A Moment of Silence

Channel 3 in Phoenix is letting two long-time morning personalities go today.  Dan Davis and Brad Perry have been on for what seems like forever in the valley, and many people are going to talk about how sad this is.  It is not.  Brad Perry has been insufferable ever since his divorce, but I really won't miss Dan Davis.  Dan's schtick is reading out of town newspapers to viewers.  How is that vital service going to be replaced?  

And since they are making cuts, why the hell is that fossil Patty Kirkpatrick still employed?  This news at Channel 3 is a good step, but when is Channel 10 going to get rid of that bastard Rick D'Amico? 

I'm Just a Gigolo

David Lee Roth - New Music - More Music Videos

After the ugliness that was that last post, I thought I should put something else up to push it down into obscurity. On a completely unrelated note, all that blonde post needed was a Jenna Jameson story about how some quack butchered her busted vag to cap off the blonde mess. Ugh.


Why do people pay for sex? I know that math dorks and comic-book nerds keep prostitutes in business, but for the normal person, what is the appeal of paying for companionship? Susanne Klatten is the richest woman in Germany and is married to some guy. I'm no marriage counselor, but if you are paying someone for sex, there might be issues there, but Susanne decided to spice up her life with this guy here:


So this guy decides that getting money to get freaky with this Frau just isn't cutting it. He needs more, so he blackmails her eventually getting over $9 million. What the hell is wrong with these people? She would have been better served spending $125 on a good vibrator and giving the rest of that money to Bernie Madoff. At least then her screwing would have been historic, instead of pathetic.

And what is with this guy?$9 mil ain't enough? Well now he has six years in prison to think about what a colossal tool he's been, and I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that no one is going to pay him for the use of his ass.

Blonde Humiliation

1. Granny Snatch – AZCentral headline: Pamela Anderson Sexes Up Catwalk. Horrifying. Back in the early 90’s Pamela Anderson was pretty hot. Now, as we approaching the year 2010, Anderson is still showing off her mangled nipples as if there were still anyone on the planet who hasn’t seen them. Where did it all go wrong? The multiple sex tapes? The random marriages to rockers with hygine issues? Maybe it was when she married Rick Salomon to clear a large gambling debt? Either way, she’s now entered Madonna territory; a scary, dirty, nasty person left with the battered remains of her sexuality. What does she have left to keep the attention on her? Other than hepatitis and no gag reflex?

2. Paris Hilton – Apparently Paris was humiliated by her boyfriend at her birthday party. As if her life wasn’t a whirlwind of humiliation all of the time. She was 'singing' one of her songs on stage and her boyfriend took the mike from her and lip-synced along with the tune. Instead of attempting to sing, maybe Paris should stick to what she's good at: popping Valtrex and blowing degenerate gamblers (like Rick Salomon - is moving from Paris to Pam a move up/down/lateral or just dangerous from a medical standpoint?).

3. Tony Romo is not as stupid as we thought - Most people don't think too highly of Tony Romo's acumen. He comes across as a good ol' boy, but limited (if you know what I mean) most of the time, and since he's been dating Jessica Simpson I had always feared that they would get married and their offspring would be some kind of mutant. Either that or a super genius, but c'mon who would really believe that. Anyway, apparently Ms. Simpson is now fearful that Tony will never ask her to marry her. Gee, what was the first clue? The groupie in every city? The dictionary filled with multi-syllabic words? He's a starting quarterback in the NFL, he's not going to permanently attach himself to some backwoods wannabe with an overbearing father/manager, no matter what her rack looks like. He'll move on and poor Jessica will be all alone, getting calls from guys like Rick Salomon wanting to party. Nick Lachey is starting to look better and better, huh?

Pranks

Watch Prank War 7: The Half Million Dollar Shot on CollegeHumor

Do yourself a favor and watch this video. It is fantastic, I've never really pranked anyone, these guys are nuts.  The best anyone ever got me was when my wife convinced me she had gotten fired.  I've still got to get her back for that.

Current Event 5

1. “I’m on FIRE!!!” – This phrase is not just the chorus to a kick-ass classic Van Halen song, but apparently it is the lament of more and more Indian women. I read this week that women in India are 3 times more likely to die from fire than men, primarily because it is fairly common for the men there to get into a fight with their significant others, douse them in gasoline, and set them ablaze. I think this is a reflection on the study that was done a few years ago about why Indian men won’t use condoms, but that was a previous blog post. I think it just goes to show everyone that if you were woman born in the US, you hit the lottery.


2. Cat Bong – I guess that we should be grateful that Michael Phelps didn’t use his cat as a bong like the guy in Nebraska. Apparently his cat was out of control and he so tapped into his inner-Mengle, creating a box where the cat was forced to endure not just confinement, but marijuana smoke. There is a lot of talk about how horrible this was, and I agree, the box looked uncomfortable, but I want to know if it worked? I mean, was the cat calmer, or was he in a frenzy looking for some cookies? Really, don’t drink the bong water dude.


