So we are about 48 hours away from the Sun Devils and Temple Owls in Miami. This tournament will mark the end of the James Harden era at ASU, which is too bad, but he's going to be off making his millions so I'm not going to feel too bad for him. He hasn't come out and said he's out of here, but there is no way he should pass up the NBA draft. He's won everything he can win at ASU (except the title, but that's a team thing) and he's leaving ASU far better off than he found them. Here's hoping he gets three or four more college games. Oh, and there's only a few more days before the mildcats can take a well-deserved vacation.
What happens when you breed a coked out porno-trout and a gorilla? Apparently twins. Any fetus that can survive the wasteland that is Jenna's junk must be some sort of mutant superman that the National Guard would need to be called in order to help prevent any permanent earthly damage, but there were two of them? God help us all.
Look, I'm not going to bag on Jessica Simpson's weight here. I'm just going to go on record as stating that a professional PR team wouldn't send her out in a white corset to reassert her sexy street cred.
I'm just sayin'.
**High Profile Media handles Van Halen currently and is/was the brainchild of EVH's fiance, who got into the business as a publicist for a mid-level porn distribution company. He's not even raiding the best the porn world has to offer. Even HPM could figure this out.
I know, there have been a lot of exclamation points in the titles lately, I'll try to keep myself under control. Anyway, the NCAA tournament is here and the Sun Devils are back in. Hopefully they can win a few games, as I think their defense is going to make their opponents uncomfortable. Either way, they earned their way in and it should be fun to watch them beat Temple. It will make Bill Cosby cry, but it will be fun. As Eddie Murphy said, "Bill, have a pudding pop and STFU."
I'm trying to limit my use of profanity here, but it is difficult. Go Devils!
So where exactly does the time go? This album was released in the spring of 1986 and I can't tell you how many of these cassettes I went through, so I guess that means I'll be dead soon. Until then, enjoy a fantastic guitar performance from Eddie Van Halen.
Channel 3 in Phoenix is letting two long-time morning personalities go today. Dan Davis and Brad Perry have been on for what seems like forever in the valley, and many people are going to talk about how sad this is. It is not. Brad Perry has been insufferable ever since his divorce, but I really won't miss Dan Davis. Dan's schtick is reading out of town newspapers to viewers. How is that vital service going to be replaced?
And since they are making cuts, why the hell is that fossil Patty Kirkpatrick still employed? This news at Channel 3 is a good step, but when is Channel 10 going to get rid of that bastard Rick D'Amico?
After the ugliness that was that last post, I thought I should put something else up to push it down into obscurity. On a completely unrelated note, all that blonde post needed was a Jenna Jameson story about how some quack butchered her busted vag to cap off the blonde mess. Ugh.
Why do people pay for sex? I know that math dorks and comic-book nerds keep prostitutes in business, but for the normal person, what is the appeal of paying for companionship? Susanne Klatten is the richest woman in Germany and is married to some guy. I'm no marriage counselor, but if you are paying someone for sex, there might be issues there, but Susanne decided to spice up her life with this guy here:
So this guy decides that getting money to get freaky with this Frau just isn't cutting it. He needs more, so he blackmails her eventually getting over $9 million. What the hell is wrong with these people? She would have been better served spending $125 on a good vibrator and giving the rest of that money to Bernie Madoff. At least then her screwing would have been historic, instead of pathetic.
And what is with this guy?$9 mil ain't enough? Well now he has six years in prison to think about what a colossal tool he's been, and I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that no one is going to pay him for the use of his ass.
1. Granny Snatch – AZCentral headline: Pamela Anderson Sexes Up Catwalk. Horrifying. Back in the early 90’s Pamela Anderson was pretty hot. Now, as we approaching the year 2010, Anderson is still showing off her mangled nipples as if there were still anyone on the planet who hasn’t seen them. Where did it all go wrong? The multiple sex tapes? The random marriages to rockers with hygine issues? Maybe it was when she married Rick Salomon to clear a large gambling debt? Either way, she’s now entered Madonna territory; a scary, dirty, nasty person left with the battered remains of her sexuality. What does she have left to keep the attention on her? Other than hepatitis and no gag reflex?
2. Paris Hilton – Apparently Paris was humiliated by her boyfriend at her birthday party. As if her life wasn’t a whirlwind of humiliation all of the time. She was 'singing' one of her songs on stage and her boyfriend took the mike from her and lip-synced along with the tune. Instead of attempting to sing, maybe Paris should stick to what she's good at: popping Valtrex and blowing degenerate gamblers (like Rick Salomon - is moving from Paris to Pam a move up/down/lateral or just dangerous from a medical standpoint?).
3. Tony Romo is not as stupid as we thought - Most people don't think too highly of Tony Romo's acumen. He comes across as a good ol' boy, but limited (if you know what I mean) most of the time, and since he's been dating Jessica Simpson I had always feared that they would get married and their offspring would be some kind of mutant. Either that or a super genius, but c'mon who would really believe that. Anyway, apparently Ms. Simpson is now fearful that Tony will never ask her to marry her. Gee, what was the first clue? The groupie in every city? The dictionary filled with multi-syllabic words? He's a starting quarterback in the NFL, he's not going to permanently attach himself to some backwoods wannabe with an overbearing father/manager, no matter what her rack looks like. He'll move on and poor Jessica will be all alone, getting calls from guys like Rick Salomon wanting to party. Nick Lachey is starting to look better and better, huh?
Do yourself a favor and watch this video. It is fantastic, I've never really pranked anyone, these guys are nuts. The best anyone ever got me was when my wife convinced me she had gotten fired. I've still got to get her back for that.
1. “I’m on FIRE!!!” – This phrase is not just the chorus to a kick-ass classic Van Halen song, but apparently it is the lament of more and more Indian women. I read this week that women in India are 3 times more likely to die from fire than men, primarily because it is fairly common for the men there to get into a fight with their significant others, douse them in gasoline, and set them ablaze. I think this is a reflection on the study that was done a few years ago about why Indian men won’t use condoms, but that was a previous blog post. I think it just goes to show everyone that if you were woman born in the US, you hit the lottery.
