Twilight in the Reich...

It seems an odd thought, the idea that the Twilight series of books and movies could replace Nazis as the most unfortunate by-product of Eastern European culture, but I think I'm going to go there. We live in a world where we are always proclaiming the latest to be the greatest, that it only makes sense that we need to find a new source of evil. Namely, Stephanie Meyers and her minions.

I have been watching some new WWII documentaries on television lately (have you ever noticed how many of my rambling ideas are prompted by my television viewing habits? It is more than a little sad) and it saddens me to think of all of the horrible things that we do to each other in the name of hate. The world would be a better place without it, but then I see a New Moon commercial and I endure a visceral reaction that makes me want to throw a brick through my HDTV. Seriously, you know that we have a database that contains the names of people who have purchased this crap. We need to stop them from propagating their lack of literary taste onto a new generation.

Even beyond the abomination that the books are, the movies are even more of an affront to decency. Multiply mediocre storytelling, inane plotting, and actors so unlikable that they could take up all of the spaces in the celebrity car crash and you end up with a shit-sandwich that even Gene Simmons couldn't pimp.

Sorry, I just had to rant and didn't want to try to explain why I haven't posted anything lately.

Look ma, no boobs!

Sarah Jessica Parker on lead vox

Just for you Eric...

In the Beginning...

I love the 70's and early 80's music videos. They are so terrible that they are hilarious. I know that this video does not reach the level of Apache, but it is right up there on the unintentional comedy scale. I actually think that this video ruins the song for me, as I used to really enjoy the song, but this image will be stuck in my head with the song from now on. Oh well, I never listen to AC/DC anymore so I will be able to handle it...

The Sport of Kings

Now, I'm not saying that I find Sarah Jessica Parker horse-like, but I am saying that when she appears on my television or computer I find myself wondering what ever happened to Seabiscuit. If there is one actress in Hollywood that should stay far away from any thing that is sexually suggestive it is SJP. Unless she's going to make human/equine snuff films....

You know that there is a market for that shit...

Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare?

You know there are far worse things in this world than growing old. Melanie Griffith has been going under the knife for decades now, trying to escape the natural aging process. Guess what? She failed. All she can do now is star in zombie features, which luckily for her, are making a comeback. The top picture does in fact prove that despite the fact that Melanie is moving around, she is in fact, already dead.

I was half surprised to find no pictures of Melanie trying to crack Stallone's skull open, but then again, there is still time...

Halloween is Coming! Bring on the Freaks!

So I did this on the Van Blogger years ago and I thought it was time to bring it back. Here's today's celebrity ghoul. Stallone's been around long enough to know that combining Winstrol and a plastic surgeon using plastic utensils is not a good idea. Apparently his face froze when the Australian government told him it was illegal to carry around a case full of human growth hormone. In all probability Stallone's face would look better if he had been taking Rocky's beatings for all of those years. Luckily for us, he has to cycle up again for the shooting of a new Rambo movie next year, the announcement of which set off a celebration among steroid mules from Tijuana to Barstow.

Curious...

I was wondering why Pamela Anderson has a picture of her junk over her face?

Let them eat cake...

No, I'm not going to ramble on about the French, but rather about this new phenomenon of holding contests for everything. They are now having open auditions to become the new Victoria's Secret model. You only are going to be standing around in your unmentionables with the afore-posted Marisa Miller and Miss Ambrosio. If whomever they pick doesn't have an eating disorder now, they will...

Good luck with that.

No Particular Reason

Just to get Lilith off of the banner, here is Marisa Miller, who is obviously so destitute that she cannot afford a top or pants that fit properly. Oh well.

Anyway, starting tomorrow it we are going to start our Halloween Countdown with some of the most terrifying, nightmare inducing celebrity photos I can find. So prepare yourself....

The Return of Lilith

Here you go Kristin, this is from the first season of Frasier...

Kirk Cameron vs. Charles Darwin



Crazy Kirk Cameron has launched himself back into the public arena with a long, nonsensical screed against ivory tower academia and the long-dead, controversial Charles Darwin. The video explains how Darwin and his theories gave rise to Hitler and how the godless communist/socialists are currently putting on their designer brownshirts and hobnailed boots in their pursuit of non-believers and their rights. Additionally, Kirk takes college professors of science to task for their apparently high levels of atheism, although due to the shaky logic on exhibit, I’d like to see the studies for that claim.

Kirk and his partner Ray Comfort (which for some reason reminds me of the name Joe Comforte, of Mustang Ranch fame) have a plan to change all of that. Their plan is to unleash a new edition of Darwin’s Origin of the Species with an all-new 50 page forward that explains, using Biblical Intelligent Design principles, where Darwin was wrong. I’m sure that the prose will be scintillating, but there is an inherent flaw with Cameron and company’s plan. That is no one, and I mean no one actually reads the Origin of Species anymore in the field of science. I had to read a selection from it in an undergrad English class once, and it was putrid. Either way, I cannot imagine that dumping 50,000 copies of this tripe onto college campuses across the land is going to do anything other than give the volunteers a chance to engage in ice cream socials with the local co-eds.

