Tuesday, December 30, 2008


Is this really the best we can do? I know that this movie isn't aspiring to high art or anything, but have we hit the creative wall that hard already? Maybe we should just turn the lights out and call it a night.

Oh, and to answer what I'm sure you are all wondering, yes I will see this movie.  I haven't seen Zombie Strippers yet, but I think it is in my Netflix que.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Gay Porn Name?

I don't really like to lead with that kind of title, but really, I have no choice. Apparently, Jay Mohr, a reasonably funny comedian, is adding his wife's maiden name to his, leaving him something like Jay Mohr Cox. Is he going to start competing with Peter North now? This stuff writes itself.

Actually, Jay should really be spending his time working to keep his wife's head from deflating, I'm sure that's a full time job now.

This past year has been interesting. I’m not sure it was a great year or just a good one, but I can tell you this, 2009 is shaping up to be fantastic. Here are some random thoughts for the end of the year.

1. The Beautiful Metaphor – can do wonders when describing something, but they are actually at their most wonderful when they are used to insult something. Like when Pulitzer Prize winning writer Roger Ebert describes a movie’s characterization thusly: To call the characters cardboard is to insult a useful packing material. This came from a review of the movie The Spirit, which apparently is so bad that even the high levels of eye-candy cannot overcome the amateurish writing, directing, and acting. Maybe this will stem the tide of shitty graphic novel adaptations. Well, probably not, but we can hope.

2. Band of Brothers – The power of art is in its ability to move and inspire. So few motion pictures or television shows actually aspire to the levels of art that when you come across one it should be savored like a fine meal. The miniseries Band of Brothers is something like that. Even though I know what happens in this series, I watched it yesterday (yes, all day, I have no life), the episode titled “Why We Fight” still got me from an emotional sense. The actors beautifully portrayed the horror those soldiers must have felt when they came across those camps. Great stuff, which I will be watching on Blu-Ray in January.

3. Crazy Mexican – Beauty queens. A Miss Shit from Shinola or something or other in Guadalajara was arrested last week for drug and weapon possession or something like that. A fun story, as apparently drug lords in Latin American countries take beauty pagents very seriously. I know that we should here, as the prettier someone is, the more important they are. Which is why I am proclaiming myself Emperor of Arizona.

4. New Ads – I am not waiting for the Super Bowl to identify the greatest commercials of the season. There are two contenders, the Sonic Hearing quasi-bluetooth device that allows people to eavesdrop on conversations and the slim clip thing that is some sort of revolutionary money clip. Wait, you mean that you could put any money clip in a blender? Oh, well then the Sonic hearing thing is the winner, and not to mention bad-ass. The only thing that would be better is one of those parabolic microphones. I’m shocked that the CIA doesn’t issue these little things to all of their new recruits.

5. Sweatpants and Handguns – What is it with East Coast playas packing heat in their sweats? First Plexico goes strip clubbing with sweats and a glock, then this guy goes to the movies packing in his sweats. Really? This is the new thing? I mean I know that we’ve all fantasized about shooting the loud bastard in the movie theater, but who actually does it? If you are going to be carrying a concealed weapon, at least wear some damned pants.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Holiday Cheer!!

1. Chuck – needs to sack up and stop acting like a whiner with a sandy vag. Oh, my fake girlfriend killed a guy that wanted to kill me. Boo Hoo! I enjoy the show, but at some point, doesn’t Chuck have to act like this isn’t the first time at the rodeo?

2. Hitler’s Birthday – apparently there is a little ‘un whose wise and astute parents named Adolf Hitler Campbell. Now, the local Shop-Rite refuses to personalize a cake for the little racist, and the parents are bewildered. Really? What was their first clue there might be a problem? I’m sure that the boy’s best friends Pol-Pot and Stalin are accepting, but the parents here really need to be neutered or put down themselves. For the rest of us. Seriously.

3. MONSTER!!!! What the hell happened to Goldie Hawn??? She has never been attractive, but it looks like her face is collapsing in on itself. I’m just glad that it isn’t Halloween or she might get staked before anyone realized that she isn’t a zombie or vampire or something.

4. Freaks - I'll close with part of an article I read off of cnn.com. People say that men are strange and perverted. Hopefully this can add some balance to the conversation. Where do they find these people?

Nearly half of the women questioned by Harris Interactive said they'd be willing to forgo sex for two weeks, rather than give up their Internet access, according to a study released Monday by Intel, which commissioned the survey.

While 46 percent of the women surveyed were willing to engage in abstinence versus losing their Internet, only 30 percent of the men surveyed were willing to do likewise.

The U.S. survey, which queried 2,119 adults last month, found that the gap grew even wider for both men and woman who were 18 to 34 years old. For woman, the percentage of those willing to skip the sheets in favor of the Web rose to 49 percent, while it climbed to 39 percent for men.
And for women 35 to 44 years old, the figure jumped to 52 percent.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Christmas Song of the Week!

I have said it before and I'll say it again: There is just not enough Run-DMC played at the holidays. Enjoy!

Monday, December 08, 2008

Rock You Like a Hurricane!

So today I’m reading about the myths of Theseus and the origins of Athens and I see that King Minos was cursed by his jealous wife so that when he would consummate his relationship with his mistresses, he did not ejaculate semen, but rather spiders and scorpions that would eat the genitals of his mistresses. That is a kick-ass curse and a handy bit of knowledge. It would certainly dissuade the young maidens of the kingdom, don't you think? Who said learning about ancient civilizations and mythologies was boring? No word on whether or not King Minos penned the bitchin' tune "Blackout."

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Homer Clause

Well, it’s been a couple of weeks, and I’ve got all of this pent up bitchiness, so here goes:

1. Guns and Roses – is suing Dr. Pepper for ruining their good name when Dr. Pepper’s web servers were overloaded last week giving out free Dr. Pepper coupons. For ruining Guns and Roses good name. Really?? I would have thought that firing everyone in the band, replacing them with less talented guys, canceling gigs, stealing $15 million from David Geffen and whoever was stupid enough to buy his company, and recording the same 15 shitty songs over and over again might have had a little bit to do with that. That’s just me. Oh, yeah, in case there’s any doubt: Fuck Axl Rose, where's my soda?

2. Beautiful Children – is a book that attempts to weave the lives of several disparate characters together into some sort of haunting tale about a missing kid. Well isn’t that special, a feel-good MFA project. Too bad the missing kid character is a monumental shithead and when he goes off running into the Las Vegas desert, the reader has wasted 400 pages of reading that could have been better used by reading the used newspaper that lines hampster cages. Sometimes MFA writers produce good work, like The Historian, other times we get 400 pages of word barf by a pretentious jackass.

3. Gas Prices – are going down and now we are hearing about how dwindling oil profits are a bad thing. Seeing as how the oil industry has been raping the public for the last few years, I’ll just have to choke down giving them less money. Maybe they could come out with some more ‘humanizing’ commercials showing how they are tightening their belts. The only belt tightening I want to see out of the oil industry is the one around their neck while they swing gently from the shower curtain rod.

4. The Arrested Development – movie seems to be on track, which scares the crap out of me. I’m still not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing. In theory, this could be fantastic, just like in theory, Van Halen bringing David Lee Roth back would be good, but then you get that last Van Halen tour and ouch. I don’t know if I want to find out who is going to be the Arrested Development movie’s Wolfgang.

