Pics

It's totally cheesy, but I love these pictures.... I'll post more later.

Advertising Sucks

I'll start this little screed by explaining that I hate coffee. I don't like the taste of it and I don't really care for the smell, other than that it is fine. Anyway, there has been much contention over the past year about the McCafe concept that McDonald's is introducing due to the fact that it is killing Starbucks. I don't really care either way, but the ads are starting to get out of hand. Today I heard one radio ad describing how once this woman stopped drinking that hoity-toity Starbucks she was able to go back to reading gossip magazines and stop watching documentaries on television. Yeah, that whole learning thing is way over-rated. I hope the person who came up with these commercials trips and falls into a vortex the size of Jeremy Piven's ego.

On a side note, the above picture was taken at a McDonald's in Budapest, so I thought I'd include it. That and there was no scantily clad women in McDonald's outfits that I could find really fast. I'm sure there are sites out there catering to that fetish... and I am just as sure that I don't want to see it.

Mawwage...

Damn....I knew that weddings could ruin a couple of lives, but this story really hit home that an ill-planned marriage/wedding could really screw up the lives of innocent people with no connection to the event. I love the end of the story when they state that neither the bride nor groom were on the plane. Really? The bridal party wasn't in two places at once? What a shock. So what does this mean for the survivors of Oceanic 815?

ROME - A romantic wedding in the Tuscan countryside ended with injuries after an attempt to launch the bride's bouquet from a plane brought down the tiny aircraft.

Italian police say two people were hurt in the crash of the ultralight plane after the bridal bouquet they launched got caught in the aircraft's rear rotor.

The flowers blocked the engine, bringing the plane down by a youth hostel.

Police in the nearby town of Piombino said Tuesday the pilot was lightly injured in Saturday's crash, while the passenger who threw the bouquet had several broken bones.

The bride and groom were not aboard the plane.

EEEK!

The wife wasn't pleased to see this... although she is a fan of the girls next door, I'm not sure that extends to Jason canoodling with one of them. I feel for her, really Mrs. Wiseman has broken my heart the same way... but I'll forgive her.

Life Moves Along

Well, it has been a bit and quite frankly I needed to get the stench of death off of my blog. Marissa Miller is a good way to keep the principles of the blog moving along. Why is it she is in the new issue of British GQ? The American version has close ups of David Beckham's junk, I mean underwear ads. I don't understand it, but I'll just be grateful that the interwebz makes Marissa available to all. Anyway, expect the blog to pick up as I have nothing else to do.

Dead Celebrities (continued)

Just a couple of follow up points to all of the celebrity deaths from the past week:

1. Keeping your family out of the funeral is a dick move. Not as bad as trying to kill that family member, so maybe the relationship between Griffin and Ryan O'Neal is getting better.

2. Billy Mays funeral pictures were on the news tonight and the pall bearers were all dressed in blue shirts and khaki pants. I love it, but just highlights the fact that people need to not take themselves so seriously, even in a time of sadness. After watching the Pitchmen marathon on Discovery this week, I have to say Billy Mays seemed like a cool dude. Loved his Bently and his private plane, but a good guy. I would never buy anything from him, but he seemed genuine.

3. The Jackson family fiasco is getting out of hand. The family is now saying that they are not going to charge the public for going to the memorial for the fallen pedophile, I mean singer. I would literally rather take $25 and set it on fire than give it to those ghouls. Jermaine had better be careful, offering himself up like that. God just might take him up on that. We can all hope anyway.

So What is the Problem?

So a Washington teacher got in trouble this week:

YAKIMA, Wash. - A Washington kindergarten teacher who sent a 5-year-old student home with a bag of feces tucked in his backpack has been formally reprimanded.

A West Valley School District official warned teacher Sue Graham in a letter that similar behavior in the future will result in disciplinary action, including termination.

The boy's father had said his son arrived home in April with the plastic bag of feces and a note that read "This little turd was found on the floor in my room."

The boy was moved out of Graham's classroom after the incident.

The May letter was released Thursday in response to a public disclosure request from KIMA-TV. The district had previously said "appropriate action" was taken against the longtime teacher.

