Homer's Hot 10 - #10 Megan Fox

I haven't forgotten my promise to create a better list than Maxim. I could put in some sexy chihuahuas in spots 2-9 as long as Megan is in the top 10 somewhere. I am just going to post them as I can, by all means argue with me about who I pick. Oh yeah, I'm totally going to ignore the few rules that I wrote down earlier. I find these ladies hot/sexy/just plain attractive. I don't really care what order they're in or how they became famous. Right now I'm loving Megan because unlike a lot of Hollywood types, she has the stones to walk away from a movie franchise for no other reason than she's not going to work with an asshole like Bay. Yeah, her tats are ridiculous, but whatever...

It's Okay, You Can Let Go Now...

I had planned on writing up something about my favorite episodes of Lost, but as usual, life got in the way. That's okay, it is still going to happen, but I did want to jot down some ideas about the finale of the show and my reaction to it and since this is my blog, I will.

"The End" was an episode that I dreaded seeing, primarily because I was afraid that the creative team behind Lost would drop the ball. I feared this because I believed that they were going to pander to their fans and give us answers. Nobody really wants answers, not really. We want understanding, and quite frankly those are two completely separate things. I found the end of Lost to be an emotional, bordering on poignant experience. No, this is not going to be a Doc Jensen explication, because while I appreciate what Doc does and it can be very entertaining, I think that Doc Jensen and all of the other Lost freaks who have been searching for answers and meaning are barking up the wrong tree.... I get to that in a bit. No, I found the end of the series to be great because I was able to find closure for a group of characters that I had come to care about. I wanted to see them resolve, but I didn't need to know the minutia of their after-island existence. It was enough for me to know that there is a crazy-assed island out there somewhere where the world that we know may or may not exist in, and that this sad group of lonely people were able to fight their way off and that in the end they were important to each other.

The reason that I believe that Doc Jensen and the genre fans that are upset about the end of the show get it wrong is that their approach was wrong. To the science fiction geeks: this piece of fiction played the genre straight and true. Everyone forgets that science fiction is never about the science, it is about us, it is about searching for meaning in our lives and using the fantastic to try and find the truths that are out there. The search for answers is never straight, never linear. Doc and his ilk get it wrong because searching for meaning while the story is ongoing is nothing more than an academic trick to show how much you know, not what the story wants us to take from it. Only upon reflection and with time can you determine what a piece of art means to you and what it could and should mean to others.

I'm not sure I'm there yet.... I don't quite know what it all means, but I do know that I enjoyed the ride, enjoyed the ambition and the effort put forth.... I do know that I loved the little moments in the finale, the reunions, the fun little call backs, but there was a moment that really hit me, that I found to be the essence of what this last episode is, and maybe the show (I'll have to sort that out later). It was when Jack was going back into the source, he was telling Hurley that he believed in him and that it had to be him that protected the island, there was a cut-away to Ben, where you knew how hard it was for him to hear that.... for all of the sacrifices he had made for the island, from his own humanity to the lives of those who he loved, that he would never be the one. It was a quick but beautiful moment. You can't get that from a sit-com, or from a procedural or any other network prime-time drama, because they don't aim for that kind of height. They entertain, but to reach the level of art takes more than that.... and over 120 hours of television Lost made it.

Homer's Hot 100

Well, actually it is only going to be 10. My list will be as arbitrary as Maxim's was, but I'd like to think that I have better taste than those fools. I would like to stress that these will be the 10 sexiest celebrities that are working today 'in my opinion.' One key is that they have to be relatively active... I think Dagmara Dominczyk is crazy hot, but no one knows her, nor has she done anything lately. I also vow to not just post up 10 pictures of Kate Beckinsale either...

Number 10 will be up tomorrow. In the mean-time, here's a picture of Rebecca Mader who was on Lost for a season. She never seemed all that attractive to me until she came back on season 6 and wow. Anyway, your opinion will be different, but it will be wrong. When putting this together, I went through a thorough process that was complex and time-consuming.

What I go through for you guys.

Ronnie James Dio

My earlier post was a bit off-handed... but I did love Dio. I didn't actually listen to Dio until the mid-80's. The Last in Line was out and I was on a skiing trip with some friends. I was out of tapes to listen to in my knock-off Walkman (Sony was expensive back then...) and a friend had Holy Diver and The Last in Line. I spent the rest of the weekend listening to Dio, even borrowing some Dio-era Sabbath. There was just something about the way he sang. His lyrics were stupid and over-wrought, but he was belting it out about the eyes of the witch or rainbows in the dark, you knew he believed it, even if it was ridiculous.