2. Cat Bong – I guess that we should be grateful that Michael Phelps didn’t use his cat as a bong like the guy in Nebraska. Apparently his cat was out of control and he so tapped into his inner-Mengle, creating a box where the cat was forced to endure not just confinement, but marijuana smoke. There is a lot of talk about how horrible this was, and I agree, the box looked uncomfortable, but I want to know if it worked? I mean, was the cat calmer, or was he in a frenzy looking for some cookies? Really, don’t drink the bong water dude.
3. Math Dorks Unite! – I cannot believe that I wasn’t aware of this, but today is Square Root Day. Something about the multiplication of month and day equaling the year or some such stuff, either way it is a way for math nerds to take their mind off of paying for sex. (On a totally unrelated note, every time I type in the word ‘root’ the thing that pops into my head is the line from Karate Kid III where Myagi tells Daniel “You have long root like bonsai tree Daniel-san.” Tell me the Karate Kid movies weren’t about just getting some under-aged, gay ass).
4. Fuck L.A. – No, not jut a chant I learned by going to San Francisco Giant games when I was younger, this is for all of those who are annoyed by LA County’s proclamation for a curse-free week. I’m all for expanding your vocabulary, but you know that if people do participate they are going to be using all kinds of substitutes (frick, freak, you get the idea). Maybe this can be part of the stimulus package, no cursing for a week and you get a crisp $100 bill. It would garner more support for this week.
5. Criminal Justice Students – Apparently the Chandra Levy case was broken with an assist from a George Washington University’s criminal justice class. These classes enter into agreements with local law enforcement to review evidence and come up with conclusions that aid law enforcement agencies. As far as anyone could tell, the police were stymied. Then the class came up with a suspect, presented the evidence to the police and was thanked. No word until this past week that the police were about to make an arrest. Why don’t we just hire the students to be consultants? Maybe that could be another way for Sheriff Joe to spend some AZ taxpayer cash.
Look, I get the fact that not everyone is classically beautiful. The myth of an ideal beauty is just that, a myth. But just because there is no real standard of beauty doesn't mean that there aren't standards of soul-shrinking ugly. And that brings us to Tilda Swinton, who should only venture out of her house on Halloween. I didn't think that this level of hideous was possible without CGI. I can only think that no matter what the wizards of LucasArts were to try, Tilda would still end up uglier than Bernie Madoff's soul. Assuming you could find it. I'm assuming what she's holding is some talisman that Satan gave her to let him know when to bring up the rest of her family out of the pits of hell.
Just go away Tilda, I'm sure there's a house you should be haunting.
It's been a long time since the last collection of random thoughts, so enjoy!
1. Reality Jerry – Apparently Jerry Seinfeld is about to star in a reality show where he is a marriage referee; helping couples work through their differences in a funny fashion, with sage observations. Sounds plausible, I guess, although how he can solve any problems with that hipster-racist living next door is anyone’s guess. Wait, wasn’t this a movie starring another comedian? I’ll just say that if Jerry stars in a drama about Boston fire-fighters, I’m taking Dennis Leary in the 1st round by TKO.
2. Raping My Childhood Part XXIV – There are rumors abounding about a coming remake of the Arnold classic Total Recall. Have we arrived here already? I was sure that the A-Team movie would have showed up first. Whoever directs this needs to learn not to follow this movie up with anything starring Sharon Stone, lest he create his own Showgirls.
3. Short Seasons – The latest season of Psych ended last week. It felt like it had just started and now I’m going to be forced to go without those crazy 80’s movies obsessed psychics until the summer? It sucks to be me, I guess. Since when was the season of a television show two months long? Stupid USA Network.
4. 22? – Now in its 20th season, the Simpsons has been renewed for 2 more seasons. I hope Rupert Murdoch and Matt Groening realize that they are going to hell, Ironic Punishments division. They obviously don’t have any dignity or self-respect left, so I guess the daily sodomiziations aren’t going to bother them too much.
5. Harry Hamelin – I usually don’t have a whole lot of pity on entertainers. They have chosen a brutal profession and when they succeed, they are compensated beyond the dreams of the average person. But I do feel for Harry Hamelin. Why? Just look. No one deserves this. I’ll admit, her body looks great for her age, but that face has enough plastic to hold a gallon of milk in it. At least we know what Harry did with Medusa’s head (that’s right a Clash of the Titans reference). She just needs to stop, but since Hef is determined to put someone half of his age on the cover of Playboy this spring, I guess we’re stuck with this skank.
And finally, just because I love the randomness of this picture:
I had a long, boring post written about the Cardinal off-season, but the basic question is, are these the same old Cardinals? It's starting to look like it, and it ticks me off. I'll just say this, if Warner is allowed to walk for any reason, we need to surround the Cardinal compound and catapult flaming bags of horse crap into it until the Bidwills and Rod Graves are either fired or walked through the streets of Phoenix to our own little Place de Concord. I'll bring the champagne.
Sugar-tits Gibson is back. You've got to love his sense of humor anyway, unless he's telling you to shut up and get in the box-car. Then he's not so funny, except maybe to Nay.
Well, last night was the annual Hollywood suck-off known as the Academy Awards. I didn’t watch it, and quite frankly, unless someone was going to punch Sean Penn in his fat, smarmy face, then nothing was going to draw me to it anyway. Penn needs to get hit in the junk with a bag of hammers. Skinny-tied bitch.
Ah, yes. The Internet is indeed serious business. At least that is the impression you would get if you ever read the comments section of any website. The web is filled with Internet warriors, people who are going to attempt to point out your stupidity and the superiority of their views, regardless of their validity. Except my blog of course, my commentors (commentators?) are some of the best and brightest that this rock has to offer.