What I’d pay good money to see actually is an old school MTV Celebrity Death Match between Cameron and Darwin. I’m sure that after watching these two buffoons slap at each other for a few minutes, good ol’ Mills Lane would hit them both with a sledgehammer, allowing us to all be the winners for once.

God Hates Us All

is not just a great album title from Slayer, but it is the reality of life for humanity in the year 2009. I can say this with certainty, because the hot rumor going around is that a screenwriter is shopping a sequel to the Paul Verhoven classic Showgirls. Now, I love trashy movies as much as the next person, but let's face it, Showgirls reached levels of putridity that are rarely approached. If they are going to produce a sequel, it must at least be comparable; I demand that Elizabeth Berkley be involved somehow and Joe Eszterhas write another screed that includes encouraging underaged kids to go see his porn... that is the only way that this will work.

In reality, I sincerely hope that whatever anal herpes that Mike Myers has been afflicted with after the Love Guru fiasco be visited upon whatever film-makers work on this abomination.

Really?

Under what circumstances are these shirts even marketable? What's next the New Moon vibrator/dildo collection? I understand that these books are important to that segment of the population that doesn't understand that vampires aren't real and that things like character development, dialogue, and coherence are important to the act of storytelling, but c'mon. All these shirts are going to get you is the scorn and derision of the rest of us. Even Jon Gosselin thinks they are tacky and cheap and we all know what kind of fashion maven he is.

Character Assassination

So I'm watching a Frasier episode tonight and I was forcibly reminded about how badly the producers/writers of Cheers and Frasier absolutely screwed up the character of Lilith Sternin Crane. The relationship between Lilith and Frasier was fantastic, two uptight yuppies who were just freaks at heart. It was kismet, but then for some reason (probably Bebe Neuwirth's desire to return to the stage) they threw it in the dumpster in a singularly unbelievable way. I have always hated that story arc because it betrayed who the characters were after so many years. I guess that there isn't really a point to this other than to recognize the responsibility that writers have to their audience. Challenge us, take us in unexpected directions, just don't be cheap about it.

She walks in beauty....

I love Lindsay Lohan. It isn't often when you find a 23 year old woman who looks worse than her skanky whore mother. But that isn't the true beauty of this picture, no what is really special is that just off camera Lindsay is out whoring/drinking with her 15 year old sister. The girl has the healthy glow of a woman of only 45. I can only surmise that when Ali is 23 she'll look like the crypt-keeper.

"I Heard You Missed Us

Well it's good to know that the douchebags at Esquire actually have some taste. It's too bad that they cannot actually take sexy pictures of the beautiful women that they have on their covers. It's good to see Kate getting her due, from what I understand her latest movie sucks worse than a three dollar hooker who needs a fix, so hopefully she can embrace this.

On a better note, this blog will pick back up... I've got some hate to vent, but this is a celebration. Enjoy!

RIP Patrick

Nuff said. I think I'll dial up another viewing of Road House this weekend.... I wonder what God thinks of ripping out the throats of evil bastards? He was probably on the fence until he saw that dude's hair. That shit was an abomination, he brought the throat-ripping on himself.

Fair and Balanced

Ted Kennedy was laid to rest this morning and quite frankly listening to the press and politicians yammer on about how great a man he was and his wonderful achievements made me want to throw up. Nowhere did anyone mention how while he was helping the poor and unfortunate, how he neglected to help Mary Jo Kopechne. Ted Kennedy was a narcissistic piece of shit who rode the coat-tails of more talented, even more vain, brothers.

There you go.

Hold on.... Are you sure?

Did I read this article correctly? How early can I buy tickets? And do the concerns raised at the end of the excerpt even matter? The article is by Carson Reeves, whoever that is...

Black Swan

Genre: Psychological (Supernatural?) Thriller
Premise: A ballerina competes against a rival dancer who may or may not be another version of herself.
About: Black Swan will star drool-worthy starlets Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis and is being helmed by visionary director Darren Aronofsky. Aronofsky originally tried to set up the project in 2007 but Universal put it in turnaround. Thanks to "The Wrestler" doing so well though, Portman twirled onto the project a couple of months ago and everything's been full steam ahead since.
Writer: Mark Heyman (original script by John McLaughlin)

Details: 131 pages - March 25, 2009 draft.Can I just tell you why none of my review matters? Can I just tell you why my review is absolutely pointless?

Because in this movie, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have sex.

Yeah. You read that right. And not just nice sweet innocent sex either. We're talking ecstasy-induced hungry aggressive angry sex. Yeah so...this movie is already on the must-see list of 2010. But how good is it? Does the story that surrounds the sex disappoint or excel?

Quick Question #2

Why did they take a picture of Quentin Tarantino's whore at an Inglorious Bastards (I'm not going to purposely misspell that title, but I cannot be bothered to look it up now, yes I'm that lazy, you should know me well enough by now....) screening? I mean, this is some random, inexpensive 'escort' that somehow reminds Quentin of some random piece of '70's cinema, right? I was under the impression that they made fluffers go in through the back door...