3. Math Dorks Unite! – I cannot believe that I wasn’t aware of this, but today is Square Root Day. Something about the multiplication of month and day equaling the year or some such stuff, either way it is a way for math nerds to take their mind off of paying for sex. (On a totally unrelated note, every time I type in the word ‘root’ the thing that pops into my head is the line from Karate Kid III where Myagi tells Daniel “You have long root like bonsai tree Daniel-san.” Tell me the Karate Kid movies weren’t about just getting some under-aged, gay ass).


4. Fuck L.A. – No, not jut a chant I learned by going to San Francisco Giant games when I was younger, this is for all of those who are annoyed by LA County’s proclamation for a curse-free week. I’m all for expanding your vocabulary, but you know that if people do participate they are going to be using all kinds of substitutes (frick, freak, you get the idea). Maybe this can be part of the stimulus package, no cursing for a week and you get a crisp $100 bill. It would garner more support for this week.


5. Criminal Justice Students – Apparently the Chandra Levy case was broken with an assist from a George Washington University’s criminal justice class. These classes enter into agreements with local law enforcement to review evidence and come up with conclusions that aid law enforcement agencies. As far as anyone could tell, the police were stymied. Then the class came up with a suspect, presented the evidence to the police and was thanked. No word until this past week that the police were about to make an arrest. Why don’t we just hire the students to be consultants? Maybe that could be another way for Sheriff Joe to spend some AZ taxpayer cash.

Ahhggg!!!! My Eyes!!!!

Look, I get the fact that not everyone is classically beautiful. The myth of an ideal beauty is just that, a myth. But just because there is no real standard of beauty doesn't mean that there aren't standards of soul-shrinking ugly. And that brings us to Tilda Swinton, who should only venture out of her house on Halloween. I didn't think that this level of hideous was possible without CGI. I can only think that no matter what the wizards of LucasArts were to try, Tilda would still end up uglier than Bernie Madoff's soul. Assuming you could find it. I'm assuming what she's holding is some talisman that Satan gave her to let him know when to bring up the rest of her family out of the pits of hell.

Just go away Tilda, I'm sure there's a house you should be haunting.

Entertainment 5

It's been a long time since the last collection of random thoughts, so enjoy!

1. Reality Jerry – Apparently Jerry Seinfeld is about to star in a reality show where he is a marriage referee; helping couples work through their differences in a funny fashion, with sage observations. Sounds plausible, I guess, although how he can solve any problems with that hipster-racist living next door is anyone’s guess. Wait, wasn’t this a movie starring another comedian? I’ll just say that if Jerry stars in a drama about Boston fire-fighters, I’m taking Dennis Leary in the 1st round by TKO.

2. Raping My Childhood Part XXIV – There are rumors abounding about a coming remake of the Arnold classic Total Recall. Have we arrived here already? I was sure that the A-Team movie would have showed up first. Whoever directs this needs to learn not to follow this movie up with anything starring Sharon Stone, lest he create his own Showgirls.

3. Short Seasons – The latest season of Psych ended last week. It felt like it had just started and now I’m going to be forced to go without those crazy 80’s movies obsessed psychics until the summer? It sucks to be me, I guess. Since when was the season of a television show two months long? Stupid USA Network.

4. 22? – Now in its 20th season, the Simpsons has been renewed for 2 more seasons. I hope Rupert Murdoch and Matt Groening realize that they are going to hell, Ironic Punishments division. They obviously don’t have any dignity or self-respect left, so I guess the daily sodomiziations aren’t going to bother them too much.

5. Harry Hamelin – I usually don’t have a whole lot of pity on entertainers. They have chosen a brutal profession and when they succeed, they are compensated beyond the dreams of the average person. But I do feel for Harry Hamelin. Why? Just look. No one deserves this. I’ll admit, her body looks great for her age, but that face has enough plastic to hold a gallon of milk in it. At least we know what Harry did with Medusa’s head (that’s right a Clash of the Titans reference). She just needs to stop, but since Hef is determined to put someone half of his age on the cover of Playboy this spring, I guess we’re stuck with this skank.



And finally, just because I love the randomness of this picture:

Same Old Cardinals?

I had a long, boring post written about the Cardinal off-season, but the basic question is, are these the same old Cardinals?  It's starting to look like it, and it ticks me off.  I'll just say this, if Warner is allowed to walk for any reason, we need to surround the Cardinal compound and catapult flaming bags of horse crap into it until the Bidwills and Rod Graves are either fired or walked through the streets of Phoenix to our own little Place de Concord.  I'll bring the champagne.  

That colonel with his wee-beady eyes.