Case in point; I was looking for some commentary regarding the President’s speech at Dobson High School yesterday (total side note, why Dobson? It’s a craphole). The Arizona Republic had three or four writers discussing their views on the President’s plan. All of the views were different, but after each of the articles were comments by readers that were filled in by people whose only qualification is that they can turn on a computer. The hate just flew. These fools went about spouting their views, and ranting about how the world just doesn't understand, how the stupid masses are so misguided by this leftist media. It is kind of frightening to see this level of hate, stupidity, and laziness all in one place. If these people feel so disenfranchised, they should write their own material and come up with their own arguments. It isn't hard to sign up for a blog, I did it in less than five minutes and I'm functionally retarded. They could have their say and not end up on page 35 of the comments that no one will ever see.
Dissent is good, I love to argue with people, but the vast majority of people who comment on national events aren’t doing it in the spirit of discourse, they are doing it to feel superior to others, even if they are just cutting and pasting their views from some urban legend website. Like Fox News.
I guess there isn't much of a point here other than even among the colossally stupid, you can still dig up a nugget of good information like I did today. Did you know that Obama's plan brings us closer to socialism? I learned that from a bunch of comments on azcentral. I also learned that Bar Rafaeli has a killer rack (I figured that one out on my own).
This is so a headline from a couple of years back, but it seems that Lindsay is going back to the blow. I think she saw that Amy Winehouse is still alive and she is going to race her to the grave. Based on this picture, it could be a photo-finish. The cleavage angle is a good one in my opinion, but Lindsay needs to understand that it works better when we are not distracted by the fact that she hasn't eaten anything other than rock cocaine in two weeks.
And to my lovely sisters who are calling Bar a butta-face, I have to disagree. It must be a guy thing.
So this week marked the debut of the 2009 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, a somewhat bizarre American tradition. Traditionally released at the close of the NFL season, the swimsuit issue has always strode uncomfortably along the line mainstream titillation and out and out soft-core. Whatever, I'll leave that for the social critics. All I know is that for as long as I can remember, it was always a big deal to find out what model was going to be on the cover.
So I thought it was interesting this year as yet another swimsuit issue was in the offing and it was revealed that Bar Rafaeli was this year's cover model. I made the comment to the wife that Bar was just a little attractive, and her response was 'Really? I don't see it." Now this is the woman who has never been shy about identifying women who she feels are pretty, so I found this odd. Am I crazy to think that this lady is pretty hot? Deluded into thinking her boyfriend isn't gay, but hot? Or am I just going blind? Let me know. Maybe I'm just getting old, it is possible.
I know that I’m supposed to be filled with glee that a member of the New York Yankees is caught up in any sort of scandal, but the recent news that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids left me more than a little indifferent. He got out in front of the scandal, did a soft-toss interview with Peter Gammons, who should have to turn in his title as journalist after that abomination, and said he’s sorry. Good for Mr. Rodriguez. Unfortunately, he’s only sorry about one thing, that he got caught.
Let me get this out there in the beginning: I don’t care if baseball players took steroids. They all did. If you told me I could make $25 million a year teaching school by taking a brain pill that could be harmful down the road, I’m asking for that pill and taking two. We all would, anyone that says otherwise is lying. The fact that Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, and others took pills or shots that were illegal, but not banned by baseball, is immaterial to me. It is no different than the cocaine scandals or the fact that baseball players have been using speed for a century now.
What I do care about is the fact that now all of the sanctimonious blow-hard “caretakers of the game” are going to spend the next several months talking about why this has ruined baseball and will be the death-knell of the sport. Nothing could be further from the truth, all this will do will be to make sure that those people who worship at the altar of baseball to face the fact that most normal people just don’t care. And then they will complain that these cheaters are desecrating the game. They lose sight of the fact that it is a game. Luckily for them, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue was just released, so their social life just took a huge jump, although we are going to lose some nerd work time due to their extended bathroom breaks.
And since when was Alex Rodriguez an Oompa-Loompa?
According to CNN, the estate of The Big Bopper is going to auction off the used coffin that the Bopper had been buried in for the last fifty years. I can only surmise that the estate wants to take advantage of the fact that the Bopper's fans are either already dead or on the cusp.
This does open the door for a whole new level of celebrity memoribilia though. Who knows the possiblilities? Just think, Pamela Anderson could sell her old breast implants, Michael Jackson could sell the jar, or maybe Ted Williams family could sell the frozen head of Ted? Fantastic.
I'm personally going to hold out for the urn that Eddie Van Halen put the ashes of his musical career in.
How does Howie do it? Bad wigs and junkies who would have difficulties recognizing their own parents? That is my guess. I don't blame Howie for this atrocity, no self-respecting game show host turns down any offer for more work, no I blame the geniuses at NBC for green lighting this craptacular. These weasels are on a roll, first they forfeit an hour of prime-time for Jay Leno's ego, and now they are going to subject the world to this crap.
I hope they get a raging case of syphilis from the three dollar whores they keep frequenting. Weasels.
And apparently we don't have enough sluts with a variety of venereal diseases on our airwaves. Thankfully we have Bret Michaels here to rectify the situation for us. Yes, the show that brought us a haven for bored strippers and groupies is back, this time set in a bus. I thought that after the show had killed someone that Viacom would have taken a good hard look at themselves and realized that they are slowly killing all of us with these horrible shows and saved us from their filth, but sadly this is not the case.
Oh well, for this new season, the Rock of Love camp needs to really ramp up the crazy, I expect that ferret to eat someone's face off this year, otherwise I'm not going to bother.
Is this really the best we can do? I know that this movie isn't aspiring to high art or anything, but have we hit the creative wall that hard already? Maybe we should just turn the lights out and call it a night.
Oh, and to answer what I'm sure you are all wondering, yes I will see this movie. I haven't seen Zombie Strippers yet, but I think it is in my Netflix que.
I don't really like to lead with that kind of title, but really, I have no choice. Apparently, Jay Mohr, a reasonably funny comedian, is adding his wife's maiden name to his, leaving him something like Jay Mohr Cox. Is he going to start competing with Peter North now? This stuff writes itself.
