Friday, October 31, 2008

Unleash the fury!

No, not Yngwie Malmsteen, but Sinbad. Here's a little something for those unfortunate fools who have never watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Enjoy!

But I Like Pictures

So I'm spending my Halloween evening watching The DaVinci Code on tnt, and I was just wondering if Tom Hanks got to take that rockin' wig home with him after filming the movie. It really should have it's own wiki page, it is one epic wig. I guess he could wear it every Halloween if he was going as a pretentious douche. I don't know who to call a bigger jerk, Hanks or Dan Brown, but in the spirit of Kathy Griffin (speaking of horrid rugs) they can both suck it.

No Fancy Pictures!

Not every post needs bitchin' pictures of scantily dressed women. Here's proof. A Halloween 4, with absolutely no Halloween content.

1. Reality Television – I’m not sure what the deal is with ‘reality’ television. Common sense tells us that these shows are nearly as scripted as any other storytelling medium and they are certainly edited to the point of manipulation as the producers try to wring out the last drops of tension and crazy. Which is what drives me nuts about this crap. I am not saying I don’t watch some of these shows, Rock of Love, Top Chef, and Making the Team are the three that I’ve watched the most, but the problem I have with these shows is that they are so obviously not real. Each scenario is plotted and manipulated so each of these unbalanced fame-whores are ready to degrade themselves and each other in any way the show chooses. And we eat it up, usually rooting for the craziest person in the room.

Now there are even more shows coming as network executives see the unquenched thirst for this tripe, and the bottom line is that these shows are cheap to produce. We have shows where people compete for film roles, to be a make-up artist to the stars, and just about everything else there is to do. You know we used to have competitions for this kind of stuff before reality television, it was called life and when you applied for a job they picked the best candidate and if they didn’t work out, you got fired and they replaced you. What a colossal waste of time, money, and airspace. I long for a day when the drones that populate this world wake up and demand more for their precious time. Let’s face it, nearly all television is mindless escapism, shouldn’t we demand more from it?

2. Election Day – November 4 is drawing nearer, meaning either Obama or McCain is drawing closer to irrelevance. This seems like it is the longest election season ever. I cannot imagine how long and horrible it must have been before the days of mass communication. Ugh, why would anyone want to do that job? Must be the interns, right Billy?

3. The Best – Why do we feel the need to quantify really good things? I was watching my new favorite show, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia the other day and I was starting to debate in my head where I would rank this show among my all time favorites. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I going to turn into the annoying John Cusack character in High Fidelity, making inane and annoying lists about random meaningless crap? I hope not, but in the spirit of the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons, Arrested Development is the best. television. show. ever.

4. Wal-Mart + Irving Azoff = The Devil – Possibly the most annoying trend to roll down the pike recently is this ‘exclusive’ release by musicians into certain stores, most notably Wal-Mart. The Eagles started the trend, and let’s be honest the only trend they should be responsible for is the impending one where aging Baby Boomers drive their SUV’s off of a cliff listening to The Long Run. Anyway, the Eagles released their latest album exclusively through Wal-Mart and made millions, prompting other bands with fans that will actually buy their albums to follow suit. Azoff is like all managers, looking to squeeze every possible dime from these companies because he gets a couple of pennies from that dime. He doesn’t care what it means to anyone else. AC/DC is the latest to join the trend, but you know what? This trend sucks, because Wal-Mart sucks. Very simple math. If I have to give up a little bit of my soul just to enter and shop there, I can only imagine what deal with Satan that Azoff and these bands have to agree to for these deals. I know Sam Walton is already roasting over a slow spit in Hell, I hope they saved room for Irving Azoff, he deserves to spend his eternity with a hot poker shoved up his, well you get the idea.

Saturday, October 25, 2008


Who knew that between being Playboy's Playmate of the Year in 1994 and dating "funny man" Jim Carrey, Jenny McCarthy had time to become a wizard?  

I staunchly defend the right of celebs to spout off about whatever cause they come in contact with, I don't begrudge them the right to use their public profile to rally whatever attention they can muster for some greater good.  I figure that if the lazy public gets duped by listening to Richard Gere, then by God they deserve what they get.  McCarthy always seemed a bit different from the normal celebrity though.  She always came across as a kinda kooky, not serious about herself, normal person.  Then she went public with her son's diagnosis of Autism, and her subsequent fight against childhood vaccinations.  Her performance on Larry King Live was a low point in that show's long history of low points.  You felt bad for Ms. McCarthy but also embarrassed for her.