5. Kick-ass 80’s Song of the week – is going with Whitesnake. These guys remind me so much of Spinal Tap’s interview with Marti DiBergi where they talk about why their audience is primarily teenage males. I heard an interview with David Cloverdale back in the day where he was asked nearly the same question, with hilarious results.

6. Bonus Song – I just felt like listening to this song. It reminds me of football practice and being 15, which was too damn long ago.

7. Amare Stoudamire – needs to shut the hell up and learn to play basketball without the bal in his hands. He’s got ridiculous game, but he can’t play d, doesn’t rebound, and keeps talking about how he needs to be the man. Hey Amare, be a man, shut up and play. Either that or enjoy playing in Sacramento, the armpit of California.

8. Plaxico – on to another petulant little bitch, let’s talk about Plaxico Burress, the New York wide receiver who cannot make meetings or other team events, but then holds out for more money. The same guy who last week went to a club and New York and shot himself in the leg when his .40 Glock went off “accidentally.” Sorry, I have to call bullshit. Anyone who has ever shot a Glock can tell you they don’t just go off. This isn’t some television writer’s dream of being gun crazy, a Glock takes deliberate, conscious effort to fire, Plax was just being a dumb ass. Either way, he needs to go away, as people like him are the reason the average human has so much contempt for professional athletes. My favorite part of the story was his clubbin' sweatpants that he was wearing. Classy. Just watch yourself Plax, where you are likely headed next, you might just bunk up with a killer or kidnapper, which brings us to…

9. The Juice – sometime today Orenthal Simpson was sentenced to 15 years in prison. Tragically, the two people he killed are not the reason for his incarceration, rather he is going to jail due to even more stupidity. There is a generation of Americans who only know Simpson as a murderer, which is lucky for them, as they didn’t have to see an athlete fall from grace harder than anyone else, ever. I’m just glad that he’s going away finally. Let’s take a moment to mourn for the true victims of OJ’s latest crime: the strippers, hookers, and pathetic lonely women in LA/Vegas/Miami who can no longer use OJ to fame whore for five or six minutes.

10. Jaime Spears – is threatening to sue for some reason or other. Is there a good reason why I know this young lady’s name? I didn’t think so. Hey Jaime and Lynn Spears, have a nice glass of STFU.

11. ASU vs. UA – Suck it mildcat fans.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I need a new cell phone

I love when people can make fun of themselves. Major props for Ozzy's people, as I don't think he knows who he is anymore, he just does what he's told.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Two months?????

Finally, we have photographic proof that supermodels are better than the rest of us (see, that there was a clever statement. What other kind of proof could we have?). The Victoria's Secret model on the far left of this picture, Alessandra Ambrosio, had a baby two months ago. This picture was taken this week. First it was Heidi Klum, now this. Are they ramping up the effort to create unreasonable body images for girls? Or should we just rest easy knowing that there is an impending race of super men and women ready to take over?


Sorry I had my dates wrong, this picture was taken ten weeks after her baby. That's so much more acceptable.

The Quantum of Homer

1. Election 2008 – is finally over. I found it fascinating how people have responded to the election of Barak Obama to the presidency. Feelings of joy, elation, and terror were all on display and I’m really not sure I fully grasp why. I can understand the joy that many black Americans felt upon the results, for a nation as great as ours can finally put the ugly specter of institutional racism to bed. For Republicans, this is a blow, but hardly the worst thing that could have happened to them. I was shocked when I heard some lady sobbing on the radio on election night at the prospect of an Obama presidency; that somehow his political views will turn her nation into, well I don’t really know. I guess that my fundamental issue with the reaction to President-elect Obama is that most people have no idea how little the presidency actually affects their life. It isn’t nearly as important as who Lindsay Lohan getting freaky with, or whether or not homosexuals are getting married.

2. The Bond Market – is no place for the weak, but it certainly is a place for kick-ass movies. The new 007 film is out this week and I’m pumped up. I’m hoping that this is as good as the last one, but I could do without another scene where he gets his nads racked with some rope. My only quibble is that Judi Densch isn’t getting any less annoying as M. If we can get a Bond re-boot, why are we wheeling out this dinosaur? If the producers want a more mature lady in charge, then I could think of 25 less annoying candidates than her. Oh well, maybe she’s the one who is going to get the genital beating this time. Whatever, as long as Denise Richards stays far away from this film it will be fine.

3. Monday Night Football – apparently being in the same building as Tony Korheiser does not automatically render you any more stupid or prone to appalling lapses in basic common sense and decency. Who knew?

4. Kick-ass 80’s Song of the Week – I’m not sure how to describe this song, other than to tell you to play it loud. Reminds me of high school.

5. The Odyssey – is a great slice of literature, but it does illustrate the inherent sexism with which much of western civilization is based. Odysseus is gone to war for twenty years; he collects war spoils (which are pretty young women stolen from conquered people), travels the Mediterranean sleeping with goddesses, and then swears vengeance against those who wanted to marry his wife, who has been sitting at home weaving a tapestry praying for her husband’s return. It’s a wonder that women haven’t risen up and smothered us all while we sleep.

6. Kid Rock – when did it become okay to just flat out rip another artist off musically, put your own mediocre lyrics to it and call it good? Can I just rewrite the lyrics to Unchained and become famous? Or do I have to risk hepatitis and sleep with Pamela Anderson, then get in fights at the local Waffle House first? Unlike Buster, I don’t have a thing for leathery snappy things so I’ll pass on Pam.

7. 30 Rock – is just killing this season. Last night’s Night Court reunion was perfect. The only drawback was the fact that there was no Bull. Hell, dig that bastard’s corpse up if you need to, but make it happen.

8. Thanksgiving is approaching – and it is time again to play the grateful game. Over the next couple of weeks, I will be giving thanks for a variety of things in this blog. As always it is assumed that I am grateful for the health and general well being of my family (I’m not a monster), but I ain’t a gonna write about that. Today I am grateful for the first six seasons of The Simpsons. Those years were among the greatest in the history of television. They were smart, funny, and subversive in ways that television today an only hope to attain. To see them continue to rape my memories like they have for over a decade now is not only sad and pathetic, it borders on criminal. Make it stop already.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Unleash the fury!

No, not Yngwie Malmsteen, but Sinbad. Here's a little something for those unfortunate fools who have never watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Enjoy!

But I Like Pictures

So I'm spending my Halloween evening watching The DaVinci Code on tnt, and I was just wondering if Tom Hanks got to take that rockin' wig home with him after filming the movie. It really should have it's own wiki page, it is one epic wig. I guess he could wear it every Halloween if he was going as a pretentious douche. I don't know who to call a bigger jerk, Hanks or Dan Brown, but in the spirit of Kathy Griffin (speaking of horrid rugs) they can both suck it.

No Fancy Pictures!

Not every post needs bitchin' pictures of scantily dressed women. Here's proof. A Halloween 4, with absolutely no Halloween content.

