End of the Line

Merry Christmas VG. This is the final post of the Marisa Miller Picture of the Day, so hopefully VG can start having two hands free to type soon.

Homer's Four-some

I'm feeling a might peckish...




1. The Christmas season his here, kinda, and it is time to start putting together Christmas lists. Here are a few things I want for Christmas:

a. No more Tiger news.

b. No more Facebook polls asking if I want to keep the Christ in Christmas. Here’s a brief lesson: Christmas was an adoption of the pagan Saturnalia. That is where the Yule log and other traditions come from. Why do I care if we keep Christ’s birthday in some arbitrary place? If you really have your panties in a wad about the ‘true meaning’ of Christmas, go work in a soup kitchen helping the needy after you go put some pagans to the sword.

c. If fact, how ‘bout we eliminate Facebook polls, updates about someone’s daily message from God, and some random Fortune cookie predictions from my live news feed altogether? I liked Facebook better when it was called personal interaction.

d. More good television. In other words, add Jay Leno and all of those dance competition judges to the unemployment lines. Just take Mario Lopez out in the hall and ‘eliminate’ him.

e. More Kate Beckinsale photos. True story: I was in Barnes and Noble with the bride and the Sexiest Woman in the World issue of Esquire was on display. It took quite a bit of time to find the three pictures of Kate in the magazine. Why would anyone buy that crap? If you are going to produce a PR campaign based on her selection, at least put her in the magazine where it doesn’t take two people twenty minutes to find the pictures. There were plenty of shots of dudes who looked like Ashton Willis pimping underwear and facial moisturizers in the mag. I would have bought the issue, but it seemed like a waste of time (of course this would have required the purchase of the Men’s Health magazine with Jason Bateman on the cover, but I was comfortable with that trade).

f. Intravenous Diet Coke. Eliminate the having to drink this ambrosia, just get it directly into my veins.

g. Some clarification as to whether or not Jon Bon Jovi was joking when he titled his new book When We Were Beautiful. Really? He must have had one too many nights where he wanted to bank Richie Sambora...

h. Shauna Sand Explained, which is not a the title of some film capturing the sexual escapades of a Hollywood starlet that was stolen and released without her consent. It is a web-based apology by Lorenzo Lamas detailing how this vacuous attention whore has managed to terrify America without drawing the ire of the Department of Homeland Security.

2. Tiger’s mother-in-law went to the hostpital. Why was this news all over my sports-talk dial this morning? Have we sunk that low? Apparently we have, because in addition to this news we received the nugget that Tiger likes to ride bareback when with Tool Academy skanks and quasi-porn stars (I’m not disputing that the woman in question has been the main actress in some porn production, but if I don’t know her name, she doesn’t qualify as a ‘star’). Smart move El Tigre.... did he really get into Stanford? Even the frat losers at UA/ASU know better than that.

3. Lindsay Lohan is back in the news for her controversial new photographs. All I can say is wow. This is the same girl who turned down several offers from Playboy (allegedly) for big money to get naked. Then she turns around does nudes for the New Yorker and now shooting straight porn for Muse (whatever the hell that is) for nothing. Either she is all about the art, or she needs to get off of the coke so she can make some decent business decisions. If you are going to whore yourself out, at least get paid, I mean Shauna Sand is making more than her at this point.

4. Oprah finally decided to hang it up. Good. One less pretentious jerk on the airwaves. I say for a finale, she covers Tyra Banks in nutella and whipped cream and eats her. It would be for the greater good. And you just know that once Harpo is out of the public eye, she's gonna blimp up anyway, so why not? (oh yeah, Steadman's gonna die: he's on my list once Oprah is home 24/7/365)

Death!

No, Marisa isn't dead or dying... this is just a reminder about the 2010 Dead Pool.

Once again, here are the rules:

1. Each participant must submit a list of 10 celebrities numbered from 1-10 by the deadline of December 31st, 2009.

Please post your list in this format. It makes for easier sorting and checking.

EXAMPLE LIST:

1. Celebrity #1
2. Celebrity #2
3. Celebrity #3
4. Celebrity #4
5. Celebrity #5
6. Celebrity #6
7. Celebrity #7
8. Celebrity #8
9. Celebrity #9
10. Celebrity #10


SCORING EXPLANATION:

1. Each pick this year is worth 100 points minus their age.
Example: If your pick dies at age 67, you will recieve 33 points. If they die at 33, you will recive 67 points.

