Fair and Balanced

Ted Kennedy was laid to rest this morning and quite frankly listening to the press and politicians yammer on about how great a man he was and his wonderful achievements made me want to throw up. Nowhere did anyone mention how while he was helping the poor and unfortunate, how he neglected to help Mary Jo Kopechne. Ted Kennedy was a narcissistic piece of shit who rode the coat-tails of more talented, even more vain, brothers.

There you go.

Hold on.... Are you sure?

Did I read this article correctly? How early can I buy tickets? And do the concerns raised at the end of the excerpt even matter? The article is by Carson Reeves, whoever that is...

Black Swan

Genre: Psychological (Supernatural?) Thriller
Premise: A ballerina competes against a rival dancer who may or may not be another version of herself.
About: Black Swan will star drool-worthy starlets Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis and is being helmed by visionary director Darren Aronofsky. Aronofsky originally tried to set up the project in 2007 but Universal put it in turnaround. Thanks to "The Wrestler" doing so well though, Portman twirled onto the project a couple of months ago and everything's been full steam ahead since.
Writer: Mark Heyman (original script by John McLaughlin)

Details: 131 pages - March 25, 2009 draft.Can I just tell you why none of my review matters? Can I just tell you why my review is absolutely pointless?

Because in this movie, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have sex.

Yeah. You read that right. And not just nice sweet innocent sex either. We're talking ecstasy-induced hungry aggressive angry sex. Yeah so...this movie is already on the must-see list of 2010. But how good is it? Does the story that surrounds the sex disappoint or excel?

Quick Question #2

Why did they take a picture of Quentin Tarantino's whore at an Inglorious Bastards (I'm not going to purposely misspell that title, but I cannot be bothered to look it up now, yes I'm that lazy, you should know me well enough by now....) screening? I mean, this is some random, inexpensive 'escort' that somehow reminds Quentin of some random piece of '70's cinema, right? I was under the impression that they made fluffers go in through the back door...

Case Closed

Well, according to Canadian officials, Ryan Jenkins was found today in a hotel, dead of an apparent suicide. He should have just done that initially and saved us, and his unfortunate ex-wife, the trouble. To recap, if you find yourself cast on a television show with a gold-digging wanna-be, consider that your first invitation to end your relationship with this world.

CSI-Homer

So apparently Ryan Jenkins (whose name I had to look up several times so I wouldn't forget it) is quite the criminal mastermind. Jenkins, who parlayed allegedly having sex with a walking STD into a lucrative reality television career, has been charged with murder for killing his stripper, I mean wife. Look, you just woke up from a trip to Vegas, realize you married the whore you blew $5oo on in the Studio 54 knock-off at the MGM. I get it, we've all been there, normal guys just drink enough vodka to black out and hope the girl leaves without stealing your wallet, but that's not a deal breaker.

But a normal guy doesn't kill the lady, chop off her fingers and bust out her teeth like he's in some cut-rate version of The Whole Nine Yards. Luckily for lady justice, Genius Jenkins forgot that his wife had her boobs done at some point and that they each have serial numbers that can be traced on them.

The moral of the story? Outside of avoiding all possible entanglements with anyone and everyone who has ever been on Vh1? That it is better to be safe than sorry ladies, get your boobs done so you can always be identified. Tastefully done, of course. What I really want to know is why a back-up monster from Lilo and Stitch needed a boob-job and was dating a loser like Ryan Jenkins?

Too soon?

WTF

Happened to Dr. Drake's face? And how can we keep it from happening to others? Really, when will these people learn? If you get work done, stay home for about six months so you don't scare little children when you walk down the street. And let's be completely honest, does anyone really look any better after plastic surgery? I mean, there are legit reasons for getting it, but most of the time, the results are just frightening. Jessie's girl isn't going to be interested in someone walking around looking like this and that spider on his shoulder looks like it wants to run away. On the positive side, he can play the easily confused zombie on General Hospital now...

Return of the 5

I haven’t done this in a while, so this should be fun….