1. Reality Television – I’m not sure what the deal is with ‘reality’ television. Common sense tells us that these shows are nearly as scripted as any other storytelling medium and they are certainly edited to the point of manipulation as the producers try to wring out the last drops of tension and crazy. Which is what drives me nuts about this crap. I am not saying I don’t watch some of these shows, Rock of Love, Top Chef, and Making the Team are the three that I’ve watched the most, but the problem I have with these shows is that they are so obviously not real. Each scenario is plotted and manipulated so each of these unbalanced fame-whores are ready to degrade themselves and each other in any way the show chooses. And we eat it up, usually rooting for the craziest person in the room.

Now there are even more shows coming as network executives see the unquenched thirst for this tripe, and the bottom line is that these shows are cheap to produce. We have shows where people compete for film roles, to be a make-up artist to the stars, and just about everything else there is to do. You know we used to have competitions for this kind of stuff before reality television, it was called life and when you applied for a job they picked the best candidate and if they didn’t work out, you got fired and they replaced you. What a colossal waste of time, money, and airspace. I long for a day when the drones that populate this world wake up and demand more for their precious time. Let’s face it, nearly all television is mindless escapism, shouldn’t we demand more from it?

2. Election Day – November 4 is drawing nearer, meaning either Obama or McCain is drawing closer to irrelevance. This seems like it is the longest election season ever. I cannot imagine how long and horrible it must have been before the days of mass communication. Ugh, why would anyone want to do that job? Must be the interns, right Billy?

3. The Best – Why do we feel the need to quantify really good things? I was watching my new favorite show, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia the other day and I was starting to debate in my head where I would rank this show among my all time favorites. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I going to turn into the annoying John Cusack character in High Fidelity, making inane and annoying lists about random meaningless crap? I hope not, but in the spirit of the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons, Arrested Development is the best. television. show. ever.

4. Wal-Mart + Irving Azoff = The Devil – Possibly the most annoying trend to roll down the pike recently is this ‘exclusive’ release by musicians into certain stores, most notably Wal-Mart. The Eagles started the trend, and let’s be honest the only trend they should be responsible for is the impending one where aging Baby Boomers drive their SUV’s off of a cliff listening to The Long Run. Anyway, the Eagles released their latest album exclusively through Wal-Mart and made millions, prompting other bands with fans that will actually buy their albums to follow suit. Azoff is like all managers, looking to squeeze every possible dime from these companies because he gets a couple of pennies from that dime. He doesn’t care what it means to anyone else. AC/DC is the latest to join the trend, but you know what? This trend sucks, because Wal-Mart sucks. Very simple math. If I have to give up a little bit of my soul just to enter and shop there, I can only imagine what deal with Satan that Azoff and these bands have to agree to for these deals. I know Sam Walton is already roasting over a slow spit in Hell, I hope they saved room for Irving Azoff, he deserves to spend his eternity with a hot poker shoved up his, well you get the idea.

Saturday, October 25, 2008


Who knew that between being Playboy's Playmate of the Year in 1994 and dating "funny man" Jim Carrey, Jenny McCarthy had time to become a wizard?  

I staunchly defend the right of celebs to spout off about whatever cause they come in contact with, I don't begrudge them the right to use their public profile to rally whatever attention they can muster for some greater good.  I figure that if the lazy public gets duped by listening to Richard Gere, then by God they deserve what they get.  McCarthy always seemed a bit different from the normal celebrity though.  She always came across as a kinda kooky, not serious about herself, normal person.  Then she went public with her son's diagnosis of Autism, and her subsequent fight against childhood vaccinations.  Her performance on Larry King Live was a low point in that show's long history of low points.  You felt bad for Ms. McCarthy but also embarrassed for her.

Now she claims to have cured her son using some special diet and, I presume, her own brand of magic.   Which is, of course, bitchin'.  I mean, I always knew her rack was fantastic and probably had special powers, but this is another level.  Witches have always been so scary and unappealing, hopefully this is a new trend.  All I know is that I am no longer going to waste my time taking my kids to the pediatrician when they are sick, I'm just going to go find the nearest Playmate I can find and have them look at them.  I'll feel better anyway, at least until the divorce kicks in.

Friday, October 24, 2008

The Rehab 5

1. Celebrity Rehab – Wow, what a horrific trainwreck that show is. Steven Adler? Tawny Whatever-the-hell-her-name-is? Gary Busey? I get the fact that these people have issues, serious issues, but who was the genius in their lives who decided that letting the public witness their horrible, horrible lives and struggles was a good idea? A local radio DJ said that he feels a world without a crazy, addicted Gary Busey is no world for us to live in and I have to agree, and I’ll go a bit further. A world where it isn’t possible to see mugshots of Tawny after she has beaten her husband with a shoe is no place for us either. Maybe she can make her comback on the hood of a military-grade HUMVEE, 'cause I don’t think that the Jag can take the weight anymore.

2. Beyonce – is now Sasha Fierce, or something crazy like that. What is it about these “artists” having alternate personas? Here’s a crazy thought, why not make an album full of good songs and promote the hell out of it? Maybe she can create another persona, one where she is talented and not scary as hell and full of herself?

3. Pirates – are still holding hostages? Really? How does this happen? Didn’t the Jolly Roger flying on the galleon’s mast give the crew a hint? Are they asking for doubloons and casks of rum?

4. Bye Lute – No, not a musical instrument of course, but Lute Olson is stepping down from his job as wildcat coach. I've never met Lute, but among high school basketball coaches, I have heard too many stories about how arrogant and insufferable he is. It is nice to see the man's true colors come out. Too bad Wildcat fans, your team is going down the crapper and Tucson is still a toilet. Suck it!

5. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans – or some stupid crap like that is coming out soon. I have to ask why? No Kate Beckinsale in an Underworld movie? The only point of those crapfests is the opportunity to ogle Kate in a variety of Latex/Leather outfits. The new girl just aint cutting it either. I guess that saves me 95 minutes of my life. 95 minutes I could be reading crap on the world wide interweb.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Movie Time

A cheap and gratuitous post, but here are some trailers of films that I want to see, or at least rent soon.

The last Bond was fantastic, so I have high hopes for this one.

I have an unreasonable affection for Kevin Smith movies and this one is no different. Additionally, the use of Traci Lords is always a nice touch.

Bad quality, but then again it is the trailer for The Transporter 3. I'll have to see it just because my wife will insist.

And finally, the latest addition to the Terminator series, which hopefully is better than the last.

I really enjoy the movie-going experience so hopefully these movies will at least merit seeing in the theater. Dan Harkins needs the money.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Bonus 5 - The October Surprise!

1. Socialists (part 2) - So grumpy uncle Johnny is going on and on again about Obama's 'socialist' tax policy. Before I comment, here is a basic definition of socialism:

Socialism refers to an economic theory of social organization advocating social or collective ownership and administration of the means of production and distribution of goods, and the creation of an egalitarian society where one's labor is the only important, individual factor of production. Modern socialism originated in the late nineteenth-century working class political movement. Karl Marx posited that socialism would be achieved via class struggle and a proletarian revolution which represents the transitional stage between capitalism and communism.

Socialists mainly share the belief that capitalism by nature concentrates power and wealth among a small segment of society that controls capital, and creates an unequal society. All socialists advocate the creation of an egalitarian society, in which wealth and power are distributed more evenly, although there is considerable disagreement among socialists over how, and to what extent this could be achieved.

