1. Jennifer Love Hewitt – This young lady is back in the press with a Maxim cover (does anyone actually read this shit?). She’s pretty and she continues our Boob Week theme, but who really cares? The blogosphere will complain about her weight and the rest of the real world will say, ‘Hmm, looks good’ and life will go on. I do give her limited props for not getting naked just because everyone seems to think that’s all she’s got to offer, but c’mon, no one is waiting around for the sequel to Heartbreakers.
2. Modern Day Pirates – I’ve written about this briefly in the past but this new trend of modern-day piracy is just kicking my ass. These geniuses are taking on the most sophisticated and powerful navy the world has ever seen with a motorboat and machetes. Good for them. As long as they are flying the Jolly Roger, then I’m cool with them; but when the SEALS go all crazy on them, maybe they should stop the threats and just go ride the Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland and avoid the whole death thing.
3. Octomom TM – Word is the Octomom wants to trademark her name. Good for her. That whole ‘get enough plastic surgery to look like Angelina Jolie’ thing didn’t work out for her; the ‘have octuplets and live on endorsements’ didn’t work out for her; now her ‘trademark the name Octomom and live off of royalties’ plan is next. I’ve got news for her: No one cares. Short of jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge, nothing this woman can do should interest anyone living in the United States of America. That would be the best thing for those kids though. Where’s Hulk Hogan at when you need him?
4. Where does he find the time? Apparently Mel Gibson has been linked to six women over the past few years, including noted crazy-woman Brittney Spears. Throw in the fact he has nearly a billion dollars and has only made one movie in that time, I’d have to say that number seems low.
5. Cheer Coach Bunny – Why is it that every female teacher I’ve ever dealt with looks like they were in the original cast of “Grease” or “Little House on the Prarie?” Apparently, previously posing for Playboy is not good for young women who would like to work in the schools. Who woulda thunk it?
No, it isn't every man's most dreaded words to hear in bed, it is everyone's reaction to Dalton in the movie Road House. Not a great film by any stretch, but with Patrick Swayze on the verge of death, I just thought I'd remember him as the guy who ripped out the throat of another man, the ultimate in movie bad-assery.
Aren't our movie stars supposed to get old and cranky like Sean Connery? Sorry, no snark here, just best wishes to Mr. Swayze.
So John Madden retired today, leaving a huge void in the field of telestrator use and the use of interjections as sentences. I'm not quite sure how I want to remember John, as the easily confused buffoon of an announcer that he has become over the past few years or the kick-ass coach who may still have the best winning percentage of any coach in NFL history.
Probably the buffoon. You just know you are going to see John in ACE hardware stores up and down the west coast telling people why their socks are falling down. It is just a step before he starts soiling himself and wandering down sidewalks looking for the Dutchman's Gold, which we all know is hidden in Jenna Jameson's vagina. Good luck finding it, sorry John.
Back to the hate, today's post is not for the faint of heart...enjoy.
1. Salma Hayek – In the comments of the Sham-Pow post I made reference to the fact that I’d post more about boobs. Well, here is what I consider to be the best boobs in Hollywood not named Ashton. Salma is ridiculously hot and her rack should inspire people in the hills to sing songs about it. You know it’s a killer rack when Prince is writing about it, I mean c’mon Prince isn’t exactly inexperienced in that way, if you know what I mean. Feel free to disagree, you'll just be wrong, that's all.
2. Hulk Hogan = OJ The big news today is that Hulk Hogan understands OJ and his killing his ex-wife. Let that sink in for a moment. Just because some 19 year-old dude is desperate enough for the attention to want to get with that mess that Hulk was married to is no reason to want to ‘OJ’ anyone. Look at Mel Gibson, his wife is going to walk away with around $450 million dollars – cash – and is Mel getting ready to turn his wife into a Pez dispenser? No, he’s out there sleeping with Russian models, a much more effective way to deal with rage and grief issues. I remember back in the day when Hulkimania was all about taking your vitamins and drinking your milk, now it seems that the Hulkster really wants to kill his wife and bang his daughter…I mean sleep with his daughter’s friends. The older I get, the more the world sucks.
3. Have you twatted? Apparently there is some sort of competition between Demi Moore’s husband (whose name escapes me because he’s done nothing worthwhile since the last time he pulled out of Demi) and CNN for twitter subscribers. I can think of no other commentary about our society than this. CNN – they can give you updates about what is going on in the world. Demi’s husband might give you another photo of her ass in a bikini (taken courtesy of his Nikon endorsement I’m sure). Why doesn’t someone photoshop this guy’s head onto the body of the dork railing Ms. Ex-Hulk and solve a couple of problems for all of us?
4. Protests – I was in a meeting today about something or other when someone asked if they were aware about the tea-bagging at the capitol yesterday? Really? Just yesterday? I was under the impression that the government has been tea-bagging us for quite a while now.
5. Quote of the week – “Sit ups made birth easy” This was attributed to Jenna Jameson. Really? It couldn’t have been that the only reason those kids didn’t fall out of that busted up vag was the fact that the two of them bottle-necked up in the canal? Seriously Jenna, the fact that going down on you would be more like spelunking than a sex act might have more to do with the ease of your birth than your rigorous work-out regimen. Just a thought.
Sometimes them hookers get uppity and bit your tongue and stuff, and you just gotta knock that bitch out. At least that is how the Sham-Wow guy rolls. Camera guy are you catchin' this???
PS - How would this situation be different if it was Billy Mays? I guess the hooker would be covered with black beard dye...