Actually, Jay should really be spending his time working to keep his wife's head from deflating, I'm sure that's a full time job now.
This past year has been interesting. I’m not sure it was a great year or just a good one, but I can tell you this, 2009 is shaping up to be fantastic. Here are some random thoughts for the end of the year.
1. The Beautiful Metaphor – can do wonders when describing something, but they are actually at their most wonderful when they are used to insult something. Like when Pulitzer Prize winning writer Roger Ebert describes a movie’s characterization thusly: To call the characters cardboard is to insult a useful packing material. This came from a review of the movie The Spirit, which apparently is so bad that even the high levels of eye-candy cannot overcome the amateurish writing, directing, and acting. Maybe this will stem the tide of shitty graphic novel adaptations. Well, probably not, but we can hope.
2. Band of Brothers – The power of art is in its ability to move and inspire. So few motion pictures or television shows actually aspire to the levels of art that when you come across one it should be savored like a fine meal. The miniseries Band of Brothers is something like that. Even though I know what happens in this series, I watched it yesterday (yes, all day, I have no life), the episode titled “Why We Fight” still got me from an emotional sense. The actors beautifully portrayed the horror those soldiers must have felt when they came across those camps. Great stuff, which I will be watching on Blu-Ray in January.
3. Crazy Mexican – Beauty queens. A Miss Shit from Shinola or something or other in Guadalajara was arrested last week for drug and weapon possession or something like that. A fun story, as apparently drug lords in Latin American countries take beauty pagents very seriously. I know that we should here, as the prettier someone is, the more important they are. Which is why I am proclaiming myself Emperor of Arizona.
4. New Ads – I am not waiting for the Super Bowl to identify the greatest commercials of the season. There are two contenders, the Sonic Hearing quasi-bluetooth device that allows people to eavesdrop on conversations and the slim clip thing that is some sort of revolutionary money clip. Wait, you mean that you could put any money clip in a blender? Oh, well then the Sonic hearing thing is the winner, and not to mention bad-ass. The only thing that would be better is one of those parabolic microphones. I’m shocked that the CIA doesn’t issue these little things to all of their new recruits.
5. Sweatpants and Handguns – What is it with East Coast playas packing heat in their sweats? First Plexico goes strip clubbing with sweats and a glock, then this guy goes to the movies packing in his sweats. Really? This is the new thing? I mean I know that we’ve all fantasized about shooting the loud bastard in the movie theater, but who actually does it? If you are going to be carrying a concealed weapon, at least wear some damned pants.
1. Chuck – needs to sack up and stop acting like a whiner with a sandy vag. Oh, my fake girlfriend killed a guy that wanted to kill me. Boo Hoo! I enjoy the show, but at some point, doesn’t Chuck have to act like this isn’t the first time at the rodeo?
2. Hitler’s Birthday – apparently there is a little ‘un whose wise and astute parents named Adolf Hitler Campbell. Now, the local Shop-Rite refuses to personalize a cake for the little racist, and the parents are bewildered. Really? What was their first clue there might be a problem? I’m sure that the boy’s best friends Pol-Pot and Stalin are accepting, but the parents here really need to be neutered or put down themselves. For the rest of us. Seriously.
3. MONSTER!!!! What the hell happened to Goldie Hawn??? She has never been attractive, but it looks like her face is collapsing in on itself. I’m just glad that it isn’t Halloween or she might get staked before anyone realized that she isn’t a zombie or vampire or something.
4. Freaks - I'll close with part of an article I read off of cnn.com. People say that men are strange and perverted. Hopefully this can add some balance to the conversation. Where do they find these people?
Nearly half of the women questioned by Harris Interactive said they'd be willing to forgo sex for two weeks, rather than give up their Internet access, according to a study released Monday by Intel, which commissioned the survey.
While 46 percent of the women surveyed were willing to engage in abstinence versus losing their Internet, only 30 percent of the men surveyed were willing to do likewise.
The U.S. survey, which queried 2,119 adults last month, found that the gap grew even wider for both men and woman who were 18 to 34 years old. For woman, the percentage of those willing to skip the sheets in favor of the Web rose to 49 percent, while it climbed to 39 percent for men. And for women 35 to 44 years old, the figure jumped to 52 percent.
So today I’m reading about the myths of Theseus and the origins of Athens and I see that King Minos was cursed by his jealous wife so that when he would consummate his relationship with his mistresses, he did not ejaculate semen, but rather spiders and scorpions that would eat the genitals of his mistresses. That is a kick-ass curse and a handy bit of knowledge. It would certainly dissuade the young maidens of the kingdom, don't you think? Who said learning about ancient civilizations and mythologies was boring? No word on whether or not King Minos penned the bitchin' tune "Blackout."
Well, it’s been a couple of weeks, and I’ve got all of this pent up bitchiness, so here goes:
1. Guns and Roses – is suing Dr. Pepper for ruining their good name when Dr. Pepper’s web servers were overloaded last week giving out free Dr. Pepper coupons. For ruining Guns and Roses good name. Really?? I would have thought that firing everyone in the band, replacing them with less talented guys, canceling gigs, stealing $15 million from David Geffen and whoever was stupid enough to buy his company, and recording the same 15 shitty songs over and over again might have had a little bit to do with that. That’s just me. Oh, yeah, in case there’s any doubt: Fuck Axl Rose, where's my soda?
2. Beautiful Children – is a book that attempts to weave the lives of several disparate characters together into some sort of haunting tale about a missing kid. Well isn’t that special, a feel-good MFA project. Too bad the missing kid character is a monumental shithead and when he goes off running into the Las Vegas desert, the reader has wasted 400 pages of reading that could have been better used by reading the used newspaper that lines hampster cages. Sometimes MFA writers produce good work, like The Historian, other times we get 400 pages of word barf by a pretentious jackass.
3. Gas Prices – are going down and now we are hearing about how dwindling oil profits are a bad thing. Seeing as how the oil industry has been raping the public for the last few years, I’ll just have to choke down giving them less money. Maybe they could come out with some more ‘humanizing’ commercials showing how they are tightening their belts. The only belt tightening I want to see out of the oil industry is the one around their neck while they swing gently from the shower curtain rod.