Now she claims to have cured her son using some special diet and, I presume, her own brand of magic.   Which is, of course, bitchin'.  I mean, I always knew her rack was fantastic and probably had special powers, but this is another level.  Witches have always been so scary and unappealing, hopefully this is a new trend.  All I know is that I am no longer going to waste my time taking my kids to the pediatrician when they are sick, I'm just going to go find the nearest Playmate I can find and have them look at them.  I'll feel better anyway, at least until the divorce kicks in.

Friday, October 24, 2008

The Rehab 5

1. Celebrity Rehab – Wow, what a horrific trainwreck that show is. Steven Adler? Tawny Whatever-the-hell-her-name-is? Gary Busey? I get the fact that these people have issues, serious issues, but who was the genius in their lives who decided that letting the public witness their horrible, horrible lives and struggles was a good idea? A local radio DJ said that he feels a world without a crazy, addicted Gary Busey is no world for us to live in and I have to agree, and I’ll go a bit further. A world where it isn’t possible to see mugshots of Tawny after she has beaten her husband with a shoe is no place for us either. Maybe she can make her comback on the hood of a military-grade HUMVEE, 'cause I don’t think that the Jag can take the weight anymore.

2. Beyonce – is now Sasha Fierce, or something crazy like that. What is it about these “artists” having alternate personas? Here’s a crazy thought, why not make an album full of good songs and promote the hell out of it? Maybe she can create another persona, one where she is talented and not scary as hell and full of herself?

3. Pirates – are still holding hostages? Really? How does this happen? Didn’t the Jolly Roger flying on the galleon’s mast give the crew a hint? Are they asking for doubloons and casks of rum?

4. Bye Lute – No, not a musical instrument of course, but Lute Olson is stepping down from his job as wildcat coach. I've never met Lute, but among high school basketball coaches, I have heard too many stories about how arrogant and insufferable he is. It is nice to see the man's true colors come out. Too bad Wildcat fans, your team is going down the crapper and Tucson is still a toilet. Suck it!

5. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans – or some stupid crap like that is coming out soon. I have to ask why? No Kate Beckinsale in an Underworld movie? The only point of those crapfests is the opportunity to ogle Kate in a variety of Latex/Leather outfits. The new girl just aint cutting it either. I guess that saves me 95 minutes of my life. 95 minutes I could be reading crap on the world wide interweb.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Movie Time

A cheap and gratuitous post, but here are some trailers of films that I want to see, or at least rent soon.

The last Bond was fantastic, so I have high hopes for this one.

I have an unreasonable affection for Kevin Smith movies and this one is no different. Additionally, the use of Traci Lords is always a nice touch.

Bad quality, but then again it is the trailer for The Transporter 3. I'll have to see it just because my wife will insist.

And finally, the latest addition to the Terminator series, which hopefully is better than the last.

I really enjoy the movie-going experience so hopefully these movies will at least merit seeing in the theater. Dan Harkins needs the money.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Bonus 5 - The October Surprise!

1. Socialists (part 2) - So grumpy uncle Johnny is going on and on again about Obama's 'socialist' tax policy. Before I comment, here is a basic definition of socialism:

Socialism refers to an economic theory of social organization advocating social or collective ownership and administration of the means of production and distribution of goods, and the creation of an egalitarian society where one's labor is the only important, individual factor of production. Modern socialism originated in the late nineteenth-century working class political movement. Karl Marx posited that socialism would be achieved via class struggle and a proletarian revolution which represents the transitional stage between capitalism and communism.

Socialists mainly share the belief that capitalism by nature concentrates power and wealth among a small segment of society that controls capital, and creates an unequal society. All socialists advocate the creation of an egalitarian society, in which wealth and power are distributed more evenly, although there is considerable disagreement among socialists over how, and to what extent this could be achieved.

Socialism is not a discrete philosophy of fixed doctrine and program; its branches advocate a degree of social interventionism and economic rationalization, sometimes opposing each other. Another dividing feature of the socialist movement is the split on how a socialist economy should be established between the reformists and the revolutionaries.

