Eric Whitacre

So apparently, one of the guys I knew in high school has become an internationally known choir conductor and composer.... This is not surprising to me, as he was a very talented musician in high school, but it is always interesting to see what people do with their talents.... His latest project is what he is calling the Virtual Choir, where people are loading up a video of them singing a part in one of his compositions and then they compile them into the final piece. It's pretty interesting, check it out.

Random Silliness

1. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a serious, life-threatening addiction to Diet Coke. I usually buy it in either 44 ounce or 52 ounce cups from the QT (which is the best convenience store on this little blue rock we live on, but that's another story). I only bring it up because I sometimes stop at this one gas station on the way home and they don't have the 52 ounce cup. They jump straight from the 44 to a half-gallon. This is the final step into a medical condition, I'm convinced of it. I refuse to make that jump.... for now. Looking at that 64 ounce soda cup is like Lindsay Lohan looking at big fat line of cocaine on her second day in rehab... she knows she shouldn't but you just know its gonna happen sooner or later. I'm very afraid.

2. Monica Gellar's husband is out in public discussing how, the day after his separation from his wife is pubic, he hadn't had sex with her for four months and he needed to go out and get some. I don't know if there is a joke here, other than getting into a relationship with any of the Arquettes is a horrible idea (Nicolas Cage has never recovered), but I'm guessing that going on Howard Stern's show and confessing your infidelities is not the best way to get that Friends money in perpetuity David....

3. I was listening to an old Dokken CD the other day and I became legitimately curious as to why the drummer was always listed as 'Wild' Mick Brown? Really, he was a fairly generic hard rock drummer, with all of the subtlety of a hammer, so what was he doing that made him so wild? Or was this Don Dokken's attempt to venture into Led Zeppelin's Hammer of the Gods territory? Either way, calling Mick Brown 'Wild' was just silly and smacks of desperation.... It probably drove George Lynch to steroids.... I loved this album in high school, so here's a cut, just know that Don Dokken is the least charismatic front man in the history of rock and roll:



4. Shauna Sand is out in public again.... Can we take her and Coco out and drop them off in a desert somewhere? Then I saw this picture a few days back....



This poor young lady is not related to Shauna, she's Lorenzo Lamas's daughter, but it is obvious that there are some serious body image issues going on in that household....

5. Kim Kardashian is naked in this month's W magazine.... Didn't she just complain about Playboy releasing unpublished pictures of her? I guess any publicity is better than none....



6. Finally, this girl is the one who Brett Favre was so smitten with he had to send her pictures of his wiener.... Does that move really work? I mean, unless you're Tommy Lee, why would you want to do that? Is this some hidden advantage to wearing Wranglers? I guess they raise them differently in Mississippi....

AAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

MAKE IT STOP.... PLEASE ICE-T, MAKE IT STOP. HALLOWEEN ISN'T FOR ANOTHER MONTH!

Seriously, make use of the pimp-hand and keep this shit out of my interwebz. I don't know which one I need worse at the moment: a HAZMAT-strength eye-washing station or a cycle or two of antibiotics...

I'm All In...

I really hate poker metaphors, but with the new fall television season in full swing it felt appropriate. I suggested my love of all things Alison Brie last year and the new season of Community has done nothing to blunt that. She's funny and hot, which is always a good combination. Here are some other random thoughts:



1. Black Swan is coming out soon and if you recall, the movie features the male fantasy of Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman making out. Apparently it took the duo the better part of a bottle of tequila to get the ladies in the mood. My question is what kind of tequila were they using and is it generally available? Can you imagine what that information would be worth to a PR firm? It would make for a much better commercial that that Sopranos douche sitting at a table.

2. Kanye West was on SNL this past week... being just as stupid as he always is. It was a laughable performance. Why is he famous again? Oh yeah, he stole some award from the similarly talent-deprived Taylor Swift.

3. They are making another Three Musketeers movie. What the hell did the French do to deserve to have Orlando Bloom desecrate their national heroes?

4. Kate Beckinsale has officially given up. She fell for the paycheck and is going to star in the fourth Underworld movie. All this means is that she'll be doing direct to dvd sequels to this and her other shitty movies until her looks fade. That's too bad, as she is not a bad actress, but she's married to an abominable director. At least she's still working though....

5. The League is back, which is my new favorite television show. It is a crazy, semi-improvised show about a group of friends who are in a fantasy football league. There is no place they won't go, which to me is the essence of good comedy. I love it, you should watch it too....

So what is the feature set?