4. The Arrested Development – movie seems to be on track, which scares the crap out of me. I’m still not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing. In theory, this could be fantastic, just like in theory, Van Halen bringing David Lee Roth back would be good, but then you get that last Van Halen tour and ouch. I don’t know if I want to find out who is going to be the Arrested Development movie’s Wolfgang.
5. Kick-ass 80’s Song of the week – is going with Whitesnake. These guys remind me so much of Spinal Tap’s interview with Marti DiBergi where they talk about why their audience is primarily teenage males. I heard an interview with David Cloverdale back in the day where he was asked nearly the same question, with hilarious results.
6. Bonus Song – I just felt like listening to this song. It reminds me of football practice and being 15, which was too damn long ago.
7. Amare Stoudamire – needs to shut the hell up and learn to play basketball without the bal in his hands. He’s got ridiculous game, but he can’t play d, doesn’t rebound, and keeps talking about how he needs to be the man. Hey Amare, be a man, shut up and play. Either that or enjoy playing in Sacramento, the armpit of California.
8. Plaxico – on to another petulant little bitch, let’s talk about Plaxico Burress, the New York wide receiver who cannot make meetings or other team events, but then holds out for more money. The same guy who last week went to a club and New York and shot himself in the leg when his .40 Glock went off “accidentally.” Sorry, I have to call bullshit. Anyone who has ever shot a Glock can tell you they don’t just go off. This isn’t some television writer’s dream of being gun crazy, a Glock takes deliberate, conscious effort to fire, Plax was just being a dumb ass. Either way, he needs to go away, as people like him are the reason the average human has so much contempt for professional athletes. My favorite part of the story was his clubbin' sweatpants that he was wearing. Classy. Just watch yourself Plax, where you are likely headed next, you might just bunk up with a killer or kidnapper, which brings us to…
9. The Juice – sometime today Orenthal Simpson was sentenced to 15 years in prison. Tragically, the two people he killed are not the reason for his incarceration, rather he is going to jail due to even more stupidity. There is a generation of Americans who only know Simpson as a murderer, which is lucky for them, as they didn’t have to see an athlete fall from grace harder than anyone else, ever. I’m just glad that he’s going away finally. Let’s take a moment to mourn for the true victims of OJ’s latest crime: the strippers, hookers, and pathetic lonely women in LA/Vegas/Miami who can no longer use OJ to fame whore for five or six minutes.
10. Jaime Spears – is threatening to sue for some reason or other. Is there a good reason why I know this young lady’s name? I didn’t think so. Hey Jaime and Lynn Spears, have a nice glass of STFU.
I love when people can make fun of themselves. Major props for Ozzy's people, as I don't think he knows who he is anymore, he just does what he's told.
Finally, we have photographic proof that supermodels are better than the rest of us (see, that there was a clever statement. What other kind of proof could we have?). The Victoria's Secret model on the far left of this picture, Alessandra Ambrosio, had a baby two months ago. This picture was taken this week. First it was Heidi Klum, now this. Are they ramping up the effort to create unreasonable body images for girls? Or should we just rest easy knowing that there is an impending race of super men and women ready to take over?
Update!
Sorry I had my dates wrong, this picture was taken ten weeks after her baby. That's so much more acceptable.
1. Election 2008 – is finally over. I found it fascinating how people have responded to the election of Barak Obama to the presidency. Feelings of joy, elation, and terror were all on display and I’m really not sure I fully grasp why. I can understand the joy that many black Americans felt upon the results, for a nation as great as ours can finally put the ugly specter of institutional racism to bed. For Republicans, this is a blow, but hardly the worst thing that could have happened to them. I was shocked when I heard some lady sobbing on the radio on election night at the prospect of an Obama presidency; that somehow his political views will turn her nation into, well I don’t really know. I guess that my fundamental issue with the reaction to President-elect Obama is that most people have no idea how little the presidency actually affects their life. It isn’t nearly as important as who Lindsay Lohan getting freaky with, or whether or not homosexuals are getting married.
2. The Bond Market – is no place for the weak, but it certainly is a place for kick-ass movies. The new 007 film is out this week and I’m pumped up. I’m hoping that this is as good as the last one, but I could do without another scene where he gets his nads racked with some rope. My only quibble is that Judi Densch isn’t getting any less annoying as M. If we can get a Bond re-boot, why are we wheeling out this dinosaur? If the producers want a more mature lady in charge, then I could think of 25 less annoying candidates than her. Oh well, maybe she’s the one who is going to get the genital beating this time. Whatever, as long as Denise Richards stays far away from this film it will be fine.
3. Monday Night Football – apparently being in the same building as Tony Korheiser does not automatically render you any more stupid or prone to appalling lapses in basic common sense and decency. Who knew?
4. Kick-ass 80’s Song of the Week – I’m not sure how to describe this song, other than to tell you to play it loud. Reminds me of high school.
5. The Odyssey – is a great slice of literature, but it does illustrate the inherent sexism with which much of western civilization is based. Odysseus is gone to war for twenty years; he collects war spoils (which are pretty young women stolen from conquered people), travels the Mediterranean sleeping with goddesses, and then swears vengeance against those who wanted to marry his wife, who has been sitting at home weaving a tapestry praying for her husband’s return. It’s a wonder that women haven’t risen up and smothered us all while we sleep.
6. Kid Rock – when did it become okay to just flat out rip another artist off musically, put your own mediocre lyrics to it and call it good? Can I just rewrite the lyrics to Unchained and become famous? Or do I have to risk hepatitis and sleep with Pamela Anderson, then get in fights at the local Waffle House first? Unlike Buster, I don’t have a thing for leathery snappy things so I’ll pass on Pam.
7. 30 Rock – is just killing this season. Last night’s Night Court reunion was perfect. The only drawback was the fact that there was no Bull. Hell, dig that bastard’s corpse up if you need to, but make it happen.