I loved listening to the man, and his is the only totally random encounter with a celebrity that I have ever had. He was exceedingly generous to an obnoxious 21 year old me. No one had Dio in the pool, which was an oversight... but you'll have to forgive me.... I'm going to go off and listen to some Sabbath.

Shoulda had Dio in the Pool....

RIP you little elfin barbarian. Get the horns up!

Thanks for Nothing ABC...

In the midst of a Lost Lovefest, trust ABC to be killjoys for people who enjoy good comedy. Despite the fact that there are two major holes in their Wednesday night comedy block - c'mon, do we really need a repeat of The Middle kicking off the night? And Cougar Town? A stupid idea executed with all of the subtlety of Gob Bluth after six or seven forget me nows - ABC officially killed off Better Off Ted this week. It was only one of the best comedies on television, the writing, acting, and casting were all top notch. And it doesn't even get to air all of their episodes. Dumb....

And a big screw you to Fox as well, their studio actually makes the show.... but they would rather air shit like Sons of Tucson. Makes no sense to me. Oh well, I guess I just have to wait for Portia to make another hilarious show that no one else watches.

Just for Kicks

See what I did there? When former guitar god Edward Van Halen came out with a line of shoes recently, I was disgusted. These shoes are ugly and really, who is his audience anymore? A bunch of 40 year-old men? A 40 year old man wearing these things should get punched in the face. Anyway, why bring this piece of old news up? Because I saw these for the first time today:






Now, I know what you are thinking, these are the second ugliest shoes ever to appear on this blog. And I would have to agree with you, but damnit if I just don't love them anyway. I would never own them, but I am jealous of those who would throw on their Dharma jumpsuit and lace these babies up.

No, they wouldn't be able to wear them to work, fry grease would mess them up, but they would provide killer traction for climbing those basement steps...

Don't Give a Damn

I'm trying to watch Sports Center tonight and instead of highlights and analysis of baseball games or the upcoming NBA semi-finals I get some loser talking about how much heart his horse has followed by a preview of this summer's World Cup. Look, soccer fills an important niche, allowing little kids who cannot afford a ball an opportunity to kick a bundle of rags in the street as well as allowing kids who get cut from basketball to earn a varsity letter. I really just wish the US would not even field a team in this and leave the populace in peace. Instead we'll get all kinds of media coverage and an embarrassing early exit. And then we'll hear about how soccer is the sport of the future in the US, just like they told us when Pele came here and he died of old age before anyone cared.

Soccer just makes me yawn.

"I've already seen Castaway and Gilligan's Island..."

I believe that those were my exact words when the premier of Lost aired oh those many years ago. My sister-in-law was hooked immediately, as were others whom I both knew and respected. I tried watching an episode somewhere in season 2 that seemed to involve a lot of wandering around an island... not exactly hooking me in the process. But really, when Lost first started airing, I was still ridiculously busy coaching several sports at a local high school. Not conducive to catching a television show on a regular basis.

So I missed out on the first season or two of the show, and after that, I couldn't be bothered to try and catch up. At least that is what I thought until last year. The wife and I were talked into giving the show a shot after listening to family and friends rant, rave, and generally act like lunatics about a television show that seemingly only came on for a few months a year. We watched over 100 hours of Lost in about two months, and I'll tell you it was time well spent. So now that the show is coming to a close next Sunday, I thought I'd spend the week posting about my favorite characters, episodes, and explain why I'm not as insane as people like Jeff Jensen.

I am excited to see the end of the show, but I really feel bad for those fans like my sister-in-law. She and her friends have invested so much time and energy into this show that I hope they have enjoyed a ride unlike any of us have ever seen on network television.

Until later...

The One Where Maxim Begins the Death Rattle....

So Maxim magazine put out their latest sexiest woman in the world issue with singer Katy Perry as their Sexiest Woman Alive... Really? I mean, she's not a freak or anything and compared to past winners like Lindsay Lohan and Brittany Spears she really is a goddess... but this is the sexiest woman in the world? She looks great in this picture because her eyes are closed and you cannot see her horrible eye make up style, but no, I don't think so....

