Boredom...

I'm hella bored. I just wanted to state it for the record. I could clean, write, or do any number of different things. Instead, I'm going to complain. There, I feel better now.

A Few Things...

1. Damnit... I blame my mother for the fact that I end up watching The Sound of Music when it is on television. It is almost as gay as watching Can't Stop the Music, but without the need to search out Marisa Miller pictures to cleanse the eyes.

2. Insurance companies piss me off. I haven't had any problems with mine, but the onslaught of commercials talking about how so-and-so's customers switched and saved are just irritating me. No shit, Progressive's customers who switched to Allstate saved some bank, otherwise why would the switch? Just because the fictional US president is their spokesman? Stupid marketing people...

3. The Indianapolis Colts are quitters. After their tank job today, I am actively rooting against Indianapolis. Screw all those funny Peyton Manning commercials too...

4. I had a long post written about going to see Y&T a few weeks back in Tempe (for those who don't know, Y&T is a Bay Area hard rock band from the 80's). I'll summarize, they have always been, and continue to be, a fantastic live band. I first saw them in 1986 at the Cotati Cabaret and have seen them probably a dozen times since. Seeing them at Club Red didn't make me feel 16 again, but it certainly reminded me what it was like.

5. I'm putting together the Dead Pool entries, so if you want to participate post 'em up before the first and I'll get it set up. I still think K-Rock should get some points for calling Brittany Murphy's demise. Too bad she couldn't wait just a few weeks to kick off.

6. I'm trying to get my report night topic together for Friday. I'm still not sure what it will be about, but it will ROCK the house, I can assure you.



7. Tara Reid is in the new issue of Playboy. I think that this may actually be the second time they've put an animated character on the cover in the past few months. I know that a certain level of air-brushing is the norm, but if this picture is any indicator of what they did to this girl, they might as well just go compete with Pixar. If Pixar had herpes.

Open

Wow, did this blog turn pornographic or what? I just wanted to jot a couple of ideas about Andre Agassi's new book Open down, and get some of the boobs off the top of the page. For those of you living under a rock, Andre Agassi just released an autobiography where he admits to tanking games, taking crystal meth, and hating tennis. It has been sensationalized to send the book market and tennis world into a frenzy. Other players are telling Andre to shut up, that he's disgracing the sport, and that he should forfeit his titles and his money. Is the controversy valid, or is the story of Andre Agassi a valid exercise in storytelling?

I'll get more up about this book soon...

End of the Line

Merry Christmas VG. This is the final post of the Marisa Miller Picture of the Day, so hopefully VG can start having two hands free to type soon.

Homer's Four-some

I'm feeling a might peckish...




1. The Christmas season his here, kinda, and it is time to start putting together Christmas lists. Here are a few things I want for Christmas:

a. No more Tiger news.

b. No more Facebook polls asking if I want to keep the Christ in Christmas. Here’s a brief lesson: Christmas was an adoption of the pagan Saturnalia. That is where the Yule log and other traditions come from. Why do I care if we keep Christ’s birthday in some arbitrary place? If you really have your panties in a wad about the ‘true meaning’ of Christmas, go work in a soup kitchen helping the needy after you go put some pagans to the sword.

c. If fact, how ‘bout we eliminate Facebook polls, updates about someone’s daily message from God, and some random Fortune cookie predictions from my live news feed altogether? I liked Facebook better when it was called personal interaction.

d. More good television. In other words, add Jay Leno and all of those dance competition judges to the unemployment lines. Just take Mario Lopez out in the hall and ‘eliminate’ him.

e. More Kate Beckinsale photos. True story: I was in Barnes and Noble with the bride and the Sexiest Woman in the World issue of Esquire was on display. It took quite a bit of time to find the three pictures of Kate in the magazine. Why would anyone buy that crap? If you are going to produce a PR campaign based on her selection, at least put her in the magazine where it doesn’t take two people twenty minutes to find the pictures. There were plenty of shots of dudes who looked like Ashton Willis pimping underwear and facial moisturizers in the mag. I would have bought the issue, but it seemed like a waste of time (of course this would have required the purchase of the Men’s Health magazine with Jason Bateman on the cover, but I was comfortable with that trade).

f. Intravenous Diet Coke. Eliminate the having to drink this ambrosia, just get it directly into my veins.

g. Some clarification as to whether or not Jon Bon Jovi was joking when he titled his new book When We Were Beautiful. Really? He must have had one too many nights where he wanted to bank Richie Sambora...

h. Shauna Sand Explained, which is not a the title of some film capturing the sexual escapades of a Hollywood starlet that was stolen and released without her consent. It is a web-based apology by Lorenzo Lamas detailing how this vacuous attention whore has managed to terrify America without drawing the ire of the Department of Homeland Security.