Sugar-tits Gibson is back. You've got to love his sense of humor anyway, unless he's telling you to shut up and get in the box-car.  Then he's not so funny, except maybe to Nay.

The Oscar Love

Well, last night was the annual Hollywood suck-off known as the Academy Awards. I didn’t watch it, and quite frankly, unless someone was going to punch Sean Penn in his fat, smarmy face, then nothing was going to draw me to it anyway. Penn needs to get hit in the junk with a bag of hammers. Skinny-tied bitch.

Internet Warriors

Ah, yes. The Internet is indeed serious business. At least that is the impression you would get if you ever read the comments section of any website. The web is filled with Internet warriors, people who are going to attempt to point out your stupidity and the superiority of their views, regardless of their validity.  Except my blog of course, my commentors (commentators?) are some of the best and brightest that this rock has to offer.

Case in point; I was looking for some commentary regarding the President’s speech at Dobson High School yesterday (total side note, why Dobson? It’s a craphole). The Arizona Republic had three or four writers discussing their views on the President’s plan. All of the views were different, but after each of the articles were comments by readers that were filled in by people whose only qualification is that they can turn on a computer. The hate just flew.  These fools went about spouting their views, and ranting about how the world just doesn't understand, how the stupid masses are so misguided by this leftist media.  It is kind of frightening to see this level of hate, stupidity, and laziness all in one place.  If these people feel so disenfranchised, they should write their own material and come up with their own arguments.  It isn't hard to sign up for a blog, I did it in less than five minutes and I'm functionally retarded.  They could have their say and not end up on page 35 of the comments that no one will ever see.

Dissent is good, I love to argue with people,  but the vast majority of people who comment on national events aren’t doing it in the spirit of discourse, they are doing it to feel superior to others, even if they are just cutting and pasting their views from some urban legend website. Like Fox News.  

I guess there isn't much of a point here other than even among the colossally stupid, you can still dig up a nugget of good information like I did today.  Did you know that Obama's plan brings us closer to socialism? I learned that from a bunch of comments on azcentral.   I also learned that Bar Rafaeli has a killer rack (I figured that one out on my own).

Grim Specter of Death

This is so a headline from a couple of years back, but it seems that Lindsay is going back to the blow. I think she saw that Amy Winehouse is still alive and she is going to race her to the grave. Based on this picture, it could be a photo-finish. The cleavage angle is a good one in my opinion, but Lindsay needs to understand that it works better when we are not distracted by the fact that she hasn't eaten anything other than rock cocaine in two weeks.

And to my lovely sisters who are calling Bar a butta-face, I have to disagree. It must be a guy thing.

Meh?

So this week marked the debut of the 2009 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, a somewhat bizarre American tradition.  Traditionally released at the close of the NFL season, the swimsuit issue has always strode uncomfortably along the line mainstream titillation and out and out soft-core.  Whatever, I'll leave that for the social critics.  All I know is that for as long as I can remember, it was always a big deal to find out what model was going to be on the cover.  

So I thought it was interesting this year as yet another swimsuit issue was in the offing and it was revealed that Bar Rafaeli was this year's cover model.  I made the comment to the wife that Bar was just a little attractive, and her response was 'Really?  I don't see it."  Now this is the woman who has never been shy about identifying women who she feels are pretty, so I found this odd.  Am I crazy to think that this lady is pretty hot? Deluded into thinking her boyfriend isn't gay, but hot?  Or am I just going blind?  Let me know.  Maybe I'm just getting old, it is possible.

A-Fraud

I know that I’m supposed to be filled with glee that a member of the New York Yankees is caught up in any sort of scandal, but the recent news that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids left me more than a little indifferent. He got out in front of the scandal, did a soft-toss interview with Peter Gammons, who should have to turn in his title as journalist after that abomination, and said he’s sorry. Good for Mr. Rodriguez. Unfortunately, he’s only sorry about one thing, that he got caught.

Let me get this out there in the beginning: I don’t care if baseball players took steroids. They all did. If you told me I could make $25 million a year teaching school by taking a brain pill that could be harmful down the road, I’m asking for that pill and taking two. We all would, anyone that says otherwise is lying. The fact that Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, and others took pills or shots that were illegal, but not banned by baseball, is immaterial to me. It is no different than the cocaine scandals or the fact that baseball players have been using speed for a century now.

What I do care about is the fact that now all of the sanctimonious blow-hard “caretakers of the game” are going to spend the next several months talking about why this has ruined baseball and will be the death-knell of the sport. Nothing could be further from the truth, all this will do will be to make sure that those people who worship at the altar of baseball to face the fact that most normal people just don’t care. And then they will complain that these cheaters are desecrating the game. They lose sight of the fact that it is a game. Luckily for them, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue was just released, so their social life just took a huge jump, although we are going to lose some nerd work time due to their extended bathroom breaks.

And since when was Alex Rodriguez an Oompa-Loompa?