So what exactly is the problem? The kid needs to learn to shit in a toilet. People are so uptight these days...they need to remember, poop is funny!

Happy 233rd Birthday America!!

1. A Tea-bag Party!!! Yeah, I know that it sounds like a bad Ben Affleck/Kevin Smith story, but people around the country are banding together on Saturday to protest taxes and the direction of America by tea-bagging each other. I call that my normal Saturday night, and quite frankly I'm guessing it will be about as successful.

2. Bumper stickers and car art have really gotten out of hand. I saw one the other day talking about how body piercing had saved their life, with a nice cartoon depiction of Jesus being nailed to a cross. I really wish my beliefs and philosophies about life could be encapsulated by a pithy phrase and bitchin' picture. Now, I'm pretty sure that my conception of Jesus includes a sense of humor, but you know, some shit just isn't funny. I'm pretty sure that jackhole is going to get a whole new version of body piercing when he gets to Valhalla.

3. So I'm watchin' the television with the kids the other day and the newest Carl's Jr. commercial came on, you know the one with Audrina Partridge (or whatever her name is). It was the standard stuff, sexy girl eating meat, which really prompted the thought of how far is too far? I don't mind a girl in a bikini selling me a burger, but what about the kids? Should we be pushing the limit so far that we are going to need to have a birds and bees discussion based on fast food advertising? That isn't even talking about that new Burger King ad...

4. Apparently Paris Hilton went on Kathy Griffin's show and talked about how she doesn't believe in oral sex. “I never do that. My mom always taught me, ‘Only ugly girls need to go down on their knees and do things like that.’” With a straight face no less. I know that it violates the terms of Blogger use, but google search of Paris Hilton oral sex will provide you with approximately 301,000 images, many of them of Paris with a dick in her mouth. Which I guess proves that Paris' mother was right.

5. Finally, An Oklahoma woman was recently arrested for prostitution...but not for money, she was bartering sex for a case of Frito-Lay chips. This is good for a laugh, but it does raise a serious question: what are the odds that you could convince Lindsay Lohan to commit the same act for a case of Red Bull? I'm going out on a limb and guessing that it has already happened.

Dead Pool 2010

Due to the confusion relating to who won this year's Death Pool, here are the rules for next years (I like them because it leads to a whole year's worth of being a Ghoul).

1. Each participant must submit a list of 10 celebrities numbered from 1-10 by the deadline of December 31st, 2009.

Please post your list in this format. It makes for easier sorting and checking.

EXAMPLE LIST:

1. Celebrity #1
2. Celebrity #2
3. Celebrity #3
4. Celebrity #4
5. Celebrity #5
6. Celebrity #6
7. Celebrity #7
8. Celebrity #8
9. Celebrity #9
10. Celebrity #10


SCORING EXPLANATION:

1. Each pick this year is worth 100 points minus their age.
Example: If your pick dies at age 67, you will recieve 33 points. If they die at 33, you will recive 67 points.

2. The game will begin on January 1st, 2009, and end on December 31st, 2009.

3. The celebrity must have achieved their level of fame themselves. It's not enough to be related to a celebrity.

4. Executions don't count. People on death-row are not eligable at all.

5. They must be famous for something OTHER than the fact that they haven't died already. The individual has to have had some level of fame BEFORE they got old and/or sick.

6. Only real humans allowed. No fictional characters, no companies, no fads/concepts, no governments, no animals. How much clearer do I need to be?

Prizes will be ..

A twelve pack of Diet Coke(or whatever it is you drink) and the respect and admiration of your peers.

Hank Baskett is not Smart

Either Hank missed the memo about hitchin' up with someone who takes their clothes off for money, or he is a genius for recognizing the fact that he is a marginal football player and his wife's breasts are going to be his meal ticket. Either way, he obviously never watched The Girls Next Door. Kendra is about as smart as, I'd say a box of rocks but I don't want to insult the granite that didn't make it to my countertop. BTW, how are all of these people dying and Hef is still not taking the dirt nap?

Going to the Store

Right now either to buy some Kaboom!!! or some shoe polish to make my beard glossy and black. If I were in the entertainment business, I'd be very concerned right now...

Why???