This week will be a busy one for the blog as there will be heavy Lost activity, but I will make time for Homer's Haven Sexiest Woman issue to correct the situation... at least in my mind.

14:58

Thank god this freak's time is just about up... I mean c'mon, a bedazzled umpire's mask? That's the best you've got? Just go the hell away. I hope she saved her money.... And before anyone starts talking about her musical acumen, just stop. She's not writing a fugue here, she's just a freakshow who has managed to dupe people into her schtick. Being the uglier, less-talented 2010 version of Madonna is not a good thing.

A Good Moon Rising...

So my wife all of a sudden lost her damn mind and started reading those Twilight books.... I wish I could explain it, but there it is. Anyway, that isn't the point... the point is I've sat through New Moon (the movie) twice in a week. The only thing that makes it even remotely bearable is the fact that Ashley Green is pretty hot. I'm not a big fan of the body painting stuff, but hey, it's my blog and I'll post them if I must to make a point. What's that point? That hot brunettes make everything better.... if they are semi-naked, it is all good.

Don't Taze Me Bro...

Alright bitches, here we go. On Monday a Philadelphia Phillies fan ran onto the field and eluded the police and security for about thirty seconds before an off-duty police officer working the game whipped out his taser and lit him up. Apparently this is controversial. I must admit that I don't understand why.... Is it illegal to run onto the field at a baseball game? Yes. Have people come out of the stands and attacked players before? Yes. Would it make sense to use non-lethal force to stop an self-centered attention whore before he gets hurt or hurts someone else? Yes. All of this makes perfect sense to utilize a taser.

I'm not sure what those who are upset would prefer, a baton-beating? A player going Rick Monday on someone's ass? Or perhaps another Monica Seles? The best part is this kid supposedly texted/called his dad to see what he thought of the idea before he did it. What a good kid, asking dad if he should break the law...

Let's not get crazy and suggest that these people should be shot, but there is nothing wrong with tazing someone up if they get liquored up and stupid. Either way, when it happens again, I just want to see the video.

Get the Rapist Off of the Top...

A continuation of the idea that Kim is embracing her rear...

My wife found her outfit ridiculous, and it is, but quite frankly I can't bring myself to say anything negative about it. The greatest part of all? It gets a rapist off of the top of my blog.

Rothlisraper...

Not a ton of funny in this post, but I had to say something about the recent troubles of Ben Rothlisberger. For those who don't know, Ben is the starting quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers. He has recently been accused of rape, but was not charged due to evidence issues, namely Georgia's rape laws requiring evidence of 'forcible penetration.' So despite bruising and lacerations on the victims genitals, there was not enough to charge Ben. Which is too bad, because the police report is damning. Adding to it, this is not the first time that someone has accused Ben of being a predator and a creep, but this is beginning to show a pattern of behavior.

Why bring this up? Well, where is the outrage in the general public? The NFL outlets are mixed, but I expect that. Society was quick to try and lynch Michael Vick for his actions with the dogs, but Ben rapes women. Without remorse... he should rot in hell, or at least a prison cell somewhere. He'll eventually get to prison, but the sad thing is that he will ruin more lives until that day.

The picture above should have been a mug shot.

Winner?

Isn't this the whore who was on Bret Michaels' show talking about her money and how her amazing looks were going to keep her rich? Didn't she also spend her time denigrating those girls in the house who were strippers, just trying to make ends meet? She is the same whore who got pulled over for a DUI on her way to a strip club where she was working? We have a leader in the clubhouse for biggest loser to be on television wanting to get nasty with a washed up, balding lead vocalist. I thought Daisy was a lock, but I was wrong. Hey Megan, maybe you should have paid attention in Charm School.

A Beautiful Saturday Morning...

1. I'm glad that Kim Kardashian has finally come to grips with her ass. To be a role model for the young girls out there don't you know...

2. I started playing fantasy baseball... Not only am I a massive dork who apparently likes to spend his time obsessed with football, I have now found that I can channel my life-long love of baseball into that nerdyness.

3. Tiger Woods is apparently pissed about his wife wanting to move back to Sweden with his kids. Really? So we are supposed to believe that the love of his kids and family are stronger than his love of skanky whores, money, and golf?

4. Recent tweets by Lindsay Lohan's dad where he's all shirtless and sweaty just reaffirm my belief that when she goes off and kills herself with cocaine and cock that he and his ex-wife should be arrested for murder.