A New Definition for Gold-digger?

According to CNN, the estate of The Big Bopper is going to auction off the used coffin that the Bopper had been buried in for the last fifty years.  I can only surmise that the estate wants to take advantage of the fact that the Bopper's fans are either already dead or on the cusp.

This does open the door for a whole new level of celebrity memoribilia though.  Who knows the possiblilities?  Just think, Pamela Anderson could sell her old breast implants, Michael Jackson could sell the jar, or maybe Ted Williams family could sell the frozen head of Ted?  Fantastic.  

I'm personally going to hold out for the urn that Eddie Van Halen put the ashes of his musical career in. 

Master of Disguise

How does Howie do it? Bad wigs and junkies who would have difficulties recognizing their own parents? That is my guess. I don't blame Howie for this atrocity, no self-respecting game show host turns down any offer for more work, no I blame the geniuses at NBC for green lighting this craptacular. These weasels are on a roll, first they forfeit an hour of prime-time for Jay Leno's ego, and now they are going to subject the world to this crap.

I hope they get a raging case of syphilis from the three dollar whores they keep frequenting. Weasels.

It's a New Year!

And apparently we don't have enough sluts with a variety of venereal diseases on our airwaves.  Thankfully we have Bret Michaels here to rectify the situation for us.  Yes, the show that brought us a haven for bored strippers and groupies is back, this time set in a bus.  I thought that after the show had killed someone that Viacom would have taken a good hard look at themselves and realized that they are slowly killing all of us with these horrible shows and saved us from their filth, but sadly this is not the case.  

Oh well, for this new season, the Rock of Love camp needs to really ramp up the crazy, I expect that ferret to eat someone's face off this year, otherwise I'm not going to bother.

Sad

Is this really the best we can do? I know that this movie isn't aspiring to high art or anything, but have we hit the creative wall that hard already? Maybe we should just turn the lights out and call it a night.

Oh, and to answer what I'm sure you are all wondering, yes I will see this movie.  I haven't seen Zombie Strippers yet, but I think it is in my Netflix que.

Gay Porn Name?

I don't really like to lead with that kind of title, but really, I have no choice. Apparently, Jay Mohr, a reasonably funny comedian, is adding his wife's maiden name to his, leaving him something like Jay Mohr Cox. Is he going to start competing with Peter North now? This stuff writes itself.

Actually, Jay should really be spending his time working to keep his wife's head from deflating, I'm sure that's a full time job now.

This past year has been interesting. I’m not sure it was a great year or just a good one, but I can tell you this, 2009 is shaping up to be fantastic. Here are some random thoughts for the end of the year.

1. The Beautiful Metaphor – can do wonders when describing something, but they are actually at their most wonderful when they are used to insult something. Like when Pulitzer Prize winning writer Roger Ebert describes a movie’s characterization thusly: To call the characters cardboard is to insult a useful packing material. This came from a review of the movie The Spirit, which apparently is so bad that even the high levels of eye-candy cannot overcome the amateurish writing, directing, and acting. Maybe this will stem the tide of shitty graphic novel adaptations. Well, probably not, but we can hope.

2. Band of Brothers – The power of art is in its ability to move and inspire. So few motion pictures or television shows actually aspire to the levels of art that when you come across one it should be savored like a fine meal. The miniseries Band of Brothers is something like that. Even though I know what happens in this series, I watched it yesterday (yes, all day, I have no life), the episode titled “Why We Fight” still got me from an emotional sense. The actors beautifully portrayed the horror those soldiers must have felt when they came across those camps. Great stuff, which I will be watching on Blu-Ray in January.

3. Crazy Mexican – Beauty queens. A Miss Shit from Shinola or something or other in Guadalajara was arrested last week for drug and weapon possession or something like that. A fun story, as apparently drug lords in Latin American countries take beauty pagents very seriously. I know that we should here, as the prettier someone is, the more important they are. Which is why I am proclaiming myself Emperor of Arizona.

4. New Ads – I am not waiting for the Super Bowl to identify the greatest commercials of the season. There are two contenders, the Sonic Hearing quasi-bluetooth device that allows people to eavesdrop on conversations and the slim clip thing that is some sort of revolutionary money clip. Wait, you mean that you could put any money clip in a blender? Oh, well then the Sonic hearing thing is the winner, and not to mention bad-ass. The only thing that would be better is one of those parabolic microphones. I’m shocked that the CIA doesn’t issue these little things to all of their new recruits.

5. Sweatpants and Handguns – What is it with East Coast playas packing heat in their sweats? First Plexico goes strip clubbing with sweats and a glock, then this guy goes to the movies packing in his sweats. Really? This is the new thing? I mean I know that we’ve all fantasized about shooting the loud bastard in the movie theater, but who actually does it? If you are going to be carrying a concealed weapon, at least wear some damned pants.