A Beautiful Saturday Morning...

1. I'm glad that Kim Kardashian has finally come to grips with her ass. To be a role model for the young girls out there don't you know...

2. I started playing fantasy baseball... Not only am I a massive dork who apparently likes to spend his time obsessed with football, I have now found that I can channel my life-long love of baseball into that nerdyness.

3. Tiger Woods is apparently pissed about his wife wanting to move back to Sweden with his kids. Really? So we are supposed to believe that the love of his kids and family are stronger than his love of skanky whores, money, and golf?

4. Recent tweets by Lindsay Lohan's dad where he's all shirtless and sweaty just reaffirm my belief that when she goes off and kills herself with cocaine and cock that he and his ex-wife should be arrested for murder.

5. I did not know that Robocop was supposed to be symbolic of Christ... I did not know that Christ used an elevator to chop somebody's arms off.



6. Finally, I love the book It and wish that I could hire this guy. It would allow me to terrorize my children and laugh. Maybe I should book him a flight for Eli's birthday. What do you say?

Priorities....

Did anyone catch this article? If you haven't it is just another example of how we are now living in a police state. I mean, who among us hasn't felt that urge to just take care of yourself, even if the you have the kids with you?

Don't judge me damnit...

Color me Crazy...

but Alison Brie is hot. I know it sounds creepy with her playing an 18 year old on Community. She's really 26 so it isn't creepy at all. She might even be hot enough for me to sit through that snoozefest that is Mad Men.

Nah, probably not.

Married to a Monster!

I get that Us magazine needs to sell product. I even understand the unironic use of hyperbole, but this headline on the current issue, exploiting, I mean exposing Jesse James' infidelities is a bit much. Is Jesse James a piece of shit? Of course, but I knew that before this latest round of Celebrity Cheater. Is Jesse James a racist? Look at the artwork associated with his business... no shock here. Is he an adulterous bastard with no taste? Just look at the skanks he has been banging. Just because from a chromosomally female human smiles at you doesn't mean you have to have sex with her Jesse. Anyway, to recap, Jesse James is a racist, adulterous, piece of shit bastard. But a monster? Jeffery Dahmer was a monster. Hitler was a monster. Ted Bundy was a monster, Jesse just can't keep his shit in his pants. Let's not go too crazy...remember, words mean something.

Oscar WTF?

Okay K-Rock, I was looking for pictures of SJP and all I could find was this horrible picture of Molly Ringwald. I know that we are all getting older, but what the hell happened to her face? She was never the best looking girl, but damn... I think that you can find her doppelganger hanging out under a bridge, threatening goats. Careful folks, this image is large, click at your own risk...

Old School Rules...

I was lamenting the pathetic state of my blog a week or so ago to the wife. I was telling her that I just didn't feel like I had much to say at the time, but then she reminded me that the Oscars were that weekend. At first I told her that I didn't care, due to the fact that I cannot spend four hours watching someone masturbate, unless she's really hot, but then I realized that I could make fun of these self-important bastards for their shitty taste in clothes, scripts, and general approach to life. Again, I was saddened due to the relative pathetic-ness that my life has come to, until I saw this photo of Bar Rafaeli at some Oscar party. I'm not going to make fun of Bar, but something about this photo did prompt me to comment.

I know that some of the lady readers of the blog don't find Bar all that attractive, which I guess I can understand since most of them are heterosexual (I'd say all, but who really knows....). Trust me on this ladies, hot Isreali swimsuit models aren't so common that they can be dismissed out of hand. Anyway, the thing I love about this picture is that in an age of orange spray-tanned, interchangeable starlets, someone was willing to be photographed in Hollywood with old school tan-lines. Which for some reason I found awesome. The next thing you know, a mid-to-late 30's actress will be photographed without recent Botox injections, and people everywhere will run screaming at the sight of a plastic, coked-out Nicole Kidman, much to the chagrin of that Dr. 90210 asshole. At least that is what I hope anyway.

Letters, we get letters, we get stacks and stacks of letters...