2. Tiger’s mother-in-law went to the hostpital. Why was this news all over my sports-talk dial this morning? Have we sunk that low? Apparently we have, because in addition to this news we received the nugget that Tiger likes to ride bareback when with Tool Academy skanks and quasi-porn stars (I’m not disputing that the woman in question has been the main actress in some porn production, but if I don’t know her name, she doesn’t qualify as a ‘star’). Smart move El Tigre.... did he really get into Stanford? Even the frat losers at UA/ASU know better than that.

3. Lindsay Lohan is back in the news for her controversial new photographs. All I can say is wow. This is the same girl who turned down several offers from Playboy (allegedly) for big money to get naked. Then she turns around does nudes for the New Yorker and now shooting straight porn for Muse (whatever the hell that is) for nothing. Either she is all about the art, or she needs to get off of the coke so she can make some decent business decisions. If you are going to whore yourself out, at least get paid, I mean Shauna Sand is making more than her at this point.

4. Oprah finally decided to hang it up. Good. One less pretentious jerk on the airwaves. I say for a finale, she covers Tyra Banks in nutella and whipped cream and eats her. It would be for the greater good. And you just know that once Harpo is out of the public eye, she's gonna blimp up anyway, so why not? (oh yeah, Steadman's gonna die: he's on my list once Oprah is home 24/7/365)

Death!

No, Marisa isn't dead or dying... this is just a reminder about the 2010 Dead Pool.

Once again, here are the rules:

1. Each participant must submit a list of 10 celebrities numbered from 1-10 by the deadline of December 31st, 2009.

Please post your list in this format. It makes for easier sorting and checking.

EXAMPLE LIST:

1. Celebrity #1
2. Celebrity #2
3. Celebrity #3
4. Celebrity #4
5. Celebrity #5
6. Celebrity #6
7. Celebrity #7
8. Celebrity #8
9. Celebrity #9
10. Celebrity #10


SCORING EXPLANATION:

1. Each pick this year is worth 100 points minus their age.
Example: If your pick dies at age 67, you will recieve 33 points. If they die at 33, you will recive 67 points.

2. The game will begin on January 1st, 2010, and end on December 31st, 2010.

3. The celebrity must have achieved their level of fame themselves. It's not enough to be related to a celebrity.

4. Executions don't count. People on death-row are not eligable at all.

5. They must be famous for something OTHER than the fact that they haven't died already. The individual has to have had some level of fame BEFORE they got old and/or sick.

6. Only real humans allowed. No fictional characters, no companies, no fads/concepts, no governments, no animals. How much clearer do I need to be?

Prizes will be ..

A twelve pack of Diet Coke(or whatever it is you drink) and the respect and admiration of your peers.

What Would Tiger Do?

Obviously the answer if 'fornicate.' I'd say adulterate, but that has a competely different meaning. Anyway, I just wanted to weigh in on the scandal, not because I care about Tiger Woods, but I do have some thoughts about the concepts of love, marriage, and fidelity. For those of you who don't know, I have been married to a wonderful woman for a long time. I can speak to marriage and the challenges that it presents to the people involved. That isn't going to be very helpful, or very entertaining, so I'd rather talk about what I don't know, the Tiger Woods lifestyle.

You rarely see successful marriages among famous people for a very simple reason: they are rarely together. I know I'm playing generalizing armchair psychotherapist here, but really if you are living in hotels away from your family for half of the year, you are going to find yourself with a ton of free time, millions of dollars, and a sense of entitlement in that no one in your life tells you no. Then you end up railing some loser whose appeared on Tool Academy. I'm not really sure where to go with that. All I can say is that if you are going to cheat on your wife, there are acceptable ways to make this happen (see Brangelina), and then there is the Glen Close/Fatal Attraction/strippers and whore action way which is apparently what Tiger decided to do. Good for him...it just good that he's used to putting his balls into holes that are significantly bigger and occasionally have flags planted in them.

Sunny Day! (MM Photo of the Day)

Even though it is cold and rainy outside, it is often important to find little rays of sunshine where you can. Like that one that follows Marisa Miller around.

