Saturday, December 06, 2008

Homer Clause

Well, it’s been a couple of weeks, and I’ve got all of this pent up bitchiness, so here goes:

1. Guns and Roses – is suing Dr. Pepper for ruining their good name when Dr. Pepper’s web servers were overloaded last week giving out free Dr. Pepper coupons. For ruining Guns and Roses good name. Really?? I would have thought that firing everyone in the band, replacing them with less talented guys, canceling gigs, stealing $15 million from David Geffen and whoever was stupid enough to buy his company, and recording the same 15 shitty songs over and over again might have had a little bit to do with that. That’s just me. Oh, yeah, in case there’s any doubt: Fuck Axl Rose, where's my soda?

2. Beautiful Children – is a book that attempts to weave the lives of several disparate characters together into some sort of haunting tale about a missing kid. Well isn’t that special, a feel-good MFA project. Too bad the missing kid character is a monumental shithead and when he goes off running into the Las Vegas desert, the reader has wasted 400 pages of reading that could have been better used by reading the used newspaper that lines hampster cages. Sometimes MFA writers produce good work, like The Historian, other times we get 400 pages of word barf by a pretentious jackass.

3. Gas Prices – are going down and now we are hearing about how dwindling oil profits are a bad thing. Seeing as how the oil industry has been raping the public for the last few years, I’ll just have to choke down giving them less money. Maybe they could come out with some more ‘humanizing’ commercials showing how they are tightening their belts. The only belt tightening I want to see out of the oil industry is the one around their neck while they swing gently from the shower curtain rod.

4. The Arrested Development – movie seems to be on track, which scares the crap out of me. I’m still not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing. In theory, this could be fantastic, just like in theory, Van Halen bringing David Lee Roth back would be good, but then you get that last Van Halen tour and ouch. I don’t know if I want to find out who is going to be the Arrested Development movie’s Wolfgang.

5. Kick-ass 80’s Song of the week – is going with Whitesnake. These guys remind me so much of Spinal Tap’s interview with Marti DiBergi where they talk about why their audience is primarily teenage males. I heard an interview with David Cloverdale back in the day where he was asked nearly the same question, with hilarious results.

6. Bonus Song – I just felt like listening to this song. It reminds me of football practice and being 15, which was too damn long ago.

7. Amare Stoudamire – needs to shut the hell up and learn to play basketball without the bal in his hands. He’s got ridiculous game, but he can’t play d, doesn’t rebound, and keeps talking about how he needs to be the man. Hey Amare, be a man, shut up and play. Either that or enjoy playing in Sacramento, the armpit of California.

8. Plaxico – on to another petulant little bitch, let’s talk about Plaxico Burress, the New York wide receiver who cannot make meetings or other team events, but then holds out for more money. The same guy who last week went to a club and New York and shot himself in the leg when his .40 Glock went off “accidentally.” Sorry, I have to call bullshit. Anyone who has ever shot a Glock can tell you they don’t just go off. This isn’t some television writer’s dream of being gun crazy, a Glock takes deliberate, conscious effort to fire, Plax was just being a dumb ass. Either way, he needs to go away, as people like him are the reason the average human has so much contempt for professional athletes. My favorite part of the story was his clubbin' sweatpants that he was wearing. Classy. Just watch yourself Plax, where you are likely headed next, you might just bunk up with a killer or kidnapper, which brings us to…

9. The Juice – sometime today Orenthal Simpson was sentenced to 15 years in prison. Tragically, the two people he killed are not the reason for his incarceration, rather he is going to jail due to even more stupidity. There is a generation of Americans who only know Simpson as a murderer, which is lucky for them, as they didn’t have to see an athlete fall from grace harder than anyone else, ever. I’m just glad that he’s going away finally. Let’s take a moment to mourn for the true victims of OJ’s latest crime: the strippers, hookers, and pathetic lonely women in LA/Vegas/Miami who can no longer use OJ to fame whore for five or six minutes.

10. Jaime Spears – is threatening to sue for some reason or other. Is there a good reason why I know this young lady’s name? I didn’t think so. Hey Jaime and Lynn Spears, have a nice glass of STFU.

11. ASU vs. UA – Suck it mildcat fans.


diane said...

I love your anger in this one. Your on fire over there!

cb said...

So did Whitesnack pay royalties to Led Zeppelin for that stupid song? Part Immigrant Song, part any other crappy Zep tune with Plant meowing over the top and ALL shite.