Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Grim Death

I alluded to it in the Bea Arthur post, but here is my 2009-2010 Death Pool.  Basic rules say that this runs from today until April 30, 2010.  

Remember, we're not wishing or hoping that these people die, just trying to be prophetic:

1.  Fidel Castro
2.  Kim Jong-il
3.  Steve Jobs
4.  Michael Douglas
5.  Betty White - the Golden Girls seem doomed and she was scary as hell on My Name is Earl earlier this year.

Oh, and Kate Beckinsale is indestructible.  Maybe it is time to rent Click...nah.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

In the Name of All That is Holy

Make her stop!!!  Someone really needs to go Borat on Pam Anderson.  Stuff her into a sack and then take away all of her ten year old slutty outfits.  Then burn them of course, but I would worry about the Hep's ability to survive fire.

Everyone is criticizing her for attending the opening of a steakhouse/strip club, seeing how she's a vegetarian.  All I have to say is that I've seen the film and it all makes sense; she's not afraid of stuffing meat in her mouth.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Death Pool 2009

So who had Bea Arthur in this years death pool?  What, we didn't do it this year?  What the hell is wrong with us?

Oh yeah, we participate in death pools.  And you should know better than to think that I'd post a picture of Bea Arthur.

Saturday's Alright for Boobs

Well it's the weekend and it is time to relax, and quite frankly that last post disappointed me from a visual aspect. So here's Jenny, that crazy Playmate witch.

What the hell happened to Amy Pohler? That new show of hers is about as funny as your average snuff film. Not only is the show painfully derivative and tedious, but it just plays flat. The viewer never gets a sense that people are enjoying this process. Stale writing and mediocre acting is not a winning ticket. I find myself wishing Gob would show up and put her in the Aztec Tomb.

What the hell is Aubrey O’Whateverthehellhernameis wearing? Look, your famous because you slept your way into some ‘band,’ you have taken your clothes off for money, and you have no discernable talent. Show up on the red carpet looking nice and no one cares; show up like this and someone needs to throw acid in your eyes as punishment for what we’re forced to endure.

Finally, somewhere a town tried to ban baggy pants. I get the frustration with seeing what I would assume are heterosexual men adopting a gay prison fashion choice, but did anyone really think this was going to pass any kind of legal challenge? Lionel Hutz could have won this case.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Cartography in the 21st Century

1. Paris Hilton described her current boyfriend to the press this weekend as ‘perfect.’ No one really knows what this means except for his obvious ability to repel herpes, syphilis, and the like. Oh, and the ability to be in Paris’ presence for more than 37 seconds and being able to stifle the urge to disembowel her with a broken machete.

2. According to some random scientists, the area of the Four Corners the southwest United States has been surveyed incorrectly. The Four Corners tourist spot is about 2.5 miles off. It has just come to light ever since the area was defined over one hundred years ago. Very nice. Tell me, does it ever worry you that these are the people who we entrust trillions of dollars to, and they cannot even make a respectable map? Magellan had it down 500 years ago, what the hell is the government’s problem? Buster Bluth could get this right. (On a side note, I have been to the four corners and for all that people blather that it is a tourist trap, I thought it was pretty cool, now I feel cheated)

3. Lindsay’s back on men. Are we 100% certain that Sam Ronson was a woman? I need a clarification on this before I can accept this story. I’ll bet that many women in the greater Los Angeles area are breathing easier today. Of course, all males remotely connected with the entertainment industry or the night-club circuit are all terrified and taking at least one cycle of zithromax. I’d suggest some valtrex as well, but hey, what’s life without some risk.

4. Amy Winehouse wants to adopt a baby. Really? To raise or for the baby’s fats and emollients? How is she not dead yet? Somebody better explain this to me, or get the shotgun because we are about to enter Shaun of the Dead territory.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Boob Week - Day 2

1. Jennifer Love Hewitt – This young lady is back in the press with a Maxim cover (does anyone actually read this shit?). She’s pretty and she continues our Boob Week theme, but who really cares? The blogosphere will complain about her weight and the rest of the real world will say, ‘Hmm, looks good’ and life will go on. I do give her limited props for not getting naked just because everyone seems to think that’s all she’s got to offer, but c’mon, no one is waiting around for the sequel to Heartbreakers.

2. Modern Day Pirates – I’ve written about this briefly in the past but this new trend of modern-day piracy is just kicking my ass. These geniuses are taking on the most sophisticated and powerful navy the world has ever seen with a motorboat and machetes. Good for them. As long as they are flying the Jolly Roger, then I’m cool with them; but when the SEALS go all crazy on them, maybe they should stop the threats and just go ride the Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland and avoid the whole death thing.