Now, I may not have a political science background, but I can read and comprehend at a 12th grade level. I have yet to see anything out of Obama's tax plan that advocates anything to the level of socialism. If anything it is a continuation of the Bush tax cuts.  For the uneducated out there, we have had a progressive tax rate here in American for decades, this does not effectively change this in any way. I guess that McCain just needs to construct another straw man to deflect attention away from his own foilbles.

2. Sexdrive - Am I the only one offended by the title of this film? I know, you look through this blog and ask yourself if Homer could actually be offended, but it is true. I mean, come on, Sexdrive? What's next the bromance, Holdin' My Wiener? If you are going to remake The Sure Thing, try to at least come up with a title I don't have to fast forward my dvr through.

3. Kick Ass Overlooked Song of the 80's - This is a new one, occasionally I will youtube up some overlooked 80's song that I like. Today's is from the great NYC metal band/project SOD. Someone used all the milk and Billy Milano ain't happy.

The ending is called "Chromatic Death" which was used for years as the Headbangers Ball theme.

4. W - Is anyone actually going to see this crapfest? To do satire, aren't you supposed to have wit? Wit and Oliver Stone have never been used together before. This stinks of a smarmy opportunity for Hollywood liberals dogpiling on the one of the worst presidents in our history. Don't revel in this folks, its sad, not funny.

5. Go Rays - I really don't have a dog in the hunt for the World Series anymore, I was actively rooting against the Dodgers, but I don't care about anything else. Well, except the fact that Red Sox fans have become insufferable, so screw the Red Sox, go Rays. Sorry Sportsguy.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


I had a huge rant typed up today at school about the final presidential debate that aired last night.  Yes, I was the world's greatest teacher today.  Anyway, it was really bitter and profane and showed all of the logic and compassion for which I am known.  As such, it was horribly flawed and unreadable.  So, rather than subject the few readers I have to that, I thought I'd offer up a couple of thoughts and a picture of Kate, who I would have voted for if she were eligible.  That's right, I already voted, so suck it.

1.  Joe the Plumber - I really wanted to find Joe the Plumber and hit him with an ill-fitted pipe filled with sand.  I'd have said a lead pipe, but they don't make them anymore.  Has there ever been such a transparent attempt at 'relating' to the populace as this?  By the time the debate was over I wanted not only to hit Joe, but to set fire to the advisers who included this milk-sop in their debate plan. 
2.  Obama is a Socialist - This is one of my favorite criticisms of Obama, and really any Democrat.  Do people who spout this crap even know what a socialist is, or what the political beliefs of socialists are?  Who exactly came up with a $700-$850 BILLION bailout for the banking/investment industry?  The idea that Democrats are more socialist than Republicans shows a marked lack of understanding.

3.  Pundits - The parade of freaks that CNN and Fox News trots out to analyze who "won" just shows that there are too many universities offering Political Science degrees.  The next time I need Bill Bennett to tell me anything about values and morals, I'll be in Vegas with some random stripper who found lifestyle inspiration in the movie Showgirls.  

4.  Off of politics for a moment - The Dodgers lost.  You suck LA.

5.  The Office - seems to be enjoying a renaissance.  The emergence of an evil Dwight has been outstanding and the new Toby is bitchin'.  It is no "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," but the new season has been surprisingly good thus far.  I think that after McCain loses this election, he could cameo on The Office as Creed's cranky older brother.  I think that would be sweet.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

A Solution for Everyone

So the Juice is in jail, just hanging out and looking forward to his appeal. Some feel he will prevail, others are hoping he endures his bi-weekly broom-handle raping with class and dignity. I'm hoping we can work something out with our British bretheren and put him in a cell with this jolly English chap:

Former Mr Gay UK 'slit lover's throat then marinated his diced flesh with fresh herbs'
A gay chef murdered his lover, cut out part of his leg, seasoned it with herbs and fried it, a court has heard.
Anthony Morley, 35, chewed one of the pieces before throwing it into his kitchen bin. Morley, a former holder of the Mr Gay UK title, then walked to a nearby takeaway restaurant and told horrified staff: 'I have killed someone, call the police'.
Officers found the naked body of 33-year-old Damian Oldfield on the floor of Morley's bedroom, Leeds Crown Court was told.
He had been stabbed 20 times and his throat cut. Morley later claimed Mr Oldfield had tried to rape him. Prosecutor Andrew Stubbs QC, warned jurors that details of the case were 'unpleasant and disturbing.'