Socialism is not a discrete philosophy of fixed doctrine and program; its branches advocate a degree of social interventionism and economic rationalization, sometimes opposing each other. Another dividing feature of the socialist movement is the split on how a socialist economy should be established between the reformists and the revolutionaries.

Now, I may not have a political science background, but I can read and comprehend at a 12th grade level. I have yet to see anything out of Obama's tax plan that advocates anything to the level of socialism. If anything it is a continuation of the Bush tax cuts.  For the uneducated out there, we have had a progressive tax rate here in American for decades, this does not effectively change this in any way. I guess that McCain just needs to construct another straw man to deflect attention away from his own foilbles.

2. Sexdrive - Am I the only one offended by the title of this film? I know, you look through this blog and ask yourself if Homer could actually be offended, but it is true. I mean, come on, Sexdrive? What's next the bromance, Holdin' My Wiener? If you are going to remake The Sure Thing, try to at least come up with a title I don't have to fast forward my dvr through.

3. Kick Ass Overlooked Song of the 80's - This is a new one, occasionally I will youtube up some overlooked 80's song that I like. Today's is from the great NYC metal band/project SOD. Someone used all the milk and Billy Milano ain't happy.

The ending is called "Chromatic Death" which was used for years as the Headbangers Ball theme.

4. W - Is anyone actually going to see this crapfest? To do satire, aren't you supposed to have wit? Wit and Oliver Stone have never been used together before. This stinks of a smarmy opportunity for Hollywood liberals dogpiling on the one of the worst presidents in our history. Don't revel in this folks, its sad, not funny.

5. Go Rays - I really don't have a dog in the hunt for the World Series anymore, I was actively rooting against the Dodgers, but I don't care about anything else. Well, except the fact that Red Sox fans have become insufferable, so screw the Red Sox, go Rays. Sorry Sportsguy.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


I had a huge rant typed up today at school about the final presidential debate that aired last night.  Yes, I was the world's greatest teacher today.  Anyway, it was really bitter and profane and showed all of the logic and compassion for which I am known.  As such, it was horribly flawed and unreadable.  So, rather than subject the few readers I have to that, I thought I'd offer up a couple of thoughts and a picture of Kate, who I would have voted for if she were eligible.  That's right, I already voted, so suck it.

1.  Joe the Plumber - I really wanted to find Joe the Plumber and hit him with an ill-fitted pipe filled with sand.  I'd have said a lead pipe, but they don't make them anymore.  Has there ever been such a transparent attempt at 'relating' to the populace as this?  By the time the debate was over I wanted not only to hit Joe, but to set fire to the advisers who included this milk-sop in their debate plan. 
2.  Obama is a Socialist - This is one of my favorite criticisms of Obama, and really any Democrat.  Do people who spout this crap even know what a socialist is, or what the political beliefs of socialists are?  Who exactly came up with a $700-$850 BILLION bailout for the banking/investment industry?  The idea that Democrats are more socialist than Republicans shows a marked lack of understanding.

3.  Pundits - The parade of freaks that CNN and Fox News trots out to analyze who "won" just shows that there are too many universities offering Political Science degrees.  The next time I need Bill Bennett to tell me anything about values and morals, I'll be in Vegas with some random stripper who found lifestyle inspiration in the movie Showgirls.  

4.  Off of politics for a moment - The Dodgers lost.  You suck LA.

5.  The Office - seems to be enjoying a renaissance.  The emergence of an evil Dwight has been outstanding and the new Toby is bitchin'.  It is no "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," but the new season has been surprisingly good thus far.  I think that after McCain loses this election, he could cameo on The Office as Creed's cranky older brother.  I think that would be sweet.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

A Solution for Everyone

So the Juice is in jail, just hanging out and looking forward to his appeal. Some feel he will prevail, others are hoping he endures his bi-weekly broom-handle raping with class and dignity. I'm hoping we can work something out with our British bretheren and put him in a cell with this jolly English chap:

Former Mr Gay UK 'slit lover's throat then marinated his diced flesh with fresh herbs'
A gay chef murdered his lover, cut out part of his leg, seasoned it with herbs and fried it, a court has heard.
Anthony Morley, 35, chewed one of the pieces before throwing it into his kitchen bin. Morley, a former holder of the Mr Gay UK title, then walked to a nearby takeaway restaurant and told horrified staff: 'I have killed someone, call the police'.
Officers found the naked body of 33-year-old Damian Oldfield on the floor of Morley's bedroom, Leeds Crown Court was told.
He had been stabbed 20 times and his throat cut. Morley later claimed Mr Oldfield had tried to rape him. Prosecutor Andrew Stubbs QC, warned jurors that details of the case were 'unpleasant and disturbing.'

Gee, do you really think those details were disturbing? Ah, those crazy Brits. Either way, I would love to see this guy make a Pez dispenser out of OJ. If he wants to eat him after he's dead? Well, that is a chance we'll just have to take.

Friday, October 03, 2008

I'll Eat Your Babies Bitch!

Here's a promo clip for my new favorite show's new season (warning: there are some disturbing images in this clip):

The Return of the Five

Homer returns and includes a picture of my newest hero, Sarah Palin. I'm just overjoyed that Sarah can feel my pain, while she looks out of her window and gazes upon her private plane. Whore. Anyway, here's this week's Five:

1. Sarah Palin – I don’t talk much about politics due to the fact that even the most obtuse American with a functioning cerebral cortex should be able to see through the propaganda the two major parties spew. I was obviously incorrect due to the fact that for some reason or other, many voters actually feel that Sarah Palin would be a benefit to the United States as the Vice President. Let that sink in for a moment.

Sarah Palin.

Vice-President of the United States.

Now that you’re back, could someone please explain this to me? It is obvious that this woman is borderline retarded, with only the most vague idea of how to regurgitate the party line, so how exactly would this be good? Exactly how long would it be before she tries to drill a well on the White House lawn? And would living next to the Atlantic Ocean make her an expert in modern international shipping laws, or just an expert in Vikings?

2. Choke Job – No, not the new movie from the writer of Fight Club (I don’t feel like looking up how to spell his last name), but rather the imminent demise of the Chicago Cubs. Trust me, I understand what it is like to root for a bad team, I’ve been a quasi-Cardinal fan for almost twenty years now, but the euphoria that has kept the city of Chicago from jumping off of the Sears Tower during these rough economic times has been shattered by the realization that those lovable Cubbies are really just the shitty Cubs, they could win 142 games in a year and still manage to get swept in the playoffs. Hey Cubs fan, you know the loser who has lived in Phoenix their whole life and still goes to Diamondback games in full Cubs regalia, next time you are in Chase Field check out the world championship banner from 2001. It’s pretty bitchin’ to be able to actually have been alive during a championship run. Not that you’d know, bitch.

3. Celebrity Blogs – I was talking to someone the other day and they were lamenting the fact that celebrity blogs and gossip sights have overtaken porn as the most searched for topic on the world-wide-interweb. Now, you normally have to read the Economist for such hard-hitting analysis as this, but it is a telling moment for our culture. How desensitized have we become to sex that we’d rather look at pictures of those asshats from the Hills than the gentle copulation of two, three, or four lovers? Frankly, I’m not sure if this development is good or bad. . . I’ll have to ruminate upon it, while searching for porn of course.

