Boob Week - Day 2

1. Jennifer Love Hewitt – This young lady is back in the press with a Maxim cover (does anyone actually read this shit?). She’s pretty and she continues our Boob Week theme, but who really cares? The blogosphere will complain about her weight and the rest of the real world will say, ‘Hmm, looks good’ and life will go on. I do give her limited props for not getting naked just because everyone seems to think that’s all she’s got to offer, but c’mon, no one is waiting around for the sequel to Heartbreakers.

2. Modern Day Pirates – I’ve written about this briefly in the past but this new trend of modern-day piracy is just kicking my ass. These geniuses are taking on the most sophisticated and powerful navy the world has ever seen with a motorboat and machetes. Good for them. As long as they are flying the Jolly Roger, then I’m cool with them; but when the SEALS go all crazy on them, maybe they should stop the threats and just go ride the Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland and avoid the whole death thing.

3. Octomom TM – Word is the Octomom wants to trademark her name. Good for her. That whole ‘get enough plastic surgery to look like Angelina Jolie’ thing didn’t work out for her; the ‘have octuplets and live on endorsements’ didn’t work out for her; now her ‘trademark the name Octomom and live off of royalties’ plan is next. I’ve got news for her: No one cares. Short of jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge, nothing this woman can do should interest anyone living in the United States of America. That would be the best thing for those kids though. Where’s Hulk Hogan at when you need him?

4. Where does he find the time? Apparently Mel Gibson has been linked to six women over the past few years, including noted crazy-woman Brittney Spears. Throw in the fact he has nearly a billion dollars and has only made one movie in that time, I’d have to say that number seems low.

5. Cheer Coach Bunny – Why is it that every female teacher I’ve ever dealt with looks like they were in the original cast of “Grease” or “Little House on the Prarie?” Apparently, previously posing for Playboy is not good for young women who would like to work in the schools. Who woulda thunk it?

I thought you'd be bigger...

No, it isn't every man's most dreaded words to hear in bed, it is everyone's reaction to Dalton in the movie Road House.  Not a great film by any stretch, but with Patrick Swayze on the verge of death, I just thought I'd remember him as the guy who ripped out the throat of another man, the ultimate in movie bad-assery.  

Aren't our movie stars supposed to get old and cranky like Sean Connery?  Sorry, no snark here, just best wishes to Mr. Swayze.

See what he did there was this...

So John Madden retired today, leaving a huge void in the field of telestrator use and the use of interjections as sentences.  I'm not quite sure how I want to remember John, as the easily confused buffoon of an announcer that he has become over the past few years or the kick-ass coach who may still have the best winning percentage of any coach in NFL history.  

Probably the buffoon.  You just know you are going to see John in ACE hardware stores up and down the west coast telling people why their socks are falling down.  It is just a step before he starts soiling himself and wandering down sidewalks looking for the Dutchman's Gold, which we all know is hidden in Jenna Jameson's vagina.  Good luck finding it, sorry John.

Break-time is Over

Back to the hate, today's post is not for the faint of heart...enjoy.





1. Salma Hayek – In the comments of the Sham-Pow post I made reference to the fact that I’d post more about boobs. Well, here is what I consider to be the best boobs in Hollywood not named Ashton. Salma is ridiculously hot and her rack should inspire people in the hills to sing songs about it. You know it’s a killer rack when Prince is writing about it, I mean c’mon Prince isn’t exactly inexperienced in that way, if you know what I mean. Feel free to disagree, you'll just be wrong, that's all.

2. Hulk Hogan = OJ The big news today is that Hulk Hogan understands OJ and his killing his ex-wife. Let that sink in for a moment. Just because some 19 year-old dude is desperate enough for the attention to want to get with that mess that Hulk was married to is no reason to want to ‘OJ’ anyone. Look at Mel Gibson, his wife is going to walk away with around $450 million dollars – cash – and is Mel getting ready to turn his wife into a Pez dispenser? No, he’s out there sleeping with Russian models, a much more effective way to deal with rage and grief issues. I remember back in the day when Hulkimania was all about taking your vitamins and drinking your milk, now it seems that the Hulkster really wants to kill his wife and bang his daughter…I mean sleep with his daughter’s friends. The older I get, the more the world sucks.

3. Have you twatted? Apparently there is some sort of competition between Demi Moore’s husband (whose name escapes me because he’s done nothing worthwhile since the last time he pulled out of Demi) and CNN for twitter subscribers. I can think of no other commentary about our society than this. CNN – they can give you updates about what is going on in the world. Demi’s husband might give you another photo of her ass in a bikini (taken courtesy of his Nikon endorsement I’m sure). Why doesn’t someone photoshop this guy’s head onto the body of the dork railing Ms. Ex-Hulk and solve a couple of problems for all of us?

