Grim Death

I alluded to it in the Bea Arthur post, but here is my 2009-2010 Death Pool.  Basic rules say that this runs from today until April 30, 2010.  

Remember, we're not wishing or hoping that these people die, just trying to be prophetic:

1.  Fidel Castro

2.  Kim Jong-il

3.  Steve Jobs

4.  Michael Douglas

5.  Betty White - the Golden Girls seem doomed and she was scary as hell on My Name is Earl earlier this year.

Oh, and Kate Beckinsale is indestructible.  Maybe it is time to rent Click...nah.

In the Name of All That is Holy

Make her stop!!!  Someone really needs to go Borat on Pam Anderson.  Stuff her into a sack and then take away all of her ten year old slutty outfits.  Then burn them of course, but I would worry about the Hep's ability to survive fire.

Everyone is criticizing her for attending the opening of a steakhouse/strip club, seeing how she's a vegetarian.  All I have to say is that I've seen the film and it all makes sense; she's not afraid of stuffing meat in her mouth.

Death Pool 2009

So who had Bea Arthur in this years death pool?  What, we didn't do it this year?  What the hell is wrong with us?

Oh yeah, we participate in death pools.  And you should know better than to think that I'd post a picture of Bea Arthur.

Saturday's Alright for Boobs

Well it's the weekend and it is time to relax, and quite frankly that last post disappointed me from a visual aspect. So here's Jenny, that crazy Playmate witch.

What the hell happened to Amy Pohler? That new show of hers is about as funny as your average snuff film. Not only is the show painfully derivative and tedious, but it just plays flat. The viewer never gets a sense that people are enjoying this process. Stale writing and mediocre acting is not a winning ticket. I find myself wishing Gob would show up and put her in the Aztec Tomb.

What the hell is Aubrey O’Whateverthehellhernameis wearing? Look, your famous because you slept your way into some ‘band,’ you have taken your clothes off for money, and you have no discernable talent. Show up on the red carpet looking nice and no one cares; show up like this and someone needs to throw acid in your eyes as punishment for what we’re forced to endure.


Finally, somewhere a town tried to ban baggy pants. I get the frustration with seeing what I would assume are heterosexual men adopting a gay prison fashion choice, but did anyone really think this was going to pass any kind of legal challenge? Lionel Hutz could have won this case.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Cartography in the 21st Century

1. Paris Hilton described her current boyfriend to the press this weekend as ‘perfect.’ No one really knows what this means except for his obvious ability to repel herpes, syphilis, and the like. Oh, and the ability to be in Paris’ presence for more than 37 seconds and being able to stifle the urge to disembowel her with a broken machete.

2. According to some random scientists, the area of the Four Corners the southwest United States has been surveyed incorrectly. The Four Corners tourist spot is about 2.5 miles off. It has just come to light ever since the area was defined over one hundred years ago. Very nice. Tell me, does it ever worry you that these are the people who we entrust trillions of dollars to, and they cannot even make a respectable map? Magellan had it down 500 years ago, what the hell is the government’s problem? Buster Bluth could get this right. (On a side note, I have been to the four corners and for all that people blather that it is a tourist trap, I thought it was pretty cool, now I feel cheated)

3. Lindsay’s back on men. Are we 100% certain that Sam Ronson was a woman? I need a clarification on this before I can accept this story. I’ll bet that many women in the greater Los Angeles area are breathing easier today. Of course, all males remotely connected with the entertainment industry or the night-club circuit are all terrified and taking at least one cycle of zithromax. I’d suggest some valtrex as well, but hey, what’s life without some risk.

4. Amy Winehouse wants to adopt a baby. Really? To raise or for the baby’s fats and emollients? How is she not dead yet? Somebody better explain this to me, or get the shotgun because we are about to enter Shaun of the Dead territory.

Boob Week - Day 2

1. Jennifer Love Hewitt – This young lady is back in the press with a Maxim cover (does anyone actually read this shit?). She’s pretty and she continues our Boob Week theme, but who really cares? The blogosphere will complain about her weight and the rest of the real world will say, ‘Hmm, looks good’ and life will go on. I do give her limited props for not getting naked just because everyone seems to think that’s all she’s got to offer, but c’mon, no one is waiting around for the sequel to Heartbreakers.

