Color me Crazy...

but Alison Brie is hot. I know it sounds creepy with her playing an 18 year old on Community. She's really 26 so it isn't creepy at all. She might even be hot enough for me to sit through that snoozefest that is Mad Men.

Nah, probably not.

Married to a Monster!

I get that Us magazine needs to sell product. I even understand the unironic use of hyperbole, but this headline on the current issue, exploiting, I mean exposing Jesse James' infidelities is a bit much. Is Jesse James a piece of shit? Of course, but I knew that before this latest round of Celebrity Cheater. Is Jesse James a racist? Look at the artwork associated with his business... no shock here. Is he an adulterous bastard with no taste? Just look at the skanks he has been banging. Just because from a chromosomally female human smiles at you doesn't mean you have to have sex with her Jesse. Anyway, to recap, Jesse James is a racist, adulterous, piece of shit bastard. But a monster? Jeffery Dahmer was a monster. Hitler was a monster. Ted Bundy was a monster, Jesse just can't keep his shit in his pants. Let's not go too crazy...remember, words mean something.

Oscar WTF?

Okay K-Rock, I was looking for pictures of SJP and all I could find was this horrible picture of Molly Ringwald. I know that we are all getting older, but what the hell happened to her face? She was never the best looking girl, but damn... I think that you can find her doppelganger hanging out under a bridge, threatening goats. Careful folks, this image is large, click at your own risk...

Old School Rules...

I was lamenting the pathetic state of my blog a week or so ago to the wife. I was telling her that I just didn't feel like I had much to say at the time, but then she reminded me that the Oscars were that weekend. At first I told her that I didn't care, due to the fact that I cannot spend four hours watching someone masturbate, unless she's really hot, but then I realized that I could make fun of these self-important bastards for their shitty taste in clothes, scripts, and general approach to life. Again, I was saddened due to the relative pathetic-ness that my life has come to, until I saw this photo of Bar Rafaeli at some Oscar party. I'm not going to make fun of Bar, but something about this photo did prompt me to comment.

I know that some of the lady readers of the blog don't find Bar all that attractive, which I guess I can understand since most of them are heterosexual (I'd say all, but who really knows....). Trust me on this ladies, hot Isreali swimsuit models aren't so common that they can be dismissed out of hand. Anyway, the thing I love about this picture is that in an age of orange spray-tanned, interchangeable starlets, someone was willing to be photographed in Hollywood with old school tan-lines. Which for some reason I found awesome. The next thing you know, a mid-to-late 30's actress will be photographed without recent Botox injections, and people everywhere will run screaming at the sight of a plastic, coked-out Nicole Kidman, much to the chagrin of that Dr. 90210 asshole. At least that is what I hope anyway.

Letters, we get letters, we get stacks and stacks of letters...

I didn't want to have to do this, especially because it was suggested by Anamika, but I have had to moderate the comments on the blog due to the ridiculous amount of spam that I was starting to get. I don't quite get it, I understand spamming a site that gets traffic, but my blog? Stupidity. Anyway, I won't be not publishing any comments, just filtering out the ads for pills that make my genitalia grow, because I'm just a pawn of the pharmasuitical industry.

(I was only joking Anamika... kinda)

I Don't Think Anyone Had Merlin Olsen Either...

But the only good ending that can come from this is if Conrad Dobler goes and has his picture taken at Merlin's grave... Who's laughing now Father Murphy?

PS - If you don't know the story, then ask the Vanilla Gorilla...

I Cannot Believe Nobody Picked Cory Haim

This was so obvious in hindsight.... Especially since Cory was apparently getting his freak on with Daisy de la Hoya. I guess I understand his drug issues now, along with his loss of the will to live.

Up-Chuck

Well the new season of Chuck is here and quite frankly, I'm not sure if I'm sold yet. They have to find a way to get past Chuck being such a buffoon. I know he has the Matrix in his head, I mean Intersect, but his inability to access it unless he is in some sort of zone is becoming retarded. About mid-season last year, Chuck had become the least interesting character on the show, which is a horrible sign, but the end of last year had me thinking positively about season 3. Not sure yet, but what I am sure is that Sarah, played by Yvonne Strahovski, is still in fantastic shape. They have returned to the season one premise that Sarah needs to be semi-naked in each episode, which is a great turn of events.