8. Thanksgiving is approaching – and it is time again to play the grateful game. Over the next couple of weeks, I will be giving thanks for a variety of things in this blog. As always it is assumed that I am grateful for the health and general well being of my family (I’m not a monster), but I ain’t a gonna write about that. Today I am grateful for the first six seasons of The Simpsons. Those years were among the greatest in the history of television. They were smart, funny, and subversive in ways that television today an only hope to attain. To see them continue to rape my memories like they have for over a decade now is not only sad and pathetic, it borders on criminal. Make it stop already.
No, not Yngwie Malmsteen, but Sinbad. Here's a little something for those unfortunate fools who have never watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Enjoy!
So I'm spending my Halloween evening watching The DaVinci Code on tnt, and I was just wondering if Tom Hanks got to take that rockin' wig home with him after filming the movie. It really should have it's own wiki page, it is one epic wig. I guess he could wear it every Halloween if he was going as a pretentious douche. I don't know who to call a bigger jerk, Hanks or Dan Brown, but in the spirit of Kathy Griffin (speaking of horrid rugs) they can both suck it.
Not every post needs bitchin' pictures of scantily dressed women. Here's proof. A Halloween 4, with absolutely no Halloween content.
1. Reality Television – I’m not sure what the deal is with ‘reality’ television. Common sense tells us that these shows are nearly as scripted as any other storytelling medium and they are certainly edited to the point of manipulation as the producers try to wring out the last drops of tension and crazy. Which is what drives me nuts about this crap. I am not saying I don’t watch some of these shows, Rock of Love, Top Chef, and Making the Team are the three that I’ve watched the most, but the problem I have with these shows is that they are so obviously not real. Each scenario is plotted and manipulated so each of these unbalanced fame-whores are ready to degrade themselves and each other in any way the show chooses. And we eat it up, usually rooting for the craziest person in the room.
Now there are even more shows coming as network executives see the unquenched thirst for this tripe, and the bottom line is that these shows are cheap to produce. We have shows where people compete for film roles, to be a make-up artist to the stars, and just about everything else there is to do. You know we used to have competitions for this kind of stuff before reality television, it was called life and when you applied for a job they picked the best candidate and if they didn’t work out, you got fired and they replaced you. What a colossal waste of time, money, and airspace. I long for a day when the drones that populate this world wake up and demand more for their precious time. Let’s face it, nearly all television is mindless escapism, shouldn’t we demand more from it?
2. Election Day – November 4 is drawing nearer, meaning either Obama or McCain is drawing closer to irrelevance. This seems like it is the longest election season ever. I cannot imagine how long and horrible it must have been before the days of mass communication. Ugh, why would anyone want to do that job? Must be the interns, right Billy?
3. The Best – Why do we feel the need to quantify really good things? I was watching my new favorite show, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia the other day and I was starting to debate in my head where I would rank this show among my all time favorites. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I going to turn into the annoying John Cusack character in High Fidelity, making inane and annoying lists about random meaningless crap? I hope not, but in the spirit of the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons, Arrested Development is the best. television. show. ever.
4. Wal-Mart + Irving Azoff = The Devil – Possibly the most annoying trend to roll down the pike recently is this ‘exclusive’ release by musicians into certain stores, most notably Wal-Mart. The Eagles started the trend, and let’s be honest the only trend they should be responsible for is the impending one where aging Baby Boomers drive their SUV’s off of a cliff listening to The Long Run. Anyway, the Eagles released their latest album exclusively through Wal-Mart and made millions, prompting other bands with fans that will actually buy their albums to follow suit. Azoff is like all managers, looking to squeeze every possible dime from these companies because he gets a couple of pennies from that dime. He doesn’t care what it means to anyone else. AC/DC is the latest to join the trend, but you know what? This trend sucks, because Wal-Mart sucks. Very simple math. If I have to give up a little bit of my soul just to enter and shop there, I can only imagine what deal with Satan that Azoff and these bands have to agree to for these deals. I know Sam Walton is already roasting over a slow spit in Hell, I hope they saved room for Irving Azoff, he deserves to spend his eternity with a hot poker shoved up his, well you get the idea.
Who knew that between being Playboy's Playmate of the Year in 1994 and dating "funny man" Jim Carrey, Jenny McCarthy had time to become a wizard?
I staunchly defend the right of celebs to spout off about whatever cause they come in contact with, I don't begrudge them the right to use their public profile to rally whatever attention they can muster for some greater good. I figure that if the lazy public gets duped by listening to Richard Gere, then by God they deserve what they get. McCarthy always seemed a bit different from the normal celebrity though. She always came across as a kinda kooky, not serious about herself, normal person. Then she went public with her son's diagnosis of Autism, and her subsequent fight against childhood vaccinations. Her performance on Larry King Live was a low point in that show's long history of low points. You felt bad for Ms. McCarthy but also embarrassed for her.
Now she claims to have cured her son using some special diet and, I presume, her own brand of magic. Which is, of course, bitchin'. I mean, I always knew her rack was fantastic and probably had special powers, but this is another level. Witches have always been so scary and unappealing, hopefully this is a new trend. All I know is that I am no longer going to waste my time taking my kids to the pediatrician when they are sick, I'm just going to go find the nearest Playmate I can find and have them look at them. I'll feel better anyway, at least until the divorce kicks in.
1. Celebrity Rehab – Wow, what a horrific trainwreck that show is. Steven Adler? Tawny Whatever-the-hell-her-name-is? Gary Busey? I get the fact that these people have issues, serious issues, but who was the genius in their lives who decided that letting the public witness their horrible, horrible lives and struggles was a good idea? A local radio DJ said that he feels a world without a crazy, addicted Gary Busey is no world for us to live in and I have to agree, and I’ll go a bit further. A world where it isn’t possible to see mugshots of Tawny after she has beaten her husband with a shoe is no place for us either. Maybe she can make her comback on the hood of a military-grade HUMVEE, 'cause I don’t think that the Jag can take the weight anymore.