Why must people keep taking her picture? I don't know who she is (other than her name, I could figure it out, but it would be wasting valuable internet time I could be spending following Kate Beckinsale on Twitter, she's a pistol) or why anyone cares. She's just a pathetic troll who is missing her bridge. Seriously, the girl can't be older than 23 and she looks like she is just waiting for the sweet release. Please make it stop, and tell Blossom we found her hat...

Wimbledon

So it is the end of June and that means that it is Wimbledon time...

The first time that I ever saw tennis on television was I believe the 1980 Wimbledon men's final where Borg beat McEnroe for his fifth consecutive singles title. Or maybe it was '81, either way it was amazing and I was hooked. I cannot play tennis for a damn, but I love to watch the majors when they are on. I was stunned when Nadal lost in the French last month and I was a bit sad when Sharapova lost in the early rounds this week but that doesn't mean that I won't be spending time in front of the television when NBC does its traditional Breakfast at Wimbledon broadcast. Good times, but I'm still not sure that I am a Roger Federer fan by any stretch. He seems kinda like a tool...

It is too bad that the state of American tennis is so bad right now, it kinda kills the fun, but like the wife always says, it is fun to watch someone who is really good at what they do. Now if they could just moderate the grunting...

Death. Mourning. Maybe.

It is always interesting to see how our culture reacts to the deaths of our celebrities. This week has been fascinating to me with the deaths of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson. Each one of these people were clearly past their prime productive years as entertainers, each one well past any real success, but the reaction to each passing has been different.

I am most dismayed by the universal love that Michael Jackson is receiving. I understand that he was such a cultural icon in his youth. I lived through it. I watched the videos, I listened to the music, and I was also paying attention as his life slowly devolved into a freak-show of his own devising. From the chimps, to the amusement park he built for himself, to the ghastly plastic surgery nightmare that became his face, he became his own worst enemy. This doesn’t even address the child molestation situations. I have heard people try to downplay the allegations as opportunist parents and a parasitic media, and I have to agree that these people have their own part to play in this saga, but no one invented the ‘Jesus Juice,’ or the adult alarms in his bedroom. Yes, Michael was a victim of abuse from his father, and his situation should be a warning to all parents who push their children into show business (the Lohans, Spears, Caulkins, etc could have taken heed), but this doesn’t absolve him of his responsibility to those kids who were around him.

So rather than deify a man so deeply flawed, I’ll celebrate the other two, who were both undeniably less influential (and neither was perfect by any means), but infinitely more respectable. Farrah and Ed, I tip my cap to you, and move on with my day. Maybe I’ll read a book.

Hopeful

I know that I haven't been real active on this blog lately, but life has been crazy....

Just be warned that I am coming up on some free time: it could get ugly.

Damnit!

No one had Ed McMahon? We suck at this....

It's Socialism!!!!! Or at least 1984!

I hate when a government gets above itself and messes with stuff that it has no business messing with...

I know you're thinking I'm talking about Obama, but no, its those bastards in England messing with one of the cardinal rules of English, 'i before e, except after c.' It is bad enough that those lousy Limies (how would you pluralize Limey?) had to go and tax our stamps, now they are jacking with our grammar customs? The queen is rolling over in her grave.

I might have to protest by suspending all postings of Kate Beckinsale, her being British and all. Nah, never mind. I can't stay mad at you Kate.

When Michael Bay and Dreamworks Tried to Kill the Internet

1. The concept of the Transformers came from a line of kid’s toys. The concept of Megan Fox came out of millions of male fantasies. I’m sorry, but is this woman even human? I’m not sure I believe it. I’ve said it before, she may be dumber than a box of rocks (and in every interview she’s ever done she bears this out) but she is amazingly attractive. Hopefully the new Transformer movie isn’t as stupid as it could be.

2. So I’m browsing the net and came across this photo:

Now when I had heard that Phil Spector was accused of killing a woman and saw all of the accompanying photos, I believed it (because after OJ, you know LAPD isn’t going to arrest an entertainment figure without some good evidence), but thought that Spector was just some goofy old music dude who did something stupid. Then you start to read about what a sick bastard he was, and now you see his booking photo and you’re shocked that you haven’t read about him burying people in his cellar and eating their flesh. Dude is seriously whacked. I guess he’ll have to get by in the can without his bitchin’ hair.