2. Modern Day Pirates – I’ve written about this briefly in the past but this new trend of modern-day piracy is just kicking my ass. These geniuses are taking on the most sophisticated and powerful navy the world has ever seen with a motorboat and machetes. Good for them. As long as they are flying the Jolly Roger, then I’m cool with them; but when the SEALS go all crazy on them, maybe they should stop the threats and just go ride the Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland and avoid the whole death thing.

3. Octomom TM – Word is the Octomom wants to trademark her name. Good for her. That whole ‘get enough plastic surgery to look like Angelina Jolie’ thing didn’t work out for her; the ‘have octuplets and live on endorsements’ didn’t work out for her; now her ‘trademark the name Octomom and live off of royalties’ plan is next. I’ve got news for her: No one cares. Short of jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge, nothing this woman can do should interest anyone living in the United States of America. That would be the best thing for those kids though. Where’s Hulk Hogan at when you need him?

4. Where does he find the time? Apparently Mel Gibson has been linked to six women over the past few years, including noted crazy-woman Brittney Spears. Throw in the fact he has nearly a billion dollars and has only made one movie in that time, I’d have to say that number seems low.

5. Cheer Coach Bunny – Why is it that every female teacher I’ve ever dealt with looks like they were in the original cast of “Grease” or “Little House on the Prarie?” Apparently, previously posing for Playboy is not good for young women who would like to work in the schools. Who woulda thunk it?

I thought you'd be bigger...

No, it isn't every man's most dreaded words to hear in bed, it is everyone's reaction to Dalton in the movie Road House.  Not a great film by any stretch, but with Patrick Swayze on the verge of death, I just thought I'd remember him as the guy who ripped out the throat of another man, the ultimate in movie bad-assery.  

Aren't our movie stars supposed to get old and cranky like Sean Connery?  Sorry, no snark here, just best wishes to Mr. Swayze.

See what he did there was this...

So John Madden retired today, leaving a huge void in the field of telestrator use and the use of interjections as sentences.  I'm not quite sure how I want to remember John, as the easily confused buffoon of an announcer that he has become over the past few years or the kick-ass coach who may still have the best winning percentage of any coach in NFL history.  

Probably the buffoon.  You just know you are going to see John in ACE hardware stores up and down the west coast telling people why their socks are falling down.  It is just a step before he starts soiling himself and wandering down sidewalks looking for the Dutchman's Gold, which we all know is hidden in Jenna Jameson's vagina.  Good luck finding it, sorry John.

Break-time is Over

Back to the hate, today's post is not for the faint of heart...enjoy.





1. Salma Hayek – In the comments of the Sham-Pow post I made reference to the fact that I’d post more about boobs. Well, here is what I consider to be the best boobs in Hollywood not named Ashton. Salma is ridiculously hot and her rack should inspire people in the hills to sing songs about it. You know it’s a killer rack when Prince is writing about it, I mean c’mon Prince isn’t exactly inexperienced in that way, if you know what I mean. Feel free to disagree, you'll just be wrong, that's all.

2. Hulk Hogan = OJ The big news today is that Hulk Hogan understands OJ and his killing his ex-wife. Let that sink in for a moment. Just because some 19 year-old dude is desperate enough for the attention to want to get with that mess that Hulk was married to is no reason to want to ‘OJ’ anyone. Look at Mel Gibson, his wife is going to walk away with around $450 million dollars – cash – and is Mel getting ready to turn his wife into a Pez dispenser? No, he’s out there sleeping with Russian models, a much more effective way to deal with rage and grief issues. I remember back in the day when Hulkimania was all about taking your vitamins and drinking your milk, now it seems that the Hulkster really wants to kill his wife and bang his daughter…I mean sleep with his daughter’s friends. The older I get, the more the world sucks.

3. Have you twatted? Apparently there is some sort of competition between Demi Moore’s husband (whose name escapes me because he’s done nothing worthwhile since the last time he pulled out of Demi) and CNN for twitter subscribers. I can think of no other commentary about our society than this. CNN – they can give you updates about what is going on in the world. Demi’s husband might give you another photo of her ass in a bikini (taken courtesy of his Nikon endorsement I’m sure). Why doesn’t someone photoshop this guy’s head onto the body of the dork railing Ms. Ex-Hulk and solve a couple of problems for all of us?