I didn't want to have to do this, especially because it was suggested by Anamika, but I have had to moderate the comments on the blog due to the ridiculous amount of spam that I was starting to get. I don't quite get it, I understand spamming a site that gets traffic, but my blog? Stupidity. Anyway, I won't be not publishing any comments, just filtering out the ads for pills that make my genitalia grow, because I'm just a pawn of the pharmasuitical industry.

(I was only joking Anamika... kinda)

I Don't Think Anyone Had Merlin Olsen Either...

But the only good ending that can come from this is if Conrad Dobler goes and has his picture taken at Merlin's grave... Who's laughing now Father Murphy?

PS - If you don't know the story, then ask the Vanilla Gorilla...

I Cannot Believe Nobody Picked Cory Haim

This was so obvious in hindsight.... Especially since Cory was apparently getting his freak on with Daisy de la Hoya. I guess I understand his drug issues now, along with his loss of the will to live.

Up-Chuck

Well the new season of Chuck is here and quite frankly, I'm not sure if I'm sold yet. They have to find a way to get past Chuck being such a buffoon. I know he has the Matrix in his head, I mean Intersect, but his inability to access it unless he is in some sort of zone is becoming retarded. About mid-season last year, Chuck had become the least interesting character on the show, which is a horrible sign, but the end of last year had me thinking positively about season 3. Not sure yet, but what I am sure is that Sarah, played by Yvonne Strahovski, is still in fantastic shape. They have returned to the season one premise that Sarah needs to be semi-naked in each episode, which is a great turn of events.

The only problem with Yvonne as a sex symbol is that when they cast her against people like Angie Harmon we see her limitations. But I guess she'll do in a pinch.

I Need Your Help, You Walking Cock Cozy

This is kind of referring to back to a previous posting about television shows I love, but will ultimately be cancelled. These are excerpts from a recent episode of Better Off Ted, in which employees were encouraged to use offensive language in their interactions with each other. The clip is extremely not safe for the little ones or people with no sense of humor. The episode was funny, but it is a lot of fun to see these guys really go for it for these out-takes that had NO hope of being aired.

To Hell with the Devil!

Not just a bitchin' album by Stryper, but is apparently the new lament of the thousands of Haitians who were killed, injured, or displaced by an earthquake this week. At least that's Pat Robertson's take on the natural disaster. Robertson says that the quake is a result of Haitians making a deal with Satan to get free of the French in the 1800's. That is awesome. I guess those Haitians just didn't care about their great-great-great-great grandchildren. Selfish bastards. I want to know what exactly Pat Robertson had to promise him so that anyone would give a flying shit about what he says. The next time that Pat Robertson exhibits a shred of humanity and compassion will be the first. I'll fall on the grenade here folks, I'll offer up my soul to Satan just to ensure that Pat Robertson spends his eternity next to two gay lovers ramming into each other like wildebeests rooting around for that last stalk of grass on the savannah.

I'm pretty sure that's what Kim Kardashian had to do... It's working for her.

Avatar

Here is a VanBlogger-style hit and run:

Apparently there is a new crisis arising out of the Avatar phenomenon. Some people are contemplating suicide due to the fact that they cannot live in that mythical Pandora-world. I have some simple, home-spun advice for those folks. Come closer and pay attention:

Cut vertical and cut deep you twits.

Homer

The Kiss of Death

So today the bride uttered words that no one ever wants to hear, that in many ways I am like my father. That hurt. Although to be honest, I say the equivalent to her often, because she is like her mother. But anyway, I am not here to talk about my feelings... what I am here to talk about is one way that I am similar to my father that just irks and saddens me.

My father likes bad food. He is the opposite of a foodie and as long as there is salt on the table he’s fine. He likes bad restaurants and most telling, when he finds a restaurant that he really likes, he goes there with a passion that is unholy. He insists that the family go there and when they aren’t as impressed with it he blithely ignores it. Ultimately, my father’s unquestioning love for a restaurant is the kiss of death for that establishment. There have been several examples over the years that once my father finds and loves a restaurant, it goes out of business or moves. It is axiomatic. And I am beginning to feel that I share that kiss of death with my father.