So apparently you can order a Coco edition of a Cadillac. I have several thoughts running through my mind when I stop and try and wrap my head around that idea.



First, does it come with passive seatbelts like they used to have in the 80's so Ice-T doesn't get a ticket for not wearing a belt? How about does the seat have an extra large girth to handle Coco's junk? And is the seat made of some space age polymers that repel both STDs and the spunk of your current john you happen to be servicing? I mean really Cadillac, was Pamela Anderson unavailable?

I know when I think upscale, luxury cars, I always ask myself what Ice-T's whore driving? And now that I know the answer to that question, I know my next car purchase will most likely be a Lexus... or something....

Sexual Harassment

So apparently the New York Jets sexually harassed this woman:



Her name is Ines Sainz and she was at Jets practice to interview Mark Sanchez for a Spanish language television network. Look, I get that women can do any job men can and they have made significant strides in the field of sports reporting, but you know what? If you want to be taken seriously in your job, don't show up to interview an athlete in a locker room filled with testosterone fueled naked guys looking like this:


Or this:


I know this isn't a phrase people like to hear, but she kinda deserved it....

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you want to be considered a professional, dress like one.

Recharging My Batteries...

Always sounds like a good idea, until you get so lazy that all you can say when you are asked when you're going to get back to work is "I can't be bothered." Which isn't to imply that anyone asked if I was going to post on here again.... I'm not going to go crazy like that. Anyway, here's 5 stories that made me laugh:

1. The headline? Zac Efron's Beard. How am I not supposed to laugh? Apparently I'm supposed to give a shit that Zac finally hit puberty and can grow facial hair, kinda... But I'm not supposed to infer that Zac is taking it in the ass from some random waiter at the Beverly Hills P.F. Changs? Next thing you know Charlie St. Cloud is going to play the Rev. Willie G in the ZZTop story...


2. Paris Hilton used to stash blow in her vag. At least it's good for something other than spreading industrial strength STDs. You know how they used to try to dissuade young people from doing coke by telling you all of the nasty shit that it is made from? What does this say about Paris' junk? Oh, and did they have to use one of those bank drive thru containers to keep it from falling out at an inopportune time?


3. Kanye is writing a song for Taylor Swift.... Is he going to use his superpowers to turn back time to not be an asshole? If not, he needs to just STFU.

4. Speaking of superpowers, so this guy is the new Spiderman? What was Toby to masculine for the role? I know that it is old news and the Spiderman character is supposed to be a normal guy, but is he supposed to have tiny vestigal wings and use Downy on his delicates?



5. Apparently Kim Kardashian is not happy that Playboy is releasing more photographs from her session she did with the magazine last year. Really? There are more pictures? Hmmmmm.... Anyway, what did she think that Playboy was? Some company that releases pictures of naked women or something? I suppose she regrets letting Ray-J pee on her too.... Of course without that we wouldn't know who the hell she is, so probably not. Although Lamarr Odom probably does...

Photoshop? Please?

The first time I saw this I was sure that her crown was photoshopped.... but I really found myself wishing that those wizards would have spent more time making her face less horrific.....

I am all about putting boobs to the forefront, but this look even offended me.

"I'm Too Pretty To Be In Jail..."

Sure you are Snookie.... sure you are. Will someone please punch her in the face? Someone did? Maybe they need to hit her harder. Maybe if one of those other orange idiots hits her hard enough she'll stop looking like the monster that should be guarding a pile of gold in middle earth.

Raping My Childhood Part 4573

It is not enough that Hollywood has tried to ruin everyone in their 40's childhood memories, now scientists are trying to get into the act as well....

Apparently, the dinosaur that was known as triceratops did not exist.... so all of those artists depictions of triceratops valiantly fighting off a t-rex were not real.... damnit! First brontosaurus, now triceratops? What's next? What is going to be left when they finally open Jurassic Park? I'm not taking this well...

**Goes off to punch a wall**

Where's the Magic?

Apparently the photoshop wizards that Maxim usually employs to edit out nipples and unsightly blemishes were on vacation when the editorial staff (that's a joke folks, if you've ever read Maxim, you know that there is no such thing as editing or ideas there) decided to put the least ugly female member of the Jersey Shore in their publication. I prefer that thought to the one that tells me that this is the best they can do for this poor girl. That boob job makes Heidi Montag's look natural in comparison.

Seriously, I could go anywhere in the metropolitan Phoenix area where more than ten people have gathered, throw a rock and hit a prettier girl. This skank needs to keep her special guidoized brand of herpes contained to that festering cesspool known as New Jersey. At some point the CDC needs to intervene...

