Are the May Flowers Here Yet?

The last Big 5 of April is here and I know the excitement is thick in the air. Nothing is really jumping out as a lead story, so here we go:

1. Maxim Got One Right – For once anyway. This year’s Maxim Hot 100 is out and Megan Fox is numero uno. Yeah, I know that some people (myself included) believe that she may be dumber than your average Jack Russell terrier, but c’mon, she’s freakishly attractive, ridiculous tattoos and all. At least this proves that the editors of Maxim have eyes, years of putting Lindsay and Britney on top of this list have made me wonder.

2. Saturday Night Live – Was actually amusing last night. The commercial with Tina Fey (Annuel?) was hilarious. I only wish that Christopher Walken could get through one skit without staring holes through the cue cards.

3. The NFL Draft – Was this weekend. I love the NFL, but was unable to pay much attention to it this year, much to my wife’s joy. It’s the NFL equivalent of a Renaissance Festival, complete with dorks playing dress-up, but it’s important to the teams. Oh well, I know the Cardinals will suck regardless of their draft, so I can take solace in their suckitude.

4. Iron Man – Why don’t all of the trailers for this movie include the Black Sabbath song? Who makes these decisions? Just another example of poor marketing.

5. Painting Sucks – That is all.

Always a Hit with the Ladies

 

It's no "Smell Yo XXXX, but this is good British humor.  Or is that humour?

Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na

So once again there were mysterious lights over the Phoenix area last night. Yay, it was another chance for our local media to becrap themselves at the idea that there might be aliens here. Or just maybe the local Air Force base was doing something that they don’t want to talk about.

Which is more likely? Aliens of course. Hopefully they’ve moved past the need for rectal probing, but if they haven’t there is always Rick D’Amico. I hope they have to use a fire-hose on that bastard.

Better Late...blah, blah, blah

Big things are afoot in Homerland, so it’s a couple of days late, but instead of five stories, you get as many as I can handle (which could only be two):

1. Bye Yanks! – In rich Steinbrenner tradition, Hank Steinbrenner went off yesterday, claiming that he is going to dictate the pitching rotation and other personnel moves now. He even is telling the press that Mike Mussina needs to learn to pitch like Jamie Moyer. Wow, I wish it were so easy, I’d like to be born into a millionaire’s family but that didn’t work out so well for me. Fuck off Hank, wait, I’m not a Yankee fan, I take it back: Love ya Hank!! Here’s to another summer of watching the Devil Rays kick the crap out of the Yankees, with the Yankees’ money.

2. Rock of Love II – The inevitable reunion of television’s classiest reality show broke out in a nasty case of Springer-itis. Nasty stuff. Anyway, it was a huge waste of time, unless you wanted to know that Bert and Ambre got it on in the tour bus after a Poison concert. I’d like to know if he was able to get rid of his Rock of Chlamydia first.

3. Suns Win! – Well, not yet they don’t. It did take a heroic effort on the Spurs part to win in double overtime, so here’s to hoping for a better result in the playoffs this year.

4. Interweb Photos – You can never go wrong with some bitchin’ internet geek humor. And in true dweeb fashion, in includes Star Wars. All we need is the Cingular Wizard. “WIZARD!!”

5. Fired Bloggers – Never mind

6. AC/DC/Judas Priest – News is out that these bands are releasing new product. The Judas Priest album will be a concept album based on the life of Nostradamus. There is no confirmation to the rumor that Halford is going to be in drag when they play this live. AC/DC is putting the finishing touches on their 15th version of their album. Should rock. Well, at least it is going to be something that moves their rocking chairs to when they move into their nursing home for the very rich and pampered in 10 years. I still cling to the belief that musicians and artists are good for 10 years and 6 albums before their inevitable decline. This is only staved off by common sense and sobriety.

7. The blessed sounds of silence – That followed news of Rumer Willis’ singing debut. The poor kid is cursed; Bruce’s looks and Demi’s talent. I’d feel bad for her if she didn’t act like a spoiled jackass in public. Anyway, we need to put the kibosh on her fledgling ‘music’ career; I don’t need to hear an album called Bruno’s Daughter.

8. Judd Backlash – I’m tired of hearing about Judd Apatow. Really, I am. I’m tired of the paeans of gushing critics; the shrill cries of misogyny; the invective about a man over-exposed, over-stretched, and over-rated; and the attempts at attaching some great social significance to his work. Either the movies are going to work, suck, or be 90 minutes of meh, outside of that let it go. I disagree with the notion of liking a movie based on who is in it or who made it. Much like music or any other artistic endeavor, it should be assessed on the work’s merit.

The Big 5

The fun never stops in Homer's world.  Here are the big 5 stories of the week.

1.  My Name is Earl - what happens to a redneck loser when the funny dies?  Tune in next week to find out.  By the same token, what the hell was with this week's Office?  It takes how many weeks to come up with that crap?  Sad.

2.  MILF Island - 30 Rock came back with a home run though.  Just more evidence of Alec Baldwin's genius.  And Tina Fey can eat my poo, in a totally cool scat way.

3.  Outdoor baseball - I went to a Diamondback game this week, the roof was open and the D-Backs were kicking the hell out of the Rockies.  Life is good.  I like Chase Field, but being at a game is a million times cooler when the roof is open.