5. I did not know that Robocop was supposed to be symbolic of Christ... I did not know that Christ used an elevator to chop somebody's arms off.



6. Finally, I love the book It and wish that I could hire this guy. It would allow me to terrorize my children and laugh. Maybe I should book him a flight for Eli's birthday. What do you say?

Priorities....

Did anyone catch this article? If you haven't it is just another example of how we are now living in a police state. I mean, who among us hasn't felt that urge to just take care of yourself, even if the you have the kids with you?

Don't judge me damnit...

Color me Crazy...

but Alison Brie is hot. I know it sounds creepy with her playing an 18 year old on Community. She's really 26 so it isn't creepy at all. She might even be hot enough for me to sit through that snoozefest that is Mad Men.

Nah, probably not.

Married to a Monster!

I get that Us magazine needs to sell product. I even understand the unironic use of hyperbole, but this headline on the current issue, exploiting, I mean exposing Jesse James' infidelities is a bit much. Is Jesse James a piece of shit? Of course, but I knew that before this latest round of Celebrity Cheater. Is Jesse James a racist? Look at the artwork associated with his business... no shock here. Is he an adulterous bastard with no taste? Just look at the skanks he has been banging. Just because from a chromosomally female human smiles at you doesn't mean you have to have sex with her Jesse. Anyway, to recap, Jesse James is a racist, adulterous, piece of shit bastard. But a monster? Jeffery Dahmer was a monster. Hitler was a monster. Ted Bundy was a monster, Jesse just can't keep his shit in his pants. Let's not go too crazy...remember, words mean something.

Oscar WTF?

Okay K-Rock, I was looking for pictures of SJP and all I could find was this horrible picture of Molly Ringwald. I know that we are all getting older, but what the hell happened to her face? She was never the best looking girl, but damn... I think that you can find her doppelganger hanging out under a bridge, threatening goats. Careful folks, this image is large, click at your own risk...

Old School Rules...

I was lamenting the pathetic state of my blog a week or so ago to the wife. I was telling her that I just didn't feel like I had much to say at the time, but then she reminded me that the Oscars were that weekend. At first I told her that I didn't care, due to the fact that I cannot spend four hours watching someone masturbate, unless she's really hot, but then I realized that I could make fun of these self-important bastards for their shitty taste in clothes, scripts, and general approach to life. Again, I was saddened due to the relative pathetic-ness that my life has come to, until I saw this photo of Bar Rafaeli at some Oscar party. I'm not going to make fun of Bar, but something about this photo did prompt me to comment.

I know that some of the lady readers of the blog don't find Bar all that attractive, which I guess I can understand since most of them are heterosexual (I'd say all, but who really knows....). Trust me on this ladies, hot Isreali swimsuit models aren't so common that they can be dismissed out of hand. Anyway, the thing I love about this picture is that in an age of orange spray-tanned, interchangeable starlets, someone was willing to be photographed in Hollywood with old school tan-lines. Which for some reason I found awesome. The next thing you know, a mid-to-late 30's actress will be photographed without recent Botox injections, and people everywhere will run screaming at the sight of a plastic, coked-out Nicole Kidman, much to the chagrin of that Dr. 90210 asshole. At least that is what I hope anyway.

Letters, we get letters, we get stacks and stacks of letters...

I didn't want to have to do this, especially because it was suggested by Anamika, but I have had to moderate the comments on the blog due to the ridiculous amount of spam that I was starting to get. I don't quite get it, I understand spamming a site that gets traffic, but my blog? Stupidity. Anyway, I won't be not publishing any comments, just filtering out the ads for pills that make my genitalia grow, because I'm just a pawn of the pharmasuitical industry.

(I was only joking Anamika... kinda)

I Don't Think Anyone Had Merlin Olsen Either...

But the only good ending that can come from this is if Conrad Dobler goes and has his picture taken at Merlin's grave... Who's laughing now Father Murphy?

PS - If you don't know the story, then ask the Vanilla Gorilla...

I Cannot Believe Nobody Picked Cory Haim

This was so obvious in hindsight.... Especially since Cory was apparently getting his freak on with Daisy de la Hoya. I guess I understand his drug issues now, along with his loss of the will to live.