2. The game will begin on January 1st, 2010, and end on December 31st, 2010.

3. The celebrity must have achieved their level of fame themselves. It's not enough to be related to a celebrity.

4. Executions don't count. People on death-row are not eligable at all.

5. They must be famous for something OTHER than the fact that they haven't died already. The individual has to have had some level of fame BEFORE they got old and/or sick.

6. Only real humans allowed. No fictional characters, no companies, no fads/concepts, no governments, no animals. How much clearer do I need to be?

Prizes will be ..

A twelve pack of Diet Coke(or whatever it is you drink) and the respect and admiration of your peers.

What Would Tiger Do?

Obviously the answer if 'fornicate.' I'd say adulterate, but that has a competely different meaning. Anyway, I just wanted to weigh in on the scandal, not because I care about Tiger Woods, but I do have some thoughts about the concepts of love, marriage, and fidelity. For those of you who don't know, I have been married to a wonderful woman for a long time. I can speak to marriage and the challenges that it presents to the people involved. That isn't going to be very helpful, or very entertaining, so I'd rather talk about what I don't know, the Tiger Woods lifestyle.

You rarely see successful marriages among famous people for a very simple reason: they are rarely together. I know I'm playing generalizing armchair psychotherapist here, but really if you are living in hotels away from your family for half of the year, you are going to find yourself with a ton of free time, millions of dollars, and a sense of entitlement in that no one in your life tells you no. Then you end up railing some loser whose appeared on Tool Academy. I'm not really sure where to go with that. All I can say is that if you are going to cheat on your wife, there are acceptable ways to make this happen (see Brangelina), and then there is the Glen Close/Fatal Attraction/strippers and whore action way which is apparently what Tiger decided to do. Good for him...it just good that he's used to putting his balls into holes that are significantly bigger and occasionally have flags planted in them.

Sunny Day! (MM Photo of the Day)

Even though it is cold and rainy outside, it is often important to find little rays of sunshine where you can. Like that one that follows Marisa Miller around.

On another serious note, it is time to start gathering up ideas for the 2010 Death Pool. I'll repost the rules later today just so there's no questions about next year's winner.

New Feature - Just in time for the Holidays!

I just wanted to make up for the blatant sacrilege of the last post by appeasing the demands of the VG with our new feature: The Marisa Miller Picture of the Day. This will be a limited time engagement, but for the next few days winter will be banished by pictures of Marisa in skimpy clothing. It sounds like a plan to me...

The Vanilla Gorilla

I know that some members of my reading audience are clamoring for more Marissa Miller pictures, and I will get around to that eventually, but I thought I'd stay current with Peta's new ads featuring Joanna Krupa. I know they are crazy, but when they present their arguments against buying new puppies in such logical detail, I just cannot refute them. I'm just afraid that if the Catholic church starts using this advertising technique, I'm converting. Today.

I will try and make it up to the world by eating KFC for at least a week.

Holy Diver!

I know that Ronnie James Dio's persona is kinda funky. I know that his dragons and sorcery lyrics can be laughable. But damnit I loved his music growing up. Anyway, I just wanted to show a little Dio love (see what I did there? He's like 5'3") due to the announcement that he is battling stomach cancer. If only it were as easy to slay as one of his dragons.

Twilight in the Reich...

It seems an odd thought, the idea that the Twilight series of books and movies could replace Nazis as the most unfortunate by-product of Eastern European culture, but I think I'm going to go there. We live in a world where we are always proclaiming the latest to be the greatest, that it only makes sense that we need to find a new source of evil. Namely, Stephanie Meyers and her minions.

I have been watching some new WWII documentaries on television lately (have you ever noticed how many of my rambling ideas are prompted by my television viewing habits? It is more than a little sad) and it saddens me to think of all of the horrible things that we do to each other in the name of hate. The world would be a better place without it, but then I see a New Moon commercial and I endure a visceral reaction that makes me want to throw a brick through my HDTV. Seriously, you know that we have a database that contains the names of people who have purchased this crap. We need to stop them from propagating their lack of literary taste onto a new generation.

Even beyond the abomination that the books are, the movies are even more of an affront to decency. Multiply mediocre storytelling, inane plotting, and actors so unlikable that they could take up all of the spaces in the celebrity car crash and you end up with a shit-sandwich that even Gene Simmons couldn't pimp.

Sorry, I just had to rant and didn't want to try to explain why I haven't posted anything lately.

Look ma, no boobs!