I like television. I shouldn’t, it has become obvious to me that television cuts heavily into my productive time, but damn, I love it. Unfortunately, it seems that once I find a show that I really like, it just doesn’t seem to have that wide appeal that allows for a long-lasting show. Arrested Development is the perfect example of this, as it remains the greatest television comedy today, yet the audience never found it. So Arrested Development went away after two and half years. Other shows fit the bill as well, and I am now perversely afraid to buy into a show too much, because I don’t have faith it will last past my finding it. I am hoping that I am wrong, as I love several new shows, Modern Family being my current favorite. I hope for Sophia Vergara’s sake that the show lasts for a while. At least long enough for me to stop feeling like my dad.

Dead Pool 2010

All right, here are the Dead Pool lists. Remember, this isn’t just for fun; this is for a 12 pack of your favorite beverage. I decided not to give K-Rock any points for Brittany Murphy, but she does get the tie-breaker advantage for it. Good luck you ghouls...

The Vanilla Gorilla

1. Terrance Trent D'Arby

2. Gary Coleman

3. Pope Benedict (God's Rottweiler)

4. Justice Ginsberg

5. Muhammad Ali

6. Macho Man Randy Savage

7. Tom Arnold

8. Wilford Brimley

9. Micky Dolenz

10. Queen Elizabeth

K-Rock

1. Tom Sizemore

2. Lindsy Lohan

3. Andy Griffith

4. Amy Winehouse
5. Ethan Zohn

6. Bryant Gumbel

7. George Michael

8. Mickey Rooney

9. Elizabeth Taylor

10. Charlotte Rae

Nay

1. Penny Marshall

2. Michael J. Fox

3. Whitney Houston

4. Kirk Douglas

5. Mickey Rooney

6. Robin Williams

7. BB King

8. Keith Richards

9. Harrison Ford

10. Amy Winehouse

Sheri Beri

1. Lindsay Lohan

2. Elizabeth Taylor

3. Sherrif Joe Arpio

4. Courtney Love

5. Kelli Osborn

6. Perez Hilton

7. Clint Eastwood

8. Charlie Sheen

9. Lauren Hill

10. Tila Tequila

Care Bear

1) Paul McCartney

2) Owen Wilson

3) Al McCoy

4) Stephen King

5) David Cassidy

6) Glen Campbell

7) Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson

8) Li'l Wayne

9) Samantha Ronson

10) Betty White

Homer (Please note: I changed a couple of mine due to them already being taken. Nobody is dead yet so I feel it is fair game. Let me know if you disagree...)

1. Abe Vigoda

2. Hugh Hefner

3. Larry King

4. Scott Weiland

5. Kanye West

6. Rush Limbaugh

7. Brooke Mueller
8. Kristen Stewart

9. Michael J. Fox

10. Urban Meyers

Band of Badasses is more like it...

So the bride got me the blu-ray Band of Brothers discs for Christmas and all I can say is wow. As kick-ass as these are I just keep waiting for Nixon to tell Winters or Sobol that he's just too tired to care.

Boredom...

I'm hella bored. I just wanted to state it for the record. I could clean, write, or do any number of different things. Instead, I'm going to complain. There, I feel better now.

A Few Things...

1. Damnit... I blame my mother for the fact that I end up watching The Sound of Music when it is on television. It is almost as gay as watching Can't Stop the Music, but without the need to search out Marisa Miller pictures to cleanse the eyes.

2. Insurance companies piss me off. I haven't had any problems with mine, but the onslaught of commercials talking about how so-and-so's customers switched and saved are just irritating me. No shit, Progressive's customers who switched to Allstate saved some bank, otherwise why would the switch? Just because the fictional US president is their spokesman? Stupid marketing people...

3. The Indianapolis Colts are quitters. After their tank job today, I am actively rooting against Indianapolis. Screw all those funny Peyton Manning commercials too...

4. I had a long post written about going to see Y&T a few weeks back in Tempe (for those who don't know, Y&T is a Bay Area hard rock band from the 80's). I'll summarize, they have always been, and continue to be, a fantastic live band. I first saw them in 1986 at the Cotati Cabaret and have seen them probably a dozen times since. Seeing them at Club Red didn't make me feel 16 again, but it certainly reminded me what it was like.

5. I'm putting together the Dead Pool entries, so if you want to participate post 'em up before the first and I'll get it set up. I still think K-Rock should get some points for calling Brittany Murphy's demise. Too bad she couldn't wait just a few weeks to kick off.

