Hopeful

I know that I haven't been real active on this blog lately, but life has been crazy....

Just be warned that I am coming up on some free time: it could get ugly.

Damnit!

No one had Ed McMahon? We suck at this....

It's Socialism!!!!! Or at least 1984!

I hate when a government gets above itself and messes with stuff that it has no business messing with...

I know you're thinking I'm talking about Obama, but no, its those bastards in England messing with one of the cardinal rules of English, 'i before e, except after c.' It is bad enough that those lousy Limies (how would you pluralize Limey?) had to go and tax our stamps, now they are jacking with our grammar customs? The queen is rolling over in her grave.

I might have to protest by suspending all postings of Kate Beckinsale, her being British and all. Nah, never mind. I can't stay mad at you Kate.

When Michael Bay and Dreamworks Tried to Kill the Internet

1. The concept of the Transformers came from a line of kid’s toys. The concept of Megan Fox came out of millions of male fantasies. I’m sorry, but is this woman even human? I’m not sure I believe it. I’ve said it before, she may be dumber than a box of rocks (and in every interview she’s ever done she bears this out) but she is amazingly attractive. Hopefully the new Transformer movie isn’t as stupid as it could be.

2. So I’m browsing the net and came across this photo:

Now when I had heard that Phil Spector was accused of killing a woman and saw all of the accompanying photos, I believed it (because after OJ, you know LAPD isn’t going to arrest an entertainment figure without some good evidence), but thought that Spector was just some goofy old music dude who did something stupid. Then you start to read about what a sick bastard he was, and now you see his booking photo and you’re shocked that you haven’t read about him burying people in his cellar and eating their flesh. Dude is seriously whacked. I guess he’ll have to get by in the can without his bitchin’ hair.

3. Lauren Conrad wrote a book. WTF?!?!? I guess I’m just surprised that she even knows how to read, let alone write in her own slam book. Oh well, I guess if Kanye can write a book, I shouldn’t begrudge Ms. Conrad. Shouldn’t she be working off the deal she made with Satan rather than writing fiction? Although in her defense, she has had to work with Spencer and Heidi. Never mind, she has earned whatever she gets…

4. Kobe Bryant gets another crack at being Satan’s cabana boy. Only in America can a casual rapist reach the pinnacle of success in their chosen field. Maybe the Devil has better plans for him, but I can’t understand the love given to Kobe by the NBA and their officials. It sickens me.

5. Finally, in Guitar Hero: Van Halen, you can unlock a younger version of Eddie, Alex, and Dave along with Wolfgang dressed up in daddies 1984 tour get up. He’s still the same 18 year old Twinkie eater though. If I were going to delve into fantasy and play 1984 dress-up, I’d have the game programmers give me David Robinson’s body. I mean why the hell not?

She's Melting!

You know, once upon a time, Melanie Griffin was a recognizable human being.  That was, of course, before her current infatuation with plastic surgery.  So my question is this: what would she have looked like if she had just left herself alone?  I'm going to guess that she would look older, but one hell of a lot better than the mess above.  If this is how she looks all made up for the world, what the hell is Antonio Banderas waking up to?  Just a hot leathery mess...I guess.  I guess that's karma for leaving your wife for your co-star.  Ugh, I'm going to go scrub my eyes now.

Aaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!!! My Ears!

So I am driving around last night and it's kinda late, and I accidentally landed on a station playing Loveline.  How the hell is this collection of freaks that even the circus wouldn't take out on the road for fear of infecting the elephants still on the air?  When Adam Corolla thinks your schtick is played, you know it's time to go jump off of a cliff.  I wanted to lodge a complaint with the FCC, not for the explicit sexual discussion, but that the bounds of entertainment should contain something that is actually entertaining.  Dr. Drew should limit his practice to pathetic celebrities trying for a final payday, not those poor freaks with penis deformities who are looking for people who might be into that.  

Needless to say, it was a disturbing night.  That is all...

FYI

Air France conducted a test last week to see how many inappropriate Lost references they could inspire.  Good to know that it was something over 100,000.

Push Play

What exactly does a DJ do? I only ask this because of our good friend Lindsay and her ‘girlfriend.’ Only in the loosest of terms can one refer to her girlfriend as an actual female, but anyway, apparently this past weekend (or thereabouts) Lindsay went to a party hosted by this particular DJ. Some are speculating that she did this to make Samantha jealous.

