George Lucas FTL!

I've been watching the Star Wars movies as they've been airing on Spike for the past few weeks.  All I can say is that Natalie Portman is very hot in some of the films and Hayden Christensen absolutely cannot act.  He is to acting as George Lucas is to dialogue.  Ugh.

Are the May Flowers Here Yet?

The last Big 5 of April is here and I know the excitement is thick in the air. Nothing is really jumping out as a lead story, so here we go:

1. Maxim Got One Right – For once anyway. This year’s Maxim Hot 100 is out and Megan Fox is numero uno. Yeah, I know that some people (myself included) believe that she may be dumber than your average Jack Russell terrier, but c’mon, she’s freakishly attractive, ridiculous tattoos and all. At least this proves that the editors of Maxim have eyes, years of putting Lindsay and Britney on top of this list have made me wonder.

2. Saturday Night Live – Was actually amusing last night. The commercial with Tina Fey (Annuel?) was hilarious. I only wish that Christopher Walken could get through one skit without staring holes through the cue cards.

3. The NFL Draft – Was this weekend. I love the NFL, but was unable to pay much attention to it this year, much to my wife’s joy. It’s the NFL equivalent of a Renaissance Festival, complete with dorks playing dress-up, but it’s important to the teams. Oh well, I know the Cardinals will suck regardless of their draft, so I can take solace in their suckitude.

4. Iron Man – Why don’t all of the trailers for this movie include the Black Sabbath song? Who makes these decisions? Just another example of poor marketing.

5. Painting Sucks – That is all.

Always a Hit with the Ladies

 

It's no "Smell Yo XXXX, but this is good British humor.  Or is that humour?

Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na

So once again there were mysterious lights over the Phoenix area last night. Yay, it was another chance for our local media to becrap themselves at the idea that there might be aliens here. Or just maybe the local Air Force base was doing something that they don’t want to talk about.

Which is more likely? Aliens of course. Hopefully they’ve moved past the need for rectal probing, but if they haven’t there is always Rick D’Amico. I hope they have to use a fire-hose on that bastard.

Better Late...blah, blah, blah

Big things are afoot in Homerland, so it’s a couple of days late, but instead of five stories, you get as many as I can handle (which could only be two):

1. Bye Yanks! – In rich Steinbrenner tradition, Hank Steinbrenner went off yesterday, claiming that he is going to dictate the pitching rotation and other personnel moves now. He even is telling the press that Mike Mussina needs to learn to pitch like Jamie Moyer. Wow, I wish it were so easy, I’d like to be born into a millionaire’s family but that didn’t work out so well for me. Fuck off Hank, wait, I’m not a Yankee fan, I take it back: Love ya Hank!! Here’s to another summer of watching the Devil Rays kick the crap out of the Yankees, with the Yankees’ money.

2. Rock of Love II – The inevitable reunion of television’s classiest reality show broke out in a nasty case of Springer-itis. Nasty stuff. Anyway, it was a huge waste of time, unless you wanted to know that Bert and Ambre got it on in the tour bus after a Poison concert. I’d like to know if he was able to get rid of his Rock of Chlamydia first.

3. Suns Win! – Well, not yet they don’t. It did take a heroic effort on the Spurs part to win in double overtime, so here’s to hoping for a better result in the playoffs this year.

4. Interweb Photos – You can never go wrong with some bitchin’ internet geek humor. And in true dweeb fashion, in includes Star Wars. All we need is the Cingular Wizard. “WIZARD!!”

5. Fired Bloggers – Never mind

6. AC/DC/Judas Priest – News is out that these bands are releasing new product. The Judas Priest album will be a concept album based on the life of Nostradamus. There is no confirmation to the rumor that Halford is going to be in drag when they play this live. AC/DC is putting the finishing touches on their 15th version of their album. Should rock. Well, at least it is going to be something that moves their rocking chairs to when they move into their nursing home for the very rich and pampered in 10 years. I still cling to the belief that musicians and artists are good for 10 years and 6 albums before their inevitable decline. This is only staved off by common sense and sobriety.

7. The blessed sounds of silence – That followed news of Rumer Willis’ singing debut. The poor kid is cursed; Bruce’s looks and Demi’s talent. I’d feel bad for her if she didn’t act like a spoiled jackass in public. Anyway, we need to put the kibosh on her fledgling ‘music’ career; I don’t need to hear an album called Bruno’s Daughter.