1. Death and Poetry – In more death news, the son of Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath committed suicide over the weekend. Talk about a depressing family circle. Plath, for those of you who aren’t feminist writers or English majors, was an American poet who wrote some very interesting, troubled poetry back in the mid-60’s. She had attempted suicide several times before finally succeeding after her husband, poet Ted Hughes, left her for another woman. The other woman killed herself a few years later, and now Nicolas Hughes has joined in the family tradition. It’s a sad ending to a sad story. Go read some Sylvia Plath, it is some good stuff.
2. DEA Wants Money – Apparently the DEA wants that money that was flying around a California highway over the weekend. They are studying video accounts of the story for clues to the identities of people who stopped along the road to pick up cash. Gee, this is a great use of DEA manpower and funds. Meanwhile I can walk onto any high school or college in the US and score any kind of drug I want. Smart government.
3. Handcuffs – So a Connecticut woman decided to use handcuff in the least sexy way possible, outside of a bestiality arrest. She just wanted to talk to her estranged husband, so she handcuffed herself to him while he slept and when he tried to get away she bit and assaulted him. I wonder why he’d want to leave a winner like her? I don’t quite understand…
4. Julia Roberts – I think I’ve been pretty clear on my view of Julia Roberts in the past (short recap: she needs to be sent to the glue factory), but today I read about how uncomfortable she was shooting love scenes with Clive Owens in their latest film. Imagine how he must have felt, probably like the actor who played Kelly in Clerks 2, but I digress. The worst part for Roberts was the fact that her son was on set watching, making her uncomfortable. Gee, why would that bother anyone? I just hope Jenna Jameson isn’t taking parenting tips from Julia or her kids are going to be more scarred than they are going to be already.
5. Cindy Crawford thinks she looks “pretty good” according to recent published reports. After looking at the pictures, my only response is “You think?”
Well, spring break is over now, it is back to the usual grind. Bleh. Anyway, I know that I've used this picture before, but it is well worth using again. Down to brass tacks -
1. I read a story this morning about a dude on Texas' death row who only had one eye. Not newsworthy huh? Well, he decided one morning to pull out his only eye and eat it. Nice. Is the food in Texas prisons that bad? Or was he just trying to continue his journey of the force unimpeded by his sight? Moving on...
2. Detroit Tells Whitey to Get Out - I knew that Detroit was a wasteland of pain and misery, but apparently it is the land of crazy as well. Read this to get the idea. I was just wondering if it were possible to give a city away? It's close to Canada, right? Is there a downside to this idea?
3. Apparently Seth Rogen won't return Lindsay Lohan's calls. Hmmmm. I guess that proves that some movie stars aren't that desperate.
4. I was born too soon - I read today that there is a Rock Paper Scissors championship in Panama City, FL with a $20, 000 scholarship on the line. Scholarship? Someone with those skills don't need none of that education!
Since Rhode Island is leading the way in unemployment, at something like 11%, it only makes sense that a Providence strip club is having a job fair. I'm sure that resumes will be strictly checked and references called. I'm going to bet money that anyone showing up for this will be someone who the public will pay to stay clothed. Just a hunch...
Oh, and how soon after Ms. Berkley shot that scene did she need to go get her shots?
Other than a huge FU to Van Halen? The new band featuring Sammy Hagar, Michael Anthony, Joe Satriani, and Chad Smith looks to be fantastic. This, I will pay money to see.
Although I would like to know when Will Farrell joined the Red Hot Chili Peppers?
Here is a test of your endurance. If you can make it all of the way through this video, then you are a stronger person than I am. I'm all for celebrating your god (of God, whichever you prefer), but my God will allow me to laugh at you for acting like a dork.
So I'm sitting here on a Wednesday, thinking to myself that I need to spend my spring break more effectively, I mean there is only one Kate picture for the week. I don't even know this blog anymore...
Anyway, here are some random thoughts for the week thus far:
1. Texas is the home of the free, home of the brave right? Well, apparently it is the new hotbed of the nanny state. The state of Texas is considering banning teenagers from using tanning beds. Do we really need to go there? I mean, where is the next generation of cheerleaders/strippers going to go get their cancer on? (Did you see what I did there? Hotbed, tanning beds?? Damn, I'm good at this interwebz thing)
2. Talk about moving up - Guy Ritchie has somehow upgraded from that leathery-snappy thing in Madonna to Elle McPherson. I guess he deserves some reward for falling on that sword for the rest of us for the past decade.
3. AIG - I didn't understand why the hell we should keep spending money on AIG, but then it hit me, the government spends trillions that I never see, why the hell should I care? But seriously, I think instead of making the AIG executives pay their bonuses back, they should publish their names and addresses and let the law of the jungle sort it all out. I'll grab the shovel...
So we are about 48 hours away from the Sun Devils and Temple Owls in Miami. This tournament will mark the end of the James Harden era at ASU, which is too bad, but he's going to be off making his millions so I'm not going to feel too bad for him. He hasn't come out and said he's out of here, but there is no way he should pass up the NBA draft. He's won everything he can win at ASU (except the title, but that's a team thing) and he's leaving ASU far better off than he found them. Here's hoping he gets three or four more college games. Oh, and there's only a few more days before the mildcats can take a well-deserved vacation.
What happens when you breed a coked out porno-trout and a gorilla? Apparently twins. Any fetus that can survive the wasteland that is Jenna's junk must be some sort of mutant superman that the National Guard would need to be called in order to help prevent any permanent earthly damage, but there were two of them? God help us all.
Look, I'm not going to bag on Jessica Simpson's weight here. I'm just going to go on record as stating that a professional PR team wouldn't send her out in a white corset to reassert her sexy street cred.