4.    Speaking of  baseball - what the hell is WHIP and OPS?  Do I really need to understand them to enjoy the subtle nuances of today's game?

5.  Finally, what the hell is with all of these ladies and their bangs?  Maria Sharapova does not need to rat out a Utah Claw, which I fear is the next step with the bangs she's got working now.  Although, rumor has it she's swinging for a new team, which is totally cool as a guy.  I know, shallow and cliche, but let's take a moment and hook her up with Kate Beckinsale and a tray of sushi.

Flannery O'Connor FTW!

Flannery O'Connor was a practitioner of the Southern Gothic writing style.  One of the best, at least until she died of lupus (I know House says it's never lupus, but in her case it was).  Anyway she wrote a story called 'Good Country People' that was about a bible salesman named Manley Pointer (subtle huh?) who meets a bitter, ugly girl named Hulga who has only one leg.  Manley takes Hulga up into a hayloft and seduces her.  In the course of this he convinces her to take her wooden leg off. 

When Hulga realizes Manley isn't a 'good country person' (it turns out his bibles are hollowed out and contain whisky and condoms), she wants to put her leg back on, but he grabs it and climbs down the ladder, leaving Hulga up in the hayloft all alone, legless.  Good times huh?

I wonder why no one ever gave Paul McCartney a copy of that story?

The Big 5

Nope, it's not just a sporting goods store anymore!  Better late than never, here's Homer's 5 stories of the week:

1.  Hot for Words - I love the English language, so by extension I love the Hot for Words website.  The lady who runs it used to be a high school teacher in Russia; someone explain why I live in the country that won the Cold War and we don't have teachers who look like that?  Fucking commies...

2.  Classic Rock - The CD player in my car is broken, so I have to listen to the radio now, which sucks.  Anyway, the wife and I were listening to some classic rock station (100.7, KSL -swish swish - X) and Heart's 'Magic Man' was on; wow what a strange tune.  I'm firmly convinced that most 60's and 70's music was specifically designed to get high to.  Maybe it makes the 8 minute keyboard/guitar duel endurable.  Not for the Moody Blues however, they just need to shut the hell up.

3.  Moses is dead - However you want to remember Charlton Heston is up to you, it's personal I know, but the man was an American icon.  Regardless of the fact that he was an abhorrent actor.  My personal favorite was The Naked Jungle, based on a short story called 'Leiningen Versus the Ants.'  That's right, a movie based on a guy having to stave off ant infestation to save his South American plantation.  Where else can you hear dialogue like "Leiningen's woman is brave"?

4.  Nick Lachey - Why exactly do I still hear about him?  What, he was pictured drinking with 19-20 year old women and Matt Leinart?  Nick's 34?  Wow, I thought Madonna was desperate to get her name in the papers, but apparently Nick need it just as bad.  Maybe Jessica Simpson needs to get her junk checked out, it's in the process of ruining every man who's encountered it (really? John Mayer and Perez Hilton???? WTF?).  Must be the syphilis.

5.  The New Kids on the Block - Seriously?  Are they going to change their names to something clever about being the old, pathetic guys down the on the corner now?  I really just cannot fathom the person that's excited about this.  What they need to do is have a big return concert and in the middle of the show, just bomb the hell out of the arena.  For the greater good and all.  What's next?  Or do I really not want to know the answer to that?

Please God....

Make it fucking stop.  Seriously, just make her go away.  I'll go to church more diligently; I'll stop swearing and burning Paris Hilton in effigy.  Whatever it takes.  

Outside of a bunch of homosexual males with mommy issues, who cares about Madonna anymore? And no one, not even her husband wants to see that snatch again.  There was a time, what about 25 years ago now, where she was considered controversial, relevant and kinda sexy (in a dirty $5 whore kinda way).  Ever since she's been chasing publicity like Brittney Spears rooting around her car for stray Cheetos.  

It is bad enough that this haggard skank infects the world with her musical product, we need our vision polluted with the album art as well?  If you look closely, you can see the reinforcement needed to keep her junk under control.  As disgusting as this picture is, just imagine it without the magic of the Photoshop wizards.  Just imagining it makes my genitals angry with me. 

Ugh, I've got to find some sites with Kate Beckinsale pictures or something; purge the optic nerves.

Mmmmm boobalicious! Wait, maybe not.

Now, you're probably wondering why there is no graphic here.  Well, it's because this post is about subtlety and knowing when to say when.  I love guitars and, as my wife will tell you, I love boobs.  You would think that they would go together like chocolate and peanut butter right?  Wrong, dead freaking wrong.  Click here to see what I'm talking about (Warning, link might well be NSFW).  What kind of moron pays 3 grand for that guitar?  Where could you play it?  What a stupid idea.  

I guess what you're saying if you play that guitar is that it's all about the parts.  Forget sensuality or sexuality, it's about tits.  I'd love to track this guitar, to see who eventually buys it (because someone will), just so I can mercilessly mock them for the troglodyte-like moron they obviously are.