3. Lauren Conrad wrote a book. WTF?!?!? I guess I’m just surprised that she even knows how to read, let alone write in her own slam book. Oh well, I guess if Kanye can write a book, I shouldn’t begrudge Ms. Conrad. Shouldn’t she be working off the deal she made with Satan rather than writing fiction? Although in her defense, she has had to work with Spencer and Heidi. Never mind, she has earned whatever she gets…

4. Kobe Bryant gets another crack at being Satan’s cabana boy. Only in America can a casual rapist reach the pinnacle of success in their chosen field. Maybe the Devil has better plans for him, but I can’t understand the love given to Kobe by the NBA and their officials. It sickens me.

5. Finally, in Guitar Hero: Van Halen, you can unlock a younger version of Eddie, Alex, and Dave along with Wolfgang dressed up in daddies 1984 tour get up. He’s still the same 18 year old Twinkie eater though. If I were going to delve into fantasy and play 1984 dress-up, I’d have the game programmers give me David Robinson’s body. I mean why the hell not?

She's Melting!

You know, once upon a time, Melanie Griffin was a recognizable human being.  That was, of course, before her current infatuation with plastic surgery.  So my question is this: what would she have looked like if she had just left herself alone?  I'm going to guess that she would look older, but one hell of a lot better than the mess above.  If this is how she looks all made up for the world, what the hell is Antonio Banderas waking up to?  Just a hot leathery mess...I guess.  I guess that's karma for leaving your wife for your co-star.  Ugh, I'm going to go scrub my eyes now.

Aaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!!! My Ears!

So I am driving around last night and it's kinda late, and I accidentally landed on a station playing Loveline.  How the hell is this collection of freaks that even the circus wouldn't take out on the road for fear of infecting the elephants still on the air?  When Adam Corolla thinks your schtick is played, you know it's time to go jump off of a cliff.  I wanted to lodge a complaint with the FCC, not for the explicit sexual discussion, but that the bounds of entertainment should contain something that is actually entertaining.  Dr. Drew should limit his practice to pathetic celebrities trying for a final payday, not those poor freaks with penis deformities who are looking for people who might be into that.  

Needless to say, it was a disturbing night.  That is all...

FYI

Air France conducted a test last week to see how many inappropriate Lost references they could inspire.  Good to know that it was something over 100,000.

Push Play

What exactly does a DJ do? I only ask this because of our good friend Lindsay and her ‘girlfriend.’ Only in the loosest of terms can one refer to her girlfriend as an actual female, but anyway, apparently this past weekend (or thereabouts) Lindsay went to a party hosted by this particular DJ. Some are speculating that she did this to make Samantha jealous.

Gee, where would someone get that idea? Because Lindsay Lohan is a vacuous whore who will apparently attempt to bed nearly anyone and anything? Regardless, I don’t care if this woman only played Air Supply and Kenny G, I would hire her 100 times out of 100 times before Samantha Ronson.  Maybe a million times out of a million, but there is also the possibility of a pity hire.  I am nothing if not compassionate...

Can someone translate???

I'm not sure I understand...

Tape Delay FTL!

For the record, FTL is now my favorite internetism.  It is just so flexible.  Anyway, I go onto ESPN.com this morning and there is a big headline about how Rafael Nadal could be losing in the French Open today (yes, I enjoy watching tennis, I'm a sports junkie okay?), which is historic because he's won 4 straight French Open titles, never losing in the tournament ever.  Anyway, I switch over to NBC for some live coverage, and lo and behold, they've got nothing.  Nadal loses and two hours later we get tape delay coverage.  

Someone explain this to me, please.  The last Olympics taught us that it is better to broadcast live in an unfavorable time-slot rather than do this tape delay crap.  Anyway, I just had to vent, I blame Nadal's loss on the fact that in the picture above the outfit Nadal is wearing would be something that Dirty Harry would wear compared to his outfit today.  Really, neon pink with yellow?  Please tell me that isn't making a comeback... 

Viva Italia!!!

