The Hero of the Week...

This week is Olivia Wilde. She took one for the team by angering millions of Beiber fans by telling him to put a fucking shirt on. That was akin to a celebrity fatwa on the Beiber's cool factor. You wouldn't think that fulfilling the basic requirements to get into a 7-11 would be a controversial stance, but apparently it was. Thanks Olivia, hopefully you don't get shanked on the red carpet shilling that shitty new movie you're in.

Go Ask Alice...

So I was browsing the interwebz and ran across this picture... I'm not sure if I have any snarky comment or whatever... just that there must be something in the water there in the UK where they keep cranking out these busty models. It is a vital service for which I thank them...

JLH...

Apparently Jennifer Love Hewitt had a rare moment of self-awareness last week when she talked about how she needs to insure her only marketable asset, her chest. My question is really what are they being insured for? Acid attacks? Disfiguring plagues? Unsightly sagging? All I know is that at this point we're only a Lifetime cancellation away from JLH going Halle Berry and leveraging her tits into some sort of bad movie cameo. Which, quite frankly, I can get behind... but then again, I am a pig.

Ewww....

So I read this on the AVClub website today:

Andrew W.K. may occasionally have a bloody face and a sweaty body but, if one of his new corporate partners is to be believed, he absolutely never has a dirty crotch. The king of partying has partnered with Playtex’s new Fresh + Sexy Wipes, which W.K. says are “specially designed to help couples feel confidently clean, before and after they engage in sexual activity!” And who better to promote the hygienic exchange of intimate bodily fluids than Andrew W.K., since Terrence Howard must not have been available?

W.K. is apparently so serious about keeping your genitals clean that he’ll even headline The Fresh + Sexy Black Booth Confessional Party at SXSW where he’ll be doling out free samples and inviting hot, sweaty, drunk patrons into a "confession booth." There they'll get all hot and heavy and dish “stories about those exciting and spontaneous moments where they could have used Fresh + Sexy Wipes,” such as the time they crammed into a tiny booth with Andrew W.K. at a SXSW party.

 I can appreciate that Playtex has found a new market to try and exploit, but damn this is a disgusting way to do it.

Go the Hell Away!

I was reading today that Casey Anthony was in court talking about why she's in bankruptcy. She has about $1000 in assets and owes somewhere around $750,000. That's so sad, in fact that makes me so sad that I might just want to murder a child, except I'm not a narcissistic asshole who murders children when they cramp their style.

Maybe she should just shut the hell up and go away before the Karma figures out she's not rotting in jail and Zeus strikes her down to Hel so she can rot with all of the demons. Yes, I know these are all from separate mythologies, but guess what? Everyone hates that murdering bitch, so everyone wants to play.

Stop. Just Stop.

So I'm a little late on this topic, but I am never one to pass up a good bikini picture so here it is...

I have about had it with people talking about how Kate Upton is fat, or that she is making it okay for 'curvy' models or any of that other bullshit. She is about making it okay for a bikini model to have big boobs and that's about it. She is not curvy, she actually has no hips at all. She isn't so skinny her ribs stick out but I'd guess that she's probably a size above 0 which makes her huge in that business but if you saw her in person you'd probably say "Hey, who's the skinny girl with big tits?" Anyway, so I guess my point is, enough with how she's an inspiration or the devil or whatever. She's a bikini model, she hasn't cured Autism or anything so let's give it a rest.

Island Rhythms....

I've never been big into percussion, but here is an artist I can bet behind...

Dead Pool 2013!

Here is the place where we are going to compile our lists, complete with this year's mascot Lindsay:

Brandt:

1. Honey Boo Boo's Mom

2. Lohan 

3. Justice Ginsberg 

4. Hugo Chavez 

5. Zsa Zsa 

6. Nelson Mandela 

7. Nancy Reagan 

8. Bob Dole 

9. Fats Domino 

10. Billy Graham

Kristin's List:

1. Lindsay Lohan
2. Charlotte Rae
3. Charlie Sheen
4. Prince Phillip
5. Zsa Zsa Gabor
6. Amanda Bynes
7. Nick Stahl
8. George H.W. Bush
9. Hugo Chavez
10. Cory Feldman

Renee's List:

1.Shirley Temple
2. Annette Funicello
3. Sidney Poitier
4. Christopher Lee
5. Michael Stipe
6. Brittney Spears
7. Mariah Carey
8. Kristen Stewart
9. Lady Gaga
10 Lindsay Lohan

Eric's List:

1. Al McCoy
2. Nick Cannon
3. Russell Brand
4. Chad Ochocinco
5. Charo
6. Travis Barker
7. Sandra Day O'Connor
8. Robert Duvall
9. Jack Osborne
10. Betty White


My list:

1. Queen Elizabeth

2. Abe Vigoda (He's gotta die someday, right?)

3. John Goodman

4. Mary Tyler Moore

5. Sharon Osborne

6. Hillary Clinton

7. B.B. King

8. Russell Crowe

9. Mel Gibson

10. Bruce Jenner

And our newest competitor, Pete's list:

1. Zsa Zsa Gabor
2. Nelson Mandela
3. James Garner
4. Muhammad Ali
5. Fidel Castro
6. Robert Duvall
7. George H.W. Bush
8. Sean Connery
9. John Madden
10. Clint Eastwood

We will end this ghoul-fest with a picture of Lindsay when she was actually a functional human being, not the sweaty, puffy, coke-whore that she's become.