This Week's 5

I know, you're thinking to yourself "That bastard, he promised more content and failed to follow through again!"  Well, if you think that, you're wrong.  Dead wrong, so with that said, here's this week's top 5 Homer-interest stories:

1.  I love Dr. Pepper - and not just because they used to use Bugs Bunny in their commercials.  This week Dr. Pepper used Axl W. Rose to get some free publicity, promising a free can of Dr. Pepper to everyone in the United States if Guns and Roses The Chinese Democracy is released this year.  I guess I'll have to keep paying for my soda this year.  Fun fact, Geffen Records has paid over $10 million to Axl Rose for this record.  And record companies blame the internet for their business troubles.

2.  Baseball season/wabbit season - Well I'm not nearly as clever as Chuck Jones, so I'll let that joke pass, but another season of baseball is on the horizon.  I have high hopes for the Diamondbacks, but with this whole Doug Davis cancer thing, it could get dicey.  Doesn't he know it's awful selfish to get cancer during the season?  

3.  Rock of Love - as a follow up to a previous posting, they ramped up the crazy and the final few episodes look good.  Mumbly Jo is gone and they brought Heather back to pump up the insanity.  Looks good, unlike Brett's ferret, which looks like it needs a tick-bath.

4.  Moving sucks - putting all of your shit into boxes is one of the stupidest ideas ever.  'Nuff said.

5.  Justice - I saw this week that the family of the guy that was injured in Hulk Hogan's son's car (a lot of possessives there huh?) is suing the wrestler.  It's a sad story, but can someone please explain why Nick Bollea, or whatever the hell his name is, isn't in jail at the moment?  You want to curtail pseudo-celebrity entitlement, put one of these assholes in jail for a year so they can have their turn in the Saturday Night Glory Hole and you won't see anymore celebrity DUI's, I promise.

We're going to get bloody on this Rog

Homer's Great Movies - Lethal Weapon

Greatness is a subjective concept when you are dealing with art.  What makes a great movie? Good actors? A good director? A good script? All of the above, or none?  There are so many movies out there that achieve greatness in so many different ways that it is problematic to dictate what a great film is, there are only people who like particular films.  Since my opinion is at least as valid as Michael Medved, whose moralistic screeds read like Calvinist rants wasted on the decadent American society of today, I figured I'd discuss a variety of movies that I think are great.  Up first is a groundbreaking action film of the late 80's, Lethal Weapon.

The mid to late 80's were a sort of golden era for action films.  Stallone and Schwartzenegger ruled the box office with their bloated, over-wrought cinematic abortions, heavy on the killing and one liners, short on character, plot, and authenticity.  Despite their popularity, these films were usually not very good.  Released in 1987, Lethal Weapon was different.  It showed a seedy side of L.A. that wasn't quite noir, but rather reflected the dirty underbelly of the L.A. drug culture that still retains some of the glitz of Hollywood.

The film was ostensibly action based, but for long stretches of time nothing happens.  We get actual character development, something rare in the genre.  We see Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson) struggling against the desire to kill himself, we see Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover) struggling to come to grips with his age and the fact that his children are growing up, and we see how these two men reluctantly accept the other into their lives.  The relationship between the two drives the film, elevating it from a 48 Hours imitation to something more.  The relationship between these two men off screen seems to have developed as well, but the two characters work organically towards some middle ground and it is fascinating to watch it happen.  

The cast sets this movie apart.  Yes, Glover and Gibson are fantastic in this film, but the rest of the cast with Gary Busey in his second tolerable role, Darlene Love as the glue of the Murtaugh family, and Mitch Ryan as General McCallister all give solid, effective performances.  Busey in particular should get a lot of credit, he could have gone way over the top as Mr. Joshua, but did not and the film is better for it.  Another interesting note is that this was one of the few films from the late 80's to deal with Vietnam veterans as people rather than symbols of a political agenda.  Most vets in action films were maladjusted losers and loners, that is not the case here, you simply have good guys and bad guys.

The plot is deceptively simple.  A group of ex-Vietnam veteran/mercenaries is importing heroin from Asia.  Riggs and Murtaugh stumble onto this fact in the course of another investigation.  The two detectives are pursuing these mercenaries when the mercenaries strike directly at the officers and Murtaugh's family.  As I said, the plot is simple, but the way in which the connections are made from the beginning of the film to the end are subtle.

This isn't to suggest that this movie is perfect however.  There are three things about this film that drive me crazy, the first of which is the fact that Eric Clapton and David Sanborn need to be killed, well maybe not killed,  but certainly maimed for what they subject the audience to with the music in this film.  The final two things that hurt this movie relate to the final climactic scene between Mr. Joshua and Riggs.  First of all the thought that the LAPD would let a cop killer and general psychopath duke it out with a fellow officer while everyone watches is patently stupid, but to really kill the scene Richard Donner directs the scene with all the skill of a six year old with his parents Super 8 recorder.  

Either way, the bad score and horrific ending are not enough to keep this movie from being one of the greatest action films ever made.  Not the best, but right up there.  It revitalized the action genre as a place where characters count.  Unfortunately, as the series went on, the film-makers lost track of what made the movies so popular and so good.

Reassurance

I'm browsing my own blog and I'm a little disturbed at all of the half-naked women pictured here.  Not that I'm a prude mind you, but I would hate to be pigeon-holed by all of the one or two people who read this.  Just be assured that I have other writing ideas in the pipeline that have no tangible connection to anything sexual, like my burgeoning interest in French art for example.  Anyway, I can't guarantee there won't be weekly pictures of Kate Beckinsale or her ilk, but they won't be the focus of this blog.  