I'm not sure I'd like him to lead my country, but Silvio Berlusconi is my new favorite world leader.  I mean he's been linked to the Mafia, prostitution, played hide and seek with the German Chancellor, and told a reporter (who was a former showgirl) that he'd like to run away with her.  The man obviously doesn't care, yet he still manages to lead Italy.  Now he's in trouble for cavorting with topless young ladies at his villa and the pictures are about to hit the tabloids.  He may not be a policy wonk, but he does seem to enjoy life, although I'm sure he sleeps with one eye open when he's around his wife...

My only question is what would Bill Clinton have been like if he were in charge of Italy??? The possibilities boggle the mind.

Riding the Subway FTL!

Apparently Kevin Bacon's Blackberry was stolen from him by a mugger over the weekend as he rode the subway in NYC.  How can Bernie Madoff steal his money, Kyra Sedgewick (I don' t know how to spell it and am too lazy to look it up) steal the last few years of his prime, and muggers get his crackberry, and yet we can't get anyone to steal his Just for Men hair color kit? There is no justice in this world...

Too Hot Huh?

So Jessica Biel feels that her looks are holding her back, keeping her from getting those solid, meaty roles that would showcase her skills to the world.  Skills found in her new film that couldn't quite find a theater that would screen it.  It is kinda sad, to be honest, when someone's private delusions and insecurities are exposed for everyone to see.  I'm sure Jessica really believes this, forgetting the fact that while she does have a rocking body, she's not in the same league as the really pretty actresses or the really good actresses.  So I guess her career is destined to be a serviceable C-list actress.  Making more money than 99% of the world's population.  Yeah, tough life.  Hey Jessica:

This man has it right...

So why did I spend all of that time practicing????

Wanted - Dead or Alive!

1.  Well Farrah's not dead yet, but can we give the lady a little dignity please?  Why do they keep referring to her illness as 'anal' cancer?  Is the term rectal too hard, or is that a different disease?  Either way, the branding of her illness is unfortunate and probably painfully embarrassing.  

2. Megan Fox wants to be taken seriously.  Why is that exactly?  Look princess, your job is to look pretty, okay?  You're not a good actress, your interviews consist primarily of your proclaimations of bi-sexuality and the time you dated a Russian stripper and your off-camera persona courts the paparazzi so blatantly that you are only one or two above Lindsay Lohan.  I get it, your sexuality is sooooooo impressive.  Except for the whole 90210 thing, which is quite frankly embarrassing.  So sit there, let Esquire take strangely unsexy videos of you and just wait for the bell letting you know that your 15 minutes are up.

3.  Lost.  What the hell was I thinking for five years????  When the show premiered, all I could think is that it was a mish-mash of Gilligan's Island and Castaway with some post-21st century angst thrown in.  Thankfully my sister-in-law showed me the error of my ways.  What a great show.  Now, how can we get to February 2010, like right now?

4.  Heather Mills is opening a vegan restaurant.  Wow, how original.  Is she going to serve Linda McCartney entrees?  Or just die and leave poor Paul an even bigger emotional cripple?  Oh, right he ditched her already.  I thought I was in a time loop...too much Lost.

5.  Holly Madison is joining a Vegas burlesque show.  I wonder if she is going to walk in and start channeling Darth Vader,  "The circle is now complete."  Oh well, I guess once you've slept with an octogenarian and Criss Angel, going back to the pole is a step up the career ladder.

Grim Death

I alluded to it in the Bea Arthur post, but here is my 2009-2010 Death Pool.  Basic rules say that this runs from today until April 30, 2010.  

Remember, we're not wishing or hoping that these people die, just trying to be prophetic:

1.  Fidel Castro

2.  Kim Jong-il

3.  Steve Jobs

4.  Michael Douglas

5.  Betty White - the Golden Girls seem doomed and she was scary as hell on My Name is Earl earlier this year.

Oh, and Kate Beckinsale is indestructible.  Maybe it is time to rent Click...nah.

In the Name of All That is Holy

Make her stop!!!  Someone really needs to go Borat on Pam Anderson.  Stuff her into a sack and then take away all of her ten year old slutty outfits.  Then burn them of course, but I would worry about the Hep's ability to survive fire.