On another serious note, it is time to start gathering up ideas for the 2010 Death Pool. I'll repost the rules later today just so there's no questions about next year's winner.

New Feature - Just in time for the Holidays!

I just wanted to make up for the blatant sacrilege of the last post by appeasing the demands of the VG with our new feature: The Marisa Miller Picture of the Day. This will be a limited time engagement, but for the next few days winter will be banished by pictures of Marisa in skimpy clothing. It sounds like a plan to me...

The Vanilla Gorilla

I know that some members of my reading audience are clamoring for more Marissa Miller pictures, and I will get around to that eventually, but I thought I'd stay current with Peta's new ads featuring Joanna Krupa. I know they are crazy, but when they present their arguments against buying new puppies in such logical detail, I just cannot refute them. I'm just afraid that if the Catholic church starts using this advertising technique, I'm converting. Today.

I will try and make it up to the world by eating KFC for at least a week.

Holy Diver!

I know that Ronnie James Dio's persona is kinda funky. I know that his dragons and sorcery lyrics can be laughable. But damnit I loved his music growing up. Anyway, I just wanted to show a little Dio love (see what I did there? He's like 5'3") due to the announcement that he is battling stomach cancer. If only it were as easy to slay as one of his dragons.

Twilight in the Reich...

It seems an odd thought, the idea that the Twilight series of books and movies could replace Nazis as the most unfortunate by-product of Eastern European culture, but I think I'm going to go there. We live in a world where we are always proclaiming the latest to be the greatest, that it only makes sense that we need to find a new source of evil. Namely, Stephanie Meyers and her minions.

I have been watching some new WWII documentaries on television lately (have you ever noticed how many of my rambling ideas are prompted by my television viewing habits? It is more than a little sad) and it saddens me to think of all of the horrible things that we do to each other in the name of hate. The world would be a better place without it, but then I see a New Moon commercial and I endure a visceral reaction that makes me want to throw a brick through my HDTV. Seriously, you know that we have a database that contains the names of people who have purchased this crap. We need to stop them from propagating their lack of literary taste onto a new generation.

Even beyond the abomination that the books are, the movies are even more of an affront to decency. Multiply mediocre storytelling, inane plotting, and actors so unlikable that they could take up all of the spaces in the celebrity car crash and you end up with a shit-sandwich that even Gene Simmons couldn't pimp.

Sorry, I just had to rant and didn't want to try to explain why I haven't posted anything lately.

Look ma, no boobs!

Sarah Jessica Parker on lead vox

Just for you Eric...

In the Beginning...

I love the 70's and early 80's music videos. They are so terrible that they are hilarious. I know that this video does not reach the level of Apache, but it is right up there on the unintentional comedy scale. I actually think that this video ruins the song for me, as I used to really enjoy the song, but this image will be stuck in my head with the song from now on. Oh well, I never listen to AC/DC anymore so I will be able to handle it...

The Sport of Kings

Now, I'm not saying that I find Sarah Jessica Parker horse-like, but I am saying that when she appears on my television or computer I find myself wondering what ever happened to Seabiscuit. If there is one actress in Hollywood that should stay far away from any thing that is sexually suggestive it is SJP. Unless she's going to make human/equine snuff films....

You know that there is a market for that shit...

Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare?

You know there are far worse things in this world than growing old. Melanie Griffith has been going under the knife for decades now, trying to escape the natural aging process. Guess what? She failed. All she can do now is star in zombie features, which luckily for her, are making a comeback. The top picture does in fact prove that despite the fact that Melanie is moving around, she is in fact, already dead.

I was half surprised to find no pictures of Melanie trying to crack Stallone's skull open, but then again, there is still time...

Halloween is Coming! Bring on the Freaks!

So I did this on the Van Blogger years ago and I thought it was time to bring it back. Here's today's celebrity ghoul. Stallone's been around long enough to know that combining Winstrol and a plastic surgeon using plastic utensils is not a good idea. Apparently his face froze when the Australian government told him it was illegal to carry around a case full of human growth hormone. In all probability Stallone's face would look better if he had been taking Rocky's beatings for all of those years. Luckily for us, he has to cycle up again for the shooting of a new Rambo movie next year, the announcement of which set off a celebration among steroid mules from Tijuana to Barstow.

Curious...

I was wondering why Pamela Anderson has a picture of her junk over her face?