Gee, where would someone get that idea? Because Lindsay Lohan is a vacuous whore who will apparently attempt to bed nearly anyone and anything? Regardless, I don’t care if this woman only played Air Supply and Kenny G, I would hire her 100 times out of 100 times before Samantha Ronson.  Maybe a million times out of a million, but there is also the possibility of a pity hire.  I am nothing if not compassionate...

Can someone translate???

I'm not sure I understand...

Tape Delay FTL!

For the record, FTL is now my favorite internetism.  It is just so flexible.  Anyway, I go onto ESPN.com this morning and there is a big headline about how Rafael Nadal could be losing in the French Open today (yes, I enjoy watching tennis, I'm a sports junkie okay?), which is historic because he's won 4 straight French Open titles, never losing in the tournament ever.  Anyway, I switch over to NBC for some live coverage, and lo and behold, they've got nothing.  Nadal loses and two hours later we get tape delay coverage.  

Someone explain this to me, please.  The last Olympics taught us that it is better to broadcast live in an unfavorable time-slot rather than do this tape delay crap.  Anyway, I just had to vent, I blame Nadal's loss on the fact that in the picture above the outfit Nadal is wearing would be something that Dirty Harry would wear compared to his outfit today.  Really, neon pink with yellow?  Please tell me that isn't making a comeback... 

Viva Italia!!!

I'm not sure I'd like him to lead my country, but Silvio Berlusconi is my new favorite world leader.  I mean he's been linked to the Mafia, prostitution, played hide and seek with the German Chancellor, and told a reporter (who was a former showgirl) that he'd like to run away with her.  The man obviously doesn't care, yet he still manages to lead Italy.  Now he's in trouble for cavorting with topless young ladies at his villa and the pictures are about to hit the tabloids.  He may not be a policy wonk, but he does seem to enjoy life, although I'm sure he sleeps with one eye open when he's around his wife...

My only question is what would Bill Clinton have been like if he were in charge of Italy??? The possibilities boggle the mind.

Riding the Subway FTL!

Apparently Kevin Bacon's Blackberry was stolen from him by a mugger over the weekend as he rode the subway in NYC.  How can Bernie Madoff steal his money, Kyra Sedgewick (I don' t know how to spell it and am too lazy to look it up) steal the last few years of his prime, and muggers get his crackberry, and yet we can't get anyone to steal his Just for Men hair color kit? There is no justice in this world...

Too Hot Huh?

So Jessica Biel feels that her looks are holding her back, keeping her from getting those solid, meaty roles that would showcase her skills to the world.  Skills found in her new film that couldn't quite find a theater that would screen it.  It is kinda sad, to be honest, when someone's private delusions and insecurities are exposed for everyone to see.  I'm sure Jessica really believes this, forgetting the fact that while she does have a rocking body, she's not in the same league as the really pretty actresses or the really good actresses.  So I guess her career is destined to be a serviceable C-list actress.  Making more money than 99% of the world's population.  Yeah, tough life.  Hey Jessica:

This man has it right...

So why did I spend all of that time practicing????

Wanted - Dead or Alive!

1.  Well Farrah's not dead yet, but can we give the lady a little dignity please?  Why do they keep referring to her illness as 'anal' cancer?  Is the term rectal too hard, or is that a different disease?  Either way, the branding of her illness is unfortunate and probably painfully embarrassing.  

2. Megan Fox wants to be taken seriously.  Why is that exactly?  Look princess, your job is to look pretty, okay?  You're not a good actress, your interviews consist primarily of your proclaimations of bi-sexuality and the time you dated a Russian stripper and your off-camera persona courts the paparazzi so blatantly that you are only one or two above Lindsay Lohan.  I get it, your sexuality is sooooooo impressive.  Except for the whole 90210 thing, which is quite frankly embarrassing.  So sit there, let Esquire take strangely unsexy videos of you and just wait for the bell letting you know that your 15 minutes are up.

3.  Lost.  What the hell was I thinking for five years????  When the show premiered, all I could think is that it was a mish-mash of Gilligan's Island and Castaway with some post-21st century angst thrown in.  Thankfully my sister-in-law showed me the error of my ways.  What a great show.  Now, how can we get to February 2010, like right now?