Everyone is criticizing her for attending the opening of a steakhouse/strip club, seeing how she's a vegetarian.  All I have to say is that I've seen the film and it all makes sense; she's not afraid of stuffing meat in her mouth.

Death Pool 2009

So who had Bea Arthur in this years death pool?  What, we didn't do it this year?  What the hell is wrong with us?

Oh yeah, we participate in death pools.  And you should know better than to think that I'd post a picture of Bea Arthur.

Saturday's Alright for Boobs

Well it's the weekend and it is time to relax, and quite frankly that last post disappointed me from a visual aspect. So here's Jenny, that crazy Playmate witch.

What the hell happened to Amy Pohler? That new show of hers is about as funny as your average snuff film. Not only is the show painfully derivative and tedious, but it just plays flat. The viewer never gets a sense that people are enjoying this process. Stale writing and mediocre acting is not a winning ticket. I find myself wishing Gob would show up and put her in the Aztec Tomb.

What the hell is Aubrey O’Whateverthehellhernameis wearing? Look, your famous because you slept your way into some ‘band,’ you have taken your clothes off for money, and you have no discernable talent. Show up on the red carpet looking nice and no one cares; show up like this and someone needs to throw acid in your eyes as punishment for what we’re forced to endure.


Finally, somewhere a town tried to ban baggy pants. I get the frustration with seeing what I would assume are heterosexual men adopting a gay prison fashion choice, but did anyone really think this was going to pass any kind of legal challenge? Lionel Hutz could have won this case.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Cartography in the 21st Century

1. Paris Hilton described her current boyfriend to the press this weekend as ‘perfect.’ No one really knows what this means except for his obvious ability to repel herpes, syphilis, and the like. Oh, and the ability to be in Paris’ presence for more than 37 seconds and being able to stifle the urge to disembowel her with a broken machete.

2. According to some random scientists, the area of the Four Corners the southwest United States has been surveyed incorrectly. The Four Corners tourist spot is about 2.5 miles off. It has just come to light ever since the area was defined over one hundred years ago. Very nice. Tell me, does it ever worry you that these are the people who we entrust trillions of dollars to, and they cannot even make a respectable map? Magellan had it down 500 years ago, what the hell is the government’s problem? Buster Bluth could get this right. (On a side note, I have been to the four corners and for all that people blather that it is a tourist trap, I thought it was pretty cool, now I feel cheated)

3. Lindsay’s back on men. Are we 100% certain that Sam Ronson was a woman? I need a clarification on this before I can accept this story. I’ll bet that many women in the greater Los Angeles area are breathing easier today. Of course, all males remotely connected with the entertainment industry or the night-club circuit are all terrified and taking at least one cycle of zithromax. I’d suggest some valtrex as well, but hey, what’s life without some risk.

4. Amy Winehouse wants to adopt a baby. Really? To raise or for the baby’s fats and emollients? How is she not dead yet? Somebody better explain this to me, or get the shotgun because we are about to enter Shaun of the Dead territory.

Boob Week - Day 2

1. Jennifer Love Hewitt – This young lady is back in the press with a Maxim cover (does anyone actually read this shit?). She’s pretty and she continues our Boob Week theme, but who really cares? The blogosphere will complain about her weight and the rest of the real world will say, ‘Hmm, looks good’ and life will go on. I do give her limited props for not getting naked just because everyone seems to think that’s all she’s got to offer, but c’mon, no one is waiting around for the sequel to Heartbreakers.

2. Modern Day Pirates – I’ve written about this briefly in the past but this new trend of modern-day piracy is just kicking my ass. These geniuses are taking on the most sophisticated and powerful navy the world has ever seen with a motorboat and machetes. Good for them. As long as they are flying the Jolly Roger, then I’m cool with them; but when the SEALS go all crazy on them, maybe they should stop the threats and just go ride the Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland and avoid the whole death thing.

3. Octomom TM – Word is the Octomom wants to trademark her name. Good for her. That whole ‘get enough plastic surgery to look like Angelina Jolie’ thing didn’t work out for her; the ‘have octuplets and live on endorsements’ didn’t work out for her; now her ‘trademark the name Octomom and live off of royalties’ plan is next. I’ve got news for her: No one cares. Short of jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge, nothing this woman can do should interest anyone living in the United States of America. That would be the best thing for those kids though. Where’s Hulk Hogan at when you need him?

