Saturday, October 29, 2011

It Seemed Like a Fairy Tale

There was a time once, it feels so long ago now, when Lindsay Lohan was slowly devolving from a bright-eyed young actress into a major multimedia meltdown. She had just released her sonic assault on the American auditory nerve and rather than focus on the acting that made her famous in the first place, Lindsay decided that she needed to hang out with some hotel heiress and her bitchy group of friends. It was also about this time that the potential for gossipy snark on the internet was just being discovered. It was a match made in heaven.

Now, I may have some of the specifics wrong, but it was about the time that Lindsay started acting like a sweaty coke-whore that her parents' special brand of crazy started to come out, introducing us to Dina and Michael's scary Day of the Dead/Zombie apocalypse visages; their love of attention only narrowly outpacing their love for drugs and booze. It begged the question, what kind of chance at any sort of normalcy did young Lindsay and her siblings have?

Fast forward a couple of years. Lindsay is on the verge of the double whammy known as bankruptcy and jail and as a last ditch attempt to cash in on her rapidly vanishing looks and name, agrees to get naked for Playboy for a shit-pot full of money. The same week this is announced, her father is arrested not once, but twice. The first time for allegedly getting pissed that his 'girlfriend' (a piece of shit in her own right) won't suck his dick, the second time for getting out of jail, getting high and trying to make nice with the same lady. Now, I know that I cannot make this claim with any sort of scientific certainty, but do you think that these two news items might be related?

All I know is that it is even money in Vegas that Lindsay is going to be in some sort of gonzo-porn with Taylor Armstrong and Michael Sorrentino right before their 2013 triple suicide overdose.

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