OG

Ice-T got put upon by the man again today, being arrested for driving on a suspended license and not wearing a seatbelt. Muthafucka is HARD....

Happy Jail Day!

So Lindsay's supposed to go to jail today..... She's like comedy manna from heaven. So anyway, here are some random observations from the past week:

1. Literally? I went and saw the movie Inception over the weekend. I really enjoyed the spectacle and the story that Christopher Nolan had created. It was really good, but there are a significant number of movie critics who really do not like Nolan's style. Which is perfectly alright, but they criticize his movies as being too literal, not metaphoric enough. Which is kind of silly. These are the same people who are using David Lynch as an example of great filmmaking. The man hasn't told a coherent story in decades, but that is what Nolan should aspire too.... idiots. One buffoon actually said they liked the Transformers sequel better than Inception. That's just stupid. Watching that movie was like raping your own eyes.

2. Lil Kim did this to herself? Why? Haven't these losers seen each other? They NEVER look better afterwards.....


3. Paris Hilton has been cited twice in the past month for possession of marijuana in foreign lands. Aren't they supposed to lock her in some sort of prehistoric hell for that stuff? I saw Midnight Express. I'd like to see her use her ass herpes to get out of a Turkish prison.....

4. The cast of the Jersey Shore is getting a raise.... Why exactly? The only raise these losers should get is when they are swinging from the shower curtain rod during their auto-erotic asphyxiation games. And people wonder why the world hates America.

5. I missed the Jennifer Love Hewitt prostitution movie on Lifetime this weekend. I don't know if I can forgive myself, as I'm sure there was some hot seedy motel action. I'll try to forgive myself....

6. Angelina Jolie has a new movie that is coming out this weekend. It looks good for a movie about a woman who is clearly starving and looking for a sandwich....



7. The Old Spice guy just signed a deal to star in a yet to be developed television show. About a guy who runs around without a shirt I'm guessing. I hope he saves his money.... Go Devils!

Morning News.....

Apparently that little leprechaun Spencer Pratt is homeless. That's just too bad. I got nothing else about that little bastard. In more important news (important only because it deals with someone who actually did something with their life) New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner died this morning. No one had him in the pool, which was an oversight I'm sure for many, which means someone lost out on twenty points. In the big picture this wasn't unexpected as he's been reportedly been sick for many years, but it is good to reflect on how George changed the culture of baseball..... wait, it isn't good because he helped put baseball in the position it is currently in, which is a place where only a handful of teams can compete on a regular basis and whenever a team falls out of contention they sell of all of their good players because they cannot afford to keep them. He was a bully, a narcissistic asshole, and a megalomaniac. Gee, why do the good die so young?

On second thought, let's talk about Spencer's future.....

More Mel....

So I'm heading out the door to look for those bums I was talking about due to the fact that even more Mel Gibson crazy is coming out of the wood work.... I just wanted to hit a couple of points.

The first is that Mel Gibson is crazy and full of hate. It shouldn't be shocking, due to the fact that his father is EXACTLY the same way and he has been living as an entitled celebrity for the past thirty years or more. It would be more shocking if he ended up normal and well-adjusted. The calls for apologies and rehab are old news and quite frankly would be little more than window dressing for the fact that Mel Gibson is crazy and full of hate.

The second is the fact that no one in the media is actually quoting Mel from his rants. Wait, they are, they just blank out some of the letters.... it just reminds me of what Louis CK said in this clip, it's timely and funny:



Finally, I really do hope that Mel Gibson does take a step back and recognizes that he's teetering close to the edge. I was really depressed when I found out that OJ Simpson was a murdering son of a bitch, I don't want to have to add Mel to that list as well.

Finally, the World Cup is Over....

So the World Cup ended this weekend. Mercifully. Anyway, the nation of South Africa, which brought us such wonderful things as Krugerrands and Morgan Freeman as president can go ahead and set their vuvuzelas on fire. If you watched any of the Cup you realized what it would be like to live in an active wasp hive. Fun. But that isn't the point of this post.

No, apparently the lady pictured above is a Dutch porn star who promised all of her twitter followers a free hummer should the Netherlands have won the cup. It was an interesting proposal, which sparked several questions:

1. How would she do it? She currently has over 100,000 followers, the logistics of servicing so many people would have been Herculean. No, really.... Heracles supposedly serviced all fifty daughters of Thespius in a single night, impregnating them all. Even Heracles would have been interested in how Ms. Eden was going to fulfill her promise.