6. I'm trying to get my report night topic together for Friday. I'm still not sure what it will be about, but it will ROCK the house, I can assure you.



7. Tara Reid is in the new issue of Playboy. I think that this may actually be the second time they've put an animated character on the cover in the past few months. I know that a certain level of air-brushing is the norm, but if this picture is any indicator of what they did to this girl, they might as well just go compete with Pixar. If Pixar had herpes.

Open

Wow, did this blog turn pornographic or what? I just wanted to jot a couple of ideas about Andre Agassi's new book Open down, and get some of the boobs off the top of the page. For those of you living under a rock, Andre Agassi just released an autobiography where he admits to tanking games, taking crystal meth, and hating tennis. It has been sensationalized to send the book market and tennis world into a frenzy. Other players are telling Andre to shut up, that he's disgracing the sport, and that he should forfeit his titles and his money. Is the controversy valid, or is the story of Andre Agassi a valid exercise in storytelling?

I'll get more up about this book soon...

End of the Line

Merry Christmas VG. This is the final post of the Marisa Miller Picture of the Day, so hopefully VG can start having two hands free to type soon.

Homer's Four-some

I'm feeling a might peckish...




1. The Christmas season his here, kinda, and it is time to start putting together Christmas lists. Here are a few things I want for Christmas:

a. No more Tiger news.

b. No more Facebook polls asking if I want to keep the Christ in Christmas. Here’s a brief lesson: Christmas was an adoption of the pagan Saturnalia. That is where the Yule log and other traditions come from. Why do I care if we keep Christ’s birthday in some arbitrary place? If you really have your panties in a wad about the ‘true meaning’ of Christmas, go work in a soup kitchen helping the needy after you go put some pagans to the sword.

c. If fact, how ‘bout we eliminate Facebook polls, updates about someone’s daily message from God, and some random Fortune cookie predictions from my live news feed altogether? I liked Facebook better when it was called personal interaction.

d. More good television. In other words, add Jay Leno and all of those dance competition judges to the unemployment lines. Just take Mario Lopez out in the hall and ‘eliminate’ him.

e. More Kate Beckinsale photos. True story: I was in Barnes and Noble with the bride and the Sexiest Woman in the World issue of Esquire was on display. It took quite a bit of time to find the three pictures of Kate in the magazine. Why would anyone buy that crap? If you are going to produce a PR campaign based on her selection, at least put her in the magazine where it doesn’t take two people twenty minutes to find the pictures. There were plenty of shots of dudes who looked like Ashton Willis pimping underwear and facial moisturizers in the mag. I would have bought the issue, but it seemed like a waste of time (of course this would have required the purchase of the Men’s Health magazine with Jason Bateman on the cover, but I was comfortable with that trade).

f. Intravenous Diet Coke. Eliminate the having to drink this ambrosia, just get it directly into my veins.

g. Some clarification as to whether or not Jon Bon Jovi was joking when he titled his new book When We Were Beautiful. Really? He must have had one too many nights where he wanted to bank Richie Sambora...

h. Shauna Sand Explained, which is not a the title of some film capturing the sexual escapades of a Hollywood starlet that was stolen and released without her consent. It is a web-based apology by Lorenzo Lamas detailing how this vacuous attention whore has managed to terrify America without drawing the ire of the Department of Homeland Security.

2. Tiger’s mother-in-law went to the hostpital. Why was this news all over my sports-talk dial this morning? Have we sunk that low? Apparently we have, because in addition to this news we received the nugget that Tiger likes to ride bareback when with Tool Academy skanks and quasi-porn stars (I’m not disputing that the woman in question has been the main actress in some porn production, but if I don’t know her name, she doesn’t qualify as a ‘star’). Smart move El Tigre.... did he really get into Stanford? Even the frat losers at UA/ASU know better than that.

3. Lindsay Lohan is back in the news for her controversial new photographs. All I can say is wow. This is the same girl who turned down several offers from Playboy (allegedly) for big money to get naked. Then she turns around does nudes for the New Yorker and now shooting straight porn for Muse (whatever the hell that is) for nothing. Either she is all about the art, or she needs to get off of the coke so she can make some decent business decisions. If you are going to whore yourself out, at least get paid, I mean Shauna Sand is making more than her at this point.