3. Octomom TM – Word is the Octomom wants to trademark her name. Good for her. That whole ‘get enough plastic surgery to look like Angelina Jolie’ thing didn’t work out for her; the ‘have octuplets and live on endorsements’ didn’t work out for her; now her ‘trademark the name Octomom and live off of royalties’ plan is next. I’ve got news for her: No one cares. Short of jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge, nothing this woman can do should interest anyone living in the United States of America. That would be the best thing for those kids though. Where’s Hulk Hogan at when you need him?

4. Where does he find the time? Apparently Mel Gibson has been linked to six women over the past few years, including noted crazy-woman Brittney Spears. Throw in the fact he has nearly a billion dollars and has only made one movie in that time, I’d have to say that number seems low.

5. Cheer Coach Bunny – Why is it that every female teacher I’ve ever dealt with looks like they were in the original cast of “Grease” or “Little House on the Prarie?” Apparently, previously posing for Playboy is not good for young women who would like to work in the schools. Who woulda thunk it?

I thought you'd be bigger...

No, it isn't every man's most dreaded words to hear in bed, it is everyone's reaction to Dalton in the movie Road House.  Not a great film by any stretch, but with Patrick Swayze on the verge of death, I just thought I'd remember him as the guy who ripped out the throat of another man, the ultimate in movie bad-assery.  

Aren't our movie stars supposed to get old and cranky like Sean Connery?  Sorry, no snark here, just best wishes to Mr. Swayze.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

See what he did there was this...

So John Madden retired today, leaving a huge void in the field of telestrator use and the use of interjections as sentences.  I'm not quite sure how I want to remember John, as the easily confused buffoon of an announcer that he has become over the past few years or the kick-ass coach who may still have the best winning percentage of any coach in NFL history.  

Probably the buffoon.  You just know you are going to see John in ACE hardware stores up and down the west coast telling people why their socks are falling down.  It is just a step before he starts soiling himself and wandering down sidewalks looking for the Dutchman's Gold, which we all know is hidden in Jenna Jameson's vagina.  Good luck finding it, sorry John.

Break-time is Over

Back to the hate, today's post is not for the faint of heart...enjoy.

1. Salma Hayek – In the comments of the Sham-Pow post I made reference to the fact that I’d post more about boobs. Well, here is what I consider to be the best boobs in Hollywood not named Ashton. Salma is ridiculously hot and her rack should inspire people in the hills to sing songs about it. You know it’s a killer rack when Prince is writing about it, I mean c’mon Prince isn’t exactly inexperienced in that way, if you know what I mean. Feel free to disagree, you'll just be wrong, that's all.

2. Hulk Hogan = OJ The big news today is that Hulk Hogan understands OJ and his killing his ex-wife. Let that sink in for a moment. Just because some 19 year-old dude is desperate enough for the attention to want to get with that mess that Hulk was married to is no reason to want to ‘OJ’ anyone. Look at Mel Gibson, his wife is going to walk away with around $450 million dollars – cash – and is Mel getting ready to turn his wife into a Pez dispenser? No, he’s out there sleeping with Russian models, a much more effective way to deal with rage and grief issues. I remember back in the day when Hulkimania was all about taking your vitamins and drinking your milk, now it seems that the Hulkster really wants to kill his wife and bang his daughter…I mean sleep with his daughter’s friends. The older I get, the more the world sucks.

3. Have you twatted? Apparently there is some sort of competition between Demi Moore’s husband (whose name escapes me because he’s done nothing worthwhile since the last time he pulled out of Demi) and CNN for twitter subscribers. I can think of no other commentary about our society than this. CNN – they can give you updates about what is going on in the world. Demi’s husband might give you another photo of her ass in a bikini (taken courtesy of his Nikon endorsement I’m sure). Why doesn’t someone photoshop this guy’s head onto the body of the dork railing Ms. Ex-Hulk and solve a couple of problems for all of us?

4. Protests – I was in a meeting today about something or other when someone asked if they were aware about the tea-bagging at the capitol yesterday? Really? Just yesterday? I was under the impression that the government has been tea-bagging us for quite a while now.

5. Quote of the week – “Sit ups made birth easy” This was attributed to Jenna Jameson. Really? It couldn’t have been that the only reason those kids didn’t fall out of that busted up vag was the fact that the two of them bottle-necked up in the canal? Seriously Jenna, the fact that going down on you would be more like spelunking than a sex act might have more to do with the ease of your birth than your rigorous work-out regimen. Just a thought.