I'm just sayin'.
**High Profile Media handles Van Halen currently and is/was the brainchild of EVH's fiance, who got into the business as a publicist for a mid-level porn distribution company. He's not even raiding the best the porn world has to offer. Even HPM could figure this out.
I know, there have been a lot of exclamation points in the titles lately, I'll try to keep myself under control. Anyway, the NCAA tournament is here and the Sun Devils are back in. Hopefully they can win a few games, as I think their defense is going to make their opponents uncomfortable. Either way, they earned their way in and it should be fun to watch them beat Temple. It will make Bill Cosby cry, but it will be fun. As Eddie Murphy said, "Bill, have a pudding pop and STFU."
I'm trying to limit my use of profanity here, but it is difficult. Go Devils!
So where exactly does the time go? This album was released in the spring of 1986 and I can't tell you how many of these cassettes I went through, so I guess that means I'll be dead soon. Until then, enjoy a fantastic guitar performance from Eddie Van Halen.
Channel 3 in Phoenix is letting two long-time morning personalities go today. Dan Davis and Brad Perry have been on for what seems like forever in the valley, and many people are going to talk about how sad this is. It is not. Brad Perry has been insufferable ever since his divorce, but I really won't miss Dan Davis. Dan's schtick is reading out of town newspapers to viewers. How is that vital service going to be replaced?
And since they are making cuts, why the hell is that fossil Patty Kirkpatrick still employed? This news at Channel 3 is a good step, but when is Channel 10 going to get rid of that bastard Rick D'Amico?
After the ugliness that was that last post, I thought I should put something else up to push it down into obscurity. On a completely unrelated note, all that blonde post needed was a Jenna Jameson story about how some quack butchered her busted vag to cap off the blonde mess. Ugh.
Why do people pay for sex? I know that math dorks and comic-book nerds keep prostitutes in business, but for the normal person, what is the appeal of paying for companionship? Susanne Klatten is the richest woman in Germany and is married to some guy. I'm no marriage counselor, but if you are paying someone for sex, there might be issues there, but Susanne decided to spice up her life with this guy here:
So this guy decides that getting money to get freaky with this Frau just isn't cutting it. He needs more, so he blackmails her eventually getting over $9 million. What the hell is wrong with these people? She would have been better served spending $125 on a good vibrator and giving the rest of that money to Bernie Madoff. At least then her screwing would have been historic, instead of pathetic.
And what is with this guy?$9 mil ain't enough? Well now he has six years in prison to think about what a colossal tool he's been, and I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that no one is going to pay him for the use of his ass.
1. Granny Snatch – AZCentral headline: Pamela Anderson Sexes Up Catwalk. Horrifying. Back in the early 90’s Pamela Anderson was pretty hot. Now, as we approaching the year 2010, Anderson is still showing off her mangled nipples as if there were still anyone on the planet who hasn’t seen them. Where did it all go wrong? The multiple sex tapes? The random marriages to rockers with hygine issues? Maybe it was when she married Rick Salomon to clear a large gambling debt? Either way, she’s now entered Madonna territory; a scary, dirty, nasty person left with the battered remains of her sexuality. What does she have left to keep the attention on her? Other than hepatitis and no gag reflex?
2. Paris Hilton – Apparently Paris was humiliated by her boyfriend at her birthday party. As if her life wasn’t a whirlwind of humiliation all of the time. She was 'singing' one of her songs on stage and her boyfriend took the mike from her and lip-synced along with the tune. Instead of attempting to sing, maybe Paris should stick to what she's good at: popping Valtrex and blowing degenerate gamblers (like Rick Salomon - is moving from Paris to Pam a move up/down/lateral or just dangerous from a medical standpoint?).
3. Tony Romo is not as stupid as we thought - Most people don't think too highly of Tony Romo's acumen. He comes across as a good ol' boy, but limited (if you know what I mean) most of the time, and since he's been dating Jessica Simpson I had always feared that they would get married and their offspring would be some kind of mutant. Either that or a super genius, but c'mon who would really believe that. Anyway, apparently Ms. Simpson is now fearful that Tony will never ask her to marry her. Gee, what was the first clue? The groupie in every city? The dictionary filled with multi-syllabic words? He's a starting quarterback in the NFL, he's not going to permanently attach himself to some backwoods wannabe with an overbearing father/manager, no matter what her rack looks like. He'll move on and poor Jessica will be all alone, getting calls from guys like Rick Salomon wanting to party. Nick Lachey is starting to look better and better, huh?
Do yourself a favor and watch this video. It is fantastic, I've never really pranked anyone, these guys are nuts. The best anyone ever got me was when my wife convinced me she had gotten fired. I've still got to get her back for that.
1. “I’m on FIRE!!!” – This phrase is not just the chorus to a kick-ass classic Van Halen song, but apparently it is the lament of more and more Indian women. I read this week that women in India are 3 times more likely to die from fire than men, primarily because it is fairly common for the men there to get into a fight with their significant others, douse them in gasoline, and set them ablaze. I think this is a reflection on the study that was done a few years ago about why Indian men won’t use condoms, but that was a previous blog post. I think it just goes to show everyone that if you were woman born in the US, you hit the lottery.
2. Cat Bong – I guess that we should be grateful that Michael Phelps didn’t use his cat as a bong like the guy in Nebraska. Apparently his cat was out of control and he so tapped into his inner-Mengle, creating a box where the cat was forced to endure not just confinement, but marijuana smoke. There is a lot of talk about how horrible this was, and I agree, the box looked uncomfortable, but I want to know if it worked? I mean, was the cat calmer, or was he in a frenzy looking for some cookies? Really, don’t drink the bong water dude.