Gee, do you really think those details were disturbing? Ah, those crazy Brits. Either way, I would love to see this guy make a Pez dispenser out of OJ. If he wants to eat him after he's dead? Well, that is a chance we'll just have to take.

Friday, October 03, 2008

I'll Eat Your Babies Bitch!

Here's a promo clip for my new favorite show's new season (warning: there are some disturbing images in this clip):

The Return of the Five

Homer returns and includes a picture of my newest hero, Sarah Palin. I'm just overjoyed that Sarah can feel my pain, while she looks out of her window and gazes upon her private plane. Whore. Anyway, here's this week's Five:

1. Sarah Palin – I don’t talk much about politics due to the fact that even the most obtuse American with a functioning cerebral cortex should be able to see through the propaganda the two major parties spew. I was obviously incorrect due to the fact that for some reason or other, many voters actually feel that Sarah Palin would be a benefit to the United States as the Vice President. Let that sink in for a moment.

Sarah Palin.

Vice-President of the United States.

Now that you’re back, could someone please explain this to me? It is obvious that this woman is borderline retarded, with only the most vague idea of how to regurgitate the party line, so how exactly would this be good? Exactly how long would it be before she tries to drill a well on the White House lawn? And would living next to the Atlantic Ocean make her an expert in modern international shipping laws, or just an expert in Vikings?

2. Choke Job – No, not the new movie from the writer of Fight Club (I don’t feel like looking up how to spell his last name), but rather the imminent demise of the Chicago Cubs. Trust me, I understand what it is like to root for a bad team, I’ve been a quasi-Cardinal fan for almost twenty years now, but the euphoria that has kept the city of Chicago from jumping off of the Sears Tower during these rough economic times has been shattered by the realization that those lovable Cubbies are really just the shitty Cubs, they could win 142 games in a year and still manage to get swept in the playoffs. Hey Cubs fan, you know the loser who has lived in Phoenix their whole life and still goes to Diamondback games in full Cubs regalia, next time you are in Chase Field check out the world championship banner from 2001. It’s pretty bitchin’ to be able to actually have been alive during a championship run. Not that you’d know, bitch.

3. Celebrity Blogs – I was talking to someone the other day and they were lamenting the fact that celebrity blogs and gossip sights have overtaken porn as the most searched for topic on the world-wide-interweb. Now, you normally have to read the Economist for such hard-hitting analysis as this, but it is a telling moment for our culture. How desensitized have we become to sex that we’d rather look at pictures of those asshats from the Hills than the gentle copulation of two, three, or four lovers? Frankly, I’m not sure if this development is good or bad. . . I’ll have to ruminate upon it, while searching for porn of course.

4. It’s Always Sunny – in Phoenix, but it isn’t nearly as funny as Philadelphia. I’ve written about the show before, briefly, but no words that I can put here do this brilliant piece of comedy any justice. It is the most profane, irreverent show I have ever seen. All Mac or Charlie needs is a black puppet and I may just have to re-rank my favorite television shows. If you’re not watching this, shame on you.

5. Movie Protests – Are another favorite of mine. They are usually soo effective. Remember how horrible the box office was for Tropic Thunder after all of the retards were upset about Ben Stiller’s portrayal of Simple Jack, a mentally challenged youth? Oh, that’s right, Tropic Thunder kicked all kinds of ass including getting The Dark Knight off of the top of the charts. Well now there is another movie coming out and another group of disaffected people who are angry. This time it’s the blind. Here is a clipping from an article I found:

The National Federation of the Blind is protesting the release of the film Blindness because, as NFB president Marc Maurer says it, "The movie portrays blind people as monsters and I believe it to be a lie."

That’s where Mr. Maurer is wrong. Dead wrong. The blind are monsters. Just check out how good their hearing and sense of smell are, it’s like they are superheroes or something. The thing that Mr. Maurer doesn’t understand is that even the blind are monstrous, we can still utilize their talents and abilities for good, not just evil. Maybe he’s just trying to hide something…