Thursday, January 06, 2011

Dead Pool 2011 – The Abraham J. Simpson Division

I know, you would think this would be the C. Montgomery Burns Division, but I’m convinced that between Smithers’ sycophancy and medical science, Mr. Burns will end up immortal.... Not a lot of points available with these guys, but they are a surer bet than the Coleman division. Anyway, these are the old bastards that have hung on against all odds, but are going to take the dirt nap this year (finally!):

Abe Vigoda - Really? This guy is still alive and processing oxygen? He was old as hell on Barney Miller and that was a loooonnnnnggggg time ago. He still does voice work, which is good because it allows him to continue making payments to the Devil (who has facilitated his longeivty), but it is past time for Abe to shuffle off this mortal coil....

Clint Eastwood – has been making movies for, what seems like, an eternity. His turn on Birth of a Nation signaled a new era in art, and he was a badass mutha in the Dirty Harry movies. When you see him now though, you see a man who has traded places with the Crypt Keeper.... He has a Hollywood-esque “surprised” look about him, one that isn’t a result of surgery, but rather the look of a man who is mildly surprised he was able to get out of bed in the morning.

Betty White – It’s been a nice story. Really it has, but you can only cheat death with human sacrifice (Rue Mcclanahan) for so long. In other words, it’s going to get mighty cold in Cleveland real soon.

BB King – The last of the men laying claim to the title “King of the Blues” is also the least talented of the three (Freddy and Albert were so much better.... but BB is good on television). Too bad he’ll be meeting with the real Lucille before 2011 ends.

Wayne Newton – How old is this miracle of modern medicine? Only 68? The man’s face has looked like a futuristic robot mask since the mid-70’s.... I’m voting him only because he’s far enough removed from his ill-fated attempt at purchasing the Aladdin that he’s finally going to get his gangland-style execution.

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