The only problem with Yvonne as a sex symbol is that when they cast her against people like Angie Harmon we see her limitations. But I guess she'll do in a pinch.

I Need Your Help, You Walking Cock Cozy

This is kind of referring to back to a previous posting about television shows I love, but will ultimately be cancelled. These are excerpts from a recent episode of Better Off Ted, in which employees were encouraged to use offensive language in their interactions with each other. The clip is extremely not safe for the little ones or people with no sense of humor. The episode was funny, but it is a lot of fun to see these guys really go for it for these out-takes that had NO hope of being aired.

To Hell with the Devil!

Not just a bitchin' album by Stryper, but is apparently the new lament of the thousands of Haitians who were killed, injured, or displaced by an earthquake this week. At least that's Pat Robertson's take on the natural disaster. Robertson says that the quake is a result of Haitians making a deal with Satan to get free of the French in the 1800's. That is awesome. I guess those Haitians just didn't care about their great-great-great-great grandchildren. Selfish bastards. I want to know what exactly Pat Robertson had to promise him so that anyone would give a flying shit about what he says. The next time that Pat Robertson exhibits a shred of humanity and compassion will be the first. I'll fall on the grenade here folks, I'll offer up my soul to Satan just to ensure that Pat Robertson spends his eternity next to two gay lovers ramming into each other like wildebeests rooting around for that last stalk of grass on the savannah.

I'm pretty sure that's what Kim Kardashian had to do... It's working for her.

Avatar

Here is a VanBlogger-style hit and run:

Apparently there is a new crisis arising out of the Avatar phenomenon. Some people are contemplating suicide due to the fact that they cannot live in that mythical Pandora-world. I have some simple, home-spun advice for those folks. Come closer and pay attention:

Cut vertical and cut deep you twits.

Homer

The Kiss of Death

So today the bride uttered words that no one ever wants to hear, that in many ways I am like my father. That hurt. Although to be honest, I say the equivalent to her often, because she is like her mother. But anyway, I am not here to talk about my feelings... what I am here to talk about is one way that I am similar to my father that just irks and saddens me.

My father likes bad food. He is the opposite of a foodie and as long as there is salt on the table he’s fine. He likes bad restaurants and most telling, when he finds a restaurant that he really likes, he goes there with a passion that is unholy. He insists that the family go there and when they aren’t as impressed with it he blithely ignores it. Ultimately, my father’s unquestioning love for a restaurant is the kiss of death for that establishment. There have been several examples over the years that once my father finds and loves a restaurant, it goes out of business or moves. It is axiomatic. And I am beginning to feel that I share that kiss of death with my father.

I like television. I shouldn’t, it has become obvious to me that television cuts heavily into my productive time, but damn, I love it. Unfortunately, it seems that once I find a show that I really like, it just doesn’t seem to have that wide appeal that allows for a long-lasting show. Arrested Development is the perfect example of this, as it remains the greatest television comedy today, yet the audience never found it. So Arrested Development went away after two and half years. Other shows fit the bill as well, and I am now perversely afraid to buy into a show too much, because I don’t have faith it will last past my finding it. I am hoping that I am wrong, as I love several new shows, Modern Family being my current favorite. I hope for Sophia Vergara’s sake that the show lasts for a while. At least long enough for me to stop feeling like my dad.

Dead Pool 2010

All right, here are the Dead Pool lists. Remember, this isn’t just for fun; this is for a 12 pack of your favorite beverage. I decided not to give K-Rock any points for Brittany Murphy, but she does get the tie-breaker advantage for it. Good luck you ghouls...