4. Protests – I was in a meeting today about something or other when someone asked if they were aware about the tea-bagging at the capitol yesterday? Really? Just yesterday? I was under the impression that the government has been tea-bagging us for quite a while now.

5. Quote of the week – “Sit ups made birth easy” This was attributed to Jenna Jameson. Really? It couldn’t have been that the only reason those kids didn’t fall out of that busted up vag was the fact that the two of them bottle-necked up in the canal? Seriously Jenna, the fact that going down on you would be more like spelunking than a sex act might have more to do with the ease of your birth than your rigorous work-out regimen. Just a thought.

Keepin' the Pimp Hand Strong

Sometimes them hookers get uppity and bit your tongue and stuff, and you just gotta knock that bitch out.  At least that is how the Sham-Wow guy rolls.  Camera guy are you catchin' this???

PS - How would this situation be different if it was Billy Mays?  I guess the hooker would be covered with black beard dye...

Back to Normal 5

1. Death and Poetry – In more death news, the son of Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath committed suicide over the weekend. Talk about a depressing family circle. Plath, for those of you who aren’t feminist writers or English majors, was an American poet who wrote some very interesting, troubled poetry back in the mid-60’s. She had attempted suicide several times before finally succeeding after her husband, poet Ted Hughes, left her for another woman. The other woman killed herself a few years later, and now Nicolas Hughes has joined in the family tradition. It’s a sad ending to a sad story. Go read some Sylvia Plath, it is some good stuff.

2. DEA Wants Money – Apparently the DEA wants that money that was flying around a California highway over the weekend. They are studying video accounts of the story for clues to the identities of people who stopped along the road to pick up cash. Gee, this is a great use of DEA manpower and funds. Meanwhile I can walk onto any high school or college in the US and score any kind of drug I want. Smart government.

3. Handcuffs – So a Connecticut woman decided to use handcuff in the least sexy way possible, outside of a bestiality arrest. She just wanted to talk to her estranged husband, so she handcuffed herself to him while he slept and when he tried to get away she bit and assaulted him. I wonder why he’d want to leave a winner like her? I don’t quite understand…

4. Julia Roberts – I think I’ve been pretty clear on my view of Julia Roberts in the past (short recap: she needs to be sent to the glue factory), but today I read about how uncomfortable she was shooting love scenes with Clive Owens in their latest film. Imagine how he must have felt, probably like the actor who played Kelly in Clerks 2, but I digress. The worst part for Roberts was the fact that her son was on set watching, making her uncomfortable. Gee, why would that bother anyone? I just hope Jenna Jameson isn’t taking parenting tips from Julia or her kids are going to be more scarred than they are going to be already.

5. Cindy Crawford thinks she looks “pretty good” according to recent published reports. After looking at the pictures, my only response is “You think?”

Back to Business...

Well, spring  break is over now, it is back to the usual grind.  Bleh.  Anyway, I know that I've used this picture before, but it is well worth using again.  Down to brass tacks -

1.  I read a story this morning about a dude on Texas' death row who only had one eye.  Not newsworthy huh?  Well, he decided one morning to pull out his only eye and eat it.  Nice.  Is the food in Texas prisons that bad?  Or was he just trying to continue his journey of the force unimpeded by his sight?  Moving on...

2.  Detroit Tells Whitey to Get Out - I knew that Detroit was a wasteland of pain and misery, but apparently it is the land of crazy as well.  Read this to get the idea.  I was just wondering if it were possible to give a city away?  It's close to Canada, right?  Is there a downside to this idea?

3.  Apparently Seth Rogen won't return Lindsay Lohan's calls.  Hmmmm.  I guess that proves that some movie stars aren't that desperate.  

4.  I was born too soon - I read today that there is a Rock Paper Scissors championship in Panama City, FL with a $20, 000 scholarship on the line.  Scholarship?  Someone with those skills don't need none of that education!

It's the Economy Stupid!!