Up-Chuck

Well the new season of Chuck is here and quite frankly, I'm not sure if I'm sold yet. They have to find a way to get past Chuck being such a buffoon. I know he has the Matrix in his head, I mean Intersect, but his inability to access it unless he is in some sort of zone is becoming retarded. About mid-season last year, Chuck had become the least interesting character on the show, which is a horrible sign, but the end of last year had me thinking positively about season 3. Not sure yet, but what I am sure is that Sarah, played by Yvonne Strahovski, is still in fantastic shape. They have returned to the season one premise that Sarah needs to be semi-naked in each episode, which is a great turn of events.

The only problem with Yvonne as a sex symbol is that when they cast her against people like Angie Harmon we see her limitations. But I guess she'll do in a pinch.

I Need Your Help, You Walking Cock Cozy

This is kind of referring to back to a previous posting about television shows I love, but will ultimately be cancelled. These are excerpts from a recent episode of Better Off Ted, in which employees were encouraged to use offensive language in their interactions with each other. The clip is extremely not safe for the little ones or people with no sense of humor. The episode was funny, but it is a lot of fun to see these guys really go for it for these out-takes that had NO hope of being aired.

To Hell with the Devil!

Not just a bitchin' album by Stryper, but is apparently the new lament of the thousands of Haitians who were killed, injured, or displaced by an earthquake this week. At least that's Pat Robertson's take on the natural disaster. Robertson says that the quake is a result of Haitians making a deal with Satan to get free of the French in the 1800's. That is awesome. I guess those Haitians just didn't care about their great-great-great-great grandchildren. Selfish bastards. I want to know what exactly Pat Robertson had to promise him so that anyone would give a flying shit about what he says. The next time that Pat Robertson exhibits a shred of humanity and compassion will be the first. I'll fall on the grenade here folks, I'll offer up my soul to Satan just to ensure that Pat Robertson spends his eternity next to two gay lovers ramming into each other like wildebeests rooting around for that last stalk of grass on the savannah.

I'm pretty sure that's what Kim Kardashian had to do... It's working for her.

Avatar

Here is a VanBlogger-style hit and run:

Apparently there is a new crisis arising out of the Avatar phenomenon. Some people are contemplating suicide due to the fact that they cannot live in that mythical Pandora-world. I have some simple, home-spun advice for those folks. Come closer and pay attention:

Cut vertical and cut deep you twits.

Homer

The Kiss of Death

So today the bride uttered words that no one ever wants to hear, that in many ways I am like my father. That hurt. Although to be honest, I say the equivalent to her often, because she is like her mother. But anyway, I am not here to talk about my feelings... what I am here to talk about is one way that I am similar to my father that just irks and saddens me.

My father likes bad food. He is the opposite of a foodie and as long as there is salt on the table he’s fine. He likes bad restaurants and most telling, when he finds a restaurant that he really likes, he goes there with a passion that is unholy. He insists that the family go there and when they aren’t as impressed with it he blithely ignores it. Ultimately, my father’s unquestioning love for a restaurant is the kiss of death for that establishment. There have been several examples over the years that once my father finds and loves a restaurant, it goes out of business or moves. It is axiomatic. And I am beginning to feel that I share that kiss of death with my father.

I like television. I shouldn’t, it has become obvious to me that television cuts heavily into my productive time, but damn, I love it. Unfortunately, it seems that once I find a show that I really like, it just doesn’t seem to have that wide appeal that allows for a long-lasting show. Arrested Development is the perfect example of this, as it remains the greatest television comedy today, yet the audience never found it. So Arrested Development went away after two and half years. Other shows fit the bill as well, and I am now perversely afraid to buy into a show too much, because I don’t have faith it will last past my finding it. I am hoping that I am wrong, as I love several new shows, Modern Family being my current favorite. I hope for Sophia Vergara’s sake that the show lasts for a while. At least long enough for me to stop feeling like my dad.

Dead Pool 2010

All right, here are the Dead Pool lists. Remember, this isn’t just for fun; this is for a 12 pack of your favorite beverage. I decided not to give K-Rock any points for Brittany Murphy, but she does get the tie-breaker advantage for it. Good luck you ghouls...