3. Math Dorks Unite! – I cannot believe that I wasn’t aware of this, but today is Square Root Day. Something about the multiplication of month and day equaling the year or some such stuff, either way it is a way for math nerds to take their mind off of paying for sex. (On a totally unrelated note, every time I type in the word ‘root’ the thing that pops into my head is the line from Karate Kid III where Myagi tells Daniel “You have long root like bonsai tree Daniel-san.” Tell me the Karate Kid movies weren’t about just getting some under-aged, gay ass).
4. Fuck L.A. – No, not jut a chant I learned by going to San Francisco Giant games when I was younger, this is for all of those who are annoyed by LA County’s proclamation for a curse-free week. I’m all for expanding your vocabulary, but you know that if people do participate they are going to be using all kinds of substitutes (frick, freak, you get the idea). Maybe this can be part of the stimulus package, no cursing for a week and you get a crisp $100 bill. It would garner more support for this week.
5. Criminal Justice Students – Apparently the Chandra Levy case was broken with an assist from a George Washington University’s criminal justice class. These classes enter into agreements with local law enforcement to review evidence and come up with conclusions that aid law enforcement agencies. As far as anyone could tell, the police were stymied. Then the class came up with a suspect, presented the evidence to the police and was thanked. No word until this past week that the police were about to make an arrest. Why don’t we just hire the students to be consultants? Maybe that could be another way for Sheriff Joe to spend some AZ taxpayer cash.
Look, I get the fact that not everyone is classically beautiful. The myth of an ideal beauty is just that, a myth. But just because there is no real standard of beauty doesn't mean that there aren't standards of soul-shrinking ugly. And that brings us to Tilda Swinton, who should only venture out of her house on Halloween. I didn't think that this level of hideous was possible without CGI. I can only think that no matter what the wizards of LucasArts were to try, Tilda would still end up uglier than Bernie Madoff's soul. Assuming you could find it. I'm assuming what she's holding is some talisman that Satan gave her to let him know when to bring up the rest of her family out of the pits of hell.
Just go away Tilda, I'm sure there's a house you should be haunting.
It's been a long time since the last collection of random thoughts, so enjoy!
1. Reality Jerry – Apparently Jerry Seinfeld is about to star in a reality show where he is a marriage referee; helping couples work through their differences in a funny fashion, with sage observations. Sounds plausible, I guess, although how he can solve any problems with that hipster-racist living next door is anyone’s guess. Wait, wasn’t this a movie starring another comedian? I’ll just say that if Jerry stars in a drama about Boston fire-fighters, I’m taking Dennis Leary in the 1st round by TKO.
2. Raping My Childhood Part XXIV – There are rumors abounding about a coming remake of the Arnold classic Total Recall. Have we arrived here already? I was sure that the A-Team movie would have showed up first. Whoever directs this needs to learn not to follow this movie up with anything starring Sharon Stone, lest he create his own Showgirls.
3. Short Seasons – The latest season of Psych ended last week. It felt like it had just started and now I’m going to be forced to go without those crazy 80’s movies obsessed psychics until the summer? It sucks to be me, I guess. Since when was the season of a television show two months long? Stupid USA Network.
4. 22? – Now in its 20th season, the Simpsons has been renewed for 2 more seasons. I hope Rupert Murdoch and Matt Groening realize that they are going to hell, Ironic Punishments division. They obviously don’t have any dignity or self-respect left, so I guess the daily sodomiziations aren’t going to bother them too much.
5. Harry Hamelin – I usually don’t have a whole lot of pity on entertainers. They have chosen a brutal profession and when they succeed, they are compensated beyond the dreams of the average person. But I do feel for Harry Hamelin. Why? Just look. No one deserves this. I’ll admit, her body looks great for her age, but that face has enough plastic to hold a gallon of milk in it. At least we know what Harry did with Medusa’s head (that’s right a Clash of the Titans reference). She just needs to stop, but since Hef is determined to put someone half of his age on the cover of Playboy this spring, I guess we’re stuck with this skank.
And finally, just because I love the randomness of this picture:
I had a long, boring post written about the Cardinal off-season, but the basic question is, are these the same old Cardinals? It's starting to look like it, and it ticks me off. I'll just say this, if Warner is allowed to walk for any reason, we need to surround the Cardinal compound and catapult flaming bags of horse crap into it until the Bidwills and Rod Graves are either fired or walked through the streets of Phoenix to our own little Place de Concord. I'll bring the champagne.
Sugar-tits Gibson is back. You've got to love his sense of humor anyway, unless he's telling you to shut up and get in the box-car. Then he's not so funny, except maybe to Nay.
Well, last night was the annual Hollywood suck-off known as the Academy Awards. I didn’t watch it, and quite frankly, unless someone was going to punch Sean Penn in his fat, smarmy face, then nothing was going to draw me to it anyway. Penn needs to get hit in the junk with a bag of hammers. Skinny-tied bitch.
Ah, yes. The Internet is indeed serious business. At least that is the impression you would get if you ever read the comments section of any website. The web is filled with Internet warriors, people who are going to attempt to point out your stupidity and the superiority of their views, regardless of their validity. Except my blog of course, my commentors (commentators?) are some of the best and brightest that this rock has to offer.