Since Rhode Island is leading the way in unemployment, at something like 11%, it only makes sense that a Providence strip club is having a job fair.  I'm sure that resumes will be strictly checked and references called.  I'm going to bet money that anyone showing up for this will be someone who the public will pay to stay clothed.  Just a hunch...

Oh, and how soon after Ms. Berkley shot that scene did she need to go get her shots?

What is Chickenfoot?

Other than a huge FU to Van Halen?  The new band featuring Sammy Hagar, Michael Anthony, Joe Satriani, and Chad Smith looks to be fantastic.  This, I will pay money to see. 

Although I would like to know when Will Farrell joined the Red Hot Chili Peppers?

Poor Bill,

Bill seems a bit distraught at the Temple demise.  Too bad, you old confused bastard...

Go Devils!

A Test

Here is a test of your endurance. If you can make it all of the way through this video, then you are a stronger person than I am. I'm all for celebrating your god (of God, whichever you prefer), but my God will allow me to laugh at you for acting like a dork.

Videos like this make me miss the Vanblogger.

Spring Break - Day 3

So I'm sitting here on a Wednesday, thinking to myself that I need to spend my spring break more effectively, I mean there is only one Kate picture for the week.  I don't even know this blog anymore...

Anyway, here are some random thoughts for the week thus far:

1.  Texas is the home of the free, home of the brave right?  Well, apparently it is the new hotbed of the nanny state.  The state of Texas is considering banning teenagers from using tanning beds.  Do we really need to go there?  I mean, where is the next generation of cheerleaders/strippers going to go get their cancer on?  (Did you see what I did there?  Hotbed, tanning beds?? Damn, I'm good at this interwebz thing)

2.  Talk about moving up - Guy Ritchie has somehow upgraded from that leathery-snappy thing in Madonna to Elle McPherson.  I guess he deserves some reward for falling on that sword for the rest of us for the past decade.  

3.  AIG - I didn't understand why the hell we should keep spending money on AIG, but then it hit me, the government spends trillions that I never see, why the hell should I care?  But seriously, I think instead of making the AIG executives pay their bonuses back, they should publish their names and addresses and let the law of the jungle sort it all out.  I'll grab the shovel...

How Soon?

So how soon is too soon for me to ask when Liam Neeson is going to load up the snakes and get his revenge upon the ski-slope?

Just askin'

(And if you don't get the Next of Kin reference, you should run out to Blockbuster and grab it.  NOW)

Runnin' with the Devils!

So we are about 48 hours away from the Sun Devils and Temple Owls in Miami.  This tournament will mark the end of the James Harden era at ASU, which is too bad, but he's going to be off making his millions so I'm not going to feel too bad for him.  He hasn't come out and said he's out of here, but there is no way he should pass up the NBA draft.  He's won everything he can win at ASU (except the title, but that's a team thing) and he's leaving ASU far better off than he found them.  Here's hoping he gets three or four more college games.  Oh, and there's only a few more days before the mildcats can take a well-deserved vacation.

Quick Question

What happens when you breed a coked out porno-trout and a gorilla?  Apparently twins.  Any fetus that can survive the wasteland that is Jenna's junk must be some sort of mutant superman that the National Guard would need to be called in order to help prevent any permanent earthly damage, but there were two of them?  God help us all.

Quick, Get Me High Profile Media!!

Look, I'm not going to bag on Jessica Simpson's weight here.  I'm just going to go on record as stating that a professional PR team wouldn't send her out in a white corset to reassert her sexy street cred.  

I'm just sayin'.

**High Profile Media handles Van Halen currently and is/was the brainchild of EVH's fiance, who got into the business as a publicist for a mid-level porn distribution company.  He's not even raiding the best the porn world has to offer.  Even HPM could figure this out.

March Madness!!

I know, there have been a lot of exclamation points in the titles lately, I'll try to keep myself under control. Anyway, the NCAA tournament is here and the Sun Devils are back in. Hopefully they can win a few games, as I think their defense is going to make their opponents uncomfortable. Either way, they earned their way in and it should be fun to watch them beat Temple. It will make Bill Cosby cry, but it will be fun. As Eddie Murphy said, "Bill, have a pudding pop and STFU."

I'm trying to limit my use of profanity here, but it is difficult. Go Devils!

It's 5150 Time??