4. Protests – I was in a meeting today about something or other when someone asked if they were aware about the tea-bagging at the capitol yesterday? Really? Just yesterday? I was under the impression that the government has been tea-bagging us for quite a while now.

5. Quote of the week – “Sit ups made birth easy” This was attributed to Jenna Jameson. Really? It couldn’t have been that the only reason those kids didn’t fall out of that busted up vag was the fact that the two of them bottle-necked up in the canal? Seriously Jenna, the fact that going down on you would be more like spelunking than a sex act might have more to do with the ease of your birth than your rigorous work-out regimen. Just a thought.

Keepin' the Pimp Hand Strong

Sometimes them hookers get uppity and bit your tongue and stuff, and you just gotta knock that bitch out.  At least that is how the Sham-Wow guy rolls.  Camera guy are you catchin' this???

PS - How would this situation be different if it was Billy Mays?  I guess the hooker would be covered with black beard dye...

Back to Normal 5

1. Death and Poetry – In more death news, the son of Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath committed suicide over the weekend. Talk about a depressing family circle. Plath, for those of you who aren’t feminist writers or English majors, was an American poet who wrote some very interesting, troubled poetry back in the mid-60’s. She had attempted suicide several times before finally succeeding after her husband, poet Ted Hughes, left her for another woman. The other woman killed herself a few years later, and now Nicolas Hughes has joined in the family tradition. It’s a sad ending to a sad story. Go read some Sylvia Plath, it is some good stuff.

2. DEA Wants Money – Apparently the DEA wants that money that was flying around a California highway over the weekend. They are studying video accounts of the story for clues to the identities of people who stopped along the road to pick up cash. Gee, this is a great use of DEA manpower and funds. Meanwhile I can walk onto any high school or college in the US and score any kind of drug I want. Smart government.

3. Handcuffs – So a Connecticut woman decided to use handcuff in the least sexy way possible, outside of a bestiality arrest. She just wanted to talk to her estranged husband, so she handcuffed herself to him while he slept and when he tried to get away she bit and assaulted him. I wonder why he’d want to leave a winner like her? I don’t quite understand…

4. Julia Roberts – I think I’ve been pretty clear on my view of Julia Roberts in the past (short recap: she needs to be sent to the glue factory), but today I read about how uncomfortable she was shooting love scenes with Clive Owens in their latest film. Imagine how he must have felt, probably like the actor who played Kelly in Clerks 2, but I digress. The worst part for Roberts was the fact that her son was on set watching, making her uncomfortable. Gee, why would that bother anyone? I just hope Jenna Jameson isn’t taking parenting tips from Julia or her kids are going to be more scarred than they are going to be already.

5. Cindy Crawford thinks she looks “pretty good” according to recent published reports. After looking at the pictures, my only response is “You think?”

Back to Business...

Well, spring  break is over now, it is back to the usual grind.  Bleh.  Anyway, I know that I've used this picture before, but it is well worth using again.  Down to brass tacks -

1.  I read a story this morning about a dude on Texas' death row who only had one eye.  Not newsworthy huh?  Well, he decided one morning to pull out his only eye and eat it.  Nice.  Is the food in Texas prisons that bad?  Or was he just trying to continue his journey of the force unimpeded by his sight?  Moving on...

2.  Detroit Tells Whitey to Get Out - I knew that Detroit was a wasteland of pain and misery, but apparently it is the land of crazy as well.  Read this to get the idea.  I was just wondering if it were possible to give a city away?  It's close to Canada, right?  Is there a downside to this idea?

3.  Apparently Seth Rogen won't return Lindsay Lohan's calls.  Hmmmm.  I guess that proves that some movie stars aren't that desperate.  

4.  I was born too soon - I read today that there is a Rock Paper Scissors championship in Panama City, FL with a $20, 000 scholarship on the line.  Scholarship?  Someone with those skills don't need none of that education!

It's the Economy Stupid!!

Since Rhode Island is leading the way in unemployment, at something like 11%, it only makes sense that a Providence strip club is having a job fair.  I'm sure that resumes will be strictly checked and references called.  I'm going to bet money that anyone showing up for this will be someone who the public will pay to stay clothed.  Just a hunch...

Oh, and how soon after Ms. Berkley shot that scene did she need to go get her shots?

