Where's the Magic?

Apparently the photoshop wizards that Maxim usually employs to edit out nipples and unsightly blemishes were on vacation when the editorial staff (that's a joke folks, if you've ever read Maxim, you know that there is no such thing as editing or ideas there) decided to put the least ugly female member of the Jersey Shore in their publication. I prefer that thought to the one that tells me that this is the best they can do for this poor girl. That boob job makes Heidi Montag's look natural in comparison.

Seriously, I could go anywhere in the metropolitan Phoenix area where more than ten people have gathered, throw a rock and hit a prettier girl. This skank needs to keep her special guidoized brand of herpes contained to that festering cesspool known as New Jersey. At some point the CDC needs to intervene...

OG

Ice-T got put upon by the man again today, being arrested for driving on a suspended license and not wearing a seatbelt. Muthafucka is HARD....

Happy Jail Day!

So Lindsay's supposed to go to jail today..... She's like comedy manna from heaven. So anyway, here are some random observations from the past week:

1. Literally? I went and saw the movie Inception over the weekend. I really enjoyed the spectacle and the story that Christopher Nolan had created. It was really good, but there are a significant number of movie critics who really do not like Nolan's style. Which is perfectly alright, but they criticize his movies as being too literal, not metaphoric enough. Which is kind of silly. These are the same people who are using David Lynch as an example of great filmmaking. The man hasn't told a coherent story in decades, but that is what Nolan should aspire too.... idiots. One buffoon actually said they liked the Transformers sequel better than Inception. That's just stupid. Watching that movie was like raping your own eyes.

2. Lil Kim did this to herself? Why? Haven't these losers seen each other? They NEVER look better afterwards.....


3. Paris Hilton has been cited twice in the past month for possession of marijuana in foreign lands. Aren't they supposed to lock her in some sort of prehistoric hell for that stuff? I saw Midnight Express. I'd like to see her use her ass herpes to get out of a Turkish prison.....

4. The cast of the Jersey Shore is getting a raise.... Why exactly? The only raise these losers should get is when they are swinging from the shower curtain rod during their auto-erotic asphyxiation games. And people wonder why the world hates America.

5. I missed the Jennifer Love Hewitt prostitution movie on Lifetime this weekend. I don't know if I can forgive myself, as I'm sure there was some hot seedy motel action. I'll try to forgive myself....

6. Angelina Jolie has a new movie that is coming out this weekend. It looks good for a movie about a woman who is clearly starving and looking for a sandwich....



7. The Old Spice guy just signed a deal to star in a yet to be developed television show. About a guy who runs around without a shirt I'm guessing. I hope he saves his money.... Go Devils!

Morning News.....

Apparently that little leprechaun Spencer Pratt is homeless. That's just too bad. I got nothing else about that little bastard. In more important news (important only because it deals with someone who actually did something with their life) New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner died this morning. No one had him in the pool, which was an oversight I'm sure for many, which means someone lost out on twenty points. In the big picture this wasn't unexpected as he's been reportedly been sick for many years, but it is good to reflect on how George changed the culture of baseball..... wait, it isn't good because he helped put baseball in the position it is currently in, which is a place where only a handful of teams can compete on a regular basis and whenever a team falls out of contention they sell of all of their good players because they cannot afford to keep them. He was a bully, a narcissistic asshole, and a megalomaniac. Gee, why do the good die so young?

On second thought, let's talk about Spencer's future.....

More Mel....

So I'm heading out the door to look for those bums I was talking about due to the fact that even more Mel Gibson crazy is coming out of the wood work.... I just wanted to hit a couple of points.

The first is that Mel Gibson is crazy and full of hate. It shouldn't be shocking, due to the fact that his father is EXACTLY the same way and he has been living as an entitled celebrity for the past thirty years or more. It would be more shocking if he ended up normal and well-adjusted. The calls for apologies and rehab are old news and quite frankly would be little more than window dressing for the fact that Mel Gibson is crazy and full of hate.

