The Return of the Five

Homer returns and includes a picture of my newest hero, Sarah Palin. I'm just overjoyed that Sarah can feel my pain, while she looks out of her window and gazes upon her private plane. Whore. Anyway, here's this week's Five:

1. Sarah Palin – I don’t talk much about politics due to the fact that even the most obtuse American with a functioning cerebral cortex should be able to see through the propaganda the two major parties spew. I was obviously incorrect due to the fact that for some reason or other, many voters actually feel that Sarah Palin would be a benefit to the United States as the Vice President. Let that sink in for a moment.

Sarah Palin.

Vice-President of the United States.

Now that you’re back, could someone please explain this to me? It is obvious that this woman is borderline retarded, with only the most vague idea of how to regurgitate the party line, so how exactly would this be good? Exactly how long would it be before she tries to drill a well on the White House lawn? And would living next to the Atlantic Ocean make her an expert in modern international shipping laws, or just an expert in Vikings?

2. Choke Job – No, not the new movie from the writer of Fight Club (I don’t feel like looking up how to spell his last name), but rather the imminent demise of the Chicago Cubs. Trust me, I understand what it is like to root for a bad team, I’ve been a quasi-Cardinal fan for almost twenty years now, but the euphoria that has kept the city of Chicago from jumping off of the Sears Tower during these rough economic times has been shattered by the realization that those lovable Cubbies are really just the shitty Cubs, they could win 142 games in a year and still manage to get swept in the playoffs. Hey Cubs fan, you know the loser who has lived in Phoenix their whole life and still goes to Diamondback games in full Cubs regalia, next time you are in Chase Field check out the world championship banner from 2001. It’s pretty bitchin’ to be able to actually have been alive during a championship run. Not that you’d know, bitch.

3. Celebrity Blogs – I was talking to someone the other day and they were lamenting the fact that celebrity blogs and gossip sights have overtaken porn as the most searched for topic on the world-wide-interweb. Now, you normally have to read the Economist for such hard-hitting analysis as this, but it is a telling moment for our culture. How desensitized have we become to sex that we’d rather look at pictures of those asshats from the Hills than the gentle copulation of two, three, or four lovers? Frankly, I’m not sure if this development is good or bad. . . I’ll have to ruminate upon it, while searching for porn of course.

4. It’s Always Sunny – in Phoenix, but it isn’t nearly as funny as Philadelphia. I’ve written about the show before, briefly, but no words that I can put here do this brilliant piece of comedy any justice. It is the most profane, irreverent show I have ever seen. All Mac or Charlie needs is a black puppet and I may just have to re-rank my favorite television shows. If you’re not watching this, shame on you.

5. Movie Protests – Are another favorite of mine. They are usually soo effective. Remember how horrible the box office was for Tropic Thunder after all of the retards were upset about Ben Stiller’s portrayal of Simple Jack, a mentally challenged youth? Oh, that’s right, Tropic Thunder kicked all kinds of ass including getting The Dark Knight off of the top of the charts. Well now there is another movie coming out and another group of disaffected people who are angry. This time it’s the blind. Here is a clipping from an article I found:

The National Federation of the Blind is protesting the release of the film Blindness because, as NFB president Marc Maurer says it, "The movie portrays blind people as monsters and I believe it to be a lie."

That’s where Mr. Maurer is wrong. Dead wrong. The blind are monsters. Just check out how good their hearing and sense of smell are, it’s like they are superheroes or something. The thing that Mr. Maurer doesn’t understand is that even the blind are monstrous, we can still utilize their talents and abilities for good, not just evil. Maybe he’s just trying to hide something…