Case in point; I was looking for some commentary regarding the President’s speech at Dobson High School yesterday (total side note, why Dobson? It’s a craphole). The Arizona Republic had three or four writers discussing their views on the President’s plan. All of the views were different, but after each of the articles were comments by readers that were filled in by people whose only qualification is that they can turn on a computer. The hate just flew. These fools went about spouting their views, and ranting about how the world just doesn't understand, how the stupid masses are so misguided by this leftist media. It is kind of frightening to see this level of hate, stupidity, and laziness all in one place. If these people feel so disenfranchised, they should write their own material and come up with their own arguments. It isn't hard to sign up for a blog, I did it in less than five minutes and I'm functionally retarded. They could have their say and not end up on page 35 of the comments that no one will ever see.
Dissent is good, I love to argue with people, but the vast majority of people who comment on national events aren’t doing it in the spirit of discourse, they are doing it to feel superior to others, even if they are just cutting and pasting their views from some urban legend website. Like Fox News.
I guess there isn't much of a point here other than even among the colossally stupid, you can still dig up a nugget of good information like I did today. Did you know that Obama's plan brings us closer to socialism? I learned that from a bunch of comments on azcentral. I also learned that Bar Rafaeli has a killer rack (I figured that one out on my own).
This is so a headline from a couple of years back, but it seems that Lindsay is going back to the blow. I think she saw that Amy Winehouse is still alive and she is going to race her to the grave. Based on this picture, it could be a photo-finish. The cleavage angle is a good one in my opinion, but Lindsay needs to understand that it works better when we are not distracted by the fact that she hasn't eaten anything other than rock cocaine in two weeks.
And to my lovely sisters who are calling Bar a butta-face, I have to disagree. It must be a guy thing.
So this week marked the debut of the 2009 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, a somewhat bizarre American tradition. Traditionally released at the close of the NFL season, the swimsuit issue has always strode uncomfortably along the line mainstream titillation and out and out soft-core. Whatever, I'll leave that for the social critics. All I know is that for as long as I can remember, it was always a big deal to find out what model was going to be on the cover.
So I thought it was interesting this year as yet another swimsuit issue was in the offing and it was revealed that Bar Rafaeli was this year's cover model. I made the comment to the wife that Bar was just a little attractive, and her response was 'Really? I don't see it." Now this is the woman who has never been shy about identifying women who she feels are pretty, so I found this odd. Am I crazy to think that this lady is pretty hot? Deluded into thinking her boyfriend isn't gay, but hot? Or am I just going blind? Let me know. Maybe I'm just getting old, it is possible.
I know that I’m supposed to be filled with glee that a member of the New York Yankees is caught up in any sort of scandal, but the recent news that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids left me more than a little indifferent. He got out in front of the scandal, did a soft-toss interview with Peter Gammons, who should have to turn in his title as journalist after that abomination, and said he’s sorry. Good for Mr. Rodriguez. Unfortunately, he’s only sorry about one thing, that he got caught.
Let me get this out there in the beginning: I don’t care if baseball players took steroids. They all did. If you told me I could make $25 million a year teaching school by taking a brain pill that could be harmful down the road, I’m asking for that pill and taking two. We all would, anyone that says otherwise is lying. The fact that Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, and others took pills or shots that were illegal, but not banned by baseball, is immaterial to me. It is no different than the cocaine scandals or the fact that baseball players have been using speed for a century now.
What I do care about is the fact that now all of the sanctimonious blow-hard “caretakers of the game” are going to spend the next several months talking about why this has ruined baseball and will be the death-knell of the sport. Nothing could be further from the truth, all this will do will be to make sure that those people who worship at the altar of baseball to face the fact that most normal people just don’t care. And then they will complain that these cheaters are desecrating the game. They lose sight of the fact that it is a game. Luckily for them, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue was just released, so their social life just took a huge jump, although we are going to lose some nerd work time due to their extended bathroom breaks.
And since when was Alex Rodriguez an Oompa-Loompa?
According to CNN, the estate of The Big Bopper is going to auction off the used coffin that the Bopper had been buried in for the last fifty years. I can only surmise that the estate wants to take advantage of the fact that the Bopper's fans are either already dead or on the cusp.
This does open the door for a whole new level of celebrity memoribilia though. Who knows the possiblilities? Just think, Pamela Anderson could sell her old breast implants, Michael Jackson could sell the jar, or maybe Ted Williams family could sell the frozen head of Ted? Fantastic.
I'm personally going to hold out for the urn that Eddie Van Halen put the ashes of his musical career in.
How does Howie do it? Bad wigs and junkies who would have difficulties recognizing their own parents? That is my guess. I don't blame Howie for this atrocity, no self-respecting game show host turns down any offer for more work, no I blame the geniuses at NBC for green lighting this craptacular. These weasels are on a roll, first they forfeit an hour of prime-time for Jay Leno's ego, and now they are going to subject the world to this crap.
I hope they get a raging case of syphilis from the three dollar whores they keep frequenting. Weasels.
And apparently we don't have enough sluts with a variety of venereal diseases on our airwaves. Thankfully we have Bret Michaels here to rectify the situation for us. Yes, the show that brought us a haven for bored strippers and groupies is back, this time set in a bus. I thought that after the show had killed someone that Viacom would have taken a good hard look at themselves and realized that they are slowly killing all of us with these horrible shows and saved us from their filth, but sadly this is not the case.
Oh well, for this new season, the Rock of Love camp needs to really ramp up the crazy, I expect that ferret to eat someone's face off this year, otherwise I'm not going to bother.
Is this really the best we can do? I know that this movie isn't aspiring to high art or anything, but have we hit the creative wall that hard already? Maybe we should just turn the lights out and call it a night.