4.  Heather Mills is opening a vegan restaurant.  Wow, how original.  Is she going to serve Linda McCartney entrees?  Or just die and leave poor Paul an even bigger emotional cripple?  Oh, right he ditched her already.  I thought I was in a time loop...too much Lost.

5.  Holly Madison is joining a Vegas burlesque show.  I wonder if she is going to walk in and start channeling Darth Vader,  "The circle is now complete."  Oh well, I guess once you've slept with an octogenarian and Criss Angel, going back to the pole is a step up the career ladder.

Grim Death

I alluded to it in the Bea Arthur post, but here is my 2009-2010 Death Pool.  Basic rules say that this runs from today until April 30, 2010.  

Remember, we're not wishing or hoping that these people die, just trying to be prophetic:

1.  Fidel Castro

2.  Kim Jong-il

3.  Steve Jobs

4.  Michael Douglas

5.  Betty White - the Golden Girls seem doomed and she was scary as hell on My Name is Earl earlier this year.

Oh, and Kate Beckinsale is indestructible.  Maybe it is time to rent Click...nah.

In the Name of All That is Holy

Make her stop!!!  Someone really needs to go Borat on Pam Anderson.  Stuff her into a sack and then take away all of her ten year old slutty outfits.  Then burn them of course, but I would worry about the Hep's ability to survive fire.

Everyone is criticizing her for attending the opening of a steakhouse/strip club, seeing how she's a vegetarian.  All I have to say is that I've seen the film and it all makes sense; she's not afraid of stuffing meat in her mouth.

Death Pool 2009

So who had Bea Arthur in this years death pool?  What, we didn't do it this year?  What the hell is wrong with us?

Oh yeah, we participate in death pools.  And you should know better than to think that I'd post a picture of Bea Arthur.

Saturday's Alright for Boobs

Well it's the weekend and it is time to relax, and quite frankly that last post disappointed me from a visual aspect. So here's Jenny, that crazy Playmate witch.

What the hell happened to Amy Pohler? That new show of hers is about as funny as your average snuff film. Not only is the show painfully derivative and tedious, but it just plays flat. The viewer never gets a sense that people are enjoying this process. Stale writing and mediocre acting is not a winning ticket. I find myself wishing Gob would show up and put her in the Aztec Tomb.

What the hell is Aubrey O’Whateverthehellhernameis wearing? Look, your famous because you slept your way into some ‘band,’ you have taken your clothes off for money, and you have no discernable talent. Show up on the red carpet looking nice and no one cares; show up like this and someone needs to throw acid in your eyes as punishment for what we’re forced to endure.


Finally, somewhere a town tried to ban baggy pants. I get the frustration with seeing what I would assume are heterosexual men adopting a gay prison fashion choice, but did anyone really think this was going to pass any kind of legal challenge? Lionel Hutz could have won this case.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Cartography in the 21st Century

1. Paris Hilton described her current boyfriend to the press this weekend as ‘perfect.’ No one really knows what this means except for his obvious ability to repel herpes, syphilis, and the like. Oh, and the ability to be in Paris’ presence for more than 37 seconds and being able to stifle the urge to disembowel her with a broken machete.

2. According to some random scientists, the area of the Four Corners the southwest United States has been surveyed incorrectly. The Four Corners tourist spot is about 2.5 miles off. It has just come to light ever since the area was defined over one hundred years ago. Very nice. Tell me, does it ever worry you that these are the people who we entrust trillions of dollars to, and they cannot even make a respectable map? Magellan had it down 500 years ago, what the hell is the government’s problem? Buster Bluth could get this right. (On a side note, I have been to the four corners and for all that people blather that it is a tourist trap, I thought it was pretty cool, now I feel cheated)

3. Lindsay’s back on men. Are we 100% certain that Sam Ronson was a woman? I need a clarification on this before I can accept this story. I’ll bet that many women in the greater Los Angeles area are breathing easier today. Of course, all males remotely connected with the entertainment industry or the night-club circuit are all terrified and taking at least one cycle of zithromax. I’d suggest some valtrex as well, but hey, what’s life without some risk.

4. Amy Winehouse wants to adopt a baby. Really? To raise or for the baby’s fats and emollients? How is she not dead yet? Somebody better explain this to me, or get the shotgun because we are about to enter Shaun of the Dead territory.