What is Chickenfoot?

Other than a huge FU to Van Halen?  The new band featuring Sammy Hagar, Michael Anthony, Joe Satriani, and Chad Smith looks to be fantastic.  This, I will pay money to see. 

Although I would like to know when Will Farrell joined the Red Hot Chili Peppers?

Poor Bill,

Bill seems a bit distraught at the Temple demise.  Too bad, you old confused bastard...

Go Devils!

A Test

Here is a test of your endurance. If you can make it all of the way through this video, then you are a stronger person than I am. I'm all for celebrating your god (of God, whichever you prefer), but my God will allow me to laugh at you for acting like a dork.

Videos like this make me miss the Vanblogger.

Spring Break - Day 3

So I'm sitting here on a Wednesday, thinking to myself that I need to spend my spring break more effectively, I mean there is only one Kate picture for the week.  I don't even know this blog anymore...

Anyway, here are some random thoughts for the week thus far:

1.  Texas is the home of the free, home of the brave right?  Well, apparently it is the new hotbed of the nanny state.  The state of Texas is considering banning teenagers from using tanning beds.  Do we really need to go there?  I mean, where is the next generation of cheerleaders/strippers going to go get their cancer on?  (Did you see what I did there?  Hotbed, tanning beds?? Damn, I'm good at this interwebz thing)

2.  Talk about moving up - Guy Ritchie has somehow upgraded from that leathery-snappy thing in Madonna to Elle McPherson.  I guess he deserves some reward for falling on that sword for the rest of us for the past decade.  

3.  AIG - I didn't understand why the hell we should keep spending money on AIG, but then it hit me, the government spends trillions that I never see, why the hell should I care?  But seriously, I think instead of making the AIG executives pay their bonuses back, they should publish their names and addresses and let the law of the jungle sort it all out.  I'll grab the shovel...

How Soon?

So how soon is too soon for me to ask when Liam Neeson is going to load up the snakes and get his revenge upon the ski-slope?

Just askin'

(And if you don't get the Next of Kin reference, you should run out to Blockbuster and grab it.  NOW)

Runnin' with the Devils!

So we are about 48 hours away from the Sun Devils and Temple Owls in Miami.  This tournament will mark the end of the James Harden era at ASU, which is too bad, but he's going to be off making his millions so I'm not going to feel too bad for him.  He hasn't come out and said he's out of here, but there is no way he should pass up the NBA draft.  He's won everything he can win at ASU (except the title, but that's a team thing) and he's leaving ASU far better off than he found them.  Here's hoping he gets three or four more college games.  Oh, and there's only a few more days before the mildcats can take a well-deserved vacation.

Quick Question

What happens when you breed a coked out porno-trout and a gorilla?  Apparently twins.  Any fetus that can survive the wasteland that is Jenna's junk must be some sort of mutant superman that the National Guard would need to be called in order to help prevent any permanent earthly damage, but there were two of them?  God help us all.

Quick, Get Me High Profile Media!!

Look, I'm not going to bag on Jessica Simpson's weight here.  I'm just going to go on record as stating that a professional PR team wouldn't send her out in a white corset to reassert her sexy street cred.  

I'm just sayin'.

**High Profile Media handles Van Halen currently and is/was the brainchild of EVH's fiance, who got into the business as a publicist for a mid-level porn distribution company.  He's not even raiding the best the porn world has to offer.  Even HPM could figure this out.

March Madness!!

I know, there have been a lot of exclamation points in the titles lately, I'll try to keep myself under control. Anyway, the NCAA tournament is here and the Sun Devils are back in. Hopefully they can win a few games, as I think their defense is going to make their opponents uncomfortable. Either way, they earned their way in and it should be fun to watch them beat Temple. It will make Bill Cosby cry, but it will be fun. As Eddie Murphy said, "Bill, have a pudding pop and STFU."

I'm trying to limit my use of profanity here, but it is difficult. Go Devils!

It's 5150 Time??

So where exactly does the time go? This album was released in the spring of 1986 and I can't tell you how many of these cassettes I went through, so I guess that means I'll be dead soon. Until then, enjoy a fantastic guitar performance from Eddie Van Halen.

Spring Break!!

So it is spring break and for the next five days I'm going to blitz you all with Kate Beckinsale and Arizona State basketball. Get used to it.

Hammer of Justice Crushes You!!

So justice finally looks like its coming for that low-life scumbag Howard K. Stern.   I hope he enjoys prison rape.  Burn in hell lawyer boy.