2. Beyonce – is now Sasha Fierce, or something crazy like that. What is it about these “artists” having alternate personas? Here’s a crazy thought, why not make an album full of good songs and promote the hell out of it? Maybe she can create another persona, one where she is talented and not scary as hell and full of herself?
3. Pirates – are still holding hostages? Really? How does this happen? Didn’t the Jolly Roger flying on the galleon’s mast give the crew a hint? Are they asking for doubloons and casks of rum?
4. Bye Lute – No, not a musical instrument of course, but Lute Olson is stepping down from his job as wildcat coach. I've never met Lute, but among high school basketball coaches, I have heard too many stories about how arrogant and insufferable he is. It is nice to see the man's true colors come out. Too bad Wildcat fans, your team is going down the crapper and Tucson is still a toilet. Suck it!
5. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans – or some stupid crap like that is coming out soon. I have to ask why? No Kate Beckinsale in an Underworld movie? The only point of those crapfests is the opportunity to ogle Kate in a variety of Latex/Leather outfits. The new girl just aint cutting it either. I guess that saves me 95 minutes of my life. 95 minutes I could be reading crap on the world wide interweb.
1. Socialists (part 2) - So grumpy uncle Johnny is going on and on again about Obama's 'socialist' tax policy. Before I comment, here is a basic definition of socialism:
Socialism refers to an economic theory of social organization advocating social or collective ownership and administration of the means of production and distribution of goods, and the creation of an egalitarian society where one's labor is the only important, individual factor of production. Modern socialism originated in the late nineteenth-century working class political movement. Karl Marx posited that socialism would be achieved via class struggle and a proletarian revolution which represents the transitional stage between capitalism and communism.
Socialists mainly share the belief that capitalism by nature concentrates power and wealth among a small segment of society that controls capital, and creates an unequal society. All socialists advocate the creation of an egalitarian society, in which wealth and power are distributed more evenly, although there is considerable disagreement among socialists over how, and to what extent this could be achieved.
Socialism is not a discrete philosophy of fixed doctrine and program; its branches advocate a degree of social interventionism and economic rationalization, sometimes opposing each other. Another dividing feature of the socialist movement is the split on how a socialist economy should be established between the reformists and the revolutionaries.
Now, I may not have a political science background, but I can read and comprehend at a 12th grade level. I have yet to see anything out of Obama's tax plan that advocates anything to the level of socialism. If anything it is a continuation of the Bush tax cuts. For the uneducated out there, we have had a progressive tax rate here in American for decades, this does not effectively change this in any way. I guess that McCain just needs to construct another straw man to deflect attention away from his own foilbles.
2. Sexdrive - Am I the only one offended by the title of this film? I know, you look through this blog and ask yourself if Homer could actually be offended, but it is true. I mean, come on, Sexdrive? What's next the bromance, Holdin' My Wiener? If you are going to remake The Sure Thing, try to at least come up with a title I don't have to fast forward my dvr through.
3. Kick Ass Overlooked Song of the 80's - This is a new one, occasionally I will youtube up some overlooked 80's song that I like. Today's is from the great NYC metal band/project SOD. Someone used all the milk and Billy Milano ain't happy.
The ending is called "Chromatic Death" which was used for years as the Headbangers Ball theme.
4. W - Is anyone actually going to see this crapfest? To do satire, aren't you supposed to have wit? Wit and Oliver Stone have never been used together before. This stinks of a smarmy opportunity for Hollywood liberals dogpiling on the one of the worst presidents in our history. Don't revel in this folks, its sad, not funny.
5. Go Rays - I really don't have a dog in the hunt for the World Series anymore, I was actively rooting against the Dodgers, but I don't care about anything else. Well, except the fact that Red Sox fans have become insufferable, so screw the Red Sox, go Rays. Sorry Sportsguy.
I had a huge rant typed up today at school about the final presidential debate that aired last night. Yes, I was the world's greatest teacher today. Anyway, it was really bitter and profane and showed all of the logic and compassion for which I am known. As such, it was horribly flawed and unreadable. So, rather than subject the few readers I have to that, I thought I'd offer up a couple of thoughts and a picture of Kate, who I would have voted for if she were eligible. That's right, I already voted, so suck it.
1. Joe the Plumber - I really wanted to find Joe the Plumber and hit him with an ill-fitted pipe filled with sand. I'd have said a lead pipe, but they don't make them anymore. Has there ever been such a transparent attempt at 'relating' to the populace as this? By the time the debate was over I wanted not only to hit Joe, but to set fire to the advisers who included this milk-sop in their debate plan.
2. Obama is a Socialist - This is one of my favorite criticisms of Obama, and really any Democrat. Do people who spout this crap even know what a socialist is, or what the political beliefs of socialists are? Who exactly came up with a $700-$850 BILLION bailout for the banking/investment industry? The idea that Democrats are more socialist than Republicans shows a marked lack of understanding.
3. Pundits - The parade of freaks that CNN and Fox News trots out to analyze who "won" just shows that there are too many universities offering Political Science degrees. The next time I need Bill Bennett to tell me anything about values and morals, I'll be in Vegas with some random stripper who found lifestyle inspiration in the movie Showgirls.
4. Off of politics for a moment - The Dodgers lost. You suck LA.
5. The Office - seems to be enjoying a renaissance. The emergence of an evil Dwight has been outstanding and the new Toby is bitchin'. It is no "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," but the new season has been surprisingly good thus far. I think that after McCain loses this election, he could cameo on The Office as Creed's cranky older brother. I think that would be sweet.