The Vanilla Gorilla

1. Terrance Trent D'Arby

2. Gary Coleman

3. Pope Benedict (God's Rottweiler)

4. Justice Ginsberg

5. Muhammad Ali

6. Macho Man Randy Savage

7. Tom Arnold

8. Wilford Brimley

9. Micky Dolenz

10. Queen Elizabeth

K-Rock

1. Tom Sizemore

2. Lindsy Lohan

3. Andy Griffith

4. Amy Winehouse
5. Ethan Zohn

6. Bryant Gumbel

7. George Michael

8. Mickey Rooney

9. Elizabeth Taylor

10. Charlotte Rae

Nay

1. Penny Marshall

2. Michael J. Fox

3. Whitney Houston

4. Kirk Douglas

5. Mickey Rooney

6. Robin Williams

7. BB King

8. Keith Richards

9. Harrison Ford

10. Amy Winehouse

Sheri Beri

1. Lindsay Lohan

2. Elizabeth Taylor

3. Sherrif Joe Arpio

4. Courtney Love

5. Kelli Osborn

6. Perez Hilton

7. Clint Eastwood

8. Charlie Sheen

9. Lauren Hill

10. Tila Tequila

Care Bear

1) Paul McCartney

2) Owen Wilson

3) Al McCoy

4) Stephen King

5) David Cassidy

6) Glen Campbell

7) Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson

8) Li'l Wayne

9) Samantha Ronson

10) Betty White

Homer (Please note: I changed a couple of mine due to them already being taken. Nobody is dead yet so I feel it is fair game. Let me know if you disagree...)

1. Abe Vigoda

2. Hugh Hefner

3. Larry King

4. Scott Weiland

5. Kanye West

6. Rush Limbaugh

7. Brooke Mueller
8. Kristen Stewart

9. Michael J. Fox

10. Urban Meyers

Band of Badasses is more like it...

So the bride got me the blu-ray Band of Brothers discs for Christmas and all I can say is wow. As kick-ass as these are I just keep waiting for Nixon to tell Winters or Sobol that he's just too tired to care.

Boredom...

I'm hella bored. I just wanted to state it for the record. I could clean, write, or do any number of different things. Instead, I'm going to complain. There, I feel better now.

A Few Things...

1. Damnit... I blame my mother for the fact that I end up watching The Sound of Music when it is on television. It is almost as gay as watching Can't Stop the Music, but without the need to search out Marisa Miller pictures to cleanse the eyes.

2. Insurance companies piss me off. I haven't had any problems with mine, but the onslaught of commercials talking about how so-and-so's customers switched and saved are just irritating me. No shit, Progressive's customers who switched to Allstate saved some bank, otherwise why would the switch? Just because the fictional US president is their spokesman? Stupid marketing people...

3. The Indianapolis Colts are quitters. After their tank job today, I am actively rooting against Indianapolis. Screw all those funny Peyton Manning commercials too...

4. I had a long post written about going to see Y&T a few weeks back in Tempe (for those who don't know, Y&T is a Bay Area hard rock band from the 80's). I'll summarize, they have always been, and continue to be, a fantastic live band. I first saw them in 1986 at the Cotati Cabaret and have seen them probably a dozen times since. Seeing them at Club Red didn't make me feel 16 again, but it certainly reminded me what it was like.

5. I'm putting together the Dead Pool entries, so if you want to participate post 'em up before the first and I'll get it set up. I still think K-Rock should get some points for calling Brittany Murphy's demise. Too bad she couldn't wait just a few weeks to kick off.

6. I'm trying to get my report night topic together for Friday. I'm still not sure what it will be about, but it will ROCK the house, I can assure you.



7. Tara Reid is in the new issue of Playboy. I think that this may actually be the second time they've put an animated character on the cover in the past few months. I know that a certain level of air-brushing is the norm, but if this picture is any indicator of what they did to this girl, they might as well just go compete with Pixar. If Pixar had herpes.

Open

Wow, did this blog turn pornographic or what? I just wanted to jot a couple of ideas about Andre Agassi's new book Open down, and get some of the boobs off the top of the page. For those of you living under a rock, Andre Agassi just released an autobiography where he admits to tanking games, taking crystal meth, and hating tennis. It has been sensationalized to send the book market and tennis world into a frenzy. Other players are telling Andre to shut up, that he's disgracing the sport, and that he should forfeit his titles and his money. Is the controversy valid, or is the story of Andre Agassi a valid exercise in storytelling?

I'll get more up about this book soon...

End of the Line

Merry Christmas VG. This is the final post of the Marisa Miller Picture of the Day, so hopefully VG can start having two hands free to type soon.

Homer's Four-some

I'm feeling a might peckish...