4. Where does he find the time? Apparently Mel Gibson has been linked to six women over the past few years, including noted crazy-woman Brittney Spears. Throw in the fact he has nearly a billion dollars and has only made one movie in that time, I’d have to say that number seems low.

5. Cheer Coach Bunny – Why is it that every female teacher I’ve ever dealt with looks like they were in the original cast of “Grease” or “Little House on the Prarie?” Apparently, previously posing for Playboy is not good for young women who would like to work in the schools. Who woulda thunk it?

I thought you'd be bigger...

No, it isn't every man's most dreaded words to hear in bed, it is everyone's reaction to Dalton in the movie Road House.  Not a great film by any stretch, but with Patrick Swayze on the verge of death, I just thought I'd remember him as the guy who ripped out the throat of another man, the ultimate in movie bad-assery.  

Aren't our movie stars supposed to get old and cranky like Sean Connery?  Sorry, no snark here, just best wishes to Mr. Swayze.

See what he did there was this...

So John Madden retired today, leaving a huge void in the field of telestrator use and the use of interjections as sentences.  I'm not quite sure how I want to remember John, as the easily confused buffoon of an announcer that he has become over the past few years or the kick-ass coach who may still have the best winning percentage of any coach in NFL history.  

Probably the buffoon.  You just know you are going to see John in ACE hardware stores up and down the west coast telling people why their socks are falling down.  It is just a step before he starts soiling himself and wandering down sidewalks looking for the Dutchman's Gold, which we all know is hidden in Jenna Jameson's vagina.  Good luck finding it, sorry John.

Break-time is Over

Back to the hate, today's post is not for the faint of heart...enjoy.





1. Salma Hayek – In the comments of the Sham-Pow post I made reference to the fact that I’d post more about boobs. Well, here is what I consider to be the best boobs in Hollywood not named Ashton. Salma is ridiculously hot and her rack should inspire people in the hills to sing songs about it. You know it’s a killer rack when Prince is writing about it, I mean c’mon Prince isn’t exactly inexperienced in that way, if you know what I mean. Feel free to disagree, you'll just be wrong, that's all.

2. Hulk Hogan = OJ The big news today is that Hulk Hogan understands OJ and his killing his ex-wife. Let that sink in for a moment. Just because some 19 year-old dude is desperate enough for the attention to want to get with that mess that Hulk was married to is no reason to want to ‘OJ’ anyone. Look at Mel Gibson, his wife is going to walk away with around $450 million dollars – cash – and is Mel getting ready to turn his wife into a Pez dispenser? No, he’s out there sleeping with Russian models, a much more effective way to deal with rage and grief issues. I remember back in the day when Hulkimania was all about taking your vitamins and drinking your milk, now it seems that the Hulkster really wants to kill his wife and bang his daughter…I mean sleep with his daughter’s friends. The older I get, the more the world sucks.

3. Have you twatted? Apparently there is some sort of competition between Demi Moore’s husband (whose name escapes me because he’s done nothing worthwhile since the last time he pulled out of Demi) and CNN for twitter subscribers. I can think of no other commentary about our society than this. CNN – they can give you updates about what is going on in the world. Demi’s husband might give you another photo of her ass in a bikini (taken courtesy of his Nikon endorsement I’m sure). Why doesn’t someone photoshop this guy’s head onto the body of the dork railing Ms. Ex-Hulk and solve a couple of problems for all of us?

4. Protests – I was in a meeting today about something or other when someone asked if they were aware about the tea-bagging at the capitol yesterday? Really? Just yesterday? I was under the impression that the government has been tea-bagging us for quite a while now.

5. Quote of the week – “Sit ups made birth easy” This was attributed to Jenna Jameson. Really? It couldn’t have been that the only reason those kids didn’t fall out of that busted up vag was the fact that the two of them bottle-necked up in the canal? Seriously Jenna, the fact that going down on you would be more like spelunking than a sex act might have more to do with the ease of your birth than your rigorous work-out regimen. Just a thought.