If Your Sushi Smells Like 'Gina - There's Something Wrong with It

Not much could dissuade my infatuation with Kate Beckinsale - just read this blog - but she's way off base with this sushi thing.  She was recently quoted as saying she'd rather eat vagina than sushi.  Now, the thought of Kate in some sort of lesbian tryst is pretty bitchin', but it saddens me to hear her slander sushi this way.  I love sushi.  Maybe not as much as Kate likes pussy, but close.

5 Things...

This week's 5 stories were easy.  Anytime I can work Kate into casual conversation, let alone talking about her underwear, it is a good week.

1. Kate Beckinsale – Apparently Kate went on the Craig Ferguson show and declared she wasn’t wearing underwear. I’m not sure if she meant currently or continually. Either way, I’m not sure there shouldn’t be a law barring her from wearing underwear nearly every day. Maybe Obama can get on that.

2. March Madness – Still not happy about the Sun Devils being shunned, but I am enjoying the tournament this year. No upsets so far, but there is some good basketball being played. And the Sun Devils are playing well in the NIT.  By the way, it is a good thing that UA got in, their strength of schedule really helped them.

3. Lindsay Lohan Sex Tape – Talk about hype. There was a grainy shot of a girl with long hair working a blow-job. Really it wouldn't have shocked anyone if it was Lindsay, but apparently this was fake. If someone is going to go through the trouble of faking a sex tape, wouldn’t you at least find an attractive celebrity to slander? Just a thought.

4. Slash’s Book – I read Slash’s autobiography this week. It was really interesting, if nothing else it really shows what a seedy business the entertainment world is. The drugs, the manipulation, the delusions of grandeur; it is no wonder that Guns and Roses hasn’t put an album out in 10 years. It’s a good read if you have the time.

5. Easter – Look I get the fact that this day has morphed into a secular holiday, and by no stretch am I sitting at home memorizing my bible right now, but we need to back this shit down. I was in Wal-Mart the other day (again, Wal-Mart steals a bit of my soul every time I go in there) and they had a display set up for their upcoming ‘Take your picture with the Easter Bunny’ promotion. You just know that Sam Walton is in hell right now.

Mumbly Joe - The Rock of Love II

The original Rock of Love starring Brett Michaels was a little slice of comedy heaven.  I have never been a fan of the reality dating shows.  They all seemed to take themselves so seriously that it was actually a breath of fresh air when Flava Flave debuted Flava of Love on VH1.  The extreme trashiness and willingness of the "ladies" to degrade themselves made for some compelling, entertaining drama.  Flava was so successful that VH1 thought to themselves, "well, this is fantastic, is there another demographic we can exploit?  What's that? White trash?  Sounds fantastic, all we need is a desperate, old rock guy who's starting to fade.  Sebastian Bach?  Nah, he's already married; Steven Tyler? No, no one is going to line up to date their grandma.  Axl Rose?  He still thinks the latest Guns album is going to come out next month.  Brett Michaels? He's still alive?  Yeah, get him."  And Rock of Love was born. 

The first season of Rock of Love was classic reality television.  There were villains, psychos, whores (literally and figuratively), and one plucky young gal who won Brett's heart.  Jess was easily the least psychotic figure on the show that season (unless you count the ferret that lives on Brett's head; he's kick ass), or so we thought until we found out that their romance didn't last past the taping of the season.  She went back home to hang with her real boyfriend and Brett was lost, still looking for his rock goddess to share his life with, or so he'd like us to think.

Which of course brings us to season two, which is curiously un-compelling.  I am still enjoying the show; it is full of brainless fun and psychotic bimbos (one of which you can rent by the hour and act, look around you can figure out who she is), but there is a serious lack of drama this year for the viewer, even as it seems like the drama in the house is more brutal than ever.  The show should be more watchable than ever, but it's not because it seems like there is no one to root for in this house.  In the beginning of the season, there seemed to be good tension and some whacky characters, but as the season has rolled along, outside of Mumbly Jo's bi-polar disorder, the girls have played it too nice.  Mumbly Jo could have been the villain of the season, but she was too crazy to think her strategy of pissing everyone off effectively.

I hope that the rest of the season fulfills the promise of the early episodes and the roles of the girls become more pronounced.  Otherwise, it seems like Brett and his ferret are going to slip quietly back into the cesspool of 80's rock lead singers from which they oozed and we'll all be subjected to more face time for Hulkamania or Danny Bonaduce.  That's a fate no one wants.

Screwed!

I am pissed about the NCAA selection.  I'll get that out in the open right here at the outset.  I'm not surprised, but I am disappointed about the fact that Arizona State was left out of the dance.  Most people would assume that I'm bitter about the University of Arizona getting in, but I'm really not.  I figure the Wildcats deserve to be there as much as Oregon and many of the other at-large teams, quite frankly because the Pac-10 is the best basketball conference in the nation.  The Sun Devils deserve to be there as well.  The list of reasons is long and boring, but they earned their way into the field of 64 and the selection committee should be ashamed.