4. Oprah finally decided to hang it up. Good. One less pretentious jerk on the airwaves. I say for a finale, she covers Tyra Banks in nutella and whipped cream and eats her. It would be for the greater good. And you just know that once Harpo is out of the public eye, she's gonna blimp up anyway, so why not? (oh yeah, Steadman's gonna die: he's on my list once Oprah is home 24/7/365)

Death!

No, Marisa isn't dead or dying... this is just a reminder about the 2010 Dead Pool.

Once again, here are the rules:

1. Each participant must submit a list of 10 celebrities numbered from 1-10 by the deadline of December 31st, 2009.

Please post your list in this format. It makes for easier sorting and checking.

EXAMPLE LIST:

1. Celebrity #1
2. Celebrity #2
3. Celebrity #3
4. Celebrity #4
5. Celebrity #5
6. Celebrity #6
7. Celebrity #7
8. Celebrity #8
9. Celebrity #9
10. Celebrity #10


SCORING EXPLANATION:

1. Each pick this year is worth 100 points minus their age.
Example: If your pick dies at age 67, you will recieve 33 points. If they die at 33, you will recive 67 points.

2. The game will begin on January 1st, 2010, and end on December 31st, 2010.

3. The celebrity must have achieved their level of fame themselves. It's not enough to be related to a celebrity.

4. Executions don't count. People on death-row are not eligable at all.

5. They must be famous for something OTHER than the fact that they haven't died already. The individual has to have had some level of fame BEFORE they got old and/or sick.

6. Only real humans allowed. No fictional characters, no companies, no fads/concepts, no governments, no animals. How much clearer do I need to be?

Prizes will be ..

A twelve pack of Diet Coke(or whatever it is you drink) and the respect and admiration of your peers.

What Would Tiger Do?

Obviously the answer if 'fornicate.' I'd say adulterate, but that has a competely different meaning. Anyway, I just wanted to weigh in on the scandal, not because I care about Tiger Woods, but I do have some thoughts about the concepts of love, marriage, and fidelity. For those of you who don't know, I have been married to a wonderful woman for a long time. I can speak to marriage and the challenges that it presents to the people involved. That isn't going to be very helpful, or very entertaining, so I'd rather talk about what I don't know, the Tiger Woods lifestyle.

You rarely see successful marriages among famous people for a very simple reason: they are rarely together. I know I'm playing generalizing armchair psychotherapist here, but really if you are living in hotels away from your family for half of the year, you are going to find yourself with a ton of free time, millions of dollars, and a sense of entitlement in that no one in your life tells you no. Then you end up railing some loser whose appeared on Tool Academy. I'm not really sure where to go with that. All I can say is that if you are going to cheat on your wife, there are acceptable ways to make this happen (see Brangelina), and then there is the Glen Close/Fatal Attraction/strippers and whore action way which is apparently what Tiger decided to do. Good for him...it just good that he's used to putting his balls into holes that are significantly bigger and occasionally have flags planted in them.

Sunny Day! (MM Photo of the Day)

Even though it is cold and rainy outside, it is often important to find little rays of sunshine where you can. Like that one that follows Marisa Miller around.

On another serious note, it is time to start gathering up ideas for the 2010 Death Pool. I'll repost the rules later today just so there's no questions about next year's winner.

New Feature - Just in time for the Holidays!

I just wanted to make up for the blatant sacrilege of the last post by appeasing the demands of the VG with our new feature: The Marisa Miller Picture of the Day. This will be a limited time engagement, but for the next few days winter will be banished by pictures of Marisa in skimpy clothing. It sounds like a plan to me...

The Vanilla Gorilla

I know that some members of my reading audience are clamoring for more Marissa Miller pictures, and I will get around to that eventually, but I thought I'd stay current with Peta's new ads featuring Joanna Krupa. I know they are crazy, but when they present their arguments against buying new puppies in such logical detail, I just cannot refute them. I'm just afraid that if the Catholic church starts using this advertising technique, I'm converting. Today.