Oh, and to answer what I'm sure you are all wondering, yes I will see this movie. I haven't seen Zombie Strippers yet, but I think it is in my Netflix que.
I don't really like to lead with that kind of title, but really, I have no choice. Apparently, Jay Mohr, a reasonably funny comedian, is adding his wife's maiden name to his, leaving him something like Jay Mohr Cox. Is he going to start competing with Peter North now? This stuff writes itself.
Actually, Jay should really be spending his time working to keep his wife's head from deflating, I'm sure that's a full time job now.
This past year has been interesting. I’m not sure it was a great year or just a good one, but I can tell you this, 2009 is shaping up to be fantastic. Here are some random thoughts for the end of the year.
1. The Beautiful Metaphor – can do wonders when describing something, but they are actually at their most wonderful when they are used to insult something. Like when Pulitzer Prize winning writer Roger Ebert describes a movie’s characterization thusly: To call the characters cardboard is to insult a useful packing material. This came from a review of the movie The Spirit, which apparently is so bad that even the high levels of eye-candy cannot overcome the amateurish writing, directing, and acting. Maybe this will stem the tide of shitty graphic novel adaptations. Well, probably not, but we can hope.
2. Band of Brothers – The power of art is in its ability to move and inspire. So few motion pictures or television shows actually aspire to the levels of art that when you come across one it should be savored like a fine meal. The miniseries Band of Brothers is something like that. Even though I know what happens in this series, I watched it yesterday (yes, all day, I have no life), the episode titled “Why We Fight” still got me from an emotional sense. The actors beautifully portrayed the horror those soldiers must have felt when they came across those camps. Great stuff, which I will be watching on Blu-Ray in January.
3. Crazy Mexican – Beauty queens. A Miss Shit from Shinola or something or other in Guadalajara was arrested last week for drug and weapon possession or something like that. A fun story, as apparently drug lords in Latin American countries take beauty pagents very seriously. I know that we should here, as the prettier someone is, the more important they are. Which is why I am proclaiming myself Emperor of Arizona.
4. New Ads – I am not waiting for the Super Bowl to identify the greatest commercials of the season. There are two contenders, the Sonic Hearing quasi-bluetooth device that allows people to eavesdrop on conversations and the slim clip thing that is some sort of revolutionary money clip. Wait, you mean that you could put any money clip in a blender? Oh, well then the Sonic hearing thing is the winner, and not to mention bad-ass. The only thing that would be better is one of those parabolic microphones. I’m shocked that the CIA doesn’t issue these little things to all of their new recruits.
5. Sweatpants and Handguns – What is it with East Coast playas packing heat in their sweats? First Plexico goes strip clubbing with sweats and a glock, then this guy goes to the movies packing in his sweats. Really? This is the new thing? I mean I know that we’ve all fantasized about shooting the loud bastard in the movie theater, but who actually does it? If you are going to be carrying a concealed weapon, at least wear some damned pants.
1. Chuck – needs to sack up and stop acting like a whiner with a sandy vag. Oh, my fake girlfriend killed a guy that wanted to kill me. Boo Hoo! I enjoy the show, but at some point, doesn’t Chuck have to act like this isn’t the first time at the rodeo?
2. Hitler’s Birthday – apparently there is a little ‘un whose wise and astute parents named Adolf Hitler Campbell. Now, the local Shop-Rite refuses to personalize a cake for the little racist, and the parents are bewildered. Really? What was their first clue there might be a problem? I’m sure that the boy’s best friends Pol-Pot and Stalin are accepting, but the parents here really need to be neutered or put down themselves. For the rest of us. Seriously.
3. MONSTER!!!! What the hell happened to Goldie Hawn??? She has never been attractive, but it looks like her face is collapsing in on itself. I’m just glad that it isn’t Halloween or she might get staked before anyone realized that she isn’t a zombie or vampire or something.
4. Freaks - I'll close with part of an article I read off of cnn.com. People say that men are strange and perverted. Hopefully this can add some balance to the conversation. Where do they find these people?
Nearly half of the women questioned by Harris Interactive said they'd be willing to forgo sex for two weeks, rather than give up their Internet access, according to a study released Monday by Intel, which commissioned the survey.
While 46 percent of the women surveyed were willing to engage in abstinence versus losing their Internet, only 30 percent of the men surveyed were willing to do likewise.
The U.S. survey, which queried 2,119 adults last month, found that the gap grew even wider for both men and woman who were 18 to 34 years old. For woman, the percentage of those willing to skip the sheets in favor of the Web rose to 49 percent, while it climbed to 39 percent for men. And for women 35 to 44 years old, the figure jumped to 52 percent.
So today I’m reading about the myths of Theseus and the origins of Athens and I see that King Minos was cursed by his jealous wife so that when he would consummate his relationship with his mistresses, he did not ejaculate semen, but rather spiders and scorpions that would eat the genitals of his mistresses. That is a kick-ass curse and a handy bit of knowledge. It would certainly dissuade the young maidens of the kingdom, don't you think? Who said learning about ancient civilizations and mythologies was boring? No word on whether or not King Minos penned the bitchin' tune "Blackout."
Well, it’s been a couple of weeks, and I’ve got all of this pent up bitchiness, so here goes:
1. Guns and Roses – is suing Dr. Pepper for ruining their good name when Dr. Pepper’s web servers were overloaded last week giving out free Dr. Pepper coupons. For ruining Guns and Roses good name. Really?? I would have thought that firing everyone in the band, replacing them with less talented guys, canceling gigs, stealing $15 million from David Geffen and whoever was stupid enough to buy his company, and recording the same 15 shitty songs over and over again might have had a little bit to do with that. That’s just me. Oh, yeah, in case there’s any doubt: Fuck Axl Rose, where's my soda?