8. Judd Backlash – I’m tired of hearing about Judd Apatow. Really, I am. I’m tired of the paeans of gushing critics; the shrill cries of misogyny; the invective about a man over-exposed, over-stretched, and over-rated; and the attempts at attaching some great social significance to his work. Either the movies are going to work, suck, or be 90 minutes of meh, outside of that let it go. I disagree with the notion of liking a movie based on who is in it or who made it. Much like music or any other artistic endeavor, it should be assessed on the work’s merit.

The Big 5

The fun never stops in Homer's world.  Here are the big 5 stories of the week.

1.  My Name is Earl - what happens to a redneck loser when the funny dies?  Tune in next week to find out.  By the same token, what the hell was with this week's Office?  It takes how many weeks to come up with that crap?  Sad.

2.  MILF Island - 30 Rock came back with a home run though.  Just more evidence of Alec Baldwin's genius.  And Tina Fey can eat my poo, in a totally cool scat way.

3.  Outdoor baseball - I went to a Diamondback game this week, the roof was open and the D-Backs were kicking the hell out of the Rockies.  Life is good.  I like Chase Field, but being at a game is a million times cooler when the roof is open.

4.    Speaking of  baseball - what the hell is WHIP and OPS?  Do I really need to understand them to enjoy the subtle nuances of today's game?

5.  Finally, what the hell is with all of these ladies and their bangs?  Maria Sharapova does not need to rat out a Utah Claw, which I fear is the next step with the bangs she's got working now.  Although, rumor has it she's swinging for a new team, which is totally cool as a guy.  I know, shallow and cliche, but let's take a moment and hook her up with Kate Beckinsale and a tray of sushi.

Flannery O'Connor FTW!

Flannery O'Connor was a practitioner of the Southern Gothic writing style.  One of the best, at least until she died of lupus (I know House says it's never lupus, but in her case it was).  Anyway she wrote a story called 'Good Country People' that was about a bible salesman named Manley Pointer (subtle huh?) who meets a bitter, ugly girl named Hulga who has only one leg.  Manley takes Hulga up into a hayloft and seduces her.  In the course of this he convinces her to take her wooden leg off. 

When Hulga realizes Manley isn't a 'good country person' (it turns out his bibles are hollowed out and contain whisky and condoms), she wants to put her leg back on, but he grabs it and climbs down the ladder, leaving Hulga up in the hayloft all alone, legless.  Good times huh?

I wonder why no one ever gave Paul McCartney a copy of that story?

The Big 5

Nope, it's not just a sporting goods store anymore!  Better late than never, here's Homer's 5 stories of the week:

1.  Hot for Words - I love the English language, so by extension I love the Hot for Words website.  The lady who runs it used to be a high school teacher in Russia; someone explain why I live in the country that won the Cold War and we don't have teachers who look like that?  Fucking commies...

2.  Classic Rock - The CD player in my car is broken, so I have to listen to the radio now, which sucks.  Anyway, the wife and I were listening to some classic rock station (100.7, KSL -swish swish - X) and Heart's 'Magic Man' was on; wow what a strange tune.  I'm firmly convinced that most 60's and 70's music was specifically designed to get high to.  Maybe it makes the 8 minute keyboard/guitar duel endurable.  Not for the Moody Blues however, they just need to shut the hell up.

3.  Moses is dead - However you want to remember Charlton Heston is up to you, it's personal I know, but the man was an American icon.  Regardless of the fact that he was an abhorrent actor.  My personal favorite was The Naked Jungle, based on a short story called 'Leiningen Versus the Ants.'  That's right, a movie based on a guy having to stave off ant infestation to save his South American plantation.  Where else can you hear dialogue like "Leiningen's woman is brave"?

4.  Nick Lachey - Why exactly do I still hear about him?  What, he was pictured drinking with 19-20 year old women and Matt Leinart?  Nick's 34?  Wow, I thought Madonna was desperate to get her name in the papers, but apparently Nick need it just as bad.  Maybe Jessica Simpson needs to get her junk checked out, it's in the process of ruining every man who's encountered it (really? John Mayer and Perez Hilton???? WTF?).  Must be the syphilis.

5.  The New Kids on the Block - Seriously?  Are they going to change their names to something clever about being the old, pathetic guys down the on the corner now?  I really just cannot fathom the person that's excited about this.  What they need to do is have a big return concert and in the middle of the show, just bomb the hell out of the arena.  For the greater good and all.  What's next?  Or do I really not want to know the answer to that?