I will try and make it up to the world by eating KFC for at least a week.

Holy Diver!

I know that Ronnie James Dio's persona is kinda funky. I know that his dragons and sorcery lyrics can be laughable. But damnit I loved his music growing up. Anyway, I just wanted to show a little Dio love (see what I did there? He's like 5'3") due to the announcement that he is battling stomach cancer. If only it were as easy to slay as one of his dragons.

Twilight in the Reich...

It seems an odd thought, the idea that the Twilight series of books and movies could replace Nazis as the most unfortunate by-product of Eastern European culture, but I think I'm going to go there. We live in a world where we are always proclaiming the latest to be the greatest, that it only makes sense that we need to find a new source of evil. Namely, Stephanie Meyers and her minions.

I have been watching some new WWII documentaries on television lately (have you ever noticed how many of my rambling ideas are prompted by my television viewing habits? It is more than a little sad) and it saddens me to think of all of the horrible things that we do to each other in the name of hate. The world would be a better place without it, but then I see a New Moon commercial and I endure a visceral reaction that makes me want to throw a brick through my HDTV. Seriously, you know that we have a database that contains the names of people who have purchased this crap. We need to stop them from propagating their lack of literary taste onto a new generation.

Even beyond the abomination that the books are, the movies are even more of an affront to decency. Multiply mediocre storytelling, inane plotting, and actors so unlikable that they could take up all of the spaces in the celebrity car crash and you end up with a shit-sandwich that even Gene Simmons couldn't pimp.

Sorry, I just had to rant and didn't want to try to explain why I haven't posted anything lately.

Look ma, no boobs!

Sarah Jessica Parker on lead vox

Just for you Eric...

In the Beginning...

I love the 70's and early 80's music videos. They are so terrible that they are hilarious. I know that this video does not reach the level of Apache, but it is right up there on the unintentional comedy scale. I actually think that this video ruins the song for me, as I used to really enjoy the song, but this image will be stuck in my head with the song from now on. Oh well, I never listen to AC/DC anymore so I will be able to handle it...

The Sport of Kings

Now, I'm not saying that I find Sarah Jessica Parker horse-like, but I am saying that when she appears on my television or computer I find myself wondering what ever happened to Seabiscuit. If there is one actress in Hollywood that should stay far away from any thing that is sexually suggestive it is SJP. Unless she's going to make human/equine snuff films....

You know that there is a market for that shit...

Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare?

You know there are far worse things in this world than growing old. Melanie Griffith has been going under the knife for decades now, trying to escape the natural aging process. Guess what? She failed. All she can do now is star in zombie features, which luckily for her, are making a comeback. The top picture does in fact prove that despite the fact that Melanie is moving around, she is in fact, already dead.

I was half surprised to find no pictures of Melanie trying to crack Stallone's skull open, but then again, there is still time...

Halloween is Coming! Bring on the Freaks!

So I did this on the Van Blogger years ago and I thought it was time to bring it back. Here's today's celebrity ghoul. Stallone's been around long enough to know that combining Winstrol and a plastic surgeon using plastic utensils is not a good idea. Apparently his face froze when the Australian government told him it was illegal to carry around a case full of human growth hormone. In all probability Stallone's face would look better if he had been taking Rocky's beatings for all of those years. Luckily for us, he has to cycle up again for the shooting of a new Rambo movie next year, the announcement of which set off a celebration among steroid mules from Tijuana to Barstow.

Curious...

I was wondering why Pamela Anderson has a picture of her junk over her face?

Let them eat cake...

No, I'm not going to ramble on about the French, but rather about this new phenomenon of holding contests for everything. They are now having open auditions to become the new Victoria's Secret model. You only are going to be standing around in your unmentionables with the afore-posted Marisa Miller and Miss Ambrosio. If whomever they pick doesn't have an eating disorder now, they will...

Good luck with that.

No Particular Reason

Just to get Lilith off of the banner, here is Marisa Miller, who is obviously so destitute that she cannot afford a top or pants that fit properly. Oh well.

Anyway, starting tomorrow it we are going to start our Halloween Countdown with some of the most terrifying, nightmare inducing celebrity photos I can find. So prepare yourself....

