Friday, July 31, 2009

The End?

I admit, I am not the theologian that I should be, but isn't a Saved by the Bell reunion somewhere in Revelations, right after the four horsemen? Death, War, Famine, Pestilence, and Zach? At least we are spared reading/hearing about that freak Dustin whatever.... he is just going to rot in hell.


Supposedly August 4 is going to be a Megan Fox free day on the Internet. Really? Why would the dorks on all of those sites willingly give up their fantasy girl for a day? Tendinitis?

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Hammer of Justice Crushes You!!

1. Somebody saw this lady and said yeah, let's recruit her to represent us in the senate? Really? For those of you who don't know who this is, this is Stormy Daniels, an adult film actress as they like to be called, who was recently recruited by actual citizens of Louisiana to run for the United States Senate. She actually thought about it and agreed to this. She was going forward with her campaign until this past week's run-in with the law. Apparently she returned home from work (whether or not this work involved any deviant behavior is unknown) and was unhappy with the way her husband did the laundry. And then beat him up. She sounds like a delicate flower, doesn't she? On the positive side, if she does get elected to the senate and gets her freak on in a public toilet, she's likely to film it. Wait...

2. Phil Spector recently received a note from Charles Manson in prison and is freaked out about it, according to his wife. Well, if you don't bring attention to yourself by killing someone, then Manson would have forgotten all about you Phil. Just another reason to stay out of prison. That and the raping.

3. In other news, a Phoenix man is the hero of millions, okay maybe just a couple of dozen, but here's the article (Here is the link to the original article, it has the actual 911 call, the response by the suspect is classic):

GLENDALE - 911 calls normally aren't funny -- but when a Glendale man came home to a man robbing his house over the weekend, he tackled him and held him still while talking on the phone to a 911 dispatcher.

Homeowner Perry Bigley told a 911 operator, "I have the robber in one hand and the phone in the other."

Officers arrived to the home in the 4600 block of W San Juan where they found the victim on top of the suspect, holding him down.

Bigley told police he came home through the garage about 4 a.m. and found the storage door open. He then spotted the suspect going rifling through his DVDs.

On the 911 tape, Bigley says, "All I am doing is holding him down on the ground… He's saying he can't breathe he's tried to run twice but I caught him in my home."

"Look please stop struggling... we're going to wait here and were going to wait for the cops to come."

The suspect told Bigley there were other robbers upstairs, but they got away and ran down the street. The burglars took six TVs, a stereo, a laptop and a digital camera -- about $11,000 worth of electronics.

Police are still searching for the rest of the suspects.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Dog Years

Lindsay Lohan recently had a milk-shake named in her honor. No word if it is filled with cocaine and Red Bull, but it is called the Coke-whore. My question is what are you doing to yourself if you look like this when you are 23 years old? Someone somewhere wrote that she is aging in dog years. I tend to agree, if she is a Shar-pei.

Squeezing the Juice

I came across this article recently and quite frankly, I think I can live with O.J. living in fear. And if by chance he is Dahmer-ized, I think that they should add that to Orenthal's plaque in Canton. Or at least put a picture of his cell-mate there.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Let's Drop Some E!

So there I am watching The Soup when my eyes were accosted by a commercial of E!’s latest television abonination. Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian are in Miami and E! is going to subject the world to their inane travels. I’m not sure why I’m supposed to care about these freaks. Look, I get that Kim is pretty hot, but why exactly am I supposed to follow her uglier, and apparently less talented** and interesting** siblings on television? Is E! that hard up to fill time? I know that Holly Madison hasn’t gotten her own show yet, so there are depths to be mined here. Anyway, it made me long for the days of Senor Sock and the days when Bruce Jenner was still a relevant due to his accomplishments, not just for having a douchebag son and a needy stage mom for a wife. I'm going to go scrub my eyes now.

** I am only guessing here, I'm still not sure why Kim's famous other than her 'leaked' tape (see what I did there?).

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Iron Monkees

Some people have too much time on their hands, but in this case it evolved into genius. This one goes out to my brother in law: Up the Irons!!

Illusions Michael, Tricks are What a Whore Does for Money

I always knew that there really is magic in the world, which is one reason that Stevie Nicks has always scared the hell out of me but I digress. Anyway, apparently Playboy Magazine employs these wizards which is kind of disappointing. I know that if I could arbitrarily manipulate the laws of nature and physics to my own whims, I would try to make sure the world is a better place. Wait, what the hell am I talking about. I would probably be in Chicago doing exactly what these magicians are doing to Lisa Rinna. Magic is about the only thing that can turn this:

Into this:

All in the span of a few months. So do these people, and I am assuming they are people, not of some otherworldly species, get paid for the difficulty of the transformation? Inquiring minds want to know... from autism to horrible plastic surgery, is there anything they cannot do? Anyway, this investigation into the hidden world of wizardry can show you the lengths I'll go to in order to avoid working on my paper, doesn't it?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

More PIcs

Seriously, I love these things...


It's totally cheesy, but I love these pictures.... I'll post more later.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Advertising Sucks

I'll start this little screed by explaining that I hate coffee. I don't like the taste of it and I don't really care for the smell, other than that it is fine. Anyway, there has been much contention over the past year about the McCafe concept that McDonald's is introducing due to the fact that it is killing Starbucks. I don't really care either way, but the ads are starting to get out of hand. Today I heard one radio ad describing how once this woman stopped drinking that hoity-toity Starbucks she was able to go back to reading gossip magazines and stop watching documentaries on television. Yeah, that whole learning thing is way over-rated. I hope the person who came up with these commercials trips and falls into a vortex the size of Jeremy Piven's ego.