So the Juice is in jail, just hanging out and looking forward to his appeal. Some feel he will prevail, others are hoping he endures his bi-weekly broom-handle raping with class and dignity. I'm hoping we can work something out with our British bretheren and put him in a cell with this jolly English chap:
Former Mr Gay UK 'slit lover's throat then marinated his diced flesh with fresh herbs' A gay chef murdered his lover, cut out part of his leg, seasoned it with herbs and fried it, a court has heard. Anthony Morley, 35, chewed one of the pieces before throwing it into his kitchen bin. Morley, a former holder of the Mr Gay UK title, then walked to a nearby takeaway restaurant and told horrified staff: 'I have killed someone, call the police'. Officers found the naked body of 33-year-old Damian Oldfield on the floor of Morley's bedroom, Leeds Crown Court was told. He had been stabbed 20 times and his throat cut. Morley later claimed Mr Oldfield had tried to rape him. Prosecutor Andrew Stubbs QC, warned jurors that details of the case were 'unpleasant and disturbing.'
Gee, do you really think those details were disturbing? Ah, those crazy Brits. Either way, I would love to see this guy make a Pez dispenser out of OJ. If he wants to eat him after he's dead? Well, that is a chance we'll just have to take.
Homer returns and includes a picture of my newest hero, Sarah Palin. I'm just overjoyed that Sarah can feel my pain, while she looks out of her window and gazes upon her private plane. Whore. Anyway, here's this week's Five:
1. Sarah Palin – I don’t talk much about politics due to the fact that even the most obtuse American with a functioning cerebral cortex should be able to see through the propaganda the two major parties spew. I was obviously incorrect due to the fact that for some reason or other, many voters actually feel that Sarah Palin would be a benefit to the United States as the Vice President. Let that sink in for a moment.
Sarah Palin.
Vice-President of the United States.
Now that you’re back, could someone please explain this to me? It is obvious that this woman is borderline retarded, with only the most vague idea of how to regurgitate the party line, so how exactly would this be good? Exactly how long would it be before she tries to drill a well on the White House lawn? And would living next to the Atlantic Ocean make her an expert in modern international shipping laws, or just an expert in Vikings?
2. Choke Job – No, not the new movie from the writer of Fight Club (I don’t feel like looking up how to spell his last name), but rather the imminent demise of the Chicago Cubs. Trust me, I understand what it is like to root for a bad team, I’ve been a quasi-Cardinal fan for almost twenty years now, but the euphoria that has kept the city of Chicago from jumping off of the Sears Tower during these rough economic times has been shattered by the realization that those lovable Cubbies are really just the shitty Cubs, they could win 142 games in a year and still manage to get swept in the playoffs. Hey Cubs fan, you know the loser who has lived in Phoenix their whole life and still goes to Diamondback games in full Cubs regalia, next time you are in Chase Field check out the world championship banner from 2001. It’s pretty bitchin’ to be able to actually have been alive during a championship run. Not that you’d know, bitch.
3. Celebrity Blogs – I was talking to someone the other day and they were lamenting the fact that celebrity blogs and gossip sights have overtaken porn as the most searched for topic on the world-wide-interweb. Now, you normally have to read the Economist for such hard-hitting analysis as this, but it is a telling moment for our culture. How desensitized have we become to sex that we’d rather look at pictures of those asshats from the Hills than the gentle copulation of two, three, or four lovers? Frankly, I’m not sure if this development is good or bad. . . I’ll have to ruminate upon it, while searching for porn of course.
4. It’s Always Sunny – in Phoenix, but it isn’t nearly as funny as Philadelphia. I’ve written about the show before, briefly, but no words that I can put here do this brilliant piece of comedy any justice. It is the most profane, irreverent show I have ever seen. All Mac or Charlie needs is a black puppet and I may just have to re-rank my favorite television shows. If you’re not watching this, shame on you.
5. Movie Protests – Are another favorite of mine. They are usually soo effective. Remember how horrible the box office was for Tropic Thunder after all of the retards were upset about Ben Stiller’s portrayal of Simple Jack, a mentally challenged youth? Oh, that’s right, Tropic Thunder kicked all kinds of ass including getting The Dark Knight off of the top of the charts. Well now there is another movie coming out and another group of disaffected people who are angry. This time it’s the blind. Here is a clipping from an article I found:
The National Federation of the Blind is protesting the release of the film Blindness because, as NFB president Marc Maurer says it, "The movie portrays blind people as monsters and I believe it to be a lie."
That’s where Mr. Maurer is wrong. Dead wrong. The blind are monsters. Just check out how good their hearing and sense of smell are, it’s like they are superheroes or something. The thing that Mr. Maurer doesn’t understand is that even the blind are monstrous, we can still utilize their talents and abilities for good, not just evil. Maybe he’s just trying to hide something…
As I have been known to do on a fine Saturday morning, I was perusing azcentral.com when I came across this article:
Dad chases naked teen from daughter's room with pipe
DELTONA, Fla. - An angry Deltona father whacked his teenage daughter's boyfriend with a metal pipe after finding the boy naked in his daughter's room.Authorities say Raul Colon, 45, didn't even know his daughter had a boyfriend or that the youngster had been sneaking into the home for more than a year.When he heard noises coming from his daughter's bedroom Thursday morning and saw a stranger standing naked on the girl's bed, he swung a metal pipe. He then chased the teen out the front door and called police.The boy was taken to the hospital where doctors closed a head wound with staples.Colon was charged with aggravated battery on a child and bonded out on $10,000.
Now, I'm no law enforcement officer, or even a lawyer, but why the hell was this man arrested? The fact that this had gone on for over a year automatically disqualifies him from any Father of the Year awards, but c'mon. Everyone knows that if you are sneaking into a girls house, there is a strong possibility of an ass-kicking coming. He's just lucky this was in Florida, not in Arizona or Texas where we would be reading about the tragic death of some punk kid.
The kid should just pay his hospital bills, apologize to the father of the girl and then do what any self-respecting teen-aged boy would do: go tell his friends about how that dad got in a lucky shot and how he was totally railing his girlfriend's ass before the lights went out.
Well, I haven't been here for years, but it feels like a long time. This has been my oft neglected little place on the net. I tried to keep the VanBlogger alive, but if it is just going to be me posting, I'll do it here, where it is more just my thing. I'll be posting whatever pops into mind, so settle in and welcome back to the Haven.