2. Beautiful Children – is a book that attempts to weave the lives of several disparate characters together into some sort of haunting tale about a missing kid. Well isn’t that special, a feel-good MFA project. Too bad the missing kid character is a monumental shithead and when he goes off running into the Las Vegas desert, the reader has wasted 400 pages of reading that could have been better used by reading the used newspaper that lines hampster cages. Sometimes MFA writers produce good work, like The Historian, other times we get 400 pages of word barf by a pretentious jackass.
3. Gas Prices – are going down and now we are hearing about how dwindling oil profits are a bad thing. Seeing as how the oil industry has been raping the public for the last few years, I’ll just have to choke down giving them less money. Maybe they could come out with some more ‘humanizing’ commercials showing how they are tightening their belts. The only belt tightening I want to see out of the oil industry is the one around their neck while they swing gently from the shower curtain rod.
4. The Arrested Development – movie seems to be on track, which scares the crap out of me. I’m still not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing. In theory, this could be fantastic, just like in theory, Van Halen bringing David Lee Roth back would be good, but then you get that last Van Halen tour and ouch. I don’t know if I want to find out who is going to be the Arrested Development movie’s Wolfgang.
5. Kick-ass 80’s Song of the week – is going with Whitesnake. These guys remind me so much of Spinal Tap’s interview with Marti DiBergi where they talk about why their audience is primarily teenage males. I heard an interview with David Cloverdale back in the day where he was asked nearly the same question, with hilarious results.
6. Bonus Song – I just felt like listening to this song. It reminds me of football practice and being 15, which was too damn long ago.
7. Amare Stoudamire – needs to shut the hell up and learn to play basketball without the bal in his hands. He’s got ridiculous game, but he can’t play d, doesn’t rebound, and keeps talking about how he needs to be the man. Hey Amare, be a man, shut up and play. Either that or enjoy playing in Sacramento, the armpit of California.
8. Plaxico – on to another petulant little bitch, let’s talk about Plaxico Burress, the New York wide receiver who cannot make meetings or other team events, but then holds out for more money. The same guy who last week went to a club and New York and shot himself in the leg when his .40 Glock went off “accidentally.” Sorry, I have to call bullshit. Anyone who has ever shot a Glock can tell you they don’t just go off. This isn’t some television writer’s dream of being gun crazy, a Glock takes deliberate, conscious effort to fire, Plax was just being a dumb ass. Either way, he needs to go away, as people like him are the reason the average human has so much contempt for professional athletes. My favorite part of the story was his clubbin' sweatpants that he was wearing. Classy. Just watch yourself Plax, where you are likely headed next, you might just bunk up with a killer or kidnapper, which brings us to…
9. The Juice – sometime today Orenthal Simpson was sentenced to 15 years in prison. Tragically, the two people he killed are not the reason for his incarceration, rather he is going to jail due to even more stupidity. There is a generation of Americans who only know Simpson as a murderer, which is lucky for them, as they didn’t have to see an athlete fall from grace harder than anyone else, ever. I’m just glad that he’s going away finally. Let’s take a moment to mourn for the true victims of OJ’s latest crime: the strippers, hookers, and pathetic lonely women in LA/Vegas/Miami who can no longer use OJ to fame whore for five or six minutes.
10. Jaime Spears – is threatening to sue for some reason or other. Is there a good reason why I know this young lady’s name? I didn’t think so. Hey Jaime and Lynn Spears, have a nice glass of STFU.
I love when people can make fun of themselves. Major props for Ozzy's people, as I don't think he knows who he is anymore, he just does what he's told.
Finally, we have photographic proof that supermodels are better than the rest of us (see, that there was a clever statement. What other kind of proof could we have?). The Victoria's Secret model on the far left of this picture, Alessandra Ambrosio, had a baby two months ago. This picture was taken this week. First it was Heidi Klum, now this. Are they ramping up the effort to create unreasonable body images for girls? Or should we just rest easy knowing that there is an impending race of super men and women ready to take over?
Update!
Sorry I had my dates wrong, this picture was taken ten weeks after her baby. That's so much more acceptable.
1. Election 2008 – is finally over. I found it fascinating how people have responded to the election of Barak Obama to the presidency. Feelings of joy, elation, and terror were all on display and I’m really not sure I fully grasp why. I can understand the joy that many black Americans felt upon the results, for a nation as great as ours can finally put the ugly specter of institutional racism to bed. For Republicans, this is a blow, but hardly the worst thing that could have happened to them. I was shocked when I heard some lady sobbing on the radio on election night at the prospect of an Obama presidency; that somehow his political views will turn her nation into, well I don’t really know. I guess that my fundamental issue with the reaction to President-elect Obama is that most people have no idea how little the presidency actually affects their life. It isn’t nearly as important as who Lindsay Lohan getting freaky with, or whether or not homosexuals are getting married.
2. The Bond Market – is no place for the weak, but it certainly is a place for kick-ass movies. The new 007 film is out this week and I’m pumped up. I’m hoping that this is as good as the last one, but I could do without another scene where he gets his nads racked with some rope. My only quibble is that Judi Densch isn’t getting any less annoying as M. If we can get a Bond re-boot, why are we wheeling out this dinosaur? If the producers want a more mature lady in charge, then I could think of 25 less annoying candidates than her. Oh well, maybe she’s the one who is going to get the genital beating this time. Whatever, as long as Denise Richards stays far away from this film it will be fine.