On a side note, the above picture was taken at a McDonald's in Budapest, so I thought I'd include it. That and there was no scantily clad women in McDonald's outfits that I could find really fast. I'm sure there are sites out there catering to that fetish... and I am just as sure that I don't want to see it.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


Damn....I knew that weddings could ruin a couple of lives, but this story really hit home that an ill-planned marriage/wedding could really screw up the lives of innocent people with no connection to the event. I love the end of the story when they state that neither the bride nor groom were on the plane. Really? The bridal party wasn't in two places at once? What a shock. So what does this mean for the survivors of Oceanic 815?

ROME - A romantic wedding in the Tuscan countryside ended with injuries after an attempt to launch the bride's bouquet from a plane brought down the tiny aircraft.

Italian police say two people were hurt in the crash of the ultralight plane after the bridal bouquet they launched got caught in the aircraft's rear rotor.

The flowers blocked the engine, bringing the plane down by a youth hostel.

Police in the nearby town of Piombino said Tuesday the pilot was lightly injured in Saturday's crash, while the passenger who threw the bouquet had several broken bones.

The bride and groom were not aboard the plane.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


The wife wasn't pleased to see this... although she is a fan of the girls next door, I'm not sure that extends to Jason canoodling with one of them. I feel for her, really Mrs. Wiseman has broken my heart the same way... but I'll forgive her.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Life Moves Along

Well, it has been a bit and quite frankly I needed to get the stench of death off of my blog. Marissa Miller is a good way to keep the principles of the blog moving along. Why is it she is in the new issue of British GQ? The American version has close ups of David Beckham's junk, I mean underwear ads. I don't understand it, but I'll just be grateful that the interwebz makes Marissa available to all. Anyway, expect the blog to pick up as I have nothing else to do.

Friday, July 03, 2009

Dead Celebrities (continued)

Just a couple of follow up points to all of the celebrity deaths from the past week:

1. Keeping your family out of the funeral is a dick move. Not as bad as trying to kill that family member, so maybe the relationship between Griffin and Ryan O'Neal is getting better.

2. Billy Mays funeral pictures were on the news tonight and the pall bearers were all dressed in blue shirts and khaki pants. I love it, but just highlights the fact that people need to not take themselves so seriously, even in a time of sadness. After watching the Pitchmen marathon on Discovery this week, I have to say Billy Mays seemed like a cool dude. Loved his Bently and his private plane, but a good guy. I would never buy anything from him, but he seemed genuine.

3. The Jackson family fiasco is getting out of hand. The family is now saying that they are not going to charge the public for going to the memorial for the fallen pedophile, I mean singer. I would literally rather take $25 and set it on fire than give it to those ghouls. Jermaine had better be careful, offering himself up like that. God just might take him up on that. We can all hope anyway.

So What is the Problem?

So a Washington teacher got in trouble this week:

YAKIMA, Wash. - A Washington kindergarten teacher who sent a 5-year-old student home with a bag of feces tucked in his backpack has been formally reprimanded.

A West Valley School District official warned teacher Sue Graham in a letter that similar behavior in the future will result in disciplinary action, including termination.

The boy's father had said his son arrived home in April with the plastic bag of feces and a note that read "This little turd was found on the floor in my room."

The boy was moved out of Graham's classroom after the incident.

The May letter was released Thursday in response to a public disclosure request from KIMA-TV. The district had previously said "appropriate action" was taken against the longtime teacher.

So what exactly is the problem? The kid needs to learn to shit in a toilet. People are so uptight these days...they need to remember, poop is funny!

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Happy 233rd Birthday America!!

1. A Tea-bag Party!!! Yeah, I know that it sounds like a bad Ben Affleck/Kevin Smith story, but people around the country are banding together on Saturday to protest taxes and the direction of America by tea-bagging each other. I call that my normal Saturday night, and quite frankly I'm guessing it will be about as successful.

2. Bumper stickers and car art have really gotten out of hand. I saw one the other day talking about how body piercing had saved their life, with a nice cartoon depiction of Jesus being nailed to a cross. I really wish my beliefs and philosophies about life could be encapsulated by a pithy phrase and bitchin' picture. Now, I'm pretty sure that my conception of Jesus includes a sense of humor, but you know, some shit just isn't funny. I'm pretty sure that jackhole is going to get a whole new version of body piercing when he gets to Valhalla.

3. So I'm watchin' the television with the kids the other day and the newest Carl's Jr. commercial came on, you know the one with Audrina Partridge (or whatever her name is). It was the standard stuff, sexy girl eating meat, which really prompted the thought of how far is too far? I don't mind a girl in a bikini selling me a burger, but what about the kids? Should we be pushing the limit so far that we are going to need to have a birds and bees discussion based on fast food advertising? That isn't even talking about that new Burger King ad...

4. Apparently Paris Hilton went on Kathy Griffin's show and talked about how she doesn't believe in oral sex. “I never do that. My mom always taught me, ‘Only ugly girls need to go down on their knees and do things like that.’” With a straight face no less. I know that it violates the terms of Blogger use, but google search of Paris Hilton oral sex will provide you with approximately 301,000 images, many of them of Paris with a dick in her mouth. Which I guess proves that Paris' mother was right.

5. Finally, An Oklahoma woman was recently arrested for prostitution...but not for money, she was bartering sex for a case of Frito-Lay chips. This is good for a laugh, but it does raise a serious question: what are the odds that you could convince Lindsay Lohan to commit the same act for a case of Red Bull? I'm going out on a limb and guessing that it has already happened.