1. The Christmas season his here, kinda, and it is time to start putting together Christmas lists. Here are a few things I want for Christmas:

a. No more Tiger news.

b. No more Facebook polls asking if I want to keep the Christ in Christmas. Here’s a brief lesson: Christmas was an adoption of the pagan Saturnalia. That is where the Yule log and other traditions come from. Why do I care if we keep Christ’s birthday in some arbitrary place? If you really have your panties in a wad about the ‘true meaning’ of Christmas, go work in a soup kitchen helping the needy after you go put some pagans to the sword.

c. If fact, how ‘bout we eliminate Facebook polls, updates about someone’s daily message from God, and some random Fortune cookie predictions from my live news feed altogether? I liked Facebook better when it was called personal interaction.

d. More good television. In other words, add Jay Leno and all of those dance competition judges to the unemployment lines. Just take Mario Lopez out in the hall and ‘eliminate’ him.

e. More Kate Beckinsale photos. True story: I was in Barnes and Noble with the bride and the Sexiest Woman in the World issue of Esquire was on display. It took quite a bit of time to find the three pictures of Kate in the magazine. Why would anyone buy that crap? If you are going to produce a PR campaign based on her selection, at least put her in the magazine where it doesn’t take two people twenty minutes to find the pictures. There were plenty of shots of dudes who looked like Ashton Willis pimping underwear and facial moisturizers in the mag. I would have bought the issue, but it seemed like a waste of time (of course this would have required the purchase of the Men’s Health magazine with Jason Bateman on the cover, but I was comfortable with that trade).

f. Intravenous Diet Coke. Eliminate the having to drink this ambrosia, just get it directly into my veins.

g. Some clarification as to whether or not Jon Bon Jovi was joking when he titled his new book When We Were Beautiful. Really? He must have had one too many nights where he wanted to bank Richie Sambora...

h. Shauna Sand Explained, which is not a the title of some film capturing the sexual escapades of a Hollywood starlet that was stolen and released without her consent. It is a web-based apology by Lorenzo Lamas detailing how this vacuous attention whore has managed to terrify America without drawing the ire of the Department of Homeland Security.

2. Tiger’s mother-in-law went to the hostpital. Why was this news all over my sports-talk dial this morning? Have we sunk that low? Apparently we have, because in addition to this news we received the nugget that Tiger likes to ride bareback when with Tool Academy skanks and quasi-porn stars (I’m not disputing that the woman in question has been the main actress in some porn production, but if I don’t know her name, she doesn’t qualify as a ‘star’). Smart move El Tigre.... did he really get into Stanford? Even the frat losers at UA/ASU know better than that.

3. Lindsay Lohan is back in the news for her controversial new photographs. All I can say is wow. This is the same girl who turned down several offers from Playboy (allegedly) for big money to get naked. Then she turns around does nudes for the New Yorker and now shooting straight porn for Muse (whatever the hell that is) for nothing. Either she is all about the art, or she needs to get off of the coke so she can make some decent business decisions. If you are going to whore yourself out, at least get paid, I mean Shauna Sand is making more than her at this point.

4. Oprah finally decided to hang it up. Good. One less pretentious jerk on the airwaves. I say for a finale, she covers Tyra Banks in nutella and whipped cream and eats her. It would be for the greater good. And you just know that once Harpo is out of the public eye, she's gonna blimp up anyway, so why not? (oh yeah, Steadman's gonna die: he's on my list once Oprah is home 24/7/365)

Death!

No, Marisa isn't dead or dying... this is just a reminder about the 2010 Dead Pool.

Once again, here are the rules:

1. Each participant must submit a list of 10 celebrities numbered from 1-10 by the deadline of December 31st, 2009.

Please post your list in this format. It makes for easier sorting and checking.

EXAMPLE LIST:

1. Celebrity #1
2. Celebrity #2
3. Celebrity #3
4. Celebrity #4
5. Celebrity #5
6. Celebrity #6
7. Celebrity #7
8. Celebrity #8
9. Celebrity #9
10. Celebrity #10


SCORING EXPLANATION:

1. Each pick this year is worth 100 points minus their age.
Example: If your pick dies at age 67, you will recieve 33 points. If they die at 33, you will recive 67 points.

2. The game will begin on January 1st, 2010, and end on December 31st, 2010.

3. The celebrity must have achieved their level of fame themselves. It's not enough to be related to a celebrity.

4. Executions don't count. People on death-row are not eligable at all.

5. They must be famous for something OTHER than the fact that they haven't died already. The individual has to have had some level of fame BEFORE they got old and/or sick.

6. Only real humans allowed. No fictional characters, no companies, no fads/concepts, no governments, no animals. How much clearer do I need to be?

Prizes will be ..

A twelve pack of Diet Coke(or whatever it is you drink) and the respect and admiration of your peers.