Which Kris

US weekly had a headline last week about how Kris Humphries is enraged at Kim over some perceived betrayal since she allowed Kanye West to impregnate her. He's so mad in fact, that he has hatched some plan to humiliate her, which is shocking to me. The only Kris that seems hell-bent on humiliating Kim is her mother/pimp. I know that I'd be enraged that some vacuous fame-whore who I'd been suckered into 'marrying' for the cameras decided to let me off the hook and have someone else father her fame-child. I'd say Kris got off light here.

Let's face it, Kris Humphries should be glad that the Kardashian machine made him a household name, otherwise he's be some journeyman NBA player cashing huge checks for another year or two before going back and working at his parent's gas station.

Endings and Beginnings

I know that those things are usually in a different order. I thought I'd start this post by lamenting the end of one of my favorite things, a book series. I have been reading Robert Jordan's The Wheel of Time series since the first book came out in 1990. This was supposed to be a trilogy that had been percolating in the mind of a writer who had really done not much more than write some Conan books for Tor in the late 80's. It got away from him and turned into a sprawling 13 book series that has seen Robert Jordan die and Brandon Sanderson come in and finish it up. The final book, A Memory of Light, comes out tomorrow, so if I don't post anything for a bit, it is because I'm busy reading.

The beginning that I am excited about is a new season of one of the most under-rated television series going, FX's Justified. I am interested in seeing where Rayland Givens is going to go from the end of the last season, where he learned that his father was trying to kill him. It was a dark ending to a pretty dark season of television. All told, it should be a very entertaining week...

The 2012 Champion

So Heather won the 2012 Dead Pool with 18 points. She correctly identified Dick Clark as the youngest to expire. She wins a Diet Coke, so when you see her make sure you give her the props that she is due.

Happy 2013!

So this is a new year and while I don't make resolutions, I am promising myself that I am going to spend more time writing. I'm going to start by kick-starting my blog. I guess that I'll start by complaining, because that is what I do.

I'm going to bitch about Facebook because I can't stand going on there anymore. I'll be the first to admit that I don't use that site for its intended purpose: I use it to amuse myself with silly quotes and song lyrics. I used to see a lot of daily updates from people that I like, but it seems that anymore my feed is infested with hillbilly ravings and second amendment rantings. It is driving me nuts. So I am now avoiding that site like the plague.

Anyway, it is time to go, but I'll be back soon with the entries for the Death Pool 2013!

Basic Humanity

It is amazing that all it takes to be looked upon like a hero in this celebrity-obsessed world is to not act like an entitled asshole all of the time. Today Christian Bale went (sans media, we only found out about this because people update their Facebook incessantly) to visit the victims of the Colorado shootings and the memorial set up for the victims who lost their lives. Bale is no stranger to acting like a dick, but good for him.

How do they make ends meet????

So apparently being in a rapidly declining sitcom is still very profitable, as today we found out that the cast of Modern Family is unhappy with their compensation. The main cast, with the exception of Ed O'Neill, makes about $65,000 a week during shooting (Ed makes $105,000). I'm no math genius, but that comes out to about $1.43 million for 5-6 months of work. They are holding out for raises to about $200,000 per episode (with O'Neill of course getting proportionally more).

Now, here is where I would normally rail against the machine, where I would deride these fools as money-hungry fame-whores. But the reality is, they should make more than they do. The studio that produces the show is making a killing already and with Modern Family about to go into syndication, they are about to start making the big money. The cast should enjoy some of those benefits.

The kicker is going to come in when the new reality of television starts affecting things like syndication deals. I mean what kind of staying power will this show have? People still like watching Seinfeld, but millions more people were watching Seinfeld than have ever watched Modern Family... Are the millions and millions of dollars really out there?

Either way, for a show that I enjoyed as much as I did two years ago, quite frankly I've stopped watching it. I mean, I'll stop by if I see Sofia Vergara on my television screen, but otherwise complacent characterization and lazy writing have killed any interest I have in seeing where this show goes in the future.

Cuz I'm Batman...

So I saw the new Batman movie the other night. So how was the conclusion to the Nolan’s vision? I have read a number of reviews and critics who are underwhelmed by what The Dark Knight Rises is, but as a general movie-goer (certainly not a comic-book fan by any stretch), I was more than satisfied. It wasn’t the greatest movie ever made, but what is?