4. It’s Always Sunny – in Phoenix, but it isn’t nearly as funny as Philadelphia. I’ve written about the show before, briefly, but no words that I can put here do this brilliant piece of comedy any justice. It is the most profane, irreverent show I have ever seen. All Mac or Charlie needs is a black puppet and I may just have to re-rank my favorite television shows. If you’re not watching this, shame on you.

5. Movie Protests – Are another favorite of mine. They are usually soo effective. Remember how horrible the box office was for Tropic Thunder after all of the retards were upset about Ben Stiller’s portrayal of Simple Jack, a mentally challenged youth? Oh, that’s right, Tropic Thunder kicked all kinds of ass including getting The Dark Knight off of the top of the charts. Well now there is another movie coming out and another group of disaffected people who are angry. This time it’s the blind. Here is a clipping from an article I found:

The National Federation of the Blind is protesting the release of the film Blindness because, as NFB president Marc Maurer says it, "The movie portrays blind people as monsters and I believe it to be a lie."

That’s where Mr. Maurer is wrong. Dead wrong. The blind are monsters. Just check out how good their hearing and sense of smell are, it’s like they are superheroes or something. The thing that Mr. Maurer doesn’t understand is that even the blind are monstrous, we can still utilize their talents and abilities for good, not just evil. Maybe he’s just trying to hide something…

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Hammer of Justice Crushes You, Overpower!

As I have been known to do on a fine Saturday morning, I was perusing azcentral.com when I came across this article:

Dad chases naked teen from daughter's room with pipe

DELTONA, Fla. - An angry Deltona father whacked his teenage daughter's boyfriend with a metal pipe after finding the boy naked in his daughter's room.
Authorities say Raul Colon, 45, didn't even know his daughter had a boyfriend or that the youngster had been sneaking into the home for more than a year. When he heard noises coming from his daughter's bedroom Thursday morning and saw a stranger standing naked on the girl's bed, he swung a metal pipe. He then chased the teen out the front door and called police. The boy was taken to the hospital where doctors closed a head wound with staples. Colon was charged with aggravated battery on a child and bonded out on $10,000.

Now, I'm no law enforcement officer, or even a lawyer, but why the hell was this man arrested? The fact that this had gone on for over a year automatically disqualifies him from any Father of the Year awards, but c'mon. Everyone knows that if you are sneaking into a girls house, there is a strong possibility of an ass-kicking coming. He's just lucky this was in Florida, not in Arizona or Texas where we would be reading about the tragic death of some punk kid.

The kid should just pay his hospital bills, apologize to the father of the girl and then do what any self-respecting teen-aged boy would do: go tell his friends about how that dad got in a lucky shot and how he was totally railing his girlfriend's ass before the lights went out.

Don't Call it a Comeback!

Well, I haven't been here for years, but it feels like a long time. This has been my oft neglected little place on the net. I tried to keep the VanBlogger alive, but if it is just going to be me posting, I'll do it here, where it is more just my thing. I'll be posting whatever pops into mind, so settle in and welcome back to the Haven.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

George Lucas FTL!

I've been watching the Star Wars movies as they've been airing on Spike for the past few weeks.  All I can say is that Natalie Portman is very hot in some of the films and Hayden Christensen absolutely cannot act.  He is to acting as George Lucas is to dialogue.  Ugh.

Are the May Flowers Here Yet?

The last Big 5 of April is here and I know the excitement is thick in the air. Nothing is really jumping out as a lead story, so here we go:

1. Maxim Got One Right – For once anyway. This year’s Maxim Hot 100 is out and Megan Fox is numero uno. Yeah, I know that some people (myself included) believe that she may be dumber than your average Jack Russell terrier, but c’mon, she’s freakishly attractive, ridiculous tattoos and all. At least this proves that the editors of Maxim have eyes, years of putting Lindsay and Britney on top of this list have made me wonder.

2. Saturday Night Live – Was actually amusing last night. The commercial with Tina Fey (Annuel?) was hilarious. I only wish that Christopher Walken could get through one skit without staring holes through the cue cards.

3. The NFL Draft – Was this weekend. I love the NFL, but was unable to pay much attention to it this year, much to my wife’s joy. It’s the NFL equivalent of a Renaissance Festival, complete with dorks playing dress-up, but it’s important to the teams. Oh well, I know the Cardinals will suck regardless of their draft, so I can take solace in their suckitude.

4. Iron Man – Why don’t all of the trailers for this movie include the Black Sabbath song? Who makes these decisions? Just another example of poor marketing.

5. Painting Sucks – That is all.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Always a Hit with the Ladies


It's no "Smell Yo XXXX, but this is good British humor.  Or is that humour?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


So once again there were mysterious lights over the Phoenix area last night. Yay, it was another chance for our local media to becrap themselves at the idea that there might be aliens here. Or just maybe the local Air Force base was doing something that they don’t want to talk about.

Which is more likely? Aliens of course. Hopefully they’ve moved past the need for rectal probing, but if they haven’t there is always Rick D’Amico. I hope they have to use a fire-hose on that bastard.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Better Late...blah, blah, blah

Big things are afoot in Homerland, so it’s a couple of days late, but instead of five stories, you get as many as I can handle (which could only be two):

1. Bye Yanks! – In rich Steinbrenner tradition, Hank Steinbrenner went off yesterday, claiming that he is going to dictate the pitching rotation and other personnel moves now. He even is telling the press that Mike Mussina needs to learn to pitch like Jamie Moyer. Wow, I wish it were so easy, I’d like to be born into a millionaire’s family but that didn’t work out so well for me. Fuck off Hank, wait, I’m not a Yankee fan, I take it back: Love ya Hank!! Here’s to another summer of watching the Devil Rays kick the crap out of the Yankees, with the Yankees’ money.

2. Rock of Love II – The inevitable reunion of television’s classiest reality show broke out in a nasty case of Springer-itis. Nasty stuff. Anyway, it was a huge waste of time, unless you wanted to know that Bert and Ambre got it on in the tour bus after a Poison concert. I’d like to know if he was able to get rid of his Rock of Chlamydia first.

3. Suns Win! – Well, not yet they don’t. It did take a heroic effort on the Spurs part to win in double overtime, so here’s to hoping for a better result in the playoffs this year.

4. Interweb Photos – You can never go wrong with some bitchin’ internet geek humor. And in true dweeb fashion, in includes Star Wars. All we need is the Cingular Wizard. “WIZARD!!”

5. Fired Bloggers – Never mind

6. AC/DC/Judas Priest – News is out that these bands are releasing new product. The Judas Priest album will be a concept album based on the life of Nostradamus. There is no confirmation to the rumor that Halford is going to be in drag when they play this live. AC/DC is putting the finishing touches on their 15th version of their album. Should rock. Well, at least it is going to be something that moves their rocking chairs to when they move into their nursing home for the very rich and pampered in 10 years. I still cling to the belief that musicians and artists are good for 10 years and 6 albums before their inevitable decline. This is only staved off by common sense and sobriety.

7. The blessed sounds of silence – That followed news of Rumer Willis’ singing debut. The poor kid is cursed; Bruce’s looks and Demi’s talent. I’d feel bad for her if she didn’t act like a spoiled jackass in public. Anyway, we need to put the kibosh on her fledgling ‘music’ career; I don’t need to hear an album called Bruno’s Daughter.