The second is the fact that no one in the media is actually quoting Mel from his rants. Wait, they are, they just blank out some of the letters.... it just reminds me of what Louis CK said in this clip, it's timely and funny:



Finally, I really do hope that Mel Gibson does take a step back and recognizes that he's teetering close to the edge. I was really depressed when I found out that OJ Simpson was a murdering son of a bitch, I don't want to have to add Mel to that list as well.

Finally, the World Cup is Over....

So the World Cup ended this weekend. Mercifully. Anyway, the nation of South Africa, which brought us such wonderful things as Krugerrands and Morgan Freeman as president can go ahead and set their vuvuzelas on fire. If you watched any of the Cup you realized what it would be like to live in an active wasp hive. Fun. But that isn't the point of this post.

No, apparently the lady pictured above is a Dutch porn star who promised all of her twitter followers a free hummer should the Netherlands have won the cup. It was an interesting proposal, which sparked several questions:

1. How would she do it? She currently has over 100,000 followers, the logistics of servicing so many people would have been Herculean. No, really.... Heracles supposedly serviced all fifty daughters of Thespius in a single night, impregnating them all. Even Heracles would have been interested in how Ms. Eden was going to fulfill her promise.

2. What kind of desperate loner would have tried to claim their "prize"? Maybe it was going to go down like that sting on the Simpsons where they were giving away free motorboats, but really it was a parking ticket sting... Maybe they were going to sterilize the losers when they showed up for their reward.

3. Why am I not following more interesting people on twitter? I've got a bunch of writers and critics in my twitter feed, which is nice I suppose, but kinda boring.... In the comments, maybe you all could suggest some fun people to follow in the twitter world.

Again, mercifully, the cup is over and Spain won, saving us all from some sordid news story about how 100,000 losers from around the world contracted a virulent strain of porn-herpes....

Bored on a Monday Morning....

So I have been sitting around the house for the past three weeks, trying to find something to do. I have read the interwebz far too much.... I am on Lindsay Lohan overload and if I read another story about Mel Gibson, I just might have to find a two bums and pay them to fight. So I have a few random thoughts I figured I'd share:

1. Lebron James is going to Miami. I don't understand why I'm supposed to care so much, but ESPN devoted a full hour to his decision.... Nothing Lebron is going to say will keep me interested for 60 minutes, unless he has my family held hostage. To think that he needed an hour of airtime for that atrocity, well, let's just say that someone's mommy instilled a little too much "you're special" into their head.... And then Jesse Jackson starts defending Lebron? Amazing....

2. They are going to make an Ozzy Osborne movie? Jesus, please no. Just no. First of all when I say 'they,' I am referring to the dolts who are trying to tell me that the 5th Harry Potter movie, which has sold over $900 million worth of tickets lost money, so I am not talking about people who are sane and normal. But really? who is going to see this shit? Anyone with any sense and interest has seen the Osbornes and realizes that they are all nuts.... Why would I want to pay ten bucks to see his fantasy version of his life on the screen? And he wants to play his mother? Oh man.... they talked about this stuff in my psychology classes....

3. San Francisco is thinking about banning pet sales.... I'm intrigued. I won't even discuss gerbil sales....



4. Bon Jovi is in the clip above. He tweaks his leg in the video, which is a bad song, apparently tells the audience that getting old sucks and goes into the next song, Livin' on a Prayer. After that the show is over and everyone goes home happy, except for Jon Bon Jovi who finds out that he tore his calf muscle. I've never been a big Bon Jovi fan, but damn, the dude's a pro...

5. Finally, some brilliant photographer asked themselves, what would one of Homer's favorite models look like if she were having her pictures taken in the mid-80's? The results are at the top of the post.... That photographer is my new hero....

Keepin' the Pimp Hand Strong....

A new legal post....

1. Urkel decided that Mel Gibson shouldn't have the news all to himself and went out and punched his baby mama in the tit. That's right, he punched her breast (which was an implant, as the story goes.... does this make a difference?) while they were driving in the car. Why does anyone care?

2. Mel Gibson keeps making news... Wetbacks are the latest 'victim' of his racist wrath. Does this come as a shock? I'd be surprised if there was a race he liked at this point. It's apparent that he's going to have to just go away now, which is too bad as Edge of Darkness was a pretty good movie. Watching the public disgrace unfold has been sad.