The Vanilla Gorilla

1. Terrance Trent D'Arby

2. Gary Coleman

3. Pope Benedict (God's Rottweiler)

4. Justice Ginsberg

5. Muhammad Ali

6. Macho Man Randy Savage

7. Tom Arnold

8. Wilford Brimley

9. Micky Dolenz

10. Queen Elizabeth

K-Rock

1. Tom Sizemore

2. Lindsy Lohan

3. Andy Griffith

4. Amy Winehouse
5. Ethan Zohn

6. Bryant Gumbel

7. George Michael

8. Mickey Rooney

9. Elizabeth Taylor

10. Charlotte Rae

Nay

1. Penny Marshall

2. Michael J. Fox

3. Whitney Houston

4. Kirk Douglas

5. Mickey Rooney

6. Robin Williams

7. BB King

8. Keith Richards

9. Harrison Ford

10. Amy Winehouse

Sheri Beri

1. Lindsay Lohan

2. Elizabeth Taylor

3. Sherrif Joe Arpio

4. Courtney Love

5. Kelli Osborn

6. Perez Hilton

7. Clint Eastwood

8. Charlie Sheen

9. Lauren Hill

10. Tila Tequila

Care Bear

1) Paul McCartney

2) Owen Wilson

3) Al McCoy

4) Stephen King

5) David Cassidy

6) Glen Campbell

7) Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson

8) Li'l Wayne

9) Samantha Ronson

10) Betty White

Homer (Please note: I changed a couple of mine due to them already being taken. Nobody is dead yet so I feel it is fair game. Let me know if you disagree...)

1. Abe Vigoda

2. Hugh Hefner

3. Larry King

4. Scott Weiland

5. Kanye West

6. Rush Limbaugh

7. Brooke Mueller
8. Kristen Stewart

9. Michael J. Fox

10. Urban Meyers

Band of Badasses is more like it...

So the bride got me the blu-ray Band of Brothers discs for Christmas and all I can say is wow. As kick-ass as these are I just keep waiting for Nixon to tell Winters or Sobol that he's just too tired to care.

Boredom...

I'm hella bored. I just wanted to state it for the record. I could clean, write, or do any number of different things. Instead, I'm going to complain. There, I feel better now.

A Few Things...

1. Damnit... I blame my mother for the fact that I end up watching The Sound of Music when it is on television. It is almost as gay as watching Can't Stop the Music, but without the need to search out Marisa Miller pictures to cleanse the eyes.

2. Insurance companies piss me off. I haven't had any problems with mine, but the onslaught of commercials talking about how so-and-so's customers switched and saved are just irritating me. No shit, Progressive's customers who switched to Allstate saved some bank, otherwise why would the switch? Just because the fictional US president is their spokesman? Stupid marketing people...

3. The Indianapolis Colts are quitters. After their tank job today, I am actively rooting against Indianapolis. Screw all those funny Peyton Manning commercials too...

4. I had a long post written about going to see Y&T a few weeks back in Tempe (for those who don't know, Y&T is a Bay Area hard rock band from the 80's). I'll summarize, they have always been, and continue to be, a fantastic live band. I first saw them in 1986 at the Cotati Cabaret and have seen them probably a dozen times since. Seeing them at Club Red didn't make me feel 16 again, but it certainly reminded me what it was like.

5. I'm putting together the Dead Pool entries, so if you want to participate post 'em up before the first and I'll get it set up. I still think K-Rock should get some points for calling Brittany Murphy's demise. Too bad she couldn't wait just a few weeks to kick off.

6. I'm trying to get my report night topic together for Friday. I'm still not sure what it will be about, but it will ROCK the house, I can assure you.



7. Tara Reid is in the new issue of Playboy. I think that this may actually be the second time they've put an animated character on the cover in the past few months. I know that a certain level of air-brushing is the norm, but if this picture is any indicator of what they did to this girl, they might as well just go compete with Pixar. If Pixar had herpes.

Open

Wow, did this blog turn pornographic or what? I just wanted to jot a couple of ideas about Andre Agassi's new book Open down, and get some of the boobs off the top of the page. For those of you living under a rock, Andre Agassi just released an autobiography where he admits to tanking games, taking crystal meth, and hating tennis. It has been sensationalized to send the book market and tennis world into a frenzy. Other players are telling Andre to shut up, that he's disgracing the sport, and that he should forfeit his titles and his money. Is the controversy valid, or is the story of Andre Agassi a valid exercise in storytelling?

I'll get more up about this book soon...

End of the Line

Merry Christmas VG. This is the final post of the Marisa Miller Picture of the Day, so hopefully VG can start having two hands free to type soon.