Either way, the Sun Devils had a great year and I hope they have a good showing in the NIT is a springboard to a special year in 2008-2009.  For all of those Wildcat fans, get used to the idea that you are no longer the only game in town.  BTW, has UA beaten ASU this school year in anything?  I love it!

Raping Our Childhood

A common complaint today is that Hollywood and the entertainment industry is in the process of raping our childhood.  We have seen a crush of movies and other visual mediums re-making or re-creating movies, television shows, or cartoons that were popular in the 80's; everything from the Transformers movie to a rumored resurrection of The A-Team.  

I guess I am just not that attached to my cherished childhood movies or television anymore.  I don't care.  If Hollywood is so creatively bankrupt that they need to "reimagine" The Breakfast Club, then have at it.  My memories of favorite films are still there, I'm not that old yet.   I find the trend sad and pathetic, but oh well.  To anyone who does get upset about this I guess you'll just have to get over it, or go on a killing rampage that must begin at Michael Bay's house.  I can give you the directions, just ask.

I do have a final suggestion to Hollywood, and I know they're listening.  If you are going to rape my childhood, continue casting Megan Fox, okay?

Pat Tillman - Hall of Fame

I've gone on record before as not being the biggest fan of the concept of a Hall of Fame. Too often these halls merely reflect the biases and opinions of whoever is deciding who gets in. Madonna? Grand Master Flash? Miles Davis? Do any of these people deserve to be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? My point exactly, and as long as jackasses like Bill Conlin are allowed to decide who gets into Cooperstown, then the Baseball Hall of Fame can suck it as well.

Anyhow, the point of this post is that Pat Tillman is currently under consideration for the College Football Hall of Fame. As a Sun Devil, this is good news to me, but I would want to make sure that he is being considered for his this honor based on his performance on the field. Lost in all of the hyperbole surrounding his death was the fact that while he was a solid professional safety, he was a kick-ass college linebacker. He was the Pac-10 Defensive Player of the Year in 1997 and was one of the leaders of the 1996 Rose Bowl team that was seconds away from being national champions. He was fast, hit hard, and unafraid to speak his mind (as evidenced by his interview after the upset of #1 Nebraska in '96).

The tragic results of his Army service and his impact on the national scene are a small sidelight to why Tillman deserves to be in the Hall. He was that good. I just hope that some feeble-minded sportswriter doesn't get it in his head that Pat doesn't deserve this honor, that would be a shame.

Hey Bond-STFU!!!

So I'm minding my own business today, just reading the news on azcentral.com when I come across this horrifying headline:

Daniel Craig wants to record Bond theme

Talk about horrifying. Look, hasn't William Shanter taught us enough about the pain associated with actors trying to sing? Does this scenario ever end well? I applaud Daniel Craig and his efforts to resurrect the Bond franchise from stupid film-makers, but someone needs to remind Daniel that his strength is in looking good and letting bad guys rack him in the nads, leave the singing to the professionals.  Like Britney Spears. Wait, nevermind Mr. Craig, I take it all back.

Weekend Update

I’m totally going to steal this idea from withleather.com. It is a top 5 of the week post, in which the 5 things can really be about anything. So here is this weeks homershaven power rankings:

1. Kate Beckinsale’s new movie – I will probably never see it, as I have only seen three of her movies: Underworld, Van Helsing, and Much Ado About Nothing. Either way, it is supposed to be a pretty decent film, but the best part is Kate will be out there promoting it, which is always a good thing from my perspective.

2. The Suns keep winning – Ever since they traded for Shaq, all we’ve heard is that they were stupid and now have no chance. Well guess what NBA genius? They didn’t really have a shot with Marion either, so who cares.

3. The Sun Devils better dance – after beating Stanford, Arizona (twice), Xavier, and USC this year in addition to being screwed by the refs at the end of the tournament game Thursday, the selection committee for the NCAA had better get this one right.

4. Iron Maiden on a massive tour – Explain to me how this works. A slightly above average stoner/metal band from the early 80’s is somehow still touring and successful in 2008. Kids still walk around in The Trooper shirts, yet most of them weren’t even functioning sperm when that song was released. Shouldn't there be more recent bands who pull this kind of stuff? What's that? New music is mostly shit? Well, I guess that explains how Robert Plant can be offered $200,000,000 to tour with a reformed Zeppelin and turn it down. Maybe he's waiting for a ridiculous offer.

5. I've got gas - Finally, it's an election year, isn't someone going to take a stand and do something to lower gas prices? Jeez, it's going to be $4.00 soon, and people with garden hoses are going to be going on siphoning sprees until we end up in some Mad Max apocalypse. That would suck.

Breathing Life Back into the Haven

So it's been several months since I posted here, but that is coming to an end.  I intend to kick this back into high gear, so hold on to your pants, cause there's all kinds of navel-gazing shit coming right up!  

Expect more later today, or not who the hell knows!  Jenny McCarthy? Nah, but she looks better than I do, so up she goes.

Homer

Funny Pictures

Found some of these online and they made me giggle. I hope you enjoy!

For VG

I saw this video and thought of the Vanilla Gorilla. I don't know if he makes it over here or not, but this is for him:

Japanese Televison Rules!