So where exactly does the time go? This album was released in the spring of 1986 and I can't tell you how many of these cassettes I went through, so I guess that means I'll be dead soon. Until then, enjoy a fantastic guitar performance from Eddie Van Halen.

Spring Break!!

So it is spring break and for the next five days I'm going to blitz you all with Kate Beckinsale and Arizona State basketball. Get used to it.

Hammer of Justice Crushes You!!

So justice finally looks like its coming for that low-life scumbag Howard K. Stern.   I hope he enjoys prison rape.  Burn in hell lawyer boy.

A Moment of Silence

Channel 3 in Phoenix is letting two long-time morning personalities go today.  Dan Davis and Brad Perry have been on for what seems like forever in the valley, and many people are going to talk about how sad this is.  It is not.  Brad Perry has been insufferable ever since his divorce, but I really won't miss Dan Davis.  Dan's schtick is reading out of town newspapers to viewers.  How is that vital service going to be replaced?  

And since they are making cuts, why the hell is that fossil Patty Kirkpatrick still employed?  This news at Channel 3 is a good step, but when is Channel 10 going to get rid of that bastard Rick D'Amico? 

I'm Just a Gigolo

David Lee Roth - New Music - More Music Videos

After the ugliness that was that last post, I thought I should put something else up to push it down into obscurity. On a completely unrelated note, all that blonde post needed was a Jenna Jameson story about how some quack butchered her busted vag to cap off the blonde mess. Ugh.


Why do people pay for sex? I know that math dorks and comic-book nerds keep prostitutes in business, but for the normal person, what is the appeal of paying for companionship? Susanne Klatten is the richest woman in Germany and is married to some guy. I'm no marriage counselor, but if you are paying someone for sex, there might be issues there, but Susanne decided to spice up her life with this guy here:


So this guy decides that getting money to get freaky with this Frau just isn't cutting it. He needs more, so he blackmails her eventually getting over $9 million. What the hell is wrong with these people? She would have been better served spending $125 on a good vibrator and giving the rest of that money to Bernie Madoff. At least then her screwing would have been historic, instead of pathetic.

And what is with this guy?$9 mil ain't enough? Well now he has six years in prison to think about what a colossal tool he's been, and I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that no one is going to pay him for the use of his ass.

Blonde Humiliation

1. Granny Snatch – AZCentral headline: Pamela Anderson Sexes Up Catwalk. Horrifying. Back in the early 90’s Pamela Anderson was pretty hot. Now, as we approaching the year 2010, Anderson is still showing off her mangled nipples as if there were still anyone on the planet who hasn’t seen them. Where did it all go wrong? The multiple sex tapes? The random marriages to rockers with hygine issues? Maybe it was when she married Rick Salomon to clear a large gambling debt? Either way, she’s now entered Madonna territory; a scary, dirty, nasty person left with the battered remains of her sexuality. What does she have left to keep the attention on her? Other than hepatitis and no gag reflex?

2. Paris Hilton – Apparently Paris was humiliated by her boyfriend at her birthday party. As if her life wasn’t a whirlwind of humiliation all of the time. She was 'singing' one of her songs on stage and her boyfriend took the mike from her and lip-synced along with the tune. Instead of attempting to sing, maybe Paris should stick to what she's good at: popping Valtrex and blowing degenerate gamblers (like Rick Salomon - is moving from Paris to Pam a move up/down/lateral or just dangerous from a medical standpoint?).

3. Tony Romo is not as stupid as we thought - Most people don't think too highly of Tony Romo's acumen. He comes across as a good ol' boy, but limited (if you know what I mean) most of the time, and since he's been dating Jessica Simpson I had always feared that they would get married and their offspring would be some kind of mutant. Either that or a super genius, but c'mon who would really believe that. Anyway, apparently Ms. Simpson is now fearful that Tony will never ask her to marry her. Gee, what was the first clue? The groupie in every city? The dictionary filled with multi-syllabic words? He's a starting quarterback in the NFL, he's not going to permanently attach himself to some backwoods wannabe with an overbearing father/manager, no matter what her rack looks like. He'll move on and poor Jessica will be all alone, getting calls from guys like Rick Salomon wanting to party. Nick Lachey is starting to look better and better, huh?

