Homer's Four-some

I'm feeling a might peckish...




1. The Christmas season his here, kinda, and it is time to start putting together Christmas lists. Here are a few things I want for Christmas:

a. No more Tiger news.

b. No more Facebook polls asking if I want to keep the Christ in Christmas. Here’s a brief lesson: Christmas was an adoption of the pagan Saturnalia. That is where the Yule log and other traditions come from. Why do I care if we keep Christ’s birthday in some arbitrary place? If you really have your panties in a wad about the ‘true meaning’ of Christmas, go work in a soup kitchen helping the needy after you go put some pagans to the sword.

c. If fact, how ‘bout we eliminate Facebook polls, updates about someone’s daily message from God, and some random Fortune cookie predictions from my live news feed altogether? I liked Facebook better when it was called personal interaction.

d. More good television. In other words, add Jay Leno and all of those dance competition judges to the unemployment lines. Just take Mario Lopez out in the hall and ‘eliminate’ him.

e. More Kate Beckinsale photos. True story: I was in Barnes and Noble with the bride and the Sexiest Woman in the World issue of Esquire was on display. It took quite a bit of time to find the three pictures of Kate in the magazine. Why would anyone buy that crap? If you are going to produce a PR campaign based on her selection, at least put her in the magazine where it doesn’t take two people twenty minutes to find the pictures. There were plenty of shots of dudes who looked like Ashton Willis pimping underwear and facial moisturizers in the mag. I would have bought the issue, but it seemed like a waste of time (of course this would have required the purchase of the Men’s Health magazine with Jason Bateman on the cover, but I was comfortable with that trade).

f. Intravenous Diet Coke. Eliminate the having to drink this ambrosia, just get it directly into my veins.

g. Some clarification as to whether or not Jon Bon Jovi was joking when he titled his new book When We Were Beautiful. Really? He must have had one too many nights where he wanted to bank Richie Sambora...

h. Shauna Sand Explained, which is not a the title of some film capturing the sexual escapades of a Hollywood starlet that was stolen and released without her consent. It is a web-based apology by Lorenzo Lamas detailing how this vacuous attention whore has managed to terrify America without drawing the ire of the Department of Homeland Security.

2. Tiger’s mother-in-law went to the hostpital. Why was this news all over my sports-talk dial this morning? Have we sunk that low? Apparently we have, because in addition to this news we received the nugget that Tiger likes to ride bareback when with Tool Academy skanks and quasi-porn stars (I’m not disputing that the woman in question has been the main actress in some porn production, but if I don’t know her name, she doesn’t qualify as a ‘star’). Smart move El Tigre.... did he really get into Stanford? Even the frat losers at UA/ASU know better than that.

3. Lindsay Lohan is back in the news for her controversial new photographs. All I can say is wow. This is the same girl who turned down several offers from Playboy (allegedly) for big money to get naked. Then she turns around does nudes for the New Yorker and now shooting straight porn for Muse (whatever the hell that is) for nothing. Either she is all about the art, or she needs to get off of the coke so she can make some decent business decisions. If you are going to whore yourself out, at least get paid, I mean Shauna Sand is making more than her at this point.

4. Oprah finally decided to hang it up. Good. One less pretentious jerk on the airwaves. I say for a finale, she covers Tyra Banks in nutella and whipped cream and eats her. It would be for the greater good. And you just know that once Harpo is out of the public eye, she's gonna blimp up anyway, so why not? (oh yeah, Steadman's gonna die: he's on my list once Oprah is home 24/7/365)