You've got to love the Japanese. Their television prowess is nearly as high as the Mexican's is, and this video is proof. This is from the description of the video:

Japanese comedian Yama-chan attempts to guess which one of these office ladies has a 93cm bust. If he picks the girl with the right size, he will win 2,020,000 yen (about 16 thousand dollars)




I thought that Win Ben Stein's Money was a show I would want to participate in, but if they bring this to America, I'd have to give it some thought (although I wouldn't fall for the "invisibility drink" that they gave this fool.

A Dirty Job

Themo was watching television today, big shock I know, when a very interesting commercial came on. This advertisement was for a new reality show on the History Channel following the lives of Ice Road Truckers, it looks fascinating, driving on roads of ice, risking their lives to deliver goods and supplies to diamond mines in remote areas of the world. This is just the latest show on television highlighting obscure occupations, shows like Dirty Jobs and Deadliest Catch on Discovery Channel. These shows are definitely a step up from standard reality fare, but they aren’t perfect.

The primary problem I see with these shows is that we have become so soft as a society that we find people who actually work for a living to be something of a novelty. When you tune into Dirty Jobs, you can see people cleaning up after the rest of us slobs, working on farms, or doing shit in a factory that the rest of us wouldn’t deign lower ourselves to do. I have much respect for people who do the crap work in today’s world. Someone needs to do it, but I have to admit I feel a little guilty when I watch these shows and my first response is “Hell no I wouldn’t do that,” but then again that I why I got a degree in the first place. Maybe these shows will have a positive impact on us, erasing the stigma we attach to these kinds of jobs, because really these people are contributing so much more to our lives than these superficial celebrities we spend so much time talking about. Maybe instead of imprisoning Paris Hilton, we could just redistribute her money to people who have to clean up after her stupid ass. Just a thought.

P.S. The picture of Carmen? Hey, she's working hard here, give her a break.

Go Suns!

It is playoff time and the Suns and Spurs are about to go to war. It should be good and I need to show the Suns some love, so here it is.

$5 - Max

So many things have happened over the past couple of years in Ms. Spears' life, but one thing is for sure, if she were wearing this little outfit down the Sunset Strip at 3:00am she wouldn't get more than $5 a throw in the bed of a rusted out El Camino. What exactly is she famous for again?

Totally gratuitous

I know that this is totally gratuitous, but I just want to celebrate the glory of Diet Coke. None of that nasty Coke Light they serve in Europe, but the good stuff. I searched for a long time online to find a clean picture of Diet Coke, but they all have text and stuff. Here are the two I found:





I don't know about you all, but damn, I'm thirsty. Gotta go to Circle K.

A Week Away - Books 12,13, and 14

So while spending the week abroad I was unable to find time to update the blog, but I was able to get my books in for the week. I read a volume of Transgressions, a collection of novellas; More Twisted, a collection of short stories; and Escape Clause, another Bill Tasker book from James Born. All of these were pretty good, but I have no time to get into them, so HA!

Book #10-11 Moore of the same

Okay, I am just going to own up to it. I am going to finish the Chris Moore catalog by the end of spring break. Like I stated earlier, I go in phases when I read so it should be no surprise that I read a couple of more of Chris' books. These were both excellent books featuring characters who appear in Moore's other books. It was really kind of cool to see these characters in different settings. The books aren't sequels, but share settings. It is really a difficult thing to describe. Good books, next up is Bloodsucking Fiends.

How much cocaine

does it take to make you smile like this? Really, I want to know, because as I get older and more delusional, I might want to give it a shot. Hopefully it will kill me before I get there.



Sad.

Past perfect

No, not a grammatical concept, although we could go there if you choose, this little Youtube nugget is the intro to one of the coolest television shows of the 80's. I wanted a van like that sooo bad. Someday, I just might have to get one.



I'm sure I'll have to fight themo about it, but by then I'd be the coolest grandpa ever!

Book #9 - The Stupidest Angel

To close the week is another Christopher Moore book. I know, I said I was going to take a break, but these books are pretty fun to read, so here is Moore's zombie Christmas tale. It is pretty short, but funny and engaging. I enjoyed it immensely, I am in the middle of a huge John Irving book that just isn't cutting it. I'll get through it, but it is work.

De-Evolution of Edward Van Halen

This is a test of my Youtube abilities as well as a video documentary of what happens when years of hard living catch up to you. In this first clip, EVH is blowing through his live solo circa 1988. It is a good, but hardly great performance showing what an average Van Halen solo spot looked like during the Hagar years.



This second video is of lesser quality, but is from the ill-fated 2004 tour, and sadly is what happened on an average night on that tour.



If you can make through the entire last clip, then you have my sympathy and respect. Those old "Your brain on drugs" commercials should make a comeback, and Eddie Van Halen should be the poster child.

Book #8 - A Dirty Job

No, this isn't a book based on the wonderful Discovery Network show, this is another book by Christopher Moore. This is the book that let me onto the fact that You Suck! is a sequel due to the fact that several of the characters are in both books. This book is better than You Suck!, and having read three of Moore's books now his style is less grating to me than it was initially.