8. Judd Backlash – I’m tired of hearing about Judd Apatow. Really, I am. I’m tired of the paeans of gushing critics; the shrill cries of misogyny; the invective about a man over-exposed, over-stretched, and over-rated; and the attempts at attaching some great social significance to his work. Either the movies are going to work, suck, or be 90 minutes of meh, outside of that let it go. I disagree with the notion of liking a movie based on who is in it or who made it. Much like music or any other artistic endeavor, it should be assessed on the work’s merit.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

The Big 5

The fun never stops in Homer's world.  Here are the big 5 stories of the week.

1.  My Name is Earl - what happens to a redneck loser when the funny dies?  Tune in next week to find out.  By the same token, what the hell was with this week's Office?  It takes how many weeks to come up with that crap?  Sad.

2.  MILF Island - 30 Rock came back with a home run though.  Just more evidence of Alec Baldwin's genius.  And Tina Fey can eat my poo, in a totally cool scat way.

3.  Outdoor baseball - I went to a Diamondback game this week, the roof was open and the D-Backs were kicking the hell out of the Rockies.  Life is good.  I like Chase Field, but being at a game is a million times cooler when the roof is open.

4.    Speaking of  baseball - what the hell is WHIP and OPS?  Do I really need to understand them to enjoy the subtle nuances of today's game?

5.  Finally, what the hell is with all of these ladies and their bangs?  Maria Sharapova does not need to rat out a Utah Claw, which I fear is the next step with the bangs she's got working now.  Although, rumor has it she's swinging for a new team, which is totally cool as a guy.  I know, shallow and cliche, but let's take a moment and hook her up with Kate Beckinsale and a tray of sushi.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Flannery O'Connor FTW!

Flannery O'Connor was a practitioner of the Southern Gothic writing style.  One of the best, at least until she died of lupus (I know House says it's never lupus, but in her case it was).  Anyway she wrote a story called 'Good Country People' that was about a bible salesman named Manley Pointer (subtle huh?) who meets a bitter, ugly girl named Hulga who has only one leg.  Manley takes Hulga up into a hayloft and seduces her.  In the course of this he convinces her to take her wooden leg off. 

When Hulga realizes Manley isn't a 'good country person' (it turns out his bibles are hollowed out and contain whisky and condoms), she wants to put her leg back on, but he grabs it and climbs down the ladder, leaving Hulga up in the hayloft all alone, legless.  Good times huh?

I wonder why no one ever gave Paul McCartney a copy of that story?

The Big 5

Nope, it's not just a sporting goods store anymore!  Better late than never, here's Homer's 5 stories of the week:

1.  Hot for Words - I love the English language, so by extension I love the Hot for Words website.  The lady who runs it used to be a high school teacher in Russia; someone explain why I live in the country that won the Cold War and we don't have teachers who look like that?  Fucking commies...

2.  Classic Rock - The CD player in my car is broken, so I have to listen to the radio now, which sucks.  Anyway, the wife and I were listening to some classic rock station (100.7, KSL -swish swish - X) and Heart's 'Magic Man' was on; wow what a strange tune.  I'm firmly convinced that most 60's and 70's music was specifically designed to get high to.  Maybe it makes the 8 minute keyboard/guitar duel endurable.  Not for the Moody Blues however, they just need to shut the hell up.

3.  Moses is dead - However you want to remember Charlton Heston is up to you, it's personal I know, but the man was an American icon.  Regardless of the fact that he was an abhorrent actor.  My personal favorite was The Naked Jungle, based on a short story called 'Leiningen Versus the Ants.'  That's right, a movie based on a guy having to stave off ant infestation to save his South American plantation.  Where else can you hear dialogue like "Leiningen's woman is brave"?

4.  Nick Lachey - Why exactly do I still hear about him?  What, he was pictured drinking with 19-20 year old women and Matt Leinart?  Nick's 34?  Wow, I thought Madonna was desperate to get her name in the papers, but apparently Nick need it just as bad.  Maybe Jessica Simpson needs to get her junk checked out, it's in the process of ruining every man who's encountered it (really? John Mayer and Perez Hilton???? WTF?).  Must be the syphilis.

5.  The New Kids on the Block - Seriously?  Are they going to change their names to something clever about being the old, pathetic guys down the on the corner now?  I really just cannot fathom the person that's excited about this.  What they need to do is have a big return concert and in the middle of the show, just bomb the hell out of the arena.  For the greater good and all.  What's next?  Or do I really not want to know the answer to that?

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Please God....

Make it fucking stop.  Seriously, just make her go away.  I'll go to church more diligently; I'll stop swearing and burning Paris Hilton in effigy.  Whatever it takes.  

Outside of a bunch of homosexual males with mommy issues, who cares about Madonna anymore? And no one, not even her husband wants to see that snatch again.  There was a time, what about 25 years ago now, where she was considered controversial, relevant and kinda sexy (in a dirty $5 whore kinda way).  Ever since she's been chasing publicity like Brittney Spears rooting around her car for stray Cheetos.  

It is bad enough that this haggard skank infects the world with her musical product, we need our vision polluted with the album art as well?  If you look closely, you can see the reinforcement needed to keep her junk under control.  As disgusting as this picture is, just imagine it without the magic of the Photoshop wizards.  Just imagining it makes my genitals angry with me. 

Ugh, I've got to find some sites with Kate Beckinsale pictures or something; purge the optic nerves.

Mmmmm boobalicious! Wait, maybe not.

Now, you're probably wondering why there is no graphic here.  Well, it's because this post is about subtlety and knowing when to say when.  I love guitars and, as my wife will tell you, I love boobs.  You would think that they would go together like chocolate and peanut butter right?  Wrong, dead freaking wrong.  Click here to see what I'm talking about (Warning, link might well be NSFW).  What kind of moron pays 3 grand for that guitar?  Where could you play it?  What a stupid idea.  

I guess what you're saying if you play that guitar is that it's all about the parts.  Forget sensuality or sexuality, it's about tits.  I'd love to track this guitar, to see who eventually buys it (because someone will), just so I can mercilessly mock them for the troglodyte-like moron they obviously are.

This Week's 5

I know, you're thinking to yourself "That bastard, he promised more content and failed to follow through again!"  Well, if you think that, you're wrong.  Dead wrong, so with that said, here's this week's top 5 Homer-interest stories:

1.  I love Dr. Pepper - and not just because they used to use Bugs Bunny in their commercials.  This week Dr. Pepper used Axl W. Rose to get some free publicity, promising a free can of Dr. Pepper to everyone in the United States if Guns and Roses The Chinese Democracy is released this year.  I guess I'll have to keep paying for my soda this year.  Fun fact, Geffen Records has paid over $10 million to Axl Rose for this record.  And record companies blame the internet for their business troubles.

2.  Baseball season/wabbit season - Well I'm not nearly as clever as Chuck Jones, so I'll let that joke pass, but another season of baseball is on the horizon.  I have high hopes for the Diamondbacks, but with this whole Doug Davis cancer thing, it could get dicey.  Doesn't he know it's awful selfish to get cancer during the season?  