Let them eat cake...

No, I'm not going to ramble on about the French, but rather about this new phenomenon of holding contests for everything. They are now having open auditions to become the new Victoria's Secret model. You only are going to be standing around in your unmentionables with the afore-posted Marisa Miller and Miss Ambrosio. If whomever they pick doesn't have an eating disorder now, they will...

Good luck with that.

No Particular Reason

Just to get Lilith off of the banner, here is Marisa Miller, who is obviously so destitute that she cannot afford a top or pants that fit properly. Oh well.

Anyway, starting tomorrow it we are going to start our Halloween Countdown with some of the most terrifying, nightmare inducing celebrity photos I can find. So prepare yourself....

The Return of Lilith

Here you go Kristin, this is from the first season of Frasier...

Kirk Cameron vs. Charles Darwin



Crazy Kirk Cameron has launched himself back into the public arena with a long, nonsensical screed against ivory tower academia and the long-dead, controversial Charles Darwin. The video explains how Darwin and his theories gave rise to Hitler and how the godless communist/socialists are currently putting on their designer brownshirts and hobnailed boots in their pursuit of non-believers and their rights. Additionally, Kirk takes college professors of science to task for their apparently high levels of atheism, although due to the shaky logic on exhibit, I’d like to see the studies for that claim.

Kirk and his partner Ray Comfort (which for some reason reminds me of the name Joe Comforte, of Mustang Ranch fame) have a plan to change all of that. Their plan is to unleash a new edition of Darwin’s Origin of the Species with an all-new 50 page forward that explains, using Biblical Intelligent Design principles, where Darwin was wrong. I’m sure that the prose will be scintillating, but there is an inherent flaw with Cameron and company’s plan. That is no one, and I mean no one actually reads the Origin of Species anymore in the field of science. I had to read a selection from it in an undergrad English class once, and it was putrid. Either way, I cannot imagine that dumping 50,000 copies of this tripe onto college campuses across the land is going to do anything other than give the volunteers a chance to engage in ice cream socials with the local co-eds.

What I’d pay good money to see actually is an old school MTV Celebrity Death Match between Cameron and Darwin. I’m sure that after watching these two buffoons slap at each other for a few minutes, good ol’ Mills Lane would hit them both with a sledgehammer, allowing us to all be the winners for once.

God Hates Us All

is not just a great album title from Slayer, but it is the reality of life for humanity in the year 2009. I can say this with certainty, because the hot rumor going around is that a screenwriter is shopping a sequel to the Paul Verhoven classic Showgirls. Now, I love trashy movies as much as the next person, but let's face it, Showgirls reached levels of putridity that are rarely approached. If they are going to produce a sequel, it must at least be comparable; I demand that Elizabeth Berkley be involved somehow and Joe Eszterhas write another screed that includes encouraging underaged kids to go see his porn... that is the only way that this will work.

In reality, I sincerely hope that whatever anal herpes that Mike Myers has been afflicted with after the Love Guru fiasco be visited upon whatever film-makers work on this abomination.

Really?

Under what circumstances are these shirts even marketable? What's next the New Moon vibrator/dildo collection? I understand that these books are important to that segment of the population that doesn't understand that vampires aren't real and that things like character development, dialogue, and coherence are important to the act of storytelling, but c'mon. All these shirts are going to get you is the scorn and derision of the rest of us. Even Jon Gosselin thinks they are tacky and cheap and we all know what kind of fashion maven he is.

Character Assassination

So I'm watching a Frasier episode tonight and I was forcibly reminded about how badly the producers/writers of Cheers and Frasier absolutely screwed up the character of Lilith Sternin Crane. The relationship between Lilith and Frasier was fantastic, two uptight yuppies who were just freaks at heart. It was kismet, but then for some reason (probably Bebe Neuwirth's desire to return to the stage) they threw it in the dumpster in a singularly unbelievable way. I have always hated that story arc because it betrayed who the characters were after so many years. I guess that there isn't really a point to this other than to recognize the responsibility that writers have to their audience. Challenge us, take us in unexpected directions, just don't be cheap about it.

She walks in beauty....

I love Lindsay Lohan. It isn't often when you find a 23 year old woman who looks worse than her skanky whore mother. But that isn't the true beauty of this picture, no what is really special is that just off camera Lindsay is out whoring/drinking with her 15 year old sister. The girl has the healthy glow of a woman of only 45. I can only surmise that when Ali is 23 she'll look like the crypt-keeper.