The plot of A Dirty Job is pretty simple: Charlie Archer is a shop-owner who one day discovers that he is a Death. Not the Death, but one of several Deaths whose job it is to free souls and pass them on to people who are destined to have them. Charlie is suitably unsuited for the job, being a Beta Male (which means exactly what you think it would mean), and this combines with Moore's comedic style to lend a comic air to what could be a very dark work.

After reading several of Moore's books it is plain that Moore has issues with religion - not hostile, but very questioning. He infuses his Death with mensch-like insecurities and then forces him to deal with death, grieving, and the afterlife. Moore seems to embrace a mish-mash of theologies here (and in the other books), leading towards some sort of ecumenism. Ultimately, the story is fun and occasionally makes the reader think about their own preconceptions, which is Moore's point.

Update for You Suck!

I was a the library yesterday and found out that You Suck!, a book that I read by Christopher Moore, is a sequel to Bloodsucking Fiends. This makes a whole lot of sense and explains many of the problems I had with the book. I wish it would have been made clear somewhere before I read it. Oh well.

Sex Sells...

just ask the makers of the Bowflex. Where do they find the people for their commercials? These genetic freaks do not exist in nature, I'm convinced they were conceived and exist only in the Bowflex laboratories. Anyway, the idea of sex appeal selling product is not new, but what about beliefs or ethical systems?

The picture above is the latest in PETA's "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur" campaign, which seems to be everywhere on the internet recently. The campaign was launched by a fading Pamela Anderson, but I guess that PETA thought that it was hypocritical to keep pimping that piece of leather anymore (or people were consistently horrified by what a freak she is) and have moved on to model Joanna Krupa.

Now, as much as I can get behind swimsuit model nudity this does beg the question of just how effective is this program? I'll be honest, other than making a normal male of the species want to fill Ms. Krupa's closet full of fur and leather, I cannot really fathom what this campaign wants people to know. Yes, the world isn't fair to animals in many ways, most importantly in the fact that many taste damn good with mashed potatoes. How they get to my table, as long as it is sanitary, is not really my concern.

PETA, however, takes things to ridiculous extremes. One of the primary arguments that PETA makes is the moral equivalence of humans and dogs and other animals. Sorry, I guess I am a specist, or whatever they want to label me, but I cannot accept that arguement. I am better than any cat could ever want to be.

I'm not advocating cruelty towards animals, but I'm not going to be a hypocrite about this either, as I am going to eat and wear animals when the mood strikes or feels appropriate. So to PETA, I guess that I thank you for an attractive ad, but ultimately you can take your philosophical position and shove it in some fur-dog's butt.

Book #7 - Kill Me

This book was fantastic. I really enjoyed the basic premise of the book, which was the idea that some people don't want to live a compromised life. The main character of the book is a wealthy business man who decides that he would rather die immediately than to linger on in any prolonged way. He is put in contact with a company offers that service.

This company, or Death Angels as the narrator describes them, establishes a baseline of what the client considers "living," and once circumstances arise where that threshold has been passed, they kill the client. The conflict of the book arises from the fact that although the narrator has enrolled in this program, and he is suffering an potentially fatal condition, he decides he doesn't want the services.

This was a really enjoyable read, and I look forward to reading more of White's work in the future.

Book #6 - The Viking Funeral

The Viking Funeral is exactly what you would expect from the man responsible for so many mediocre action/adventure television shows. Stephen J. Cannell is a talented creator, the scenarios that fill his books are very interesting, but as a writer, he is not very good. His dialogue is stilted and quite frankly his characters make stupid decisions on a regular basis. It is one thing for a flawed character to make a poor decision, but often Cannell's characters have to make them for plot considerations. It is very distracting.

The fascinating thing about Cannell's books is that although the reader recognizes the flaws in the work, the books are hard to put down. The good parts are that good, but the bad parts are equally bad. Oh well, it was an easy read and the character of Shane Scully is pretty interesting. Book number seven seems to be pretty good.

Book #5 - A Garden of Vipers

A Garden of Vipers is Jack Kerley's third book. Each of Kerley's books are set in Mobile, Alabama and feature Detectives Carson Ryder and Harry Nautilus. These homicide detectives also comprise the department's "special" team of detectives qualified to deal with psychologically deranged offenders. Kerley's books are good, he does get a little caught up in his own idea of clever wordplay, primarily creating some overdone description, but overall the books are pretty good.

A Garden of Vipers finds Carson and Harry on the trail of a potentially disturbed killer, and while Kerley includes some fairly obvious red herrings, the final set of twists is pretty good here. Kerley seems to be developing as a writer, and A Garden of Vipers was a pretty good book.

Book #4 - You Suck! A Love Story

This little ditty is another book by Christopher Moore and instead of whales with creatures driving them, this book is about a couple of novice vampires and a sixteen year old goth girl whom they choose to be their minion. Like the book Fluke, You Suck! is humorous, but at times lets cleverness get in the way of the plot. I'm sure that in some literary way, Moore is making some grand point, but in reading these two books, it feels almost like the reader is being talked down to, which as a reader I don't like too much.

Two books in a row by the same author isn't too unusual for me, but I think I'll pass on Christopher Moore for a little while now. Back to the killing and death in the next book.