I really enjoyed the different performances in the film. I have never been a fan of Anne Hathaway, but she made me a convert in this film. It might have been the leather suit, or it just could have been the personality that she brought to what could have been a very dark film. I liked that fact that Christian Bale was allowed to spend most of his time not growling as Batman, but the film allowed him to actually act a bit as a human being.

So where does Batman go from here? I dunno, I’d like to think that there really isn’t anywhere to go, that the story is complete, but we all know that where there is money to be made, that Hollywood will try and make it. I hope that they try for another lightning strike and find a young filmmaker that will come in with a strong vision and aesthetic to take the source material and go someplace new and interesting. I hope, but I am not hopeful. We all know where this is going (we can go see Spiderman as an example), so we should just enjoy the good Batman while we can.

Bells of Recantation 7/21/12

When I drive around this valley of sun/death/heat I end up listening to a shit-ton of sports radio. My least favorite radio program is the Doug and Wolf show (actually this isn't true: to use one of my favorite/overused phrases, if I could light Colin Cowherd on fire and then kick him down four or five flights of stairs I would), but they have a bit they do when they have to recant on an opinion. They start ringing bells, and they have the 'Bells of Recantation' which of course I am going to steal.

So what am I recanting on? Well, Britta of course. I have been an avid Community watcher/fan since the beginning. It is a great little slice of television absurdity, but that first season, the only sour note was Gillian Jacobs as Britta Perry. Initially conceived as a love interest for Joel McHale's character, she usually just came off shrewish and condescending. So I, like most normal people despised her.

By the end of season one though, the writers had figured out they had a Britta problem and made some changes to her personality. They didn't make her different, but rather they changed how they approached her smugness and superior attitude and made her 'the worst.' In the vernacular of the show, when you have made a GOB-style huge mistake, you've Britta-ed it. Which has allowed Gillian Jacobs to become one of my favorite parts of the show.

Heading into this fourth season of Community with all of the questions surrounding the change of showrunner and writing staff, I just hope that they allow Britta to continue on her path to enlightenment, where she will of course screw it up somehow...

Takin' Care of Business...

I had a logical, well reasoned post about Fred's arrest this morning all ready to post. Then I went to twitter and saw that Chrissy Teigen had boiled the situation down to its essential point:

what the fuck? who DOESN'T masturbate in a porn theater? are there any other options? no one is eating sour patch kids and dibs

Boom, she's pretty and she has great common sense...

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Leader!!!

So it's Batman time again and people are already grousing about whether or not the movie is good, or whether or not Nolan is a good film-maker, or whether or not Batman's voice is a hate-crime against movie-goers. The argument as to Nolan's talents is an interesting one to me. He is accused of being too literal by many critics which is a fascinating thing to me to understand.

The criticism started picking up steam with The Dark Knight and really got going with Inception. He is often accused of not showing his ideas, but rather telling them through dialogue and exposition. Which I kind of agree with, but after watching most of Nolan's work, I would argue that these are more stylistic choices than any inherent flaw of Nolan's movie-making.

From my own perspective, the biggest problem most people have is a disconnect between expectation and execution. People want campy Batman, or some sort of French New Wave auteur, or David Lynch or something. Instead, Nolan gives them an earnest, almost abrasive storytelling style that reflects a clear, analytic, almost cold perspective that Nolan has towards his subjects. It is shocking to me that he has become a director of blockbusters because if you look at his work it is not for the faint of heart or the simple of mind.

Is Christopher Nolan a great film-maker? I don't know enough about film to say yes or now, but he knows how to create films that can challenge, intrigue, and resonate. I'd rather spend my money this way than by lining Michael Bay's pockets.

Slice of Life

So I was heading into work today and made my customary stop at the QT on 52nd and University. I go into the restroom and was hit in the face with the overwhelming smell of human waste. This is noteworthy due to how clean the QT usually keeps their restrooms. I have to wait in a short line to take care of my business, which again was strange, and you can just hear this guy taking a HEROIC shit. I mean just epic. Anyway some time passes, I take care of my stuff and am washing my hands as the door to the toilet flies open and this dude staggers out looking dazed and/or confused. He pauses in front of the mirror and walks out, not bothering to, you know, wash his hands or anything.

He then goes and grabs a 44 ounce cup, fills it with soda and waltzes up to the counter like he's not spreading hepatitis c just by walking through the place. I wanted to throw up.

Anyway, just thought I'd share.

The Gambler

I hate Pete Rose almost as much as I hate any Dodger. In fact, I think that he should only get into the Hall of Fame after they let his many ex-wives kick him in the junk and light him on fire. Although it would have to be a kick-ass fire... I only bring this up because there is supposedly a reality show in the works starring this freak. I'm betting it only gets a couple of episodes before it goes off the air...

But you know the only reason that anyone is going to sit and watch this creative abortion is Pete's girlfriend looks like this:

Although to be fair, she has been so Photoshopped that she could really be a Thai ladyboy named Panit for all we know. Either way though I'm going to pass, so thanks Pete, for nothing.