"I Heard You Missed Us

Well it's good to know that the douchebags at Esquire actually have some taste. It's too bad that they cannot actually take sexy pictures of the beautiful women that they have on their covers. It's good to see Kate getting her due, from what I understand her latest movie sucks worse than a three dollar hooker who needs a fix, so hopefully she can embrace this.

On a better note, this blog will pick back up... I've got some hate to vent, but this is a celebration. Enjoy!

RIP Patrick

Nuff said. I think I'll dial up another viewing of Road House this weekend.... I wonder what God thinks of ripping out the throats of evil bastards? He was probably on the fence until he saw that dude's hair. That shit was an abomination, he brought the throat-ripping on himself.

Fair and Balanced

Ted Kennedy was laid to rest this morning and quite frankly listening to the press and politicians yammer on about how great a man he was and his wonderful achievements made me want to throw up. Nowhere did anyone mention how while he was helping the poor and unfortunate, how he neglected to help Mary Jo Kopechne. Ted Kennedy was a narcissistic piece of shit who rode the coat-tails of more talented, even more vain, brothers.

There you go.

Hold on.... Are you sure?

Did I read this article correctly? How early can I buy tickets? And do the concerns raised at the end of the excerpt even matter? The article is by Carson Reeves, whoever that is...

Black Swan

Genre: Psychological (Supernatural?) Thriller
Premise: A ballerina competes against a rival dancer who may or may not be another version of herself.
About: Black Swan will star drool-worthy starlets Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis and is being helmed by visionary director Darren Aronofsky. Aronofsky originally tried to set up the project in 2007 but Universal put it in turnaround. Thanks to "The Wrestler" doing so well though, Portman twirled onto the project a couple of months ago and everything's been full steam ahead since.
Writer: Mark Heyman (original script by John McLaughlin)

Details: 131 pages - March 25, 2009 draft.Can I just tell you why none of my review matters? Can I just tell you why my review is absolutely pointless?

Because in this movie, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have sex.

Yeah. You read that right. And not just nice sweet innocent sex either. We're talking ecstasy-induced hungry aggressive angry sex. Yeah so...this movie is already on the must-see list of 2010. But how good is it? Does the story that surrounds the sex disappoint or excel?

Quick Question #2

Why did they take a picture of Quentin Tarantino's whore at an Inglorious Bastards (I'm not going to purposely misspell that title, but I cannot be bothered to look it up now, yes I'm that lazy, you should know me well enough by now....) screening? I mean, this is some random, inexpensive 'escort' that somehow reminds Quentin of some random piece of '70's cinema, right? I was under the impression that they made fluffers go in through the back door...

Case Closed

Well, according to Canadian officials, Ryan Jenkins was found today in a hotel, dead of an apparent suicide. He should have just done that initially and saved us, and his unfortunate ex-wife, the trouble. To recap, if you find yourself cast on a television show with a gold-digging wanna-be, consider that your first invitation to end your relationship with this world.

CSI-Homer

So apparently Ryan Jenkins (whose name I had to look up several times so I wouldn't forget it) is quite the criminal mastermind. Jenkins, who parlayed allegedly having sex with a walking STD into a lucrative reality television career, has been charged with murder for killing his stripper, I mean wife. Look, you just woke up from a trip to Vegas, realize you married the whore you blew $5oo on in the Studio 54 knock-off at the MGM. I get it, we've all been there, normal guys just drink enough vodka to black out and hope the girl leaves without stealing your wallet, but that's not a deal breaker.

But a normal guy doesn't kill the lady, chop off her fingers and bust out her teeth like he's in some cut-rate version of The Whole Nine Yards. Luckily for lady justice, Genius Jenkins forgot that his wife had her boobs done at some point and that they each have serial numbers that can be traced on them.

The moral of the story? Outside of avoiding all possible entanglements with anyone and everyone who has ever been on Vh1? That it is better to be safe than sorry ladies, get your boobs done so you can always be identified. Tastefully done, of course. What I really want to know is why a back-up monster from Lilo and Stitch needed a boob-job and was dating a loser like Ryan Jenkins?

Too soon?