3.  Rock of Love - as a follow up to a previous posting, they ramped up the crazy and the final few episodes look good.  Mumbly Jo is gone and they brought Heather back to pump up the insanity.  Looks good, unlike Brett's ferret, which looks like it needs a tick-bath.

4.  Moving sucks - putting all of your shit into boxes is one of the stupidest ideas ever.  'Nuff said.

5.  Justice - I saw this week that the family of the guy that was injured in Hulk Hogan's son's car (a lot of possessives there huh?) is suing the wrestler.  It's a sad story, but can someone please explain why Nick Bollea, or whatever the hell his name is, isn't in jail at the moment?  You want to curtail pseudo-celebrity entitlement, put one of these assholes in jail for a year so they can have their turn in the Saturday Night Glory Hole and you won't see anymore celebrity DUI's, I promise.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

We're going to get bloody on this Rog

Homer's Great Movies - Lethal Weapon

Greatness is a subjective concept when you are dealing with art.  What makes a great movie? Good actors? A good director? A good script? All of the above, or none?  There are so many movies out there that achieve greatness in so many different ways that it is problematic to dictate what a great film is, there are only people who like particular films.  Since my opinion is at least as valid as Michael Medved, whose moralistic screeds read like Calvinist rants wasted on the decadent American society of today, I figured I'd discuss a variety of movies that I think are great.  Up first is a groundbreaking action film of the late 80's, Lethal Weapon.

The mid to late 80's were a sort of golden era for action films.  Stallone and Schwartzenegger ruled the box office with their bloated, over-wrought cinematic abortions, heavy on the killing and one liners, short on character, plot, and authenticity.  Despite their popularity, these films were usually not very good.  Released in 1987, Lethal Weapon was different.  It showed a seedy side of L.A. that wasn't quite noir, but rather reflected the dirty underbelly of the L.A. drug culture that still retains some of the glitz of Hollywood.

The film was ostensibly action based, but for long stretches of time nothing happens.  We get actual character development, something rare in the genre.  We see Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson) struggling against the desire to kill himself, we see Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover) struggling to come to grips with his age and the fact that his children are growing up, and we see how these two men reluctantly accept the other into their lives.  The relationship between the two drives the film, elevating it from a 48 Hours imitation to something more.  The relationship between these two men off screen seems to have developed as well, but the two characters work organically towards some middle ground and it is fascinating to watch it happen.  

The cast sets this movie apart.  Yes, Glover and Gibson are fantastic in this film, but the rest of the cast with Gary Busey in his second tolerable role, Darlene Love as the glue of the Murtaugh family, and Mitch Ryan as General McCallister all give solid, effective performances.  Busey in particular should get a lot of credit, he could have gone way over the top as Mr. Joshua, but did not and the film is better for it.  Another interesting note is that this was one of the few films from the late 80's to deal with Vietnam veterans as people rather than symbols of a political agenda.  Most vets in action films were maladjusted losers and loners, that is not the case here, you simply have good guys and bad guys.

The plot is deceptively simple.  A group of ex-Vietnam veteran/mercenaries is importing heroin from Asia.  Riggs and Murtaugh stumble onto this fact in the course of another investigation.  The two detectives are pursuing these mercenaries when the mercenaries strike directly at the officers and Murtaugh's family.  As I said, the plot is simple, but the way in which the connections are made from the beginning of the film to the end are subtle.

This isn't to suggest that this movie is perfect however.  There are three things about this film that drive me crazy, the first of which is the fact that Eric Clapton and David Sanborn need to be killed, well maybe not killed,  but certainly maimed for what they subject the audience to with the music in this film.  The final two things that hurt this movie relate to the final climactic scene between Mr. Joshua and Riggs.  First of all the thought that the LAPD would let a cop killer and general psychopath duke it out with a fellow officer while everyone watches is patently stupid, but to really kill the scene Richard Donner directs the scene with all the skill of a six year old with his parents Super 8 recorder.  

Either way, the bad score and horrific ending are not enough to keep this movie from being one of the greatest action films ever made.  Not the best, but right up there.  It revitalized the action genre as a place where characters count.  Unfortunately, as the series went on, the film-makers lost track of what made the movies so popular and so good.

Friday, March 21, 2008


I'm browsing my own blog and I'm a little disturbed at all of the half-naked women pictured here.  Not that I'm a prude mind you, but I would hate to be pigeon-holed by all of the one or two people who read this.  Just be assured that I have other writing ideas in the pipeline that have no tangible connection to anything sexual, like my burgeoning interest in French art for example.  Anyway, I can't guarantee there won't be weekly pictures of Kate Beckinsale or her ilk, but they won't be the focus of this blog.  

If Your Sushi Smells Like 'Gina - There's Something Wrong with It

Not much could dissuade my infatuation with Kate Beckinsale - just read this blog - but she's way off base with this sushi thing.  She was recently quoted as saying she'd rather eat vagina than sushi.  Now, the thought of Kate in some sort of lesbian tryst is pretty bitchin', but it saddens me to hear her slander sushi this way.  I love sushi.  Maybe not as much as Kate likes pussy, but close.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

5 Things...

This week's 5 stories were easy.  Anytime I can work Kate into casual conversation, let alone talking about her underwear, it is a good week.

1. Kate Beckinsale – Apparently Kate went on the Craig Ferguson show and declared she wasn’t wearing underwear. I’m not sure if she meant currently or continually. Either way, I’m not sure there shouldn’t be a law barring her from wearing underwear nearly every day. Maybe Obama can get on that.

2. March Madness – Still not happy about the Sun Devils being shunned, but I am enjoying the tournament this year. No upsets so far, but there is some good basketball being played. And the Sun Devils are playing well in the NIT.  By the way, it is a good thing that UA got in, their strength of schedule really helped them.

3. Lindsay Lohan Sex Tape – Talk about hype. There was a grainy shot of a girl with long hair working a blow-job. Really it wouldn't have shocked anyone if it was Lindsay, but apparently this was fake. If someone is going to go through the trouble of faking a sex tape, wouldn’t you at least find an attractive celebrity to slander? Just a thought.

4. Slash’s Book – I read Slash’s autobiography this week. It was really interesting, if nothing else it really shows what a seedy business the entertainment world is. The drugs, the manipulation, the delusions of grandeur; it is no wonder that Guns and Roses hasn’t put an album out in 10 years. It’s a good read if you have the time.

5. Easter – Look I get the fact that this day has morphed into a secular holiday, and by no stretch am I sitting at home memorizing my bible right now, but we need to back this shit down. I was in Wal-Mart the other day (again, Wal-Mart steals a bit of my soul every time I go in there) and they had a display set up for their upcoming ‘Take your picture with the Easter Bunny’ promotion. You just know that Sam Walton is in hell right now.

Mumbly Joe - The Rock of Love II

The original Rock of Love starring Brett Michaels was a little slice of comedy heaven.  I have never been a fan of the reality dating shows.  They all seemed to take themselves so seriously that it was actually a breath of fresh air when Flava Flave debuted Flava of Love on VH1.  The extreme trashiness and willingness of the "ladies" to degrade themselves made for some compelling, entertaining drama.  Flava was so successful that VH1 thought to themselves, "well, this is fantastic, is there another demographic we can exploit?  What's that? White trash?  Sounds fantastic, all we need is a desperate, old rock guy who's starting to fade.  Sebastian Bach?  Nah, he's already married; Steven Tyler? No, no one is going to line up to date their grandma.  Axl Rose?  He still thinks the latest Guns album is going to come out next month.  Brett Michaels? He's still alive?  Yeah, get him."  And Rock of Love was born. 