3. Speaking of sad, Lindsay is going to jail. That isn't really sad, but the fact that she is only going away for 90-ish days is. Her contempt for everything and everyone not named Pablo Escobar is astonishing. Hopefully she doesn't have anal herpes to give her an excuse to get out of jail early like Paris did.

How Will She Make It?

Apparently the figure of $750 million that has been making the rounds is not what the soon to be ex-Mrs. Tiger Woods is going to get in her divorce settlement. She is going to have to make do with only $100 million. Well, I know Tiger liked Perkins, hopefully Elin likes the Grand Slam special at Denny's, because I don't know how she'll make it on that little cash. I know she's gonna love Wal-Mart....

What's New Sugar Tits?

Remember when he was just a drunken anti-dentite? I do.... Let's face it, Mel has gotten away with a whole bunch of stuff over the years, from nailing sorority sisters at Stanford while shooting a movie, to railing against the Jews who run banks and studios. He was able to overcome because he could make money at the box office, but is that still the case? I don't think so. I liked Edge of Darkness, but he's getting to the age where he's going to have to start taking character/supporting parts, and no one goes to the theater just for those. Overall, he's just killing his career prematurely. Too bad....

And yes, I am going to eschew the traditional Russian whore joke here....

I Hate Michael Scott....

Trying to get back into the swing of things....

1. Steve Carell has decided to leave The Office after this upcoming season. I have never liked his character on that show. It always felt like he was trying too hard. In the beginning it was awkward and uncomfortable, but as the show 'progressed' he became unwatchable. At least Dwight was funny.... until a couple of years ago. The show has been decidedly bad for years now, but it is the only show on NBC that gets ratings, so you know the network is going to keep its corpse on display for at least two or three more years. Good for Steve to get out before the network engages in a creative Weekend at Bernie's with his show and character like they have done for Jay Leno.

2. Speaking of unwatchable... Jay Leno's ratings have been lower than Conan's were. HA! The least talented, least funny host in late night is getting what he deserves. Not really, if there were any justice in the world, Jay's garage would explode, his wife would leave him and reveal his fish fetish to the world, and he would be reduced to scouring the newspapers of the world for joke headlines for shut-ins who don't know any better.

3. The Bachelor and his television girlfriend broke up.... does anyone really give a fuck? Now she's trying to guilt Playboy into taking pictures of her naked. Really? I'll tell you what Hef, if you promise to keep her fugly ass out of your magazine, I'll actually subscribe. On a side note, if you go on a television dating show, you automatically lose any ability to call the other person an attention whore. Them's just the rules. Venereal or whatever your name is, take your gay ex-boyfriend and go the hell away.

4. So did Gary Coleman's ex-wife really kill the little bastard?

5. So many people are prefacing the news of Megan Fox's wedding with some sort of mocking 'she's off of the market' crack. Was she ever on the market? I know that Brian Austin Greene is a douche bag, but hey, he locked that shit down early, good for him. You just know that Ian Ziering is out there combing the Greyhound stations like that old Poison video....

6. If I hear another 'expert' or 'insider' report on LeBron James, I might just up and stab someone... Seriously, does anyone really give a shit about where an entitled, spoiled millionaire is going to go and quit during another playoff run?

7. I love Ice-T... but can I paypal him some money to keep his wife's junk off of my internet? At least for a few days? It would totally be worth it.

8. Apparently Al Gore likes the happy ending.... which might be a bit inconvenient for any future political causes he'd like to champion.... but, what the hell, I'm intrigued by his ideas, in fact I might just want his newsletter....

9. Tiger's soon to be ex-wife is going to get upwards of $750 million. Good for her. I know one thing though, I've been into a lot of crappy diners in my life and I've never seen one waitress in any Perkins, Denny's, or iHop that is worth $750 million. That's just me though, I have taste and class....

10. The picture used above was done to commemorate the anniversary of Michael Jackson's death... I'm waiting for the one where Satan is sodomizing his drugged ass while he is burning in a pit of fire. About this one though, who knew dying made you black? Food for thought....