WTF

Happened to Dr. Drake's face? And how can we keep it from happening to others? Really, when will these people learn? If you get work done, stay home for about six months so you don't scare little children when you walk down the street. And let's be completely honest, does anyone really look any better after plastic surgery? I mean, there are legit reasons for getting it, but most of the time, the results are just frightening. Jessie's girl isn't going to be interested in someone walking around looking like this and that spider on his shoulder looks like it wants to run away. On the positive side, he can play the easily confused zombie on General Hospital now...

Return of the 5

I haven’t done this in a while, so this should be fun….

1. Michael Douglas’s son is a meth dealer. Look, I can kinda understand people who live in trailers, wanting to escape the pain and drudgery of their pathetic existence by turning to meth and other drugs. I can only imagine the pain of living in a wildly successful acting family, living in the lap of luxury, and having a step-mother so hot she actually starts small fires. It must have been intolerable. Hopefully the justice system can help him deal with his demons and find his own path in life. As the Thursday regular in the shower glory hole.
2. I was shocked to learn today that the British swear more than we do, and are more comfortable with it… those cunts (which apparently means something completely different in England).
3. The Miss Universe pageant is this weekend. All I can say is that there are apparently forty or fifty countries filled with pathetic old people and their inbred cousins.
4. Ass-ton Kutcher escaped a fiery death. Too bad. I guess another sacrifice to the gods is in order. Either that, or I wait for Keanu Reeves' imminent demise.
5. Shakira came out this week talking about how women have animalistic urges, sexually. How she is finding her sexuality liberating and pleasurable. She used to dream about getting married and now she is more interested in procreation. I guess that explains her long-rumored sex tape of her with two guys. Good for her… I guess.
6. I was flipping channels and came across The Whole Nine Yards. Natasha Henstridge was bringing it in that movie… it almost makes up for She Spies. Wait, that was the show with her and two other sexy convicts going undercover (usually in their underwear) to keep America safe? Forget that She Spies rules. . . it almost makes up for the fact she had to do a love scene with Jean-Claude Van Dam.
7. There was a big story today about Lady GaGa’s penis. Good for her. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that it isn’t is big as Chyna’s. DO NOT GOOGLE JOANIE LAURER’S PENIS….THERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU CANNOT UNSEE!!!!!!!
8. And finally, Billy Mays had a Michael Jackson-esque cocktail of drugs in his system when he died. I feel bad that I know about it, and quite frankly, I don’t care. Maybe that is the secret ingredient in Oxy-clean. I wonder if they will have to change the name. . . Oxycontin-Clean?

Quick Question

How many people have had to die for Fergie and Armani to keep fresh skin masks available 24/7? These two scare the hell out of me and every hobo who is in the same zip code these two freaks happen to be in at the time. I'm going to have nightmares now...

Sept. 17

It's on bitches! More promos... well worth the effort of clicking on.

Just Shut Up!

Mike and Mike in the Morning used to have a segment every week called Just Shut Up!, where they nominated people who have said something stupid over the past week to just shut their word-hole. I like the idea so here’s three nominees from the weekend:

1. Lisa Kudrow complained over the weekend about how miserable high school was for her, how she’d cry over not having a boyfriend. She then went on to say how superior she was to all the guys in her high school. Gee, no wonder nobody asked your stupid condescending ass out. How about you do this Lisa, take all of your residual checks you get for being in the right place at the right time, douse them in gasoline and set them and yourself on fire. High school was hard for everyone, even self-important theater freaks. Your fifteen minutes are up, go away.
2. Trina Thompson is a New York City ex-college student suing her college for her $70,000 in tuition money back because she can’t get a job. So are the $70,000 in student loans going to be more or less than the legal fees she’s incurring in a frivolous lawsuit?
3. U2 singer Bono recently admitted that he’s annoying. Thanks for that Captain Obvious, but even when you are being reflective, you’re an asshole. Try this, when you aren’t touring or promoting a record, go the fuck away. That would solve most of the problem. Solving the rest? STFU!

Anyway, this will be semi-recurring, as people say stupid shit. Enjoy!

The End?

I admit, I am not the theologian that I should be, but isn't a Saved by the Bell reunion somewhere in Revelations, right after the four horsemen? Death, War, Famine, Pestilence, and Zach? At least we are spared reading/hearing about that freak Dustin whatever.... he is just going to rot in hell.

Boycott?

Supposedly August 4 is going to be a Megan Fox free day on the Internet. Really? Why would the dorks on all of those sites willingly give up their fantasy girl for a day? Tendinitis?

Hammer of Justice Crushes You!!