Pranks

Watch Prank War 7: The Half Million Dollar Shot on CollegeHumor

Do yourself a favor and watch this video. It is fantastic, I've never really pranked anyone, these guys are nuts.  The best anyone ever got me was when my wife convinced me she had gotten fired.  I've still got to get her back for that.

Current Event 5

1. “I’m on FIRE!!!” – This phrase is not just the chorus to a kick-ass classic Van Halen song, but apparently it is the lament of more and more Indian women. I read this week that women in India are 3 times more likely to die from fire than men, primarily because it is fairly common for the men there to get into a fight with their significant others, douse them in gasoline, and set them ablaze. I think this is a reflection on the study that was done a few years ago about why Indian men won’t use condoms, but that was a previous blog post. I think it just goes to show everyone that if you were woman born in the US, you hit the lottery.


2. Cat Bong – I guess that we should be grateful that Michael Phelps didn’t use his cat as a bong like the guy in Nebraska. Apparently his cat was out of control and he so tapped into his inner-Mengle, creating a box where the cat was forced to endure not just confinement, but marijuana smoke. There is a lot of talk about how horrible this was, and I agree, the box looked uncomfortable, but I want to know if it worked? I mean, was the cat calmer, or was he in a frenzy looking for some cookies? Really, don’t drink the bong water dude.


3. Math Dorks Unite! – I cannot believe that I wasn’t aware of this, but today is Square Root Day. Something about the multiplication of month and day equaling the year or some such stuff, either way it is a way for math nerds to take their mind off of paying for sex. (On a totally unrelated note, every time I type in the word ‘root’ the thing that pops into my head is the line from Karate Kid III where Myagi tells Daniel “You have long root like bonsai tree Daniel-san.” Tell me the Karate Kid movies weren’t about just getting some under-aged, gay ass).


4. Fuck L.A. – No, not jut a chant I learned by going to San Francisco Giant games when I was younger, this is for all of those who are annoyed by LA County’s proclamation for a curse-free week. I’m all for expanding your vocabulary, but you know that if people do participate they are going to be using all kinds of substitutes (frick, freak, you get the idea). Maybe this can be part of the stimulus package, no cursing for a week and you get a crisp $100 bill. It would garner more support for this week.


5. Criminal Justice Students – Apparently the Chandra Levy case was broken with an assist from a George Washington University’s criminal justice class. These classes enter into agreements with local law enforcement to review evidence and come up with conclusions that aid law enforcement agencies. As far as anyone could tell, the police were stymied. Then the class came up with a suspect, presented the evidence to the police and was thanked. No word until this past week that the police were about to make an arrest. Why don’t we just hire the students to be consultants? Maybe that could be another way for Sheriff Joe to spend some AZ taxpayer cash.

Ahhggg!!!! My Eyes!!!!

Look, I get the fact that not everyone is classically beautiful. The myth of an ideal beauty is just that, a myth. But just because there is no real standard of beauty doesn't mean that there aren't standards of soul-shrinking ugly. And that brings us to Tilda Swinton, who should only venture out of her house on Halloween. I didn't think that this level of hideous was possible without CGI. I can only think that no matter what the wizards of LucasArts were to try, Tilda would still end up uglier than Bernie Madoff's soul. Assuming you could find it. I'm assuming what she's holding is some talisman that Satan gave her to let him know when to bring up the rest of her family out of the pits of hell.

Just go away Tilda, I'm sure there's a house you should be haunting.

Entertainment 5

It's been a long time since the last collection of random thoughts, so enjoy!

1. Reality Jerry – Apparently Jerry Seinfeld is about to star in a reality show where he is a marriage referee; helping couples work through their differences in a funny fashion, with sage observations. Sounds plausible, I guess, although how he can solve any problems with that hipster-racist living next door is anyone’s guess. Wait, wasn’t this a movie starring another comedian? I’ll just say that if Jerry stars in a drama about Boston fire-fighters, I’m taking Dennis Leary in the 1st round by TKO.

2. Raping My Childhood Part XXIV – There are rumors abounding about a coming remake of the Arnold classic Total Recall. Have we arrived here already? I was sure that the A-Team movie would have showed up first. Whoever directs this needs to learn not to follow this movie up with anything starring Sharon Stone, lest he create his own Showgirls.