Homer's Four-some

I'm feeling a might peckish...




1. The Christmas season his here, kinda, and it is time to start putting together Christmas lists. Here are a few things I want for Christmas:

a. No more Tiger news.

b. No more Facebook polls asking if I want to keep the Christ in Christmas. Here’s a brief lesson: Christmas was an adoption of the pagan Saturnalia. That is where the Yule log and other traditions come from. Why do I care if we keep Christ’s birthday in some arbitrary place? If you really have your panties in a wad about the ‘true meaning’ of Christmas, go work in a soup kitchen helping the needy after you go put some pagans to the sword.

c. If fact, how ‘bout we eliminate Facebook polls, updates about someone’s daily message from God, and some random Fortune cookie predictions from my live news feed altogether? I liked Facebook better when it was called personal interaction.

d. More good television. In other words, add Jay Leno and all of those dance competition judges to the unemployment lines. Just take Mario Lopez out in the hall and ‘eliminate’ him.

e. More Kate Beckinsale photos. True story: I was in Barnes and Noble with the bride and the Sexiest Woman in the World issue of Esquire was on display. It took quite a bit of time to find the three pictures of Kate in the magazine. Why would anyone buy that crap? If you are going to produce a PR campaign based on her selection, at least put her in the magazine where it doesn’t take two people twenty minutes to find the pictures. There were plenty of shots of dudes who looked like Ashton Willis pimping underwear and facial moisturizers in the mag. I would have bought the issue, but it seemed like a waste of time (of course this would have required the purchase of the Men’s Health magazine with Jason Bateman on the cover, but I was comfortable with that trade).

f. Intravenous Diet Coke. Eliminate the having to drink this ambrosia, just get it directly into my veins.

g. Some clarification as to whether or not Jon Bon Jovi was joking when he titled his new book When We Were Beautiful. Really? He must have had one too many nights where he wanted to bank Richie Sambora...

h. Shauna Sand Explained, which is not a the title of some film capturing the sexual escapades of a Hollywood starlet that was stolen and released without her consent. It is a web-based apology by Lorenzo Lamas detailing how this vacuous attention whore has managed to terrify America without drawing the ire of the Department of Homeland Security.

2. Tiger’s mother-in-law went to the hostpital. Why was this news all over my sports-talk dial this morning? Have we sunk that low? Apparently we have, because in addition to this news we received the nugget that Tiger likes to ride bareback when with Tool Academy skanks and quasi-porn stars (I’m not disputing that the woman in question has been the main actress in some porn production, but if I don’t know her name, she doesn’t qualify as a ‘star’). Smart move El Tigre.... did he really get into Stanford? Even the frat losers at UA/ASU know better than that.

3. Lindsay Lohan is back in the news for her controversial new photographs. All I can say is wow. This is the same girl who turned down several offers from Playboy (allegedly) for big money to get naked. Then she turns around does nudes for the New Yorker and now shooting straight porn for Muse (whatever the hell that is) for nothing. Either she is all about the art, or she needs to get off of the coke so she can make some decent business decisions. If you are going to whore yourself out, at least get paid, I mean Shauna Sand is making more than her at this point.

4. Oprah finally decided to hang it up. Good. One less pretentious jerk on the airwaves. I say for a finale, she covers Tyra Banks in nutella and whipped cream and eats her. It would be for the greater good. And you just know that once Harpo is out of the public eye, she's gonna blimp up anyway, so why not? (oh yeah, Steadman's gonna die: he's on my list once Oprah is home 24/7/365)

Death!

No, Marisa isn't dead or dying... this is just a reminder about the 2010 Dead Pool.

Once again, here are the rules:

1. Each participant must submit a list of 10 celebrities numbered from 1-10 by the deadline of December 31st, 2009.

Please post your list in this format. It makes for easier sorting and checking.

EXAMPLE LIST:

1. Celebrity #1
2. Celebrity #2
3. Celebrity #3
4. Celebrity #4
5. Celebrity #5
6. Celebrity #6
7. Celebrity #7
8. Celebrity #8
9. Celebrity #9
10. Celebrity #10


SCORING EXPLANATION:

1. Each pick this year is worth 100 points minus their age.
Example: If your pick dies at age 67, you will recieve 33 points. If they die at 33, you will recive 67 points.

