Friday, March 27, 2009

Keepin' the Pimp Hand Strong

Sometimes them hookers get uppity and bit your tongue and stuff, and you just gotta knock that bitch out.  At least that is how the Sham-Wow guy rolls.  Camera guy are you catchin' this???

PS - How would this situation be different if it was Billy Mays?  I guess the hooker would be covered with black beard dye...

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Back to Normal 5

1. Death and Poetry – In more death news, the son of Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath committed suicide over the weekend. Talk about a depressing family circle. Plath, for those of you who aren’t feminist writers or English majors, was an American poet who wrote some very interesting, troubled poetry back in the mid-60’s. She had attempted suicide several times before finally succeeding after her husband, poet Ted Hughes, left her for another woman. The other woman killed herself a few years later, and now Nicolas Hughes has joined in the family tradition. It’s a sad ending to a sad story. Go read some Sylvia Plath, it is some good stuff.

2. DEA Wants Money – Apparently the DEA wants that money that was flying around a California highway over the weekend. They are studying video accounts of the story for clues to the identities of people who stopped along the road to pick up cash. Gee, this is a great use of DEA manpower and funds. Meanwhile I can walk onto any high school or college in the US and score any kind of drug I want. Smart government.

3. Handcuffs – So a Connecticut woman decided to use handcuff in the least sexy way possible, outside of a bestiality arrest. She just wanted to talk to her estranged husband, so she handcuffed herself to him while he slept and when he tried to get away she bit and assaulted him. I wonder why he’d want to leave a winner like her? I don’t quite understand…

4. Julia Roberts – I think I’ve been pretty clear on my view of Julia Roberts in the past (short recap: she needs to be sent to the glue factory), but today I read about how uncomfortable she was shooting love scenes with Clive Owens in their latest film. Imagine how he must have felt, probably like the actor who played Kelly in Clerks 2, but I digress. The worst part for Roberts was the fact that her son was on set watching, making her uncomfortable. Gee, why would that bother anyone? I just hope Jenna Jameson isn’t taking parenting tips from Julia or her kids are going to be more scarred than they are going to be already.

5. Cindy Crawford thinks she looks “pretty good” according to recent published reports. After looking at the pictures, my only response is “You think?”

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Back to Business...

Well, spring  break is over now, it is back to the usual grind.  Bleh.  Anyway, I know that I've used this picture before, but it is well worth using again.  Down to brass tacks -

1.  I read a story this morning about a dude on Texas' death row who only had one eye.  Not newsworthy huh?  Well, he decided one morning to pull out his only eye and eat it.  Nice.  Is the food in Texas prisons that bad?  Or was he just trying to continue his journey of the force unimpeded by his sight?  Moving on...

2.  Detroit Tells Whitey to Get Out - I knew that Detroit was a wasteland of pain and misery, but apparently it is the land of crazy as well.  Read this to get the idea.  I was just wondering if it were possible to give a city away?  It's close to Canada, right?  Is there a downside to this idea?

3.  Apparently Seth Rogen won't return Lindsay Lohan's calls.  Hmmmm.  I guess that proves that some movie stars aren't that desperate.  

4.  I was born too soon - I read today that there is a Rock Paper Scissors championship in Panama City, FL with a $20, 000 scholarship on the line.  Scholarship?  Someone with those skills don't need none of that education!

It's the Economy Stupid!!

Since Rhode Island is leading the way in unemployment, at something like 11%, it only makes sense that a Providence strip club is having a job fair.  I'm sure that resumes will be strictly checked and references called.  I'm going to bet money that anyone showing up for this will be someone who the public will pay to stay clothed.  Just a hunch...

Oh, and how soon after Ms. Berkley shot that scene did she need to go get her shots?

Friday, March 20, 2009

What is Chickenfoot?

Other than a huge FU to Van Halen?  The new band featuring Sammy Hagar, Michael Anthony, Joe Satriani, and Chad Smith looks to be fantastic.  This, I will pay money to see. 

Although I would like to know when Will Farrell joined the Red Hot Chili Peppers?

Poor Bill,

Bill seems a bit distraught at the Temple demise.  Too bad, you old confused bastard...

Go Devils!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

A Test

Here is a test of your endurance. If you can make it all of the way through this video, then you are a stronger person than I am. I'm all for celebrating your god (of God, whichever you prefer), but my God will allow me to laugh at you for acting like a dork.

Videos like this make me miss the Vanblogger.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Spring Break - Day 3

So I'm sitting here on a Wednesday, thinking to myself that I need to spend my spring break more effectively, I mean there is only one Kate picture for the week.  I don't even know this blog anymore...

Anyway, here are some random thoughts for the week thus far:

1.  Texas is the home of the free, home of the brave right?  Well, apparently it is the new hotbed of the nanny state.  The state of Texas is considering banning teenagers from using tanning beds.  Do we really need to go there?  I mean, where is the next generation of cheerleaders/strippers going to go get their cancer on?  (Did you see what I did there?  Hotbed, tanning beds?? Damn, I'm good at this interwebz thing)

2.  Talk about moving up - Guy Ritchie has somehow upgraded from that leathery-snappy thing in Madonna to Elle McPherson.  I guess he deserves some reward for falling on that sword for the rest of us for the past decade.  