3. Short Seasons – The latest season of Psych ended last week. It felt like it had just started and now I’m going to be forced to go without those crazy 80’s movies obsessed psychics until the summer? It sucks to be me, I guess. Since when was the season of a television show two months long? Stupid USA Network.

4. 22? – Now in its 20th season, the Simpsons has been renewed for 2 more seasons. I hope Rupert Murdoch and Matt Groening realize that they are going to hell, Ironic Punishments division. They obviously don’t have any dignity or self-respect left, so I guess the daily sodomiziations aren’t going to bother them too much.

5. Harry Hamelin – I usually don’t have a whole lot of pity on entertainers. They have chosen a brutal profession and when they succeed, they are compensated beyond the dreams of the average person. But I do feel for Harry Hamelin. Why? Just look. No one deserves this. I’ll admit, her body looks great for her age, but that face has enough plastic to hold a gallon of milk in it. At least we know what Harry did with Medusa’s head (that’s right a Clash of the Titans reference). She just needs to stop, but since Hef is determined to put someone half of his age on the cover of Playboy this spring, I guess we’re stuck with this skank.



And finally, just because I love the randomness of this picture:

Same Old Cardinals?

I had a long, boring post written about the Cardinal off-season, but the basic question is, are these the same old Cardinals?  It's starting to look like it, and it ticks me off.  I'll just say this, if Warner is allowed to walk for any reason, we need to surround the Cardinal compound and catapult flaming bags of horse crap into it until the Bidwills and Rod Graves are either fired or walked through the streets of Phoenix to our own little Place de Concord.  I'll bring the champagne.  

That colonel with his wee-beady eyes.

Sugar-tits Gibson is back. You've got to love his sense of humor anyway, unless he's telling you to shut up and get in the box-car.  Then he's not so funny, except maybe to Nay.

The Oscar Love

Well, last night was the annual Hollywood suck-off known as the Academy Awards. I didn’t watch it, and quite frankly, unless someone was going to punch Sean Penn in his fat, smarmy face, then nothing was going to draw me to it anyway. Penn needs to get hit in the junk with a bag of hammers. Skinny-tied bitch.

Internet Warriors

Ah, yes. The Internet is indeed serious business. At least that is the impression you would get if you ever read the comments section of any website. The web is filled with Internet warriors, people who are going to attempt to point out your stupidity and the superiority of their views, regardless of their validity.  Except my blog of course, my commentors (commentators?) are some of the best and brightest that this rock has to offer.

Case in point; I was looking for some commentary regarding the President’s speech at Dobson High School yesterday (total side note, why Dobson? It’s a craphole). The Arizona Republic had three or four writers discussing their views on the President’s plan. All of the views were different, but after each of the articles were comments by readers that were filled in by people whose only qualification is that they can turn on a computer. The hate just flew.  These fools went about spouting their views, and ranting about how the world just doesn't understand, how the stupid masses are so misguided by this leftist media.  It is kind of frightening to see this level of hate, stupidity, and laziness all in one place.  If these people feel so disenfranchised, they should write their own material and come up with their own arguments.  It isn't hard to sign up for a blog, I did it in less than five minutes and I'm functionally retarded.  They could have their say and not end up on page 35 of the comments that no one will ever see.

Dissent is good, I love to argue with people,  but the vast majority of people who comment on national events aren’t doing it in the spirit of discourse, they are doing it to feel superior to others, even if they are just cutting and pasting their views from some urban legend website. Like Fox News.  

I guess there isn't much of a point here other than even among the colossally stupid, you can still dig up a nugget of good information like I did today.  Did you know that Obama's plan brings us closer to socialism? I learned that from a bunch of comments on azcentral.   I also learned that Bar Rafaeli has a killer rack (I figured that one out on my own).

Grim Specter of Death

This is so a headline from a couple of years back, but it seems that Lindsay is going back to the blow. I think she saw that Amy Winehouse is still alive and she is going to race her to the grave. Based on this picture, it could be a photo-finish. The cleavage angle is a good one in my opinion, but Lindsay needs to understand that it works better when we are not distracted by the fact that she hasn't eaten anything other than rock cocaine in two weeks.