Book #3 - Fluke

The third book of the week was the strangest. It was a story of marine biology, but it wasn't really about marine biology at all. I'm not sure what to make of it, other than a fairly satiric look at science and religion. Funny, and kinda witty. I'm not sure that I can keep up this pace though, it was touch and go getting three books in this week.

Wasteful, they probably just light money on fire

for fun. Or at least to get rid of it. Anyway, America is littered with government programs and departments that are slowly outliving their usefulness and the Mint is getting there. I know that we need someone to make our money, but lately they just seem to be channelling the fools over at the Franklin Mint, trying to make product. The State Quarter program was kinda cool when it started, but you know, about seven years have passed and have you seen some of the crap on the other side of your quarters? Most of it looks like bad junior high art projects gone awry. What's next? Official painted coins? Plates? Maybe the dime can have pictures of state birds on the back. Ridiculous right? Well, maybe not.

Anyway, rather than learn from the waning popularity of the quarter program, the mint has again attempted to revive the dollar coin. People do not want the dollar coin. It's that simple, and it has been proved time and time again. Susan B. Anthony, the Eisenhower, and Sacajawea were all failures. Expensive ones at that. But here we are with an new one. This one has pictures of presidents on it. Oh, the fun. It is about as innovative as the religious trading cards Ned was selling at the flea market on that Simpsons episode. I can just hear the collecters now, "Wow, did you get the new Grover Cleveland? I don't think he looks as good as the John Quincy Adams."

Maybe the mint will understand when we go paperless, and they are out looking for jobs that we don't need collectibles from them. We just need the money.

It Takes a Thief

If you have spent any amount of time on the internet the past couple of days, then surely you know about the incident that went down between Joe Rogan and Carlos Mencia. For the past couple of years Rogan has been very vocal about Mencia being a joke thief. It all kind of became public when George Lopez went backstage and assaulted Mencia for stealing "13 minutes" or so on Mencia's HBO One Night Stand. This was depressing to me because at one time I liked Mencia's stand up act. He was funny the first time I saw him live and I enjoyed his cd Take a Joke America. Mencia has been on a downward spiral as far as material goes for several years, and maybe this is what led to his thievery, or maybe he's just not stealing enough lately because Mind of Mencia has never really been any good. Either way I find it incredibly difficult to in any way support someone who has built a career on the efforts of others, so screw Carlos.

Hopefully the fallout from this incident will be more significant than Rogan being banned from The Comedy Store, and Mencia can perhaps realize that his success should be predicated on his own talents and abilities, rather than "borrowing" the work of others. Until that happens, Comedy Central should really take a hard look at what they are putting on television. We may accept illegal aliens Ned, but we don't like thieving liars.

Book #2 - Jinn

Jinn is a first novel by writer Matthew Delaney.  It is a strange novel
that follows in the footsteps of the works of Stephen King, Dean Koontz,
and John Connelly.  Jinn blends modern horror with police procedural in a
longish tale of reincarnation and demonology.  I am not sure if I actually
like this book.  I enjoyed the first 400 pages immensely, but the last 150
were trite and simplistic.  It felt as if Delaney really couldn't figure
out a way to end the book and went with sappiness over the gritty darkness
that led up to the conclusion.  Overall, I would be interested in reading
another book by this writer, but I hope that maturity helps him craft a
more engaging work than Jinn.

The versatile belt

I never knew how versatile a belt could be, it can hold up your pants, AND function as outerwear. Apparently this woman is a wrestler, so be careful if you want to criticize her fashion choices, she just might kick your ass. Just a heads up!

Book #1 - The Colorado Kid

This book was part of the Hard Case Crime series, a new run of noir-style mysteries. This entry was written by Stephen King. Outside of a great narrator, and typical Maine local color, King's story is uninspired and weak. There is no darkness either physical or emotional, which is part of the genre. This short novel is very disappointing. Avoid if possible.

3 Books a Week

I have way too much free time these days, so I was looking for things to do (other than write, for some reason it's just not working) and I came up for this little challenge for myself. I am going to read at least three books a week until the end of the school year. I'll post up the names of the books as i read them with some quick impressions, just to keep track. So to recap that is 48 books by the end of May. The Company was a fantastic book, a bit long, but outstanding. If you ever have an opportunity to read Robert Littell, do it.

When is a celebrity sex tape not

a celebrity sex tape? That's a damn good question. I would think that it isn't when the people involved aren't celebrities. I was bumping around the internet yesterday and there is much being made about the Kim Kardashian sex tape that is about to be released. As I was reading about this, I came up with a rule of thumb regarding these things (which I have previously alluded to here) and quite simply, if the only video I can see you in is only available at Fascinations or the Castle Megastore, you are not a celebrity, you are a porn star. The fact that I know that Kardashian participates in "golden showers" not only disturbs me, it is an indictment of the hideous culture of celebrity that we live in today.

Kardashian is now suing to stop the release of this tape, which she has been rumored to be responsible for, claiming that she hurt and embarrassed about the situation. Here is a great rule of thumb, which I wrote after the whole Screech and Keeley Hazell situation a month or so ago:

So here's my advice to any celebrity or deviant who wants to avoid this type of public shame (I mean really, did anyone need to know that Screech likes to pull the Dirty Sanchez? I could have lived happily without it): DON'T TAPE YOURSELF HAVING SEX!

There you go. Simple huh?