1. Somebody saw this lady and said yeah, let's recruit her to represent us in the senate? Really? For those of you who don't know who this is, this is Stormy Daniels, an adult film actress as they like to be called, who was recently recruited by actual citizens of Louisiana to run for the United States Senate. She actually thought about it and agreed to this. She was going forward with her campaign until this past week's run-in with the law. Apparently she returned home from work (whether or not this work involved any deviant behavior is unknown) and was unhappy with the way her husband did the laundry. And then beat him up. She sounds like a delicate flower, doesn't she? On the positive side, if she does get elected to the senate and gets her freak on in a public toilet, she's likely to film it. Wait...

2. Phil Spector recently received a note from Charles Manson in prison and is freaked out about it, according to his wife. Well, if you don't bring attention to yourself by killing someone, then Manson would have forgotten all about you Phil. Just another reason to stay out of prison. That and the raping.

3. In other news, a Phoenix man is the hero of millions, okay maybe just a couple of dozen, but here's the article (Here is the link to the original article, it has the actual 911 call, the response by the suspect is classic):

GLENDALE - 911 calls normally aren't funny -- but when a Glendale man came home to a man robbing his house over the weekend, he tackled him and held him still while talking on the phone to a 911 dispatcher.

Homeowner Perry Bigley told a 911 operator, "I have the robber in one hand and the phone in the other."

Officers arrived to the home in the 4600 block of W San Juan where they found the victim on top of the suspect, holding him down.

Bigley told police he came home through the garage about 4 a.m. and found the storage door open. He then spotted the suspect going rifling through his DVDs.

On the 911 tape, Bigley says, "All I am doing is holding him down on the ground… He's saying he can't breathe he's tried to run twice but I caught him in my home."

"Look please stop struggling... we're going to wait here and were going to wait for the cops to come."

The suspect told Bigley there were other robbers upstairs, but they got away and ran down the street. The burglars took six TVs, a stereo, a laptop and a digital camera -- about $11,000 worth of electronics.

Police are still searching for the rest of the suspects.

Dog Years

Lindsay Lohan recently had a milk-shake named in her honor. No word if it is filled with cocaine and Red Bull, but it is called the Coke-whore. My question is what are you doing to yourself if you look like this when you are 23 years old? Someone somewhere wrote that she is aging in dog years. I tend to agree, if she is a Shar-pei.

Squeezing the Juice

I came across this article recently and quite frankly, I think I can live with O.J. living in fear. And if by chance he is Dahmer-ized, I think that they should add that to Orenthal's plaque in Canton. Or at least put a picture of his cell-mate there.

Let's Drop Some E!

So there I am watching The Soup when my eyes were accosted by a commercial of E!’s latest television abonination. Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian are in Miami and E! is going to subject the world to their inane travels. I’m not sure why I’m supposed to care about these freaks. Look, I get that Kim is pretty hot, but why exactly am I supposed to follow her uglier, and apparently less talented** and interesting** siblings on television? Is E! that hard up to fill time? I know that Holly Madison hasn’t gotten her own show yet, so there are depths to be mined here. Anyway, it made me long for the days of Senor Sock and the days when Bruce Jenner was still a relevant due to his accomplishments, not just for having a douchebag son and a needy stage mom for a wife. I'm going to go scrub my eyes now.

** I am only guessing here, I'm still not sure why Kim's famous other than her 'leaked' tape (see what I did there?).

The Iron Monkees

Some people have too much time on their hands, but in this case it evolved into genius. This one goes out to my brother in law: Up the Irons!!

Illusions Michael, Tricks are What a Whore Does for Money

I always knew that there really is magic in the world, which is one reason that Stevie Nicks has always scared the hell out of me but I digress. Anyway, apparently Playboy Magazine employs these wizards which is kind of disappointing. I know that if I could arbitrarily manipulate the laws of nature and physics to my own whims, I would try to make sure the world is a better place. Wait, what the hell am I talking about. I would probably be in Chicago doing exactly what these magicians are doing to Lisa Rinna. Magic is about the only thing that can turn this:

Into this:

All in the span of a few months. So do these people, and I am assuming they are people, not of some otherworldly species, get paid for the difficulty of the transformation? Inquiring minds want to know... from autism to horrible plastic surgery, is there anything they cannot do? Anyway, this investigation into the hidden world of wizardry can show you the lengths I'll go to in order to avoid working on my paper, doesn't it?

More PIcs

Seriously, I love these things...