The first season of Rock of Love was classic reality television.  There were villains, psychos, whores (literally and figuratively), and one plucky young gal who won Brett's heart.  Jess was easily the least psychotic figure on the show that season (unless you count the ferret that lives on Brett's head; he's kick ass), or so we thought until we found out that their romance didn't last past the taping of the season.  She went back home to hang with her real boyfriend and Brett was lost, still looking for his rock goddess to share his life with, or so he'd like us to think.

Which of course brings us to season two, which is curiously un-compelling.  I am still enjoying the show; it is full of brainless fun and psychotic bimbos (one of which you can rent by the hour and act, look around you can figure out who she is), but there is a serious lack of drama this year for the viewer, even as it seems like the drama in the house is more brutal than ever.  The show should be more watchable than ever, but it's not because it seems like there is no one to root for in this house.  In the beginning of the season, there seemed to be good tension and some whacky characters, but as the season has rolled along, outside of Mumbly Jo's bi-polar disorder, the girls have played it too nice.  Mumbly Jo could have been the villain of the season, but she was too crazy to think her strategy of pissing everyone off effectively.

I hope that the rest of the season fulfills the promise of the early episodes and the roles of the girls become more pronounced.  Otherwise, it seems like Brett and his ferret are going to slip quietly back into the cesspool of 80's rock lead singers from which they oozed and we'll all be subjected to more face time for Hulkamania or Danny Bonaduce.  That's a fate no one wants.

Monday, March 17, 2008


I am pissed about the NCAA selection.  I'll get that out in the open right here at the outset.  I'm not surprised, but I am disappointed about the fact that Arizona State was left out of the dance.  Most people would assume that I'm bitter about the University of Arizona getting in, but I'm really not.  I figure the Wildcats deserve to be there as much as Oregon and many of the other at-large teams, quite frankly because the Pac-10 is the best basketball conference in the nation.  The Sun Devils deserve to be there as well.  The list of reasons is long and boring, but they earned their way into the field of 64 and the selection committee should be ashamed.

Either way, the Sun Devils had a great year and I hope they have a good showing in the NIT is a springboard to a special year in 2008-2009.  For all of those Wildcat fans, get used to the idea that you are no longer the only game in town.  BTW, has UA beaten ASU this school year in anything?  I love it!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Raping Our Childhood

A common complaint today is that Hollywood and the entertainment industry is in the process of raping our childhood.  We have seen a crush of movies and other visual mediums re-making or re-creating movies, television shows, or cartoons that were popular in the 80's; everything from the Transformers movie to a rumored resurrection of The A-Team.  

I guess I am just not that attached to my cherished childhood movies or television anymore.  I don't care.  If Hollywood is so creatively bankrupt that they need to "reimagine" The Breakfast Club, then have at it.  My memories of favorite films are still there, I'm not that old yet.   I find the trend sad and pathetic, but oh well.  To anyone who does get upset about this I guess you'll just have to get over it, or go on a killing rampage that must begin at Michael Bay's house.  I can give you the directions, just ask.

I do have a final suggestion to Hollywood, and I know they're listening.  If you are going to rape my childhood, continue casting Megan Fox, okay?

Pat Tillman - Hall of Fame

I've gone on record before as not being the biggest fan of the concept of a Hall of Fame. Too often these halls merely reflect the biases and opinions of whoever is deciding who gets in. Madonna? Grand Master Flash? Miles Davis? Do any of these people deserve to be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? My point exactly, and as long as jackasses like Bill Conlin are allowed to decide who gets into Cooperstown, then the Baseball Hall of Fame can suck it as well.

Anyhow, the point of this post is that Pat Tillman is currently under consideration for the College Football Hall of Fame. As a Sun Devil, this is good news to me, but I would want to make sure that he is being considered for his this honor based on his performance on the field. Lost in all of the hyperbole surrounding his death was the fact that while he was a solid professional safety, he was a kick-ass college linebacker. He was the Pac-10 Defensive Player of the Year in 1997 and was one of the leaders of the 1996 Rose Bowl team that was seconds away from being national champions. He was fast, hit hard, and unafraid to speak his mind (as evidenced by his interview after the upset of #1 Nebraska in '96).

The tragic results of his Army service and his impact on the national scene are a small sidelight to why Tillman deserves to be in the Hall. He was that good. I just hope that some feeble-minded sportswriter doesn't get it in his head that Pat doesn't deserve this honor, that would be a shame.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Hey Bond-STFU!!!

So I'm minding my own business today, just reading the news on azcentral.com when I come across this horrifying headline:

Daniel Craig wants to record Bond theme

Talk about horrifying. Look, hasn't William Shanter taught us enough about the pain associated with actors trying to sing? Does this scenario ever end well? I applaud Daniel Craig and his efforts to resurrect the Bond franchise from stupid film-makers, but someone needs to remind Daniel that his strength is in looking good and letting bad guys rack him in the nads, leave the singing to the professionals.  Like Britney Spears. Wait, nevermind Mr. Craig, I take it all back.

Weekend Update

I’m totally going to steal this idea from withleather.com. It is a top 5 of the week post, in which the 5 things can really be about anything. So here is this weeks homershaven power rankings:

1. Kate Beckinsale’s new movie – I will probably never see it, as I have only seen three of her movies: Underworld, Van Helsing, and Much Ado About Nothing. Either way, it is supposed to be a pretty decent film, but the best part is Kate will be out there promoting it, which is always a good thing from my perspective.

2. The Suns keep winning – Ever since they traded for Shaq, all we’ve heard is that they were stupid and now have no chance. Well guess what NBA genius? They didn’t really have a shot with Marion either, so who cares.

3. The Sun Devils better dance – after beating Stanford, Arizona (twice), Xavier, and USC this year in addition to being screwed by the refs at the end of the tournament game Thursday, the selection committee for the NCAA had better get this one right.

4. Iron Maiden on a massive tour – Explain to me how this works. A slightly above average stoner/metal band from the early 80’s is somehow still touring and successful in 2008. Kids still walk around in The Trooper shirts, yet most of them weren’t even functioning sperm when that song was released. Shouldn't there be more recent bands who pull this kind of stuff? What's that? New music is mostly shit? Well, I guess that explains how Robert Plant can be offered $200,000,000 to tour with a reformed Zeppelin and turn it down. Maybe he's waiting for a ridiculous offer.

5. I've got gas - Finally, it's an election year, isn't someone going to take a stand and do something to lower gas prices? Jeez, it's going to be $4.00 soon, and people with garden hoses are going to be going on siphoning sprees until we end up in some Mad Max apocalypse. That would suck.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Breathing Life Back into the Haven

So it's been several months since I posted here, but that is coming to an end.  I intend to kick this back into high gear, so hold on to your pants, cause there's all kinds of navel-gazing shit coming right up!  

Expect more later today, or not who the hell knows!  Jenny McCarthy? Nah, but she looks better than I do, so up she goes.