2. The game will begin on January 1st, 2010, and end on December 31st, 2010.

3. The celebrity must have achieved their level of fame themselves. It's not enough to be related to a celebrity.

4. Executions don't count. People on death-row are not eligable at all.

5. They must be famous for something OTHER than the fact that they haven't died already. The individual has to have had some level of fame BEFORE they got old and/or sick.

6. Only real humans allowed. No fictional characters, no companies, no fads/concepts, no governments, no animals. How much clearer do I need to be?

Prizes will be ..

A twelve pack of Diet Coke(or whatever it is you drink) and the respect and admiration of your peers.

What Would Tiger Do?

Obviously the answer if 'fornicate.' I'd say adulterate, but that has a competely different meaning. Anyway, I just wanted to weigh in on the scandal, not because I care about Tiger Woods, but I do have some thoughts about the concepts of love, marriage, and fidelity. For those of you who don't know, I have been married to a wonderful woman for a long time. I can speak to marriage and the challenges that it presents to the people involved. That isn't going to be very helpful, or very entertaining, so I'd rather talk about what I don't know, the Tiger Woods lifestyle.

You rarely see successful marriages among famous people for a very simple reason: they are rarely together. I know I'm playing generalizing armchair psychotherapist here, but really if you are living in hotels away from your family for half of the year, you are going to find yourself with a ton of free time, millions of dollars, and a sense of entitlement in that no one in your life tells you no. Then you end up railing some loser whose appeared on Tool Academy. I'm not really sure where to go with that. All I can say is that if you are going to cheat on your wife, there are acceptable ways to make this happen (see Brangelina), and then there is the Glen Close/Fatal Attraction/strippers and whore action way which is apparently what Tiger decided to do. Good for him...it just good that he's used to putting his balls into holes that are significantly bigger and occasionally have flags planted in them.

Sunny Day! (MM Photo of the Day)

Even though it is cold and rainy outside, it is often important to find little rays of sunshine where you can. Like that one that follows Marisa Miller around.

On another serious note, it is time to start gathering up ideas for the 2010 Death Pool. I'll repost the rules later today just so there's no questions about next year's winner.

New Feature - Just in time for the Holidays!

I just wanted to make up for the blatant sacrilege of the last post by appeasing the demands of the VG with our new feature: The Marisa Miller Picture of the Day. This will be a limited time engagement, but for the next few days winter will be banished by pictures of Marisa in skimpy clothing. It sounds like a plan to me...

The Vanilla Gorilla

I know that some members of my reading audience are clamoring for more Marissa Miller pictures, and I will get around to that eventually, but I thought I'd stay current with Peta's new ads featuring Joanna Krupa. I know they are crazy, but when they present their arguments against buying new puppies in such logical detail, I just cannot refute them. I'm just afraid that if the Catholic church starts using this advertising technique, I'm converting. Today.

I will try and make it up to the world by eating KFC for at least a week.

Holy Diver!

I know that Ronnie James Dio's persona is kinda funky. I know that his dragons and sorcery lyrics can be laughable. But damnit I loved his music growing up. Anyway, I just wanted to show a little Dio love (see what I did there? He's like 5'3") due to the announcement that he is battling stomach cancer. If only it were as easy to slay as one of his dragons.

Twilight in the Reich...

It seems an odd thought, the idea that the Twilight series of books and movies could replace Nazis as the most unfortunate by-product of Eastern European culture, but I think I'm going to go there. We live in a world where we are always proclaiming the latest to be the greatest, that it only makes sense that we need to find a new source of evil. Namely, Stephanie Meyers and her minions.

I have been watching some new WWII documentaries on television lately (have you ever noticed how many of my rambling ideas are prompted by my television viewing habits? It is more than a little sad) and it saddens me to think of all of the horrible things that we do to each other in the name of hate. The world would be a better place without it, but then I see a New Moon commercial and I endure a visceral reaction that makes me want to throw a brick through my HDTV. Seriously, you know that we have a database that contains the names of people who have purchased this crap. We need to stop them from propagating their lack of literary taste onto a new generation.

Even beyond the abomination that the books are, the movies are even more of an affront to decency. Multiply mediocre storytelling, inane plotting, and actors so unlikable that they could take up all of the spaces in the celebrity car crash and you end up with a shit-sandwich that even Gene Simmons couldn't pimp.

Sorry, I just had to rant and didn't want to try to explain why I haven't posted anything lately.

Look ma, no boobs!