drama this year for the viewer, even as it seems like the drama in the house is more brutal than ever.  The show should be more watchable than ever, but it's not because it seems like there is no one to root for in this house.  In the beginning of the season, there seemed to be good tension and some whacky characters, but as the season has rolled along, outside of Mumbly Jo's bi-polar disorder, the girls have played it too nice.  Mumbly Jo could have been the villain of the season, but she was too crazy to think her strategy of pissing everyone off effectively.

I hope that the rest of the season fulfills the promise of the early episodes and the roles of the girls become more pronounced.  Otherwise, it seems like Brett and his ferret are going to slip quietly back into the cesspool of 80's rock lead singers from which they oozed and we'll all be subjected to more face time for Hulkamania or Danny Bonaduce.  That's a fate no one wants.

Screwed!

I am pissed about the NCAA selection.  I'll get that out in the open right here at the outset.  I'm not surprised, but I am disappointed about the fact that Arizona State was left out of the dance.  Most people would assume that I'm bitter about the University of Arizona getting in, but I'm really not.  I figure the Wildcats deserve to be there as much as Oregon and many of the other at-large teams, quite frankly because the Pac-10 is the best basketball conference in the nation.  The Sun Devils deserve to be there as well.  The list of reasons is long and boring, but they earned their way into the field of 64 and the selection committee should be ashamed.

Either way, the Sun Devils had a great year and I hope they have a good showing in the NIT is a springboard to a special year in 2008-2009.  For all of those Wildcat fans, get used to the idea that you are no longer the only game in town.  BTW, has UA beaten ASU this school year in anything?  I love it!

Raping Our Childhood

A common complaint today is that Hollywood and the entertainment industry is in the process of raping our childhood.  We have seen a crush of movies and other visual mediums re-making or re-creating movies, television shows, or cartoons that were popular in the 80's; everything from the Transformers movie to a rumored resurrection of The A-Team.  

I guess I am just not that attached to my cherished childhood movies or television anymore.  I don't care.  If Hollywood is so creatively bankrupt that they need to "reimagine" The Breakfast Club, then have at it.  My memories of favorite films are still there, I'm not that old yet.   I find the trend sad and pathetic, but oh well.  To anyone who does get upset about this I guess you'll just have to get over it, or go on a killing rampage that must begin at Michael Bay's house.  I can give you the directions, just ask.

I do have a final suggestion to Hollywood, and I know they're listening.  If you are going to rape my childhood, continue casting Megan Fox, okay?

Pat Tillman - Hall of Fame

I've gone on record before as not being the biggest fan of the concept of a Hall of Fame. Too often these halls merely reflect the biases and opinions of whoever is deciding who gets in. Madonna? Grand Master Flash? Miles Davis? Do any of these people deserve to be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? My point exactly, and as long as jackasses like Bill Conlin are allowed to decide who gets into Cooperstown, then the Baseball Hall of Fame can suck it as well.

Anyhow, the point of this post is that Pat Tillman is currently under consideration for the College Football Hall of Fame. As a Sun Devil, this is good news to me, but I would want to make sure that he is being considered for his this honor based on his performance on the field. Lost in all of the hyperbole surrounding his death was the fact that while he was a solid professional safety, he was a kick-ass college linebacker. He was the Pac-10 Defensive Player of the Year in 1997 and was one of the leaders of the 1996 Rose Bowl team that was seconds away from being national champions. He was fast, hit hard, and unafraid to speak his mind (as evidenced by his interview after the upset of #1 Nebraska in '96).

The tragic results of his Army service and his impact on the national scene are a small sidelight to why Tillman deserves to be in the Hall. He was that good. I just hope that some feeble-minded sportswriter doesn't get it in his head that Pat doesn't deserve this honor, that would be a shame.

Hey Bond-STFU!!!

So I'm minding my own business today, just reading the news on azcentral.com when I come across this horrifying headline:

Daniel Craig wants to record Bond theme

Talk about horrifying. Look, hasn't William Shanter taught us enough about the pain associated with actors trying to sing? Does this scenario ever end well? I applaud Daniel Craig and his efforts to resurrect the Bond franchise from stupid film-makers, but someone needs to remind Daniel that his strength is in looking good and letting bad guys rack him in the nads, leave the singing to the professionals.  Like Britney Spears. Wait, nevermind Mr. Craig, I take it all back.

Weekend Update

I’m totally going to steal this idea from withleather.com. It is a top 5 of the week post, in which the 5 things can really be about anything. So here is this weeks homershaven power rankings:

1. Kate Beckinsale’s new movie – I will probably never see it, as I have only seen three of her movies: Underworld, Van Helsing, and Much Ado About Nothing. Either way, it is supposed to be a pretty decent film, but the best part is Kate will be out there promoting it, which is always a good thing from my perspective.

2. The Suns keep winning – Ever since they traded for Shaq, all we’ve heard is that they were stupid and now have no chance. Well guess what NBA genius? They didn’t really have a shot with Marion either, so who cares.

3. The Sun Devils better dance – after beating Stanford, Arizona (twice), Xavier, and USC this year in addition to being screwed by the refs at the end of the tournament game Thursday, the selection committee for the NCAA had better get this one right.

4. Iron Maiden on a massive tour – Explain to me how this works. A slightly above average stoner/metal band from the early 80’s is somehow still touring and successful in 2008. Kids still walk around in The Trooper shirts, yet most of them weren’t even functioning sperm when that song was released. Shouldn't there be more recent bands who pull this kind of stuff? What's that? New music is mostly shit? Well, I guess that explains how Robert Plant can be offered $200,000,000 to tour with a reformed Zeppelin and turn it down. Maybe he's waiting for a ridiculous offer.

5. I've got gas - Finally, it's an election year, isn't someone going to take a stand and do something to lower gas prices? Jeez, it's going to be $4.00 soon, and people with garden hoses are going to be going on siphoning sprees until we end up in some Mad Max apocalypse. That would suck.

Breathing Life Back into the Haven

So it's been several months since I posted here, but that is coming to an end.  I intend to kick this back into high gear, so hold on to your pants, cause there's all kinds of navel-gazing shit coming right up!  

Expect more later today, or not who the hell knows!  Jenny McCarthy? Nah, but she looks better than I do, so up she goes.

Homer