3.  AIG - I didn't understand why the hell we should keep spending money on AIG, but then it hit me, the government spends trillions that I never see, why the hell should I care?  But seriously, I think instead of making the AIG executives pay their bonuses back, they should publish their names and addresses and let the law of the jungle sort it all out.  I'll grab the shovel...

How Soon?

So how soon is too soon for me to ask when Liam Neeson is going to load up the snakes and get his revenge upon the ski-slope?

Just askin'

(And if you don't get the Next of Kin reference, you should run out to Blockbuster and grab it.  NOW)

Runnin' with the Devils!

So we are about 48 hours away from the Sun Devils and Temple Owls in Miami.  This tournament will mark the end of the James Harden era at ASU, which is too bad, but he's going to be off making his millions so I'm not going to feel too bad for him.  He hasn't come out and said he's out of here, but there is no way he should pass up the NBA draft.  He's won everything he can win at ASU (except the title, but that's a team thing) and he's leaving ASU far better off than he found them.  Here's hoping he gets three or four more college games.  Oh, and there's only a few more days before the mildcats can take a well-deserved vacation.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Quick Question

What happens when you breed a coked out porno-trout and a gorilla?  Apparently twins.  Any fetus that can survive the wasteland that is Jenna's junk must be some sort of mutant superman that the National Guard would need to be called in order to help prevent any permanent earthly damage, but there were two of them?  God help us all.

Quick, Get Me High Profile Media!!

Look, I'm not going to bag on Jessica Simpson's weight here.  I'm just going to go on record as stating that a professional PR team wouldn't send her out in a white corset to reassert her sexy street cred.  

I'm just sayin'.

**High Profile Media handles Van Halen currently and is/was the brainchild of EVH's fiance, who got into the business as a publicist for a mid-level porn distribution company.  He's not even raiding the best the porn world has to offer.  Even HPM could figure this out.

Monday, March 16, 2009

March Madness!!

I know, there have been a lot of exclamation points in the titles lately, I'll try to keep myself under control. Anyway, the NCAA tournament is here and the Sun Devils are back in. Hopefully they can win a few games, as I think their defense is going to make their opponents uncomfortable. Either way, they earned their way in and it should be fun to watch them beat Temple. It will make Bill Cosby cry, but it will be fun. As Eddie Murphy said, "Bill, have a pudding pop and STFU."

I'm trying to limit my use of profanity here, but it is difficult. Go Devils!

It's 5150 Time??

So where exactly does the time go? This album was released in the spring of 1986 and I can't tell you how many of these cassettes I went through, so I guess that means I'll be dead soon. Until then, enjoy a fantastic guitar performance from Eddie Van Halen.

Spring Break!!

So it is spring break and for the next five days I'm going to blitz you all with Kate Beckinsale and Arizona State basketball. Get used to it.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Hammer of Justice Crushes You!!

So justice finally looks like its coming for that low-life scumbag Howard K. Stern.   I hope he enjoys prison rape.  Burn in hell lawyer boy.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

A Moment of Silence

Channel 3 in Phoenix is letting two long-time morning personalities go today.  Dan Davis and Brad Perry have been on for what seems like forever in the valley, and many people are going to talk about how sad this is.  It is not.  Brad Perry has been insufferable ever since his divorce, but I really won't miss Dan Davis.  Dan's schtick is reading out of town newspapers to viewers.  How is that vital service going to be replaced?  

And since they are making cuts, why the hell is that fossil Patty Kirkpatrick still employed?  This news at Channel 3 is a good step, but when is Channel 10 going to get rid of that bastard Rick D'Amico? 

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I'm Just a Gigolo

After the ugliness that was that last post, I thought I should put something else up to push it down into obscurity. On a completely unrelated note, all that blonde post needed was a Jenna Jameson story about how some quack butchered her busted vag to cap off the blonde mess. Ugh.

Why do people pay for sex? I know that math dorks and comic-book nerds keep prostitutes in business, but for the normal person, what is the appeal of paying for companionship? Susanne Klatten is the richest woman in Germany and is married to some guy. I'm no marriage counselor, but if you are paying someone for sex, there might be issues there, but Susanne decided to spice up her life with this guy here:

So this guy decides that getting money to get freaky with this Frau just isn't cutting it. He needs more, so he blackmails her eventually getting over $9 million. What the hell is wrong with these people? She would have been better served spending $125 on a good vibrator and giving the rest of that money to Bernie Madoff. At least then her screwing would have been historic, instead of pathetic.

And what is with this guy?$9 mil ain't enough? Well now he has six years in prison to think about what a colossal tool he's been, and I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that no one is going to pay him for the use of his ass.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Blonde Humiliation

1. Granny Snatch – AZCentral headline: Pamela Anderson Sexes Up Catwalk. Horrifying. Back in the early 90’s Pamela Anderson was pretty hot. Now, as we approaching the year 2010, Anderson is still showing off her mangled nipples as if there were still anyone on the planet who hasn’t seen them. Where did it all go wrong? The multiple sex tapes? The random marriages to rockers with hygine issues? Maybe it was when she married Rick Salomon to clear a large gambling debt? Either way, she’s now entered Madonna territory; a scary, dirty, nasty person left with the battered remains of her sexuality. What does she have left to keep the attention on her? Other than hepatitis and no gag reflex?