2. What kind of desperate loner would have tried to claim their "prize"? Maybe it was going to go down like that sting on the Simpsons where they were giving away free motorboats, but really it was a parking ticket sting... Maybe they were going to sterilize the losers when they showed up for their reward.

3. Why am I not following more interesting people on twitter? I've got a bunch of writers and critics in my twitter feed, which is nice I suppose, but kinda boring.... In the comments, maybe you all could suggest some fun people to follow in the twitter world.

Again, mercifully, the cup is over and Spain won, saving us all from some sordid news story about how 100,000 losers from around the world contracted a virulent strain of porn-herpes....

Bored on a Monday Morning....

So I have been sitting around the house for the past three weeks, trying to find something to do. I have read the interwebz far too much.... I am on Lindsay Lohan overload and if I read another story about Mel Gibson, I just might have to find a two bums and pay them to fight. So I have a few random thoughts I figured I'd share:

1. Lebron James is going to Miami. I don't understand why I'm supposed to care so much, but ESPN devoted a full hour to his decision.... Nothing Lebron is going to say will keep me interested for 60 minutes, unless he has my family held hostage. To think that he needed an hour of airtime for that atrocity, well, let's just say that someone's mommy instilled a little too much "you're special" into their head.... And then Jesse Jackson starts defending Lebron? Amazing....

2. They are going to make an Ozzy Osborne movie? Jesus, please no. Just no. First of all when I say 'they,' I am referring to the dolts who are trying to tell me that the 5th Harry Potter movie, which has sold over $900 million worth of tickets lost money, so I am not talking about people who are sane and normal. But really? who is going to see this shit? Anyone with any sense and interest has seen the Osbornes and realizes that they are all nuts.... Why would I want to pay ten bucks to see his fantasy version of his life on the screen? And he wants to play his mother? Oh man.... they talked about this stuff in my psychology classes....

3. San Francisco is thinking about banning pet sales.... I'm intrigued. I won't even discuss gerbil sales....



4. Bon Jovi is in the clip above. He tweaks his leg in the video, which is a bad song, apparently tells the audience that getting old sucks and goes into the next song, Livin' on a Prayer. After that the show is over and everyone goes home happy, except for Jon Bon Jovi who finds out that he tore his calf muscle. I've never been a big Bon Jovi fan, but damn, the dude's a pro...

5. Finally, some brilliant photographer asked themselves, what would one of Homer's favorite models look like if she were having her pictures taken in the mid-80's? The results are at the top of the post.... That photographer is my new hero....

Keepin' the Pimp Hand Strong....

A new legal post....

1. Urkel decided that Mel Gibson shouldn't have the news all to himself and went out and punched his baby mama in the tit. That's right, he punched her breast (which was an implant, as the story goes.... does this make a difference?) while they were driving in the car. Why does anyone care?

2. Mel Gibson keeps making news... Wetbacks are the latest 'victim' of his racist wrath. Does this come as a shock? I'd be surprised if there was a race he liked at this point. It's apparent that he's going to have to just go away now, which is too bad as Edge of Darkness was a pretty good movie. Watching the public disgrace unfold has been sad.

3. Speaking of sad, Lindsay is going to jail. That isn't really sad, but the fact that she is only going away for 90-ish days is. Her contempt for everything and everyone not named Pablo Escobar is astonishing. Hopefully she doesn't have anal herpes to give her an excuse to get out of jail early like Paris did.

How Will She Make It?

Apparently the figure of $750 million that has been making the rounds is not what the soon to be ex-Mrs. Tiger Woods is going to get in her divorce settlement. She is going to have to make do with only $100 million. Well, I know Tiger liked Perkins, hopefully Elin likes the Grand Slam special at Denny's, because I don't know how she'll make it on that little cash. I know she's gonna love Wal-Mart....

What's New Sugar Tits?

Remember when he was just a drunken anti-dentite? I do.... Let's face it, Mel has gotten away with a whole bunch of stuff over the years, from nailing sorority sisters at Stanford while shooting a movie, to railing against the Jews who run banks and studios. He was able to overcome because he could make money at the box office, but is that still the case? I don't think so. I liked Edge of Darkness, but he's getting to the age where he's going to have to start taking character/supporting parts, and no one goes to the theater just for those. Overall, he's just killing his career prematurely. Too bad....

And yes, I am going to eschew the traditional Russian whore joke here....