The Return of Lilith

Here you go Kristin, this is from the first season of Frasier...

Kirk Cameron vs. Charles Darwin



Crazy Kirk Cameron has launched himself back into the public arena with a long, nonsensical screed against ivory tower academia and the long-dead, controversial Charles Darwin. The video explains how Darwin and his theories gave rise to Hitler and how the godless communist/socialists are currently putting on their designer brownshirts and hobnailed boots in their pursuit of non-believers and their rights. Additionally, Kirk takes college professors of science to task for their apparently high levels of atheism, although due to the shaky logic on exhibit, I’d like to see the studies for that claim.

Kirk and his partner Ray Comfort (which for some reason reminds me of the name Joe Comforte, of Mustang Ranch fame) have a plan to change all of that. Their plan is to unleash a new edition of Darwin’s Origin of the Species with an all-new 50 page forward that explains, using Biblical Intelligent Design principles, where Darwin was wrong. I’m sure that the prose will be scintillating, but there is an inherent flaw with Cameron and company’s plan. That is no one, and I mean no one actually reads the Origin of Species anymore in the field of science. I had to read a selection from it in an undergrad English class once, and it was putrid. Either way, I cannot imagine that dumping 50,000 copies of this tripe onto college campuses across the land is going to do anything other than give the volunteers a chance to engage in ice cream socials with the local co-eds.

What I’d pay good money to see actually is an old school MTV Celebrity Death Match between Cameron and Darwin. I’m sure that after watching these two buffoons slap at each other for a few minutes, good ol’ Mills Lane would hit them both with a sledgehammer, allowing us to all be the winners for once.

God Hates Us All

is not just a great album title from Slayer, but it is the reality of life for humanity in the year 2009. I can say this with certainty, because the hot rumor going around is that a screenwriter is shopping a sequel to the Paul Verhoven classic Showgirls. Now, I love trashy movies as much as the next person, but let's face it, Showgirls reached levels of putridity that are rarely approached. If they are going to produce a sequel, it must at least be comparable; I demand that Elizabeth Berkley be involved somehow and Joe Eszterhas write another screed that includes encouraging underaged kids to go see his porn... that is the only way that this will work.

In reality, I sincerely hope that whatever anal herpes that Mike Myers has been afflicted with after the Love Guru fiasco be visited upon whatever film-makers work on this abomination.

Really?

Under what circumstances are these shirts even marketable? What's next the New Moon vibrator/dildo collection? I understand that these books are important to that segment of the population that doesn't understand that vampires aren't real and that things like character development, dialogue, and coherence are important to the act of storytelling, but c'mon. All these shirts are going to get you is the scorn and derision of the rest of us. Even Jon Gosselin thinks they are tacky and cheap and we all know what kind of fashion maven he is.

Character Assassination

So I'm watching a Frasier episode tonight and I was forcibly reminded about how badly the producers/writers of Cheers and Frasier absolutely screwed up the character of Lilith Sternin Crane. The relationship between Lilith and Frasier was fantastic, two uptight yuppies who were just freaks at heart. It was kismet, but then for some reason (probably Bebe Neuwirth's desire to return to the stage) they threw it in the dumpster in a singularly unbelievable way. I have always hated that story arc because it betrayed who the characters were after so many years. I guess that there isn't really a point to this other than to recognize the responsibility that writers have to their audience. Challenge us, take us in unexpected directions, just don't be cheap about it.

She walks in beauty....

I love Lindsay Lohan. It isn't often when you find a 23 year old woman who looks worse than her skanky whore mother. But that isn't the true beauty of this picture, no what is really special is that just off camera Lindsay is out whoring/drinking with her 15 year old sister. The girl has the healthy glow of a woman of only 45. I can only surmise that when Ali is 23 she'll look like the crypt-keeper.

"I Heard You Missed Us

Well it's good to know that the douchebags at Esquire actually have some taste. It's too bad that they cannot actually take sexy pictures of the beautiful women that they have on their covers. It's good to see Kate getting her due, from what I understand her latest movie sucks worse than a three dollar hooker who needs a fix, so hopefully she can embrace this.

On a better note, this blog will pick back up... I've got some hate to vent, but this is a celebration. Enjoy!