2. Paris Hilton – Apparently Paris was humiliated by her boyfriend at her birthday party. As if her life wasn’t a whirlwind of humiliation all of the time. She was 'singing' one of her songs on stage and her boyfriend took the mike from her and lip-synced along with the tune. Instead of attempting to sing, maybe Paris should stick to what she's good at: popping Valtrex and blowing degenerate gamblers (like Rick Salomon - is moving from Paris to Pam a move up/down/lateral or just dangerous from a medical standpoint?).

3. Tony Romo is not as stupid as we thought - Most people don't think too highly of Tony Romo's acumen. He comes across as a good ol' boy, but limited (if you know what I mean) most of the time, and since he's been dating Jessica Simpson I had always feared that they would get married and their offspring would be some kind of mutant. Either that or a super genius, but c'mon who would really believe that. Anyway, apparently Ms. Simpson is now fearful that Tony will never ask her to marry her. Gee, what was the first clue? The groupie in every city? The dictionary filled with multi-syllabic words? He's a starting quarterback in the NFL, he's not going to permanently attach himself to some backwoods wannabe with an overbearing father/manager, no matter what her rack looks like. He'll move on and poor Jessica will be all alone, getting calls from guys like Rick Salomon wanting to party. Nick Lachey is starting to look better and better, huh?

Wednesday, March 04, 2009


Do yourself a favor and watch this video. It is fantastic, I've never really pranked anyone, these guys are nuts.  The best anyone ever got me was when my wife convinced me she had gotten fired.  I've still got to get her back for that.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Current Event 5

1. “I’m on FIRE!!!” – This phrase is not just the chorus to a kick-ass classic Van Halen song, but apparently it is the lament of more and more Indian women. I read this week that women in India are 3 times more likely to die from fire than men, primarily because it is fairly common for the men there to get into a fight with their significant others, douse them in gasoline, and set them ablaze. I think this is a reflection on the study that was done a few years ago about why Indian men won’t use condoms, but that was a previous blog post. I think it just goes to show everyone that if you were woman born in the US, you hit the lottery.

2. Cat Bong – I guess that we should be grateful that Michael Phelps didn’t use his cat as a bong like the guy in Nebraska. Apparently his cat was out of control and he so tapped into his inner-Mengle, creating a box where the cat was forced to endure not just confinement, but marijuana smoke. There is a lot of talk about how horrible this was, and I agree, the box looked uncomfortable, but I want to know if it worked? I mean, was the cat calmer, or was he in a frenzy looking for some cookies? Really, don’t drink the bong water dude.

3. Math Dorks Unite! – I cannot believe that I wasn’t aware of this, but today is Square Root Day. Something about the multiplication of month and day equaling the year or some such stuff, either way it is a way for math nerds to take their mind off of paying for sex. (On a totally unrelated note, every time I type in the word ‘root’ the thing that pops into my head is the line from Karate Kid III where Myagi tells Daniel “You have long root like bonsai tree Daniel-san.” Tell me the Karate Kid movies weren’t about just getting some under-aged, gay ass).

4. Fuck L.A. – No, not jut a chant I learned by going to San Francisco Giant games when I was younger, this is for all of those who are annoyed by LA County’s proclamation for a curse-free week. I’m all for expanding your vocabulary, but you know that if people do participate they are going to be using all kinds of substitutes (frick, freak, you get the idea). Maybe this can be part of the stimulus package, no cursing for a week and you get a crisp $100 bill. It would garner more support for this week.

5. Criminal Justice Students – Apparently the Chandra Levy case was broken with an assist from a George Washington University’s criminal justice class. These classes enter into agreements with local law enforcement to review evidence and come up with conclusions that aid law enforcement agencies. As far as anyone could tell, the police were stymied. Then the class came up with a suspect, presented the evidence to the police and was thanked. No word until this past week that the police were about to make an arrest. Why don’t we just hire the students to be consultants? Maybe that could be another way for Sheriff Joe to spend some AZ taxpayer cash.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Ahhggg!!!! My Eyes!!!!

Look, I get the fact that not everyone is classically beautiful. The myth of an ideal beauty is just that, a myth. But just because there is no real standard of beauty doesn't mean that there aren't standards of soul-shrinking ugly. And that brings us to Tilda Swinton, who should only venture out of her house on Halloween. I didn't think that this level of hideous was possible without CGI. I can only think that no matter what the wizards of LucasArts were to try, Tilda would still end up uglier than Bernie Madoff's soul. Assuming you could find it. I'm assuming what she's holding is some talisman that Satan gave her to let him know when to bring up the rest of her family out of the pits of hell.

Just go away Tilda, I'm sure there's a house you should be haunting.