3. Monday Night Football – apparently being in the same building as Tony Korheiser does not automatically render you any more stupid or prone to appalling lapses in basic common sense and decency. Who knew?
4. Kick-ass 80’s Song of the Week – I’m not sure how to describe this song, other than to tell you to play it loud. Reminds me of high school.
5. The Odyssey – is a great slice of literature, but it does illustrate the inherent sexism with which much of western civilization is based. Odysseus is gone to war for twenty years; he collects war spoils (which are pretty young women stolen from conquered people), travels the Mediterranean sleeping with goddesses, and then swears vengeance against those who wanted to marry his wife, who has been sitting at home weaving a tapestry praying for her husband’s return. It’s a wonder that women haven’t risen up and smothered us all while we sleep.
6. Kid Rock – when did it become okay to just flat out rip another artist off musically, put your own mediocre lyrics to it and call it good? Can I just rewrite the lyrics to Unchained and become famous? Or do I have to risk hepatitis and sleep with Pamela Anderson, then get in fights at the local Waffle House first? Unlike Buster, I don’t have a thing for leathery snappy things so I’ll pass on Pam.
7. 30 Rock – is just killing this season. Last night’s Night Court reunion was perfect. The only drawback was the fact that there was no Bull. Hell, dig that bastard’s corpse up if you need to, but make it happen.
8. Thanksgiving is approaching – and it is time again to play the grateful game. Over the next couple of weeks, I will be giving thanks for a variety of things in this blog. As always it is assumed that I am grateful for the health and general well being of my family (I’m not a monster), but I ain’t a gonna write about that. Today I am grateful for the first six seasons of The Simpsons. Those years were among the greatest in the history of television. They were smart, funny, and subversive in ways that television today an only hope to attain. To see them continue to rape my memories like they have for over a decade now is not only sad and pathetic, it borders on criminal. Make it stop already.
No, not Yngwie Malmsteen, but Sinbad. Here's a little something for those unfortunate fools who have never watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Enjoy!
So I'm spending my Halloween evening watching The DaVinci Code on tnt, and I was just wondering if Tom Hanks got to take that rockin' wig home with him after filming the movie. It really should have it's own wiki page, it is one epic wig. I guess he could wear it every Halloween if he was going as a pretentious douche. I don't know who to call a bigger jerk, Hanks or Dan Brown, but in the spirit of Kathy Griffin (speaking of horrid rugs) they can both suck it.
Not every post needs bitchin' pictures of scantily dressed women. Here's proof. A Halloween 4, with absolutely no Halloween content.
1. Reality Television – I’m not sure what the deal is with ‘reality’ television. Common sense tells us that these shows are nearly as scripted as any other storytelling medium and they are certainly edited to the point of manipulation as the producers try to wring out the last drops of tension and crazy. Which is what drives me nuts about this crap. I am not saying I don’t watch some of these shows, Rock of Love, Top Chef, and Making the Team are the three that I’ve watched the most, but the problem I have with these shows is that they are so obviously not real. Each scenario is plotted and manipulated so each of these unbalanced fame-whores are ready to degrade themselves and each other in any way the show chooses. And we eat it up, usually rooting for the craziest person in the room.
Now there are even more shows coming as network executives see the unquenched thirst for this tripe, and the bottom line is that these shows are cheap to produce. We have shows where people compete for film roles, to be a make-up artist to the stars, and just about everything else there is to do. You know we used to have competitions for this kind of stuff before reality television, it was called life and when you applied for a job they picked the best candidate and if they didn’t work out, you got fired and they replaced you. What a colossal waste of time, money, and airspace. I long for a day when the drones that populate this world wake up and demand more for their precious time. Let’s face it, nearly all television is mindless escapism, shouldn’t we demand more from it?
2. Election Day – November 4 is drawing nearer, meaning either Obama or McCain is drawing closer to irrelevance. This seems like it is the longest election season ever. I cannot imagine how long and horrible it must have been before the days of mass communication. Ugh, why would anyone want to do that job? Must be the interns, right Billy?
3. The Best – Why do we feel the need to quantify really good things? I was watching my new favorite show, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia the other day and I was starting to debate in my head where I would rank this show among my all time favorites. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I going to turn into the annoying John Cusack character in High Fidelity, making inane and annoying lists about random meaningless crap? I hope not, but in the spirit of the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons, Arrested Development is the best. television. show. ever.
4. Wal-Mart + Irving Azoff = The Devil – Possibly the most annoying trend to roll down the pike recently is this ‘exclusive’ release by musicians into certain stores, most notably Wal-Mart. The Eagles started the trend, and let’s be honest the only trend they should be responsible for is the impending one where aging Baby Boomers drive their SUV’s off of a cliff listening to The Long Run. Anyway, the Eagles released their latest album exclusively through Wal-Mart and made millions, prompting other bands with fans that will actually buy their albums to follow suit. Azoff is like all managers, looking to squeeze every possible dime from these companies because he gets a couple of pennies from that dime. He doesn’t care what it means to anyone else. AC/DC is the latest to join the trend, but you know what? This trend sucks, because Wal-Mart sucks. Very simple math. If I have to give up a little bit of my soul just to enter and shop there, I can only imagine what deal with Satan that Azoff and these bands have to agree to for these deals. I know Sam Walton is already roasting over a slow spit in Hell, I hope they saved room for Irving Azoff, he deserves to spend his eternity with a hot poker shoved up his, well you get the idea.