And to my lovely sisters who are calling Bar a butta-face, I have to disagree. It must be a guy thing.

Meh?

So this week marked the debut of the 2009 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, a somewhat bizarre American tradition.  Traditionally released at the close of the NFL season, the swimsuit issue has always strode uncomfortably along the line mainstream titillation and out and out soft-core.  Whatever, I'll leave that for the social critics.  All I know is that for as long as I can remember, it was always a big deal to find out what model was going to be on the cover.  

So I thought it was interesting this year as yet another swimsuit issue was in the offing and it was revealed that Bar Rafaeli was this year's cover model.  I made the comment to the wife that Bar was just a little attractive, and her response was 'Really?  I don't see it."  Now this is the woman who has never been shy about identifying women who she feels are pretty, so I found this odd.  Am I crazy to think that this lady is pretty hot? Deluded into thinking her boyfriend isn't gay, but hot?  Or am I just going blind?  Let me know.  Maybe I'm just getting old, it is possible.

A-Fraud

I know that I’m supposed to be filled with glee that a member of the New York Yankees is caught up in any sort of scandal, but the recent news that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids left me more than a little indifferent. He got out in front of the scandal, did a soft-toss interview with Peter Gammons, who should have to turn in his title as journalist after that abomination, and said he’s sorry. Good for Mr. Rodriguez. Unfortunately, he’s only sorry about one thing, that he got caught.

Let me get this out there in the beginning: I don’t care if baseball players took steroids. They all did. If you told me I could make $25 million a year teaching school by taking a brain pill that could be harmful down the road, I’m asking for that pill and taking two. We all would, anyone that says otherwise is lying. The fact that Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, and others took pills or shots that were illegal, but not banned by baseball, is immaterial to me. It is no different than the cocaine scandals or the fact that baseball players have been using speed for a century now.

What I do care about is the fact that now all of the sanctimonious blow-hard “caretakers of the game” are going to spend the next several months talking about why this has ruined baseball and will be the death-knell of the sport. Nothing could be further from the truth, all this will do will be to make sure that those people who worship at the altar of baseball to face the fact that most normal people just don’t care. And then they will complain that these cheaters are desecrating the game. They lose sight of the fact that it is a game. Luckily for them, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue was just released, so their social life just took a huge jump, although we are going to lose some nerd work time due to their extended bathroom breaks.

And since when was Alex Rodriguez an Oompa-Loompa?

A New Definition for Gold-digger?

According to CNN, the estate of The Big Bopper is going to auction off the used coffin that the Bopper had been buried in for the last fifty years.  I can only surmise that the estate wants to take advantage of the fact that the Bopper's fans are either already dead or on the cusp.

This does open the door for a whole new level of celebrity memoribilia though.  Who knows the possiblilities?  Just think, Pamela Anderson could sell her old breast implants, Michael Jackson could sell the jar, or maybe Ted Williams family could sell the frozen head of Ted?  Fantastic.  

I'm personally going to hold out for the urn that Eddie Van Halen put the ashes of his musical career in. 

Master of Disguise

How does Howie do it? Bad wigs and junkies who would have difficulties recognizing their own parents? That is my guess. I don't blame Howie for this atrocity, no self-respecting game show host turns down any offer for more work, no I blame the geniuses at NBC for green lighting this craptacular. These weasels are on a roll, first they forfeit an hour of prime-time for Jay Leno's ego, and now they are going to subject the world to this crap.

I hope they get a raging case of syphilis from the three dollar whores they keep frequenting. Weasels.

It's a New Year!

And apparently we don't have enough sluts with a variety of venereal diseases on our airwaves.  Thankfully we have Bret Michaels here to rectify the situation for us.  Yes, the show that brought us a haven for bored strippers and groupies is back, this time set in a bus.  I thought that after the show had killed someone that Viacom would have taken a good hard look at themselves and realized that they are slowly killing all of us with these horrible shows and saved us from their filth, but sadly this is not the case.  

Oh well, for this new season, the Rock of Love camp needs to really ramp up the crazy, I expect that ferret to eat someone's face off this year, otherwise I'm not going to bother.