1. Michael Douglas’s son is a meth dealer. Look, I can kinda understand people who live in trailers, wanting to escape the pain and drudgery of their pathetic existence by turning to meth and other drugs. I can only imagine the pain of living in a wildly successful acting family, living in the lap of luxury, and having a step-mother so hot she actually starts small fires. It must have been intolerable. Hopefully the justice system can help him deal with his demons and find his own path in life. As the Thursday regular in the shower glory hole.
2. I was shocked to learn today that the British swear more than we do, and are more comfortable with it… those cunts (which apparently means something completely different in England).
3. The Miss Universe pageant is this weekend. All I can say is that there are apparently forty or fifty countries filled with pathetic old people and their inbred cousins.
4. Ass-ton Kutcher escaped a fiery death. Too bad. I guess another sacrifice to the gods is in order. Either that, or I wait for Keanu Reeves' imminent demise.
5. Shakira came out this week talking about how women have animalistic urges, sexually. How she is finding her sexuality liberating and pleasurable. She used to dream about getting married and now she is more interested in procreation. I guess that explains her long-rumored sex tape of her with two guys. Good for her… I guess.
6. I was flipping channels and came across The Whole Nine Yards. Natasha Henstridge was bringing it in that movie… it almost makes up for She Spies. Wait, that was the show with her and two other sexy convicts going undercover (usually in their underwear) to keep America safe? Forget that She Spies rules. . . it almost makes up for the fact she had to do a love scene with Jean-Claude Van Dam.
7. There was a big story today about Lady GaGa’s penis. Good for her. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that it isn’t is big as Chyna’s. DO NOT GOOGLE JOANIE LAURER’S PENIS….THERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU CANNOT UNSEE!!!!!!!
8. And finally, Billy Mays had a Michael Jackson-esque cocktail of drugs in his system when he died. I feel bad that I know about it, and quite frankly, I don’t care. Maybe that is the secret ingredient in Oxy-clean. I wonder if they will have to change the name. . . Oxycontin-Clean?

Quick Question

How many people have had to die for Fergie and Armani to keep fresh skin masks available 24/7? These two scare the hell out of me and every hobo who is in the same zip code these two freaks happen to be in at the time. I'm going to have nightmares now...

Sept. 17

It's on bitches! More promos... well worth the effort of clicking on.

Just Shut Up!

Mike and Mike in the Morning used to have a segment every week called Just Shut Up!, where they nominated people who have said something stupid over the past week to just shut their word-hole. I like the idea so here’s three nominees from the weekend:

1. Lisa Kudrow complained over the weekend about how miserable high school was for her, how she’d cry over not having a boyfriend. She then went on to say how superior she was to all the guys in her high school. Gee, no wonder nobody asked your stupid condescending ass out. How about you do this Lisa, take all of your residual checks you get for being in the right place at the right time, douse them in gasoline and set them and yourself on fire. High school was hard for everyone, even self-important theater freaks. Your fifteen minutes are up, go away.
2. Trina Thompson is a New York City ex-college student suing her college for her $70,000 in tuition money back because she can’t get a job. So are the $70,000 in student loans going to be more or less than the legal fees she’s incurring in a frivolous lawsuit?
3. U2 singer Bono recently admitted that he’s annoying. Thanks for that Captain Obvious, but even when you are being reflective, you’re an asshole. Try this, when you aren’t touring or promoting a record, go the fuck away. That would solve most of the problem. Solving the rest? STFU!

Anyway, this will be semi-recurring, as people say stupid shit. Enjoy!

The End?

I admit, I am not the theologian that I should be, but isn't a Saved by the Bell reunion somewhere in Revelations, right after the four horsemen? Death, War, Famine, Pestilence, and Zach? At least we are spared reading/hearing about that freak Dustin whatever.... he is just going to rot in hell.

Boycott?

Supposedly August 4 is going to be a Megan Fox free day on the Internet. Really? Why would the dorks on all of those sites willingly give up their fantasy girl for a day? Tendinitis?

Hammer of Justice Crushes You!!

1. Somebody saw this lady and said yeah, let's recruit her to represent us in the senate? Really? For those of you who don't know who this is, this is Stormy Daniels, an adult film actress as they like to be called, who was recently recruited by actual citizens of Louisiana to run for the United States Senate. She actually thought about it and agreed to this. She was going forward with her campaign until this past week's run-in with the law. Apparently she returned home from work (whether or not this work involved any deviant behavior is unknown) and was unhappy with the way her husband did the laundry. And then beat him up. She sounds like a delicate flower, doesn't she? On the positive side, if she does get elected to the senate and gets her freak on in a public toilet, she's likely to film it. Wait...

2. Phil Spector recently received a note from Charles Manson in prison and is freaked out about it, according to his wife. Well, if you don't bring attention to yourself by killing someone, then Manson would have forgotten all about you Phil. Just another reason to stay out of prison. That and the raping.

3. In other news, a Phoenix man is the hero of millions, okay maybe just a couple of dozen, but here's the article (Here is the link to the original article, it has the actual 911 call, the response by the suspect is classic):

GLENDALE - 911 calls normally aren't funny -- but when a Glendale man came home to a man robbing his house over the weekend, he tackled him and held him still while talking on the phone to a 911 dispatcher.

Homeowner Perry Bigley told a 911 operator, "I have the robber in one hand and the phone in the other."

Officers arrived to the home in the 4600 block of W San Juan where they found the victim on top of the suspect, holding him down.

Bigley told police he came home through the garage about 4 a.m. and found the storage door open. He then spotted the suspect going rifling through his DVDs.

On the 911 tape, Bigley says, "All I am doing is holding him down on the ground… He's saying he can't breathe he's tried to run twice but I caught him in my home."

"Look please stop struggling... we're going to wait here and were going to wait for the cops to come."

The suspect told Bigley there were other robbers upstairs, but they got away and ran down the street. The burglars took six TVs, a stereo, a laptop and a digital camera -- about $11,000 worth of electronics.

Police are still searching for the rest of the suspects.

Dog Years

Lindsay Lohan recently had a milk-shake named in her honor. No word if it is filled with cocaine and Red Bull, but it is called the Coke-whore. My question is what are you doing to yourself if you look like this when you are 23 years old? Someone somewhere wrote that she is aging in dog years. I tend to agree, if she is a Shar-pei.

Squeezing the Juice

I came across this article recently and quite frankly, I think I can live with O.J. living in fear. And if by chance he is Dahmer-ized, I think that they should add that to Orenthal's plaque in Canton. Or at least put a picture of his cell-mate there.

Let's Drop Some E!

So there I am watching The Soup when my eyes were accosted by a commercial of E!’s latest television abonination. Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian are in Miami and E! is going to subject the world to their inane travels. I’m not sure why I’m supposed to care about these freaks. Look, I get that Kim is pretty hot, but why exactly am I supposed to follow her uglier, and apparently less talented** and interesting** siblings on television? Is E! that hard up to fill time? I know that Holly Madison hasn’t gotten her own show yet, so there are depths to be mined here. Anyway, it made me long for the days of Senor Sock and the days when Bruce Jenner was still a relevant due to his accomplishments, not just for having a douchebag son and a needy stage mom for a wife. I'm going to go scrub my eyes now.

** I am only guessing here, I'm still not sure why Kim's famous other than her 'leaked' tape (see what I did there?).

The Iron Monkees

Some people have too much time on their hands, but in this case it evolved into genius. This one goes out to my brother in law: Up the Irons!!

Illusions Michael, Tricks are What a Whore Does for Money

I always knew that there really is magic in the world, which is one reason that Stevie Nicks has always scared the hell out of me but I digress. Anyway, apparently Playboy Magazine employs these wizards which is kind of disappointing. I know that if I could arbitrarily manipulate the laws of nature and physics to my own whims, I would try to make sure the world is a better place. Wait, what the hell am I talking about. I would probably be in Chicago doing exactly what these magicians are doing to Lisa Rinna. Magic is about the only thing that can turn this:

Into this:

All in the span of a few months. So do these people, and I am assuming they are people, not of some otherworldly species, get paid for the difficulty of the transformation? Inquiring minds want to know... from autism to horrible plastic surgery, is there anything they cannot do? Anyway, this investigation into the hidden world of wizardry can show you the lengths I'll go to in order to avoid working on my paper, doesn't it?

More PIcs

Seriously, I love these things...

Pics

It's